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Name your current top five friends and chances are that not only are they not the exact same five women you would have named ten years ago, but they also probably won't be the same five you'll name ten years from today.
"It is frightening for us to imagine that, in all probability, the most likely outcome of any friendship--even a very good one--is that it will come to an end," says Dr. Irene Levine in her new book: "Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with your Best Friend."
Myth: Best Friends Forever
We are all skilled at talking about friendships with romantic language that gives the impression that all friendships are for life, that we'd do anything for each other and that nothing can pull us apart. And yet, as much as we all want to buy into the idea, from experience most of us know that sometimes all it takes is a move, a graduation, a birth, a new relationship, a different job or a misunderstanding and we find ourselves replacing the myth with the reality: Most friendships don't last a lifetime.
Even as we know intellectually that some friendships are for certain seasons or purposes, we will still feel a lot of pain, guilt and ache in the shifting process. Dr. Levine compares the ending of a friendship to a romantic breakup and articulates that not only are there similar losses, but losing a friend can sometimes be worse since there is usually more "ambiguity." We don't always have the "break up" talk that we usually demand of our significant others, the same support system surrounding us when a friendship changes or the same conviction that this relationship wasn't meant to be.
What Dr. Levine offers with grace, honesty and professional guidance is a removal of the shame that often goes with that shift. "The quality of a relationship," says Dr. Levine, "rather than its duration is a more realistic measure of the meaningfulness of a friendship." Whether you have been friend dumped, feel the need to initiate a "letting go" with someone, are experiencing a lot of flux in your circle, trying to excavate yourself from a toxic friendship or are trying to evaluate whether a relationship can be repaired or not-- her book can guide you through the evaluation process, the grieving stages and the courage to ensure that you are contributing to the highest quality of friendships that best empower your life right now.
Celebrating Friendship Day
This book officially comes out today, September 20, National Women's Friendship Day. Ironic. And yet not.
I read my copy while on a flight last week and the girl next to me asked me where she could find this book. On Thursday night at our Bay Area Speed Friending event I handed out two autographed copies of this women's guidebook and had many others express regret that their names weren't the chosen. I mention this book to friends and women nod their heads in understanding. We are reminded that celebrating Friendship Day doesn't mean pretending we're in a fairy tale where all friendships are stable and easy.
Rather, Women's Friendship Day, is a reminder to make sure that we're inviting into our lives the women that are important to us. Sometimes that means a letting go and sometimes that means a new beginning. Indeed, rather than feeling guilt, we can decide to hold our friendships with an open hand, allowing ourselves and others to create the friendships that matter most. We give them that gift. We accept that gift. We have choices when it comes to our circle of friends.
We choose today to feel gratitude for what we have had, what we do have and what we will have. Even if those three categories aren't fllled by the same five women. |
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