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Note from Shasta: I invited Rachel Bertsche to guest blog for GirlFriendCircles members because her blog MWFseekingBFF.com chronicles her search for a new best friend after moving to Chicago for love. She's putting witty, thoughtful and authentic vocabulary to the journey we all walk as we expand our circle of friends. Be sure to sign up for her blog! Thanks Rachel for sharing your journey!
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By: Rachel Bertsche
The more I write about my search for a new best friend, the more women I find who are in the same boat. With all the moving around Americans do these days-we're the most mobile people in the world, moving on average every five years-it's no surprise that adult women find themselves in new cities searching for their very own Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte.
Why Pursuing Friendship is Hard to Admit
And yet, despite the fact that we're all in this together, no one's talking about it. Readers write me to say "I thought I was crazy!" Or, "I was too embarrassed to tell anyone."
Why do we hesitate to admit we want new BFFS? I think it's because if you tell someone "I want more friends" what they often hear is "I have no friends." Um, there's quite a difference.
The Sex and the Citys of the world have made it ok-even encouraged-to scream "I want a man!" from the rooftops. Why haven't we given ourselves permission to do the same when it comes to friends?
Why Pursuing Friendship Feels Difficult
Here's a stat for the pro friend-searching argument: During our teenage years, we spend nearly one-third of our time with friends. For the rest of our lives, the average time spent with friends is less than 10%.
In the crazybusy adult world we live in-one with time necessarily allocated to work, family, relationships/dating, and errands-we can't dedicate a third of our time to friends. But less than a tenth? In 2000, Robert Putnam reported on the drastic decline in people either having friends over or going out to see them. "Visits with friends are now on the social capital endangered species list," he wrote in his book Bowling Alone.
I get this. I really do. Because while I'm enjoying meeting and mingling with potential BFFs, I have a confession to make: It's exhausting.
After a long day of work, faced with the knowledge that I have more work to do at home, compounded with my desire to actually spend some time with my husband and the nagging knowledge of errands undone, the prospect of grabbing drinks with someone I hardly know-just the idea of having to be "on"-can sometimes feel like I'm being asked to strap on a weighted vest and sprint the steps of the Eiffel Tower.
When we're wiped out and feel like the couch is the only place we belong, what's the first layer of fat to be trimmed? Friends. It's not like we can bail on our jobs, or kids, or partners. But we can always call our friends and explain our dilemma and get off the hook, right? If she's my friend, she'll understand. Or so we tell ourselves.
And because as good friends we want to behave like good friends, we say "Of course I understand, it's no problem at all," when someone cancels. We might even be secretly relieved.
Why Pursuing Friendship is Worth It
But here's one thing I've learned from experience: No matter how exhausted I am, spending real engaged time with a friend-even a potential one-is a pick-me-up. In fact, according to one study, 85% of adults feel less stressed and more energized after they've spent time with friends. It's like exercise. You may not always be in the mood, but you'll feel so much better afterward.
So I've trained myself to never bail on a friend-date. No matter how tired and cranky I am, I show up. At first I might be quiet or not-in-the-mood, but as I'm flooded with girl talk I feel my shoulders and my jaw loosen up, my mind clear, my energy surge. It's always-always!-worth it.
The same goes for following up. After girl-date number one, I used to think "Phew. My work is done. Now it's on her to call me." But here's the catch: Sometimes she doesn't call. Not necessarily because she doesn't like me (I hope) but because she's also busy with work and family and errands. Maybe she doesn't know yet that friending is like exercise. Maybe she too is embarrassed to reach out and say, essentially, "I liked you and want to be friends."
So, my work is never complete: I go on friend dates, then follow up, then follow up some more. And suddenly, right when I'm not looking, a real live friendship emerges. And then? Well then it doesn't feel like work.
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Recent Posts
 | | Shasta Nelson founded GirlFriendCircles.com as a way to help introduce amazing women to potential girlfriends. Passionate about women, our relationships and our value to community, she’s inviting women to find those friends online, but make sure to take them offline to a cup of coffee too! |
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