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I've been asked "Do you believe in Best Friends Forever?" on multiple occasions. Sometimes it's from a reporter trying to grapple with the statistics for how few of us are still friends with our childhood playmates, but usually it's from a woman in the audience after I speak who is feeling pain and guilt over a friendship that has ended.
Books and articles on the subject abound with various authors debunking the myth of the forever friend, while at the same time, movies and novels leave us with the desire for this committed female friendship. Since none of us wants to feel any guilt for the countless friendships that come-and-go, we often want to be told that "forever" is impossible. And yet, interestingly, it doesn't change the fact that we also all seem to still keep wishing for this seemingly illusive relationship that survives men, kids, moves and jobs.
So the question begs for an answer: are BFF's realistic in a world where everything else changes all the time?
Firefly Lane
In my opinion, every great question is better answered with a story. If you have one last trip this summer and need that vacation novel--read Kristin Hannah's book, Firefly Lane.
The book spans three decades of friendship between two women, Kate Malarky and Tully Hart, starting from when they met in eighth grade. Significantly, this book is not just about friendship in all it's warm-and-fuzzy, hopeful, there-for-you-no-matter-what sentiments, but friendship also in the midst of life changes, disappointments and roads that travel different ways.
Kate chose to get married and stay home to raise her kids. Tully chose a TV career over love. The obstacle of two lives taking different roads can sometimes feel insurmountable. These two women felt jealous of each other, choose different values and life choices and certainly didn't always respond in the way that most mattered. But I daresay, if a forever friend matters to you, they did four things right.
Forever Friendship
- They made the commitment. Something about commitment changes the conversation. Similar to romance: you get in a fight while you're dating and you wonder "Do I really want to be with him?" But you get in a fight after the commitment is made and instead you ask "How can I make this work better?" Commitment puts a period on the friendship instead of a question mark. It doesn't mean endings don't happen, anymore than it means that divorce doesn't happen. But that commitment, from both sides, to choose this friendship to last the long haul makes a huge difference when the life changes and misunderstandings happen.
- They affirmed in the midst of their own insecurities. One chooses to be a stay-at-home mom, the other chooses career. It's inevitable that each of them will feel like they have given something up along the way. And since it's hard to feel your best when you're with people who have something you don't, the result is that we often judge them and de-value their choices in order to make us feel better about our circumstances. We resent them for dating someone, for getting a divorce, for raising their kids differently, for choosing to move for something they value, for retiring too early. Maturity means being able to acknowledge the good in their life even if I want it and don't have it OR don't want it and don't understand it. Either way, I don't get to run the lives of my friends and with their right to freedom they will make different choices. My ability to validate (which doesn't mean agree with) will dictate whether we can withstand those differences.
- They established lots of "New Normals." Our lives change and if we wait for it to "go back to normal" then we may lose most of our friends since life rarely stays the same. She goes back to work and you have to find a new normal to your friendship now that you can't get together for your morning play-dates with your kids. She moves away and you have to be intentional about establishing a new normal for how you stay connected. She goes through a divorce and even though most of your time together was as couples, if this is your forever friend then you have to figure out how to engage in new ways. It's not easy to grieve what has changed and find that new normal right away, but I have found it encouraging to just say "It's okay, we'll figure it out. Our friendship is worth finding a new normal."
- They forgave frequently. Certainly in this story, one finds it easier to initiate, apologize and forgive, than the other. And that's one of the gifts she brings to the friendship, one of the reasons it survives. We often make the mistake of thinking that if we forgive her for that, then we're saying it was okay what she did. That's a myth. The whole point of forgiveness is that it wasn't okay, that's why forgiveness is called for. We justify walking away from good people because we "deserve better." But who among us is that friend who never disappoints? Which of us don't have seasons where we're hurting, distracted and selfish? If we choose to hold the women in our lives to a place where they have to be perfect, while it might feel like we're punishing them, the truth is that we're punishing ourselves. Those who cannot forgive cannot maintain long-term friendships that matter. No if's, and's or but's about it.
Are all friends for forever? No.
Are forever friends easy? No.
Should you stay friends no matter what? No.
Does forever mean your entire life? Not necessarily.
But, are forever friends possible? Yes.
And not only possible, but meaningful. Life changing. Supportive. Fulfilling. Worthwhile.
Kate & Tully signed their letters "Friends 4 ever" in high school. They just didn't know then when forever would end and who they'd become in the process. Worth the read! |
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