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I'm on a plane on my way home from a city that never ceases to inspire: New York City. The purpose of the cross-country trip was for an interview for an upcoming segment on national television where GirlFriendCircles.com will be featured. (I will keep you posted on that!)
But surrounding that opportunity were two moments I kept comparing.
My Girl Infatuation
When I first saw her on the NYC Metro, I just wanted to stare at her. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't in the creepy stalking way or the judgmental analytical way, just in the "I'm so intrigued" kind of way.
Certainly you know those feelings well when it comes to romance: a certain someone grabs your attention, for whatever reason, and you find yourself somewhat captivated. Well in this case, as a married straight woman it had nothing to do with romance, but I did find myself wishing I could say to her "I think I want to be your friend."
Friend Infatuation? Maybe. LOL!
Whether it's their confidence, their humor, their look or just your admiration for how they did something-- certainly there are people you see at the supermarket or park and wish you could get to know better? But we can't easily just walk up to a stranger, engage in meaningful talk and walk away with a phone number and a future date on the calendar, can we?
And it's not a matter of just mustering up the courage or wishing we were more bold. The truth is, while I might be flattered to be on the receiving end of some woman approaching me to see if I'd be interested in getting to know each other better, I'd still be very skeptical and feel a bit uncomfortable, even if I weren't the initiator. We'd say it's just not "normal."
To be clear, I'm not just talking about making small talk. "I like your outfit" or "Hot day today, huh?" I can do small talk with the best of them and I certainly could have done it on the Metro. No, there is a difference between being friendly and making a friend. If the opening line doesn't lead to another encounter, then it was only the former and you're still left wanting the latter.
So the Metro doors opened. She got off.
My Girl Connection
However, fast-forward a few hours to when I was sitting in Sweet Revenge, a fun little cupcake & wine bar in the West Village that evening. There was another girl whose warmth, laugh and friendliness also impressed me.
This time, fortunately, I was there for a ConnectingCircle, so while she was a complete stranger to me, we at least had a context to have a meaningful conversation.
And therein lies the secret: context. Or another way of saying it, we had "permission" to connect.
In this case, we knew we were both there because we valued meeting new women. That mutual understanding inspired us to answer questions about what we were like in high school and what vacations we were looking forward to taking this summer. It invited us to laugh and tell stories. It ensured us that when the evening was over, we could follow up with each other.
Context & Permission
Having context is everything because it shapes our expectations. It's what determines whether it's "socially acceptable" for us to engage with each other.
It could feel inappropriate for someone to ask me how much I weigh. Unless it was my work out buddy or personal trainer. It might feel weird to have someone I don't know ask me about my own failures. Unless it was in a support group where that was the point. It would be odd for a stranger to ask me what I thought of a certain book. Unless I was sitting in new book club. It's not normal to just have someone walk up to me, introduce themselves and hand me their business card. Unless I'm at a networking event.
The point is-- we're capable of all those conversations, but it's the context that makes certain conversations feel appropriate. Assumed permission is given in certain situations. And having that mutual approval of certain expectations determines whether we feel safe engaging.
It wasn't so much that the girls I met at Sweet Revenge were nicer than the girl I saw on the Metro or that I was braver in one situation over the other. Rather, it was that in one case we had a context that assumed a permission for us to initiate friendship. And that made all the difference.
I found myself thinking, how often am I in situations where I am giving permission for real conversation? What do I belong to that invites people to connect with me? Where am I spending my time that increases my chances of making real friends, not just small talk?
In one scenario, the girl got off the Metro and the story ended.
In the other, two girls rode with me on the Metro after our ConnectingCircle and this time, I'm the one that got off and I heard them call out "So nice to meet you-- let's stay in touch!"
Placing ourselves in contexts where sharing is normal and expected makes a lot of difference. :)
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Recent Posts
 | | Shasta Nelson founded GirlFriendCircles.com as a way to help introduce amazing women to potential girlfriends. Passionate about women, our relationships and our value to community, she’s inviting women to find those friends online, but make sure to take them offline to a cup of coffee too! |
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