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I'm a voracious reader on the subject of friendship, always on the look-out for how friendship is being discussed in our culture, what kind of studies are being researched and how the definition shifts over time.
So, when the New York Times has a philosopher write about friendship-- you can be sure I'm interested. :)
Aristotle's 3 Types of Friends
Dr. Todd May, a philosophy author and professor takes Aristotle's three types of friendship-- pleasure, usefulness and true--and compares them to our culture today, in what he calls the Age of Economics. "There are consumer relationships, those that we participate in for the pleasure they bring us. And there are entrepreneurial relationships, those that we invest in hoping they will bring us some return." But, he feels we have forgotten the third and most mature type of friendship-- that which is the "true" friend-- the type where one "must be willing to forgo pleasure or usefulness for something that emerges not within but between one of us and another."
Dr. May's ponderings, which will be published next year in a new book about friendship, seems to really resonant with those reading it. The descriptions tap into our hunger for those friendships that go beyond keeping score of the give-and-take. But, two important questions that emerge among his readers are: Is this type of true friendship possible anymore? And, if so, how does one find it?
Is "True" Friendship Possible Today?
Some might answer, based on their own experiences, that it's not possible anymore. We imagine a time when everyone lived in small communities and lived life in close proximity with the same people, forcing them to stay in each other's lives through the up-and-downs. Now, we seem to move in-and-out of each other's lives at such a pace that there is little need to be friends with someone if it doesn't feel pleasurable or useful.
However, our experience is not the best determining factor for whether something is possible. Just because you haven't yet fostered that experience doesn't mean it doesn't exist. It may make us feel better to think that it's simply not do-able, but that's our ego defending us so we simply feel better for not having it.
Believing "true" friendship is not possible influences us to avoid the risk or investment it might take to participate in a meaningful friendship. It means that when conflict comes, we're more likely to simply start over with someone else rather than move through the awkwardness. Or it might prevent us from getting off the couch and actually giving up the time and energy to engage.
How you answer this question determines your future experience of it.
The truth is that "true" friends absolutely exist today. That is not the same as saying BFF's never fail or disappoint, or that friendships don't have to find a "new normal" after life changes or that every valuable friendship needs to last forever. But it is to say, there are relationships we can participate in where it goes beyond how we feel or what we get out of it. Definitely.
How Does One Find True Friendship?
The word "find" here can be the problem. If by that word we mean that we hope we just one day run into that perfect friendship, then I have disappointing news for you. Friendships are created, not discovered. (You might have instant chemistry or sense the potential immediately, but even then the friendship must be intentionally created.) However, if we know that finding involves a search, a hunt and a journey complete with tons of mixed feelings then, yes, let's talk about how one finds it!
Dr. May hits the nail on the head: "Shared experience, not just common amusement or advancement, is the ground of friendship. Of course, to have friendships like this, one must be prepared to take up the past as a ground for friendship. This ground does not come to us, ready-made. We must make it our own.
We must make it our own, staying on the journey, developing a shared past. We must be regular enough with each other (at least twice a month!) to develop that bond. We must put in the consistent time.
But here is the irony, I'd actually say that the best friendships start from Aristotle's first two types of friends: those that are pleasurable and/or useful. There is NOTHING wrong with those qualities in a friendship!
In fact, while we don't want our friendships to not grow beyond those self-serving qualities, I find that the problem for many women is that their friendships don't even include those very important and life-giving qualities!
I am appalled how frequently women's "friendships" are not useful or pleasurable! When talking about their closest "friends" they say things like "I feel like I do all the giving" (not mutual usefulness) or "Her life is just always exhausting and draining for me" (not pleasurable). What's the point of that kind of friendship?
What makes the difference between friendships that Aristotle eventually calls "virtuous" is that those relationships can mature from being in it only because it's pleasurable today to being in them because even the parts that hurt or require serving and sacrificing, is in fact "pleasurable" because you love the person you're giving to.
Aristotle calls them three different types of friends. I vote you make sure you have all three. :)
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