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Reality Shows. We all claim to hate them. Yet we all keep watching them! I know that to be true since I was able to count at least 41 reality shows on the summer line-up! Whether your secret poison is America's Got Talent, The Bachelorette, So You Think You Can Dance or Hell's Kitchen-- you keep coming back.
While you cheer for your favorite contestants and wish for them their success, fame, love or whatever else they're competing to win, I thought there might be a few lessons to be gleaned as women committed to the process of expanding our circle of friends? I hesitate to talk about friendship with language using auditions, competitions, judging and winners, but let's try to get past the words and hear the wisdom. You with me? :)
So the details might vary (i.e. how they judge, what they have to do, what industry they highlight), but the process for all of the competition-based reality shows is the same: 1) auditions, 2) the competition, 3) elimination 4) repeat steps 2 & 3 as needed 5) name the winner. Similarly, seeing friendship development as a process is helpful.
What I Can Learn About Friendship Development through Reality TV
- Auditions: Cast your net wide. Carrie Underwood of American Idol fame had to audition just like the rest of them. Because the vast majority of the auditions were awful, didn't negate that a star was among them. Truly, the chances of you going out once with a group of women and deciding they're all your best friends is nil. Set your expectations: I may need to meet 12-15 women before I find 2-3 that I feel have some potential connection? (This is one reason GFC matches in groups so you can meet more at once.)
- Auditions: Stay focused on the process, not an individual experience. Sounds obvious and yet I am shocked how many women go to one ConnectingCircle or other friend-date, decide they don't like anyone and give up on the process, concluding "this doesn't work." We have to differentiate between the process and the "contestants." Just as going out on one bad date doesn't mean dating doesn't work, so it is the same with friendship. Clarify in your head that just because not everyone you meet will be your future BFF, doesn't mean the next woman you meet couldn't be. The process works regardless of your isolated experiences.
- Competition Rounds: Select based on potential, not prediction. Notice that the producers of these shows don't simply do an entire season of auditions. They move into the "competition rounds" which is when the contestants are faced with different experiences. They don't crown a winner on first impressions. I've found often women want to go from the audition round of friend-dating to the winning round, forgetting that there are tons of moments in between. Your goal on first-dates is not to determine whether this woman you're meeting is in fact going to be your BFF-- you have no idea. Rather, it's only to determine potential at this point. For anyone showing any potential, move them forward by choosing to spend more time with them. For most of us-- we'll need to connect with someone at least twice a month for three months before we'll consider them a friend. You don't need to know the outcome, only sense the potential.
- Elimination: Learn to lean toward the right people. The awesome thing about friendship is that you don't ever have to get up on stage and tell the loser they're going home. And I use the word "loser" loosely, for someone can not win the show but later prove to sell the most records, get paid the most for their skills or keep their weight off the longest. That may be true for you-- there is little need at this point to ever eliminate anyone as you never know who might be a great connection to have later. But it is increasingly important to lean toward the people you most want to befriend. And leaning toward one, may mean leaning away from another. A common mistake women make is to try to be friends with too many people, thus ensuring they never feel that close to any select few. As you make choices with your time and energy, be sure to choose. Be sure to be intentional. Be sure to initiate with those you want to lean toward. You have to make choices to grow closer to some.
- Repeat the steps: Make the right friends that you need. Unlike a reality show that has all 25 dancers competing at the same time for the winning contract, most of us recognize that life isn't quite that structured. In our case of friendship, it means that we might need to keep auditioning some, even when we're crowning others as winners. We need more than one winner. I don't care how much I love the singing of the new Idol or the cooking of the new Iron Chef-- I want more variety than just their record or menu. There will be a time when it will be easier or more fun to go be with someone you already know and feel comfortable with, but if your goal is to have a circle of friends, then you have to keep repeating the steps, auditioning new ones, even if it's less meaningful at that early stage. You are looking for "winners" but you're not looking for just one, you want several.
- Naming the Winners: It takes more than a title. The goal is to have 3-6 close friends that feed you in different ways. But simply identifying who you want those people to be doesn't turn them into friends. You may engage in this process and figure out who you are most drawn to, but all the chemistry in the world doesn't make a friendship. The whole value of winning those reality competitions is that the contestants want what is promised on the other side. They are in it for the after-effects of the win (a contract, an opportunity, an engagement, lost weight), not just the title. They can be crowned the winner, but if they never make their album or open their fashion line then they didn't really win what they claimed they wanted. Be sure to invest in the women that you say matter most to you.
Maybe you don't like the metaphor of reality TV to talk about friendship development? That's okay, you don't have to. But what I will say is this: If you're sitting at home hoping that soon an automatic friendship will just happen naturally then know that's a lot like being a good singer and just hoping someone knocks on your door and offers you a record contract. You have to at least show up at the auditions if you want a chance. You can't win the lottery without buying a ticket.
You don't make friends without meeting women. Welcome to reality. TV show or not.
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p.s. Welcome to all the GirlFriends who found us via Redbook Magazine's July issue. You have joined a community of women who value friendship and aren't afraid to do something about it. We look forward to meeting you! |
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 | | Shasta Nelson founded GirlFriendCircles.com as a way to help introduce amazing women to potential girlfriends. Passionate about women, our relationships and our value to community, she’s inviting women to find those friends online, but make sure to take them offline to a cup of coffee too! |
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