Three Friendship Inspirations from a 7-Year Old

Posted on May 14, 2012 by ShastaGFC

It has been a record 22 days since I’ve blogged!  I guess you can’t complain you’re ever getting too many e-mails from me!  :)  

My excuse for my negligence is two-fold: First, I sent off the complete draft of my book manuscript “Friendships Don’t Just Happen!” to my publishers in the beginning of May so all my daily writing time was focused on getting that done instead of blogging! And my second reason is that the day after I e-mailed those 80,000 words, my husband & I flew out to Tampa, FL for 12 days to babysit my 7-year old niece and 4-year old nephew while my sister and her hubby enjoy their first long get-away without kids. So as a substitute mom I’ve pretty much limited my work to the bare bones while I’m here playing!   

Three Friendship Inspirations We Can Learn From Kids

But now the kids are happily playing in a homemade fort we built in the backyard so I thought I’d share my musings about three moments of beautiful friendship I’ve witnessed from my first-grade niece, Naomi. The first example comes from her meeting a stranger at the beach over the weekend, then I share two moments with her best friend (known in this post as T.) who lives down the street.

  1. I love how kids don’t need a ton of warm up to play with others: We weren’t at the beach for even an hour before Naomi and another little girl introduced themselves to each other in the water. They were inseparable the rest of the day as they practiced standing on boogey-boards, jumped on inflatable toys, and collected shells. I just shook my head in awe.  Never in a million years would I be making friends on the beach.  Not because all the other women didn’t look friendly, but we simply don’t walk up to people sun-bathing, introduce ourselves, plop down on their towels, and spend the afternoon together. But that’s not to say we can’t learn from her. I love that kids value the moment, playing with whomever is there, caring more about having fun now than trying to figure out whether they have a future together or not. We all value connection and there are a lot of activities in life that would be enhanced with new friends even if we don’t know it will only last an hour or a day.
  2. I love how kids easily express adoration:  We arrived a few days early so we could attend Naomi’s 7th birthday party.  Her BFF made her a card where she wrote: “You and I have been best friends since I moved. I wish I knew you since I was a baby. You are the bestest friend anyone can have! I wish in my next life we can be together.” Wow! That they don’t yet filter their adoration is such a sweet gift of childhood.  They aren’t consumed with worrying about whether they’ll look desperate, whether the other feels the same way, or whether it’s ‘too soon’ to say it yet. They just proclaim the friendship into eternity.  Some of us adults can do that with friends we’ve known forever, but I’ve noticed we become much more guarded as adults, taking much longer to tell each other “I really like you!”
  3. I love how kids steal extra moments together: Naomi quickly informed me upon my arrival, “You know Aunt Shasta that T. and I play together every day, right?” Her face looked a little worried that when her parents were to leave that maybe I wouldn’t know the routine.  I smiled and said, “yes” thinking this is exactly why friendship felt so much easier as kids– we had every day together! Now I’m lucky if I see new friends once a month! Then a super precious moment came when T.’s older sister came to tell T. that she had to come home one day when they were playing over here. Next thing I know T. is running away from her sister, refusing to go home, not wanting to leave her BFF.  Her older sister began chasing her, begging her to obey.  T. then runs to Naomi for help; they stand there clinging to each other, refusing to end their time together without a fight. I’m sure if I were the mother who had to put up with that often then I may not find it as charming, but as the visiting aunt who knows the value of friendship I loved it! In our adult lives we schedule each other in, fitting our friends between this-and-that appointment, rarely giving each other an entire afternoon and then begging for more time together! It inspired me. To watch kids get together with no plan for what they will do ahead of time, play for as long as they can, and still wish for more time together– that is as good as it gets!

I do believe that there was an ease in childhood friend-making that we can’t always repeat as adults.  In fact, my book is all about how to meet people and develop them into meaningful friendships because I find that we often, as adults, just keep waiting and hoping that friendships will one day feel as easy as it did back when we were kids.  We may not now have the repetition of school or an open schedule to play every afternoon as we did back then, but we need friendships all the same. 

Naomi inspired me, reminding me that it doesn’t always have to be complicated.  When it comes down to it, if we just 1) played with the people we met, 2) told them we liked them, and 3) tried to spend as much time together as possible– that really is the bulk of friend-making. Even as adults.  

What do you miss about childhood friendships? In what ways are friendships the same or different as kids from adults? What observations have you had about friendship when you watch kids play?

Posted in Best Friends, How To?, Life Stages, Moms, Qualities of Friendship | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Earth Day, God, and Relationships

Posted on April 20, 2012 by ShastaGFC

On this blog I talk about relationships. Almost every week (not quite as regular this month since I immersed myself in writing the final chapters of my book manuscript!) I write about how our relationships impact us, or how we can impact them.

Today, with Earth Day coming up this weekend, I challenge us to see the planet as one more relationship we are called to care for. And, while I have yet to write a piece on our environment, I find that the subject is actually very much in alignment with our friendships.

Allow me this moment to explain…

A Story of Our Beginnings

One of the stories of our beginnings comes from the book of Genesis in the Jewish scriptures.  In that version, Adam & Eve eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good & Evil, introducing sin into our world.

Sin is often described as disobedience, conjuring up images of preachers pounding podiums and warning of hell. But I find that definition to be too narrow for most of us.  Indeed sin can be wrong-doing that needs forgiveness, but there are many other metaphors used throughout sacred scriptures that sometimes speaks to us better at different times including: exile and return, slavery and liberation, fear and peace, missing the mark and staying the course, rejection and acceptance, and the one I want to focus on today: disconnection and reconciliation.

What Adam and Eve experienced that day was, among other things, a profound sense of disconnection. In so many ways, the wedge of what we call sin in this world, impacts all four of our relationships:

  1. Our Relationship to God: This is often the one that gets the most attention– the message often being that we have to re-prove ourselves to God or find ways to please God. But really I think it’s the next relationship, the one we have with our selves, that actually can mess up the one with we have with God. It becomes increasingly difficult to believe in a Love that is bigger than anything we can imagine or see.
  2. Our Relationship to Self: How we see ourselves, the ego that starts to motivate us, the defensiveness and fear we live from, our deep sense of never being quite-good-enough. We rarely feel the alignment we seek, often feeling at war with ourselves, distracted, torn, and pulled toward different values.
  3. Our Relationship to Others: As soon as fear entered our world, it became impossible to not look at each other with suspicion and distrust. In our need to feel good enough personally, it’s impossible to give the gift of acceptance and love to each other. The Other becomes a threat to our personal survival.  Even with those close to us, who we commit to love, we struggle our entire lives to live it out in ways that don’t hurt each other.
  4. Our Relationship to the Earth: Perhaps one of the saddest, and least talked about relationships that experienced deep wounding because of our fear is that with our planet. In the story of the Garden of Eden, a perfectly created earth began to grow thorns and experience it’s own form of death and decay. God commissioned the first humans with the responsibility to be stewards of the earth, working with God to reverse this decay rather than contribute to it. We have lost the very real sense of connection and responsibility for this home of ours– often seeing it as something to use, not seeing it as something to protect.

Every Relationship is Connected

My personal belief is that all the four relationships above are inter-connected. I actually don’t think we can segment ourselves, compartmentalizing some relationships as separate than others, and live full, abundant, healthy and love-filled lives.

In other words, you hear me often say that I don’t think we can decide to have healthy relationships with others, without having a healthy relationship with ourselves. Conversely, I don’t think we can fully be at peace with ourselves if we have angst in our relationships.

I know the God-piece throws off many of us– perhaps we’re uncomfortable with that particular title/label or how we’ve seen others use it for their purposes.  But whether we call it Bigness–the Universe, Spirit, Mother Nature, Karma, the Sacred, or God–the truth remains that whatever worldview we end up adopting, whatever belief we hold about what runs our world, or what we can expect from this life, this relationship with that which is outside of us cannot not impact our relationships with others and ourselves.

And in honor of Earth Day, I sound a clarion call that one more relationship we are called to attend to is that of our planet. Like any relationship, we have to figure out how we can enter into a healthy give-and-take– growing ever conscious of what we use versus what we replenish, restore, reuse, and grow. This call extends to how we treat and protect animals, how we view our forests and our farmland, how we share resources with others, and how we protect the eco-systems, water supplies, and every other gift our planet has offered.

Our Calling

I shared the story of the Garden of Eden because it beautifully ties all four relationships together. Our own distrust of God and our desire to grab whatever we want brings pain and consequence to all four relationships. What we do in one affects the others.  We are not separate.

The story of our beginnings that says that we will toil and hurt in all four of those relationships is picked up again, at the end of the same Bible, in the story of another New Beginning.  This one, in the book of Revelation, says that God wants to bring reconciliation to all that is disconnected. And every story in between those pages, for Jews, Muslims, and Christians is about our call to be, what one of the New Testament writers Paul describes as, “Ambassadors of Reconciliation.”

We are invited to carefully evaluate all four relationships and then do all we can to bring love, healing, safety, joy, and peace, wherever we can.

That means that if we say we want healthy friendships with other women, then part of that is getting healthy and pro-active about our relationship to how we give, protect, and love this planet that we call home.

Happy Earth Day!

 

 

Posted in Holidays, Personal Growth/Spirituality, Social Causes | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Race and Friendship

Posted on April 5, 2012 by ShastaGFC

Anderson Cooper is highlighting results all week on his CNN AC360 show about kids and race in America.  As adults it’s sometimes harder to gauge prejudice and racism since we are trained to be politically correct and don’t want to perceive ourselves as buying into any negative stereotypes. In kids there is only honesty and a mirroring of what they have been taught at home and school.

The word friend came up multiple times in the study and I felt both thrilled at the value our friendships play in integrating our society, but also convicted at how we still seem to all hang out with people who are more like us than not.

Seeing the Lack of Skin Diversity in My Friends

This last weekend I was with a group of my friends from my days when I lived in Southern California– a very diverse place. And as we kept gathering for group photos I felt a tinge of embarrassment that four out of the five looked alike– white and blond. How did that happen, I asked myself.  Our group wasn’t hand selected by any one person– we just all started coming together seven years ago.  We used to have a Latina in our group, but with her dropping out, now it’s just one gorgeous black woman and four whites. It made me want to at least dye my hair red or brown…

I love my friends... is it wrong to wish they were more racially diverse?

My defense mechanism went into play as I started naming all my other friends from different places, reminding myself that I know, love, and admire tons of non-white skinned people.  Take a picture of me with my local San Francisco friends and it would look very different.  And I tried to tell myself that diversity is more than skin color– I hang out with women of many different socioeconomic levels, various careers, a great range of personalities, different sexual identities, and I pride myself that I build relationships with single women and moms– two things I am not. But still, it bothers me that of my closest friends, most of them are white.

Unfortunately, I’m not alone in that.  As Rachel Bertsche reports in her book MWF Seeking BFF: “In 2004, only 15 percent of Americans reported having at least one confidante of another ethnicity…. Among college students arriving on campus, race and living proximity are the two strongest indicators of who your friends will be.”

Study after study keeps highlighting that while we may all self-report more diversity in our network, we still tend to grow closest to those who are most like us, skin color included. One creative study looked at wedding party photos online and assessed that only 3.7% of white brides and grooms have a black person as a bridesmaid or groomsman. Much has been reported about the study that showed that the larger and more diverse a college campus is, the more likely the students sought out people groups just like themselves.  When we live in highly diverse areas, we’re less likely to actually engage in all in the diversity and instead use the size as an opportunity to find more people like us.

Three Things I Learned on AC 360 Kids on Race Findings

1.  Black Kids Are More Racially Optimistic than Whites. In the year-long study sponsored by AC360 kids were shown a picture where it wasn’t clear what had happened and then asked questions such as “What’s happening in this picture?”, “Are these two children friends?” and “Would their parents like it if they were friends?”

Kids were shown this ambiguous photo and then asked a series of questions that revealed their prejudices based on the skin colors of the kids.

Only 38% of black children had a negative interpretation of the pictures, whereas almost double — a full 70% of white kids — felt something negative was happening.  Melanie Killen, the child psychologist in charge of the study said, “African-American parents … are very early on preparing their children for the world of diversity and also for the world of potential discrimination,” compared to most white parents who tend to avoid the subject and just hope that their kids are color-blind.

It made me super proud of all the black parents who are out there intentionally trying to help their kids integrate, and saddened me that most white parents wouldn’t view integration with the same importance or need.

2.  There’s a Subtle “Limit” for How Close We Should Get With Each Other.  While black children start out positive, by age 13 they become as pessimistic as white kids when shown similar pictures. Certainly more experiences of prejudice and an awareness of the racial realities would account for some of the growing pessimism of black children, but they also commented on how parents of both races start to change their tune as the children age.  When parenting a 6-year old we want our young kids to play nicely with everyone, but by the time they reach high school we’re getting worried about inter-racial dating.  In other words– the message shifts from “play with everyone” to “don’t get too close to someone of the opposite race.”

Subtly we can be taught to be friendly, but not to become close friends. It’s hard to teach equality when we sense that there is a limit to that equality. That we can only accept each other up to a certain point of intimacy–platonic or romantic.

While the racial distrust seems to show up in both white and black teens, other studies like the bridal party study I quoted earlier still seems to suggest that blacks are more likely to report close white friends than the other way around.  Nearly 96% of white bride and grooms have all-white wedding parties, whereas black brides and grooms are 22% likely to have a white friend stand up with them.

3.  Having a Friend of the Other Color Was Hugely Defining.  Enough studies show that we still flock to people like us even in diverse settings, but being surrounded by diversity still raises our perception of people different from us.  The white kids who were tested at diverse schools were drastically less negative than the white kids who attended mostly white schools.

“The reason, according to Dr. Killen, is about friendships. ‘There’s almost nothing as powerful as having a friend of a different racial ethnic background to reduce prejudice, to … have that experience that enables you to challenge stereotypes,’ she said.”

The whole subject of race is hard to talk about sometimes.  We risk seeing parts of us we’d rather deny and we’re scared of saying it wrong or offending each other.  And yet, I think it’s crucial that we keep holding up the mirror that reminds us to keep widening our circle of comfort and habit.

I’d love to hear some comments from some of you about the studies I’ve quoted…  What strikes you as you read some of their findings? Have you found these results to be reflective of your personal experiences? Do you wish you had more diverse friendships? What makes it hardest, in your opinion, to build these close relationships with people who have a different skin color? What have you learned from your relationships with people from a different culture or race?

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Difficulty & Challenges, Judging Others, Research, Social Causes, Types of Friends | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

My Annual GirlFriend Group: The Benefits of Long Distance Friendships!

Posted on March 29, 2012 by ShastaGFC

Tomorrow morning I fly out to San Antonio for my Annual SoCal Girls Weekend. SO EXCITED!

SoCal Girls Group

Few of us live near each other anymore-- so we all get together once a year. No matter what. :)

We used to all live in Southern California (hence why I still refer to us as the SoCal group!) where we would get together weekly for an evening of tea, book talk, and life sharing. I think we met for just over a year before life started moving some of us to new places, but we made a pact that we’d all get together at least once a year for the rest of our lives. We’re seven years in to that commitment. I love that we made that decision.

Since I’m always championing local and new friendships, I thought I’d rave today about  some of the pay-offs that come from our time spent with more long-term, albeit long-distance friendships:

  • Provides Ongoing Intimacy: I rate myself pretty low on the “good at staying in touch” with long-distance friends scale.  If it weren’t for this annual weekend these would be women who I simply would drift apart from. Sure, some of us see each other here-and-there if we’re traveling through each others cities on business or visiting family nearby.  A few texts and phone calls are exchanged between different ones of us throughout the year, and we also try to periodically stay in touch on a group Facebook page and via a couple of scheduled conference calls.  But those are all just updates.  It’s staying up all night talking for a weekend that brings us back to real Frientimacy.  These weekends are where we share the real stuff with women who know us.
  • Non-Negotiable Commitment: It’s a no-brainer every year to buy the airline ticket. Since we already made the decision years ago that this is going to happen, we don’t ever have to ask “Can I go this year?”  We don’t get input from our busy calendars, our budgets, or our spouses/kids as to whether we can go this year– we just say yes. The truth is we can always talk ourselves out of things if we raise the question–work will always be hectic, funds will always feel tight, kids will always need us– so it’s nice to have the important things in life already decided. Our friendship is important to us so we’ll keep the weekend short and inexpensive, but we will always be there.
  • Protected From Life Change:  Since our time together is really only a weekend every year– my friendship with these women doesn’t go up in flux if they get married, have another kid, change jobs, move to a different city, or go through a divorce. That’s a gift right there.  Most of our local friendships are constantly being impacted by the choices we all make– we get our feelings hurt when one person is too busy or goes through a big life change. So the downside to our long-distance group is that we may not know each others kids and husbands well, but the up-side is that any of that can change and it won’t change the fact that we are getting together for our 3 days.
  • We Know History & See Growth:  One of my favorite parts of our time together is that we all answer a few questions on paper about what our lives look like right now– things we’re grateful for, wounds we’re nursing, fears we’re feeling, goals we’ve set– and we put them in a folder that we only look at this one weekend.  This year, we’ll all open our long-forgotten page from last year and see how life has changed from then.  It’s like this mile-marker for life, giving us a chance to say “oh yeah, I remember feeling that fear… look at me now” or “interesting that this same thing keeps showing up every year on my page…”  We share with each other what we’ve written– sometimes crying, often cheering, but always loving. It’s nice to have friends who see us deeply once a year.
  • A Bigger-Picture-Type of Sharing: I love my local San Francisco girlfriends– we can talk on the phone ten minutes here-and-there, get together for tea, share dinners, and know what we’re each facing every week ahead.  There’s a consistency there that supports me in the best way ever.  But there’s also something really special about the friends who are removed from my day-to-day life, the ones who only see me occasionally. We talk about different things. Whereas friends here might ask what I’m doing today or this weekend, these friends ask about highlights and lowlights from the last year. The conversations give me a chance to think about life in a broader way, to reflect on the bigger issues.  They observe changes in me that might be harder for people who see me all the time to notice. They ask about things I’d long forgotten. They hold a space for me to learn about myself in different ways.

I tell you all this because if you don’t have this and want it– you can make it happen.  We did not all know each other when the six of us all started getting together weekly.  It’s not like we were all a clique from college.  I was new to SoCal and just started asking some girls if they wanted to come over for a weekly book discussion. Some of them invited someone else they knew… and our group formed.  You can do that.

For many of you it may be that you already have a few women flung across this country that you love and it may be that you simply need to make the decision to be the catalyst that gets you all together.  It can be affordable– Southwest has flights on sale all the time, hotel costs decrease when split among several of you, and you can just buy a few groceries to keep it simple.  This kind of friendship is worth the investment.

So tomorrow I board the plane knowing that on the other end will be women that I may not have seen in a year, but that I know will hug me and love me like few others can.

 

Posted in Best Friends, Consistency, Girls Night, Maintaining Friends, Types of Friends | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Shaping Serendipity as a Way to Make New Friends

Posted on March 15, 2012 by ShastaGFC

If serendipity is the aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident, then trying to increase that encounter with luck would be what we call “shaping serendipity.”

John Hagel, one of the authors of The Power of Pull, spoke last fall at the monthly SF Coaches association meetings I attend.  He spoke of shaping serendipity as a decision we can make to pull the people, ideas, and objects into our lives that we need.

Serendipity Poster

"Being at the right place at the right time has its advantages."

In other words, if you want to start a career in fashion then there are certain cities you could live in where the “serendipity” of meeting the right people, getting invitations to the right events, and learning the ins-and-outs of the industry might increase more than the plains of Kansas. If you wanted to marry another Jew, then you’re chances of “serendipity” increase in synagogues, Jewish dating sites, and through relatives than they do by hanging out at the bar down the street.  If you want to get pregnant then there are certain times every month where your “serendipity” improve. If you want to win the lottery, you have to buy a ticket. You get the idea.

Shaping Serendipity as a Way to Make New Friends

There are three levels of pull that Hagel breaks down, but I’m basically going to give my own definitions to tailor it to our subject of friendship.

1)  Access: Let’s start with the obvious: You have a higher likelihood of meeting new people at an event than you do on your couch with a remote control in your hand. That’s called accessing serendipity!  By showing up at something your chances have just gone up that you could make a new friend.

Where we spend our time affects our choices. How scheduled or open we are affects our availability. How much we’re around people impacts our options.

2) Attract: The next level up is recognizing that some events are more likely than others to be filled with the kind of women you want to meet and could be conducive to your purposes than others.

For example, I’ve found that small groups are easier for me than large networking events.  Something about a small group gives permission to everyone to introduce themselves, whereas at a large mixer one person has to be very willing to walk around introducing themselves.

I’ve also found that it’s easier to show up to something where interaction is expected such as at an entrepreneurs network, church community, or mothers/toddlers play group than it is to attend something where we’re all there for the concert, lecture, or workout class.

I’ve also found that my chances for connection seem to go up if I’m either by myself or with someone else who is also committed to meeting people.  Otherwise it’s too easy to stand there with my friend and talk all night to her.

I’ve also found that events or networks that cater to women increase my odds of meeting other women than events that are co-ed since we’re not there to flirt or show off our husbands.

What you want to do with your female friends can also give you information about where you have the best chances of meeting them.  If you are hoping to find someone to hike with– a hikers group ups your odds exponentially.

Joining a female friendship matching community like GirlFriendCircles.com is obviously one of the most strategic moves you can make since you know that everyone you meet is open to new friends and wants to connect. It’s hard to get better odds than that!  (But then it goes back to Step 1 where you have to show up for it to work!!!)

3) Achieve: This is the step where we maximize the serendipity, pulling out the full potential of the experience.  This is where we smile and make eye contact with others, lean in toward the person we’re talking to to hear everything they’re saying, ask questions that communicate our interest, assure them how happy we are to have met them, exchange our contact information, and follow-up.

That is no small list.  But without this third step then all we’re doing is networking up the wazoo, making small talk, and exhausting ourselves.

It’s how we engage and take advantage of the opportunities that will determine our ultimate success.  We could be in the ideal group of women, all engaging in meaningful conversation, but if we never followed up to repeat the experience then we haven’t achieved our serendipity.

One of the most powerful ways to do maximize serendipity is to care less about impressing those we meet and more about loving those we meet.  Sometimes our insecurities get the best of us and we erroneously think we need others to be wowed by us.  On the contrary, most people aren’t drawn to people they are intimidated by as much as they are drawn to people who seem to care about them.  Our odds of building friendship escalate when we show up caring more about how they feel than how we look. 

Vulnerability elicits trust. One of the things John Hagel said when he spoke was “we can’t invite serendipitous moments if we don’t expose our needs, problems, and struggles.” It’s so true. It’s when we risk showing our need that solutions are most offered.

A secret of neuroscience is found in what we call mirror neurons which ensures that what we give is the same as what we receive.  It’s why we yawn when we see someone else yawning. It means when we smile, we’re more likely to get a smile back.  When we’re vulnerable, we’re more likely to encourage their sharing.  When we tell them we like them, they’re going to like us more. When we seem excited to get together again, they’ll also feel more excited.

May making friends not just feel like pure dumb luck, but rather may we end up feeling lucky and knowing we helped produce the outcome.

______________________

Need Your Votes! Again!

In trying to shape my own serendipity– I need to ask you to throw two quick votes my way as I try to win bragging rights in two contests where I’m trailing behind….  Thank you! You can vote once every 24 hours so you can vote again even if you’ve already shown the love!

Favorite Website for Finding New Friends (vote for 2nd option: GirlFriendCircles): http://friendship.about.com/b/2012/02/22/vote-2012-favorite-website-for-meeting-new-friends.htm

Favorite Friendship Blog (vote 4th option: Shasta’s Friendship Blog): http://friendship.about.com/b/2012/02/22/vote-2012-favorite-friendship-blog.htm

THANK YOU!  xoxo


 

 

Posted in Books & Movies, Business, How To?, Making Friends | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I Need My Readers’ Votes!

Posted on March 13, 2012 by ShastaGFC

On behalf of GirlFriendCircles.com, I am honored that we are listed as finalists for two About.com Readers’ Choice Awards:

  1. Favorite Site for Making New Friends: Vote for GirlFriendCircles.com (2nd option)
  2. Favorite Friendship Blog: Vote for Shasta’s Friendship Blog (4th option)

It would mean a lot to me if you’d take a moment to vote for us in both the above contests since the eventual winner of these bragging rights will only be crowned based on the polls.

The deadline is one week away, on March 21 and we have a lot of ground to cover! You can vote once a day in both contests– I covet those 5 seconds!

We have a lot of clicking to do to get us up in first place, GirlFriends!

THANK YOU!

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The Role of Female Friendships on March 8: International Women’s Day

Posted on March 7, 2012 by ShastaGFC

Tomorrow is March 8, International Women’s Day.

International Women's Day is March 8.

Started in the early 1900′s, now dozens of countries from Afghanistan to Zambia celebrate this international holiday to mark the economic, political and social achievements of women. I’ve written before about my awakening to the ongoing needs to be powerful women so today I’m going to take a slightly different angle and talk about the role of friendship in that journey.

Relationships at the Center of Women’s Development & Identity

Women’s development is largely understood by psychologists and sociologists as being more dependent upon our connections with others, as compared to the development of men where they seemingly place higher value on their independence, self-reliance, and destiny fulfillment.

When I hear all those “masculine” words I actually feel very drawn to them so it reminds us that it’s not an easy, either/or, black-and-white, male vs. female comparison.  Nonetheless, on the spectrum of where we form our identity, women tend to lean into feeling their worth based on our relationships: being chosen (married, dating), being a mother, on being admired by the other women in our lives, by being the glue in our extended families.

Historically, in fact, we were only defined and valued by our relationships to men– who our fathers, husbands, and sons were.  Legally, morally, and socially, we had to be connected to men to have a secure status.   We’ve come a long way since the days where our characters were either “good” or “bad” due to our behavior with men and our place in society was dependent upon having a man to provide property, food, and reputation.  We are still expanding our definition of our own unique identity as women.

In the book “girlfriends” written in 1995 by Carmen Renee Berry and Tamara Traeder they make a compelling case for female friendship by saying,

“When we look to men as reference points, however, we lose sight of who we are as women. It is like trying to define an apple by comparing it to an orange.  The apple, described in terms of the orange, will never have it’s own identity, appeal, and value; it will simply be “not an orange.”

We are more than the value of our relationships to and with men, just as we are more than being “not men.”

An Ode to My Female Friendships

We are women, and perhaps it’s with other women that we can best define and name ourselves as we tell our stories, practice our power, and model our experiences. Not to negate one iota from the value I have found in connecting with men, but rather, to focus on the distinct value of connecting with women, it is in those relationships that I have found so much of myself.

So tomorrow, on International Women’s Day*, this post is to the women who have taught me to not just try to imitate men or be different than men, but to simply become a woman.

Thank you for the stories you’ve shared, whether it was during the slumber parties of our childhood, in the bath rooms of high school, in the college classrooms after class, over happy hour drinks or coffee or tea, in parks watching the kids, or in the adjacent offices of our careers.

Thank you for modeling for me and letting me ask the awkward questions as we all bumped through life wearing training bras before we needed them, wishing for our periods only to then wonder why we had ever thought that sounded like fun, and watching each other survive broken hearts to remind ourselves that when the time came, and it always did, that we, too, would survive.

Thank you for asking for the promotion and giving me courage to do the same, and thank you for whispering your fears as you weighed the cost of ambition as it helped me gauge my own price tags.

Thank you for being just as excited about finding that perfect rug on sale that pulls in all the colors of your living room for a mere discounted price worthy of your hunt, as you were about splurging that day at the spa.

Thank you for simultaneously assuring me that I don’t need to lose weight while also validating my desire to “get back into shape,” for telling me you like my hair long or short, but always concluding that how it is now is your current favorite, and for nodding understanding about how fast time flies while also telling me how young I still am.

Thank you for being the kind of women I could call in tears should I ever need to tell you that they found a lump in my breast. And conversely, that I could call with indistinguishable words should I ever have a book go on the best-seller list.  But more often than not, simply calling you with a nonchalant, “What are you making for dinner tonight?”

We alone know that even when men are doing 50% of the household chores that there are still countless things we do that make our lists a bit longer; and we alone know the feeling of pride and exhaustion of believing that we are the only ones that could do those things.  We can brag and commiserate that we are multi-taskers, seek balance as though it’s attainable, and feel guilty saying no even when it’s precisely the right answer.  Thank you for being a woman with me.

It is an honor to be a woman with you.  It is my privilege to learn from you and your stories.  It is a gift that you hear my own.  Thank you.

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* For more information about this international holiday or to participate in one of the hundreds of events across the country visit the official web site of International Women’s Day.

** On a side note, I’d be honored to have your vote of appreciation for my blog in the About.com Readers Awards for Favorite Friendship Blog. Two seconds of your time can help me narrow the gap from 2nd to 1st place! Thank you!

Posted in Best Friends, Holidays, Politics, Social Causes | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

All Those “Unhealthy People” Drive Me Crazy

Posted on February 29, 2012 by ShastaGFC

It’s all too easy to point fingers and feel frustrated at those people in our lives who don’t live up to our expectations.  After all, they are our friends who are supposed to “do anything for me” and “if I can’t count on them, then who can I trust?” and “I’m tired of being the one who always gives and never gets” and “I don’t have to put up with this unacceptable behavior.” We feel incredibly justified that we aren’t asking for too much and that we deserve to have our needs met by those around us.

I’m Not a Fan of This Trend in Blaming Everyone Else….

But I’m going to take an incredibly unpopular stance today and put myself in the shoes of the friends who are disappointing and annoying you.

What has become more clear to me in recent weeks as I’ve been listening to everyone around me is that this “kicking the toxic people to the curb” and “saying no to people who drain me” is all the rage.  It’s like a diet trend where everyone seems to be popping the same pill.

Everyone is pointing to someone else as annoying, toxic, or draining; as though we’re the only healthy and sane person left. We go around and tell the stories of these “crazy” people so that our ego has a chance to relive all the evidence we are collecting that ultimately will assure us that the problem is them, not us.

Let’s start with a few real life scenarios:

1)   Last week, one of my girlfriends was telling a story about her boss who does something that annoys her.  And I thought to myself… “Eeeks, if I were your boss I could see myself doing that too!” (I mean, it wasn’t an awful thing he was doing, it just wasn’t what she wanted at the time.) Which got me thinking how much, if I were him, I’d want to know that my response was upsetting someone when my intentions were the exact opposite.  But, like most of us, we’d rather chalk that up to one more piece of evidence that our boss sucks and go complain on the couch with girlfriends, as opposed to telling the boss that when he does x it feels like x.

2)   I recently read a column about a woman complaining about one of her friends who annoyed her because she seemed to always want more time with her (which, mind you, was fine with her when she as single, but less acceptable now that she was dating someone) and then the last straw was she hadn’t offered to come help pack up boxes when she was moving. These actions were disappointing and unacceptable to her. I immediately thought “Yes in an ideal world, I’d be packing up boxes next to you, but if I had sensed that you weren’t wanting to be around me as much, had a new relationship to help you, and you hadn’t expressed a need to have help packing, I may not have thought to call and take a day off work to do that with you. Especially if I have my own feelings hurt.” It’s a classic misunderstanding where they are both hurting and experiencing transition in their friendship– no one is actively trying to wound the other, they simply both want more from the other. Rather than talk about it, here is the woman saying this is ending their relationship, it’s the “last straw” that proves what a horrible friend this woman really is.

3)   Yesterday I was coaching a client who shared with me a story of how upset he was with the actions of someone in his life.  In the sharing of the story I realized that this other person undoubtedly doesn’t even know how upset or hurt my client is. The mistake wasn’t some huge grievance that we’d all agree was wrong, as much as it was more an issue of my client not feeling needed, validated and appreciated. And yet his anger is palpable.

Not Major Infractions, Just Miscommunications!

In all three cases, there is no doubt in the minds of the people relaying the story that the problem is with the other person.  Every single one of them devalued the subject of their dramas as being selfish, mean, toxic, annoying, or unhealthy.

In all three cases, I only know the side of the story of the one who is frustrated.  And, I validate all their frustrations.  They do deserve to have people who make them feel known, heard, loved, and appreciated.  I want that for all of them. I want them to have friends and colleagues who offer, give, and meet their needs.

However, in none of these cases are we talking about someone sleeping with your boyfriend, hitting your child, stealing your money, talking bad about you behind your back, or anything else we’d all agree was morally wrong.  I purposely left the sins vague to ensure privacy, but none of these were examples of people trying to hurt the other.We’re talking about unmet expectations.

And in all cases– not just unmet, but also, unknown.

I could easily be the person that all three of the tellers of those stories hate. :(

Does Disappointment Stem from Their Actions? Or Your Expectations?

Think about the situation right now that frustrates you the most. Is it a clear-cut “they did wrong” situation, or is it possible they just didn’t do it the way you wanted?

Expectations. Also known as the Devil. Especially if you’re the only one who knows what they are.

I’m becoming more aware of how frequently we get our feelings hurt due to the meaning we assign to someone’s behavior more than to their actual behavior. We are tempted to think that their actions, of lack of them, means those people don’t care, are selfish, or aren’t good friends. Which could potentially be a bit of a jump?

With my people-pleasing tendencies, the only thing worse than disappointing you, is disappointing you without knowing I did. To think of me doing something with good intentions and having it misconstrued (as is the case in #1) or to not know what your needs were and what would have most mattered to you (as could be the case in #2) or to simply not be reaching out to you in the ways that make you feel most validated (as is the case in #3)– I could most certainly be guilty on all counts.

So much of what’s upsetting us isn’t actual wrong-doing, it’s feeling like people should just be like us and do things the way we think is best.  We’re getting our panties all twisted because people aren’t living up to our unknown expectations….

Which leaves me wondering if the greater problem isn’t on us for better clarifying our needs rather then on them for not just guessing them?

What could happen if we said “How can I show up differently in this relationship to possibly get a different result?” What would happen if we sweetly reminded ourselves that there might be other interpretations to their actions?  And is it possible that they actually feel the same way, disappointed by you? Would it have helped if you had made a request of them rather than felt hurt that they didn’t read your mind?

I know it’s not popular for me to defend the ones you’re trying to vilify.  I just wanted to give a gentle reminder that most people aren’t trying to disappoint you. And most of them don’t even know they are.

Show some love and grace and honest conversation, my friends!

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Want More Reading?

Two articles I wrote for Huffington Post last year on a similar subject: Four Consequences to Labeling a Friend Toxic and then Toxic Friendship? Or Can You Work Toward Frientimacy?

Posted in Difficulty & Challenges, Judging Others, Maintaining Friends, Personal Growth/Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 19 Comments

New Friendship Making in NYC: Two Real Stories

Posted on February 21, 2012 by ShastaGFC

Note from Shasta: This week’s blog highlights two short pieces from actual members of GirlFriendCircles.com in New York City.  They have hosted events on our calendar and started many new friendships, including with each other. I asked them both if they would share a bit of their experience for you….

My Experience With GirlFriendCircles.com

Laurie Wicksman, author of the 1st story and a member of GirlFriendCircles.com

This post is written by Laurie Wicksman, an active member of GirlFriendCircles.com.

Wow, I met Shasta Nelson (who’s a knockout by the way) at a Channel 7 news interview, along with Kelly (aka. Nashville) and Michelle.  Besides her successful career as a life coach, Shasta is responsible for connecting me and thousands of others with some talented and sincere women, such as Michelle (a PHD student), Laurence (a French Professor) and Larice (Coordinator at Prominent Broadcast Cable Company).  Unlike, Kelly and Michelle, I wasn’t starting over in a new city.  I longed for quality friends, not simply the people I was friends with purely because we had a shared history.  My boyfriend, Tim, and I had gotten “pre-engaged” for our four year anniversary in September.  At last, I had found love.  Now, I needed a real friend.

Thirteen women meet potential friends at a member-led CalendarCircle "Death By Chocolate" event at Max Brenners in NYC!

Michelle, Kelly and I originally met at the first event I had attended.  Although my palms were sweaty and I was nervous, it opened doors to a whole new world.  Being that my fiance, Tim (my mad scientist), is away quite often at MIT, he suggested that I throw an event of my own.  As mentioned on my GirlFriendCircles.com profile, Max Brenner’s is a NYC hot spot.  He asked me, “What do women love?”  That was obvious.  “Chocolate, chocolate and more chocolate.”

Using her great social and organizational skills, Michelle brought a successful turnout of an event to life, at my favorite restaurant. Thanks Michelle, for making it happen!  For those of you who don’t know, Max Brenner’s specializes in chocolate dishes, including cocktails.  So of course, as I had said to my fiance earlier, nothing comes between a girl and her love for chocolate.  There was nothing more thrilling for me than seeing thirteen women from very diverse backgrounds come together, sharing two common interests: dessert and finding friendship. I finally felt like I was part of something fun and exciting!

At the end of the day, however, what truly matters isn’t who did or did not come to the party and why.  Nor is it, marital status, religion, or income level that is relevant.  But, meaningful relationships are inspiring one another to be the very best that we can be and not letting each other down.   That’s what friendship means to me.

Laurence, a lovely woman of French extraction, attended my Serendipity event as well, and loved both events!  These are two amazing women that I’ve met through GFC, and hope to stay in touch with for a long time.  This was just the tip of the iceberg, however.  GFC has opened the door to countless other possibilities and friends for me.

Most importantly for me, it’s about sharing those life experiences, that although alienating and painful, ultimately, have changed my life.  What I’ve learned from GFC is that we’re not alone in our unique situation.  Whether you’ve lost a loved one or suffer from chronic pain, like myself, there is someone out there who has gone through it too.  Somehow, you meet that person who brings you out of the isolation to simply let you know that you’re not alone in your physical or mental challenges.  They can provide you the strength to go forward.  I am reminded of a quote from my friend Larice, who inspires me everyday by overcoming obstacles, achieving success and persevering in her own life.  “The deeper your scars, the more room there is to fill them up with love.  Don’t hate your scars, appreciate their depth.”

What’s next in the chapter of life?  I don’t know but, GFC has certainly helped me along.  How many of us have a true friend?  “A diamond in the rough” is priceless and difficult to come by.  You just have to keep looking and you’ll get lucky.  I did.  Thanks, GFC!  I’ll never forget you!

Note from Shasta: It was a privilege to meet you Laurie! I’ll never forget that you brought me a bag of yummy snacks (including chocolate!) while I was traveling– your heart is made of gold. Thanks for sharing.

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A Year After GirlFriendCircles, I Have Real Friends

This post is written by Michelle Scott, an active member of GirlFriendCircles.com.

Michelle Scott, the author of this second story, moved to NYC and needed to make new friends.

Last year was the most challenging year of my life for a number of reasons. I moved from the Midwest to New York City to live with my husband, who had already been living and working there for two years. I moved away from a home and life we had built together. I left a fulfilling job in which I felt valued and needed. I left wonderful neighbors, long-term friends, and family. I knew life in the big city would be different. I knew selling and giving away the majority of our possessions in order to live in a small, furnished NYC apartment would be quite an experience in surrendering and adapting. I knew making new friends would be a critical part of enjoying my new life in this new city.

One surprise was my first-ever challenge in finding a job. With a graduate degree and over halfway through a PhD program, I thought landing a job would be a cinch. Enter the importance of encouraging friends. When I preferred not to express my frustrations to my husband, I could seek the advice, comfort, and encouragement of friends. They helped with networking and shared stories of how they and their friends had struggled and succeeded in the Big Apple. It was a camaraderie that I did not expect. While my friends “back home” were encouraging, there is something unique about leaning on those who live and strive in this city that never sleeps.

Four Friends from GirlFriendCircles.com: Marina, Laurence, Laurie (the author of the 1st story) and Michelle (the author of the 2nd story!)

Almost a year after the move, I am working various jobs, nearing the finish line of my education, and am better settled in New York. I now have several circles of friends I can call on to meet for coffee, share a laugh, or ask for prayer or advice. Unless you have lived in New York City, especially Manhattan, you cannot understand the pull for and limitation of time. As a student, working multiple jobs, volunteering and attempting to maintain friendships can be challenging. How does one find enough time and energy for everything that is important?

My main goal this year is to be more generous with my time and my heart. I believe Woody Allen is credited for saying “90% of life is just showing up.” While showing up is extremely important, it is not always enough. I need to be able to give of myself to others. It is possible to show up and still be stingy with our time. It might come through with checking our watches or phones, giving the impression that something or someone else holds a priority over the current activity or person with whom we are engaged.

A secondary goal for this year is to become more organized. Glancing through the 2012 IKEA catalog, I came across a small quote: “Fika (fee-Ka) is something all Swedes love to do. Simply put it means grab a friend, some coffee or tea, and something sweet to nibble on.” This little quote jumped out at me in the midst of the kitchen section. I’ve never been to Sweden, but I think this is what we long for: joining a friend for coffee, a sweet, and a time of togetherness. No matter your challenges or what you hope to achieve this year, let’s join together in our intentionality to show up for our friends and treat them and ourselves to the joys of great friendship.

Note from Shasta:  Michelle– thank you for being a Connector in New York City, a woman who joined and immediately started scheduling events and reaching out to other members. Thank you for helping foster friendships right where you landed.  Best to you in your goals for the upcoming year!

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If you aren’t yet a member of GirlFriendCircles.com we invite you to join! And if you already are– I hope you’ll go RSVP for an event (even if you’re nervous like Laurie admitted she was) or that you’ll jump in and host an event like Michelle did!

Posted in Guest Blogs, How To?, Making Friends | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I Just Want to Fit In! The Insecurities of Not Belonging.

Posted on February 15, 2012 by ShastaGFC

One of the hardest parts of life is feeling the fear of not fitting in, whatever that means.

As a kid I wished I could afford the ever-cool Guess jeans and Ked shoes instead of the $14.99 Jordache’s and Payless Shoe Store wanna-be’s that my mom bought. Later, my idea of fitting in would include wishing I’d start my period, need a bra, and kiss my first boyfriend when it seemed everyone else had already passed into the land of adulthood before me.

I can laugh now at the silliness that seemed so important at the time. It also causes me pause to consider what my Keds are now– what feels important now but might look silly to me down the road?

Now I have been gifted with the maturity to realize that my value doesn’t fluctuate on how others view me and that “in” means a thousand different things to different people.  But to know I don’t need to fit in everywhere doesn’t mean I still don’t want to. I blogged a couple years ago about how our greatest fear in life is rejection, and even just feeling the possibility of not belonging is enough to tap all our insecurities.

Sometimes my maturity is overridden by an insecure teenage girl that still just wants to fit in.

Do I Belong Here?

Yesterday, I was at a Women 2.0 Pitch Conference geared for female founders of tech start-ups.  The irony isn’t lost on me that a conference where I should feel like I fit in perfectly can still stir up all my little inner critical voices. Fear really isn’t all that rational.

Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, is the epitome of someone who would fit in at this conference... and yet she's been a lot of places where she didn't. Here, she sits in the red chair.

So in the spirit of transparency I’ll admit I felt out-of-place. Yes I was a woman. Yes I had founded a start-up company.  Yes it’s doing well and growing. Yes it’s in the space of technology. Yes by all intents-and-purposes I belonged there.

I’ve blogged before about how difficult conferences can be for many of us (Pushing Through the Nerves to Meet People and The Mistake that Cost Me a New Friendship) but it can be in any setting where we may not already know a lot of people, may have a lot to learn, and may be surrounded by lots of amazing people that cause us to question our own amazing-ness.  There’s a thin line between wanting to be inspired and called forward, and yet not feeling overwhelmed and incompetent! Put us in that place where we start wondering if we can reach our hoped-for-success and we’re automatically in a very vulnerable place.

I was surrounded by people who had all earned MBA’s.  Seemingly all from Stanford.  And suddenly I felt like I would never know the right people, be a part of the powerful network, or be able to learn fast enough everything they already seem to know. My insecure little girl kept whispering “let’s just go back home where we feel safe and comfortable.” You see, my expertise is in personal development, relational health, and spiritual growth– not in funding rounds, code engineering, product shipping, user interface design, and market research. In some worlds my skill set could make me a rock star, in this one I was just very aware of everything I lacked.

And therein lies the challenge with fear–we’ll never get where we want to without feeling it since it pops up anytime we leave our comfort zone. And obviously our comfort zone, while not scary, isn’t bringing us want we value. We want to keep moving forward… but that always includes leaving our comfort zone. UGH!

For most of you in my female friendship community– you crave deeper connections.  But unfortunately that requires you to meet strangers first.

Then follow-up. And do it again.  And wonder if they liked you too.  And wonder if it’s their turn or your turn to make the next move. And then you have to risk sharing pieces of you, getting vulnerable.  And you have to find a new way of being with someone new. It’s not without fear and insecurity that we walk that path.

Whether it’s you wanting local meaningful friendships or me wanting to know how to best grow my company so that you can all make more friends– we both will feel the fear of the unknown.

And we will eventually have to value the potential as greater than the fear we feel.  We’ll have to feed the dream, starve the fear.  We’ll have to weight the outcome as worthy of the path.

I Have to Believe I Do Belong.

Sitting in the red chair for the "Sit With Me" campaign, whispering a hope for you.

At the conference yesterday they had a red chair there for the Sit With Me campaign designed to validate the role of women in the technology field. Men and women around the world are sitting in red chairs as their way of saying “we need to sit together, we want all voices and talents involved!”

On a form I was asked “Who are you sitting for today?” And while the obvious answer is for women in general, I specifically wrote that I was sitting for all those who weren’t sure they belonged at the table, no matter their insecurity, perceived obstacle, greatest fear, hidden truth, or lack of credentials. I sat in that chair and whispered to myself “I do belong and so do thousands of others.”

I sat in that chair and whispered that hope for you. That whatever chair you need to sit in– that you would know you belong there.  No one else has to tell you that you do.  You just have to sit.

Kinda the way Rosa Parks belonged in the front of the bus…. Belonging can’t be given to us, we just have to know it.

In some ways I was out of place, but in other ways I belong there and have much to offer that world in ways that no Stanford-MBA-serial-entrepreneur ever could. They’re needed. And so am I. We all belong not because we’re the same, but because the world needs all of us, contributing our best. Blessing the world in whatever way we each can.

If you’re afraid of meeting at a ConnectingCircle or going to some event with strangers, I invite you to show up, sit in a chair (even if it’s not red!) and remind yourself you’re putting action behind what’s important to you. There is room for you!

It’s not without insecurity and doubt that we will contribute, step out, participate, engage, and sit– in order to stand for what we believe in. It is even with those fears that we will do so.

And it’s because of what we hope could be the outcome that will make the fear worth it.

 

 

 

Posted in Our Mistakes, Social Causes | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment