Time to Plan an Adult Sleep-Over with Friends!

The power of sleep-overs is something we don’t think much about as adults, or do all that frequently.  But we should.  There are still few experiences that can accelerate our intimacy and deepen our hearts as having un-rushed time together that includes talking until ready for bed and waking up in the same place together.

Visiting Friends

Traveling to New York City– a trip I seem to make at least twice a year– has become so much more fun since one of my girlfriends from San Francisco moved there a couple of years back.  I see her far less frequently now that we’re not getting together once a month for dinner on the west coast, but the time we spend together living in the same place for a few days in NYC is bonding us in ways that few of my friendships get to experience.

When I was back there two weeks ago I couldn’t help but observe just how much intimacy these sleep-overs have added to our relationship: making coffee together in our pajamas in the mornings, debriefing our days with each other in the evening, making plans for dinner with her hubby and her cousin on Saturday night, being at home with her when her new dining room table arrived, and getting a feel for their rhythm and schedule.

A few days together did for our relationship what would have taken years of dinners and phone calls to get to.  There’s something so magical about staying up late talking, spending time in someone else’s life and home, and having a few days together to get past all the updates and still have time to just talk about other things.

Planning Friendship Get-Aways

I experience this same magic every spring during my annual girlfriend weekend with four of my friends who are committed to us meeting up somewhere every year.

This is my dream-- not having to shower to meet up but simply waking up together and all walking to a coffee shop to start our day together.

This is my dream– not having to shower to meet up but simply waking up together and all walking to a coffee shop to start our day together.

Although in this case we’re not typically staying in each others homes, which means we miss out on seeing each other in normal day-to-day life a bit more, the upside is that we’re all stepping out of our lives and making the weekend together entirely about talking and connecting which deepens our relationships in ways that a hundred phone calls couldn’t compete with.  It’s a bit more like a slumber party in all the best ways.  (And since all these women are mothers of young children, it’s even more amazing to me that they all commit to step away for a weekend every single year!)

We don’t necessarily do each others hair like we might do if we were teenagers and we don’t make movies and boys the focus of our time together anymore, but we still laugh, get silly, tell secrets, and fill each other up with love.

Local Slumber Parties

For many, I find that slumber parties and sleep-overs seem to happen primarily with only one circle of friendships:  the confirmed circle, the friends we used to be close to but no longer live nearby.  Like my two previous examples it’s either because she lives where I’m visiting or because we’ve all planned to meet up somewhere together, but these aren’t friends who live in San Francisco.

But one thing I’ve really been enjoying lately is thinking more about sleep-overs with people who live nearby.

When we were kids it was exactly those people– our closest friends, even if they just lived next door to us– that we’d beg to have stay the night with us. It was rarely because they needed to spend the night, but more because we wanted extra time with each other.

One of the coolest nights happened earlier this year when one of my husbands best friends invited us to come spend the night at their home only 30 minutes away.

No scheduled dinner in the world can bond friends together the way bathrobes and pajamas tend to do. :)

We typically just drive home after dinner, but they begged us to bring our pajamas and spend the night, and even though we had to leave in the morning right after breakfast, I assure you that the time together was several times more bonding than had we left the night before.

I also experience this magic every time my step-daughter asks us if she can spend the night with us when her husband occasionally leaves town.  We’re lucky that they’re local and we get to see them regularly, but it’s an extra treat when she comes and stays the night with us– the slower conversations, the watching of TV together, the embracing of her into our daily routine is fun in a way that just having them over for dinner cannot replicate.

Whether it’s spending the night in normal life or leaving normal life to spend the night with each other– they are both bonding in ways that can’t easily be duplicated by regular get-togethers.  All the 2-4 hour scheduled dinners in the world can’t replicate the experience of unrushed time and casual lounging around that sleep-overs afford.

(A few adult slumber party resources for you from other bloggers if you’re up for planning a really intentional one:  5 reasons to host a slumber party, ideas for hosting, and fun ideas on pinterest)

Your Invitation

I challenge you to think of someone in your life who you might consider initiating a sleep-over!

  • Maybe it’s someone who lives far away and you just want to call and say “Hey, either I should come to you or you should come to me– but let’s get a weekend on the calendar!”
  • Or maybe, it’s two to three local friends who have all been getting to know each other better and you’re ready to help deepen the bond by saying, “Hey maybe we should all try to find a weekend where we can have a sleepover together, like when we were kids!”
  • Or maybe, it’s just skipping the hotel on one of your trips to see if a friend is up for hosting you, or calling a friend you know who travels near you and saying, “Hey next time you’re in town, you are so welcome to my place! I know it’s not as comfy as a hotel, but it might be more fun!”

We talked about vulnerability in a recent blog and this is an example of the “practicing new ways of spending time together” option.  It will feel a little awkward and it will require a little initiation… but trust me, when it comes to making you feel closer to someone, there are few experiences that can deepen your friendship than the gift of a night under the same roof!

LEAVE COMMENTS: Do you have friends spend the night? Share with us your ideas, how it helps your friendships, etc.! Never done a slumber party?  What’s holding you back? Did this inspire you?  Will you accept my invitation/challenge?  :)

xoxo,

Shasta

p.s.  Come to an already planned slumber party!  :) We are guaranteeing spots to everyone who registers by Nov. 1 for the New Years Retreat that I’m hosting in Northern California this January 2-4, 2015.  This weekend away might be a perfect excuse to call a friend and see if she wants to join you for a slumber party!  You can read all about the retreat by requesting the invitation here.  We already have women in their 20′s and 60′s signed up to be there– so all ages are welcome!  It’s going to be a super special weekend of celebrating/honoring the past year while preparing for the upcoming year with excitement and anticipation!

Reveal 2015

Comfy lodging, healthy and nourishing food, walks in beautiful nature, jacuzzi under the stars, retreat activities led by me, new friends, tons of laughter, and lots of time to hear your own heart whisper– if that’s your cup of tea, I so hope you do whatever you can to be with us!

NOTE: The retreat was initially designed for two friends to come together, but due to several requests, we’re also opening it up for women to come alone and we’ll match you up with other women who are coming alone so that you can all meet, share, and have someone witness your journey when appropriate!  So come as a pair of friends, or come and meet new friends– but if you value reflection, listening to your own heart, connecting with other women, and rejuvenating your spirit– then know that you are welcome at our slumber party!  RSVP by Nov. 1!

 

 

 

Posted in Events, Girls Night, Maintaining Friends, Practical Ideas, Travel & Friends | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Expectation Hangovers in Friendships

When I saw that my friend Christine Hassler was celebrating the launch of her new book with a book party in NYC when I happened to be in town for another event, I quickly signed up to be there, one more woman celebrating the completion of such a huge goal in her life.

While I went to support her and cheer her on, it hit me as I was sitting there listening to her workshop on dealing with disappointment that I actually need her book!  Ha! I left there excited to read Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life.

Huge congrats to Christine Hassler on the release of her newest book:  Expectation Hangover!

Huge congrats to Christine Hassler on the release of her newest book: Expectation Hangover!

This season of my life feels full of unmet expectations, unattainable hopes, and discouraging responses. I try to cheer myself up with thoughts like “Now Shasta, you know grief and and crisis and this is no where close to that,” and  “Seriously, your life is good, stop feeling discouraged. Focus on all that you have!” Sometimes those little talks give me the perspective I need, but often they just leave me feeling guilty that I even felt bad to begin with. The truth is that with many unmet expectations comes a bit of loss, which naturally leads to sadness.

And it got me to thinking about how often we have expectation hangovers in our friendships, too.

Unmet Expectations in Friendship

I know I’ve felt them before, and I’ve heard from many of you that you, too, know the feeling of wanting those friendships to be easier, faster, or more meaningful.

  • After a great time together, you hope she’ll reach out and she doesn’t.
  • You wrote her an email and she didn’t write back.
  • You went to a ConnectingCircle hoping to make new friends and there was no one you really clicked with.
  • You’ve known her for months now, but it never feels like your friendship is progressing deeper.
  • She said something that felt judgmental when you really just hoped for an evening where you felt supported.
  • You leave a dinner party and think it was a waste to go since there was no deep conversation that happened.
  • You hang out with a friend but she doesn’t ask you about your life.
  • You were moving and hoped your friend would offer to help pack boxes but she was too busy to notice.
  • You keep trying to be friendly to everyone you meet but never quite feel like you’re making real friends.

You know the feeling.  Sometimes we don’t even think we have “high expectations” but in the aftermath of an experience, we feel weary, depressed, and more discouraged than if we hadn’t even tried.

Transform the Hangovers

Far be it from me to try to teach in a blog post what took Christine an entire book to teach (she does a fabulous job of helping readers not just want to “get-over” these disappointments but to transform their lives through processing them on a spiritual, emotional, mental, and behavioral level) but I asked her if I could at least share an excerpt from her book with you that might be of value in your friendships:

Excerpt from Christine: Don’t Go to a Chinese Restaurant Looking for Nachos! 

“If you were craving nachos, would you go to a Chinese restaurant? No! Because you know that in a Chinese restaurant, they don’t serve nachos. In fact, they probably wouldn’t even have the ingredients to make them. If you really wanted nachos, you would go somewhere where they serve them, right?

Most of the time, we know what we are craving when we reach out to someone else. If someone in your life has consistently reacted and responded in a way that has not satisfied your needs, chances are they do not have the ingredients to do so. Continuing to go to that person, hoping that someday what you are hungry for appears on their menu, is like continuing to walk into a Chinese restaurant when you want nachos. You may get fed, but not with what you truly wanted to eat. And now the only leftover you have is an Expectation Hangover.

We cannot change people. I repeat: we cannot change people. This can be especially challenging when you really want a significant person in your life, such as a parent or romantic partner, or best friend to be able to satisfy your cravings. However, sometimes they just don’t have the ingredients to do so. Other people are not wrong if they don’t live up to your expectations; they are who they are. Accept what they do have to offer you.

Think of some of your common “cravings” that involve being supported by others: someone to just listen; an objective resource for feedback; someone to laugh with; someone you feel safe to be vulnerable with; a person who will offer time and physical assistance when you need help with a move or project; or someone who is encouraging. Now consider which people you go to for those things but who you come away from with an Expectation Hangover. Make a commitment to yourself that you will stop going to them when you have a craving for something they cannot dish out. Love and accept them for who they are; they are doing the best they can. Consider the people who do match up with some of your cravings — there may be a lot of cooks in your kitchen that you might not have been aware of because you were hanging on to expectations of others. Being conscious and proactive regarding our expectations of others is how we get desires and needs met in healthy and expectation-free ways.

It is true that we can be catalysts for another person’s change, but in most cases in order to be that catalyst, we have to be totally unattached to being it. Working and endlessly hoping to change someone else will not only lead to an Expectation Hangover, but it will also distract you from doing your own work. Often it is detachment, acceptance, and honoring our own truth that inspire others to find the truth within themselves.

Now think about who you go to when you are craving support, encouragement, guidance, unbiased advice, loving feedback, or acknowledgment. Do you go to people who are consistently able to dish out what you are hungry for? Or do you find yourself going to people who do not have what you need on their menu and then find yourself consistently discouraged and disappointed?”

I believe entirely that many more friendships could be fulfilling if we saw them for who they are, rather than wishing they would be someone different.  May you love your friendships for what they are, while continuing to be on the hunt for the “restaurant” that serves the best nachos in town!

xoxo,

Shasta

p.s.  Christine is still traveling to LA, Chicago, Austin and Dallas for the rest of her book tour. Use the code CHRISTINEFRIEND to save $10! You get a whole 2-hour workshop– super good!

p.s.s. I LOVED all the interaction on the post last week!  Makes me happy to connect with you.  Share with us an expectation hangover you’re going through, or what’s helped you transform disappointment into learning– and I’ll come comment as much as I can! xoxo

Posted in Books & Movies, Difficulty & Challenges, Events, Personal Growth/Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

5 Types of Vulnerability: It’s Way More than Skeletons in Your Closet!

I believe that our greatest fear is rejection– the worry of what people think of us, the desire to be accepted, the craving to feel like we are good enough.

So anything that risks us possibly feeling rejected is going to feel vulnerable.

What is Vulnerability?

Vulnerability, as defined by the dictionary means “capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt.”

Some psychologists use words like disclosure, sharing, uncovering, and revealing to describe the act of being vulnerable.

One of my friends the other day described vulnerability as the willingness to let someone else impact us. A willingness, then, to actually be touched or moved by others.

Brene Brown, the Queen of Vulnerability (author of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead) defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.”  After decades of researching shame she has helped make the connection in our culture that if we shy away from vulnerability (thinking that it protects us from shame) that we are, indeed, shying away from the core of our feelings, including many of the “good” feelings we want to feel!  She says,

To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of a fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.

For me, I often think of vulnerability as showing up with less of a filter on expressing who I am. I recognize that it’s not appropriate to share everything with everyone, but by the same token, I believe I can always share parts of me with everyone, and I strive to share more of me with a few, worrying less about what they will think of me as we built a mutual and safe relationship with each other. (Here is an old post that gives a visual for how we can incrementally increase our vulnerability in appropriate ways.)

Whatever words we use to define vulnerability– more importantly, is what it looks like when we practice it.

To that end, I want to emphasize five different expressions of vulnerability that are crucial to building healthy relationships.

Five Different Expressions of Vulnerability That Are Important

These five expressions all take practice.  None of us is immune from them feeling like a risk.  By definition, the very idea that we could get hurt will cause some of us pause.  Like I say in my book, it’s valuing the connection, intimacy, and meaning on the other side that helps us value the possible gains over the possible disappointment.

I invite you to look at these five and ask yourself the question, “Which one of these could I practice more of in my life?” Knowing that when we find the one that might be the most difficult or scary, we have likely also found the one that could be the most expanding, meaningful, and freeing!

  1. New Ways of Interacting: For many of us, this one is surprisingly hard, though we don’t often view it as a new way to practice vulnerability since it’s less about sharing something and
    All relationships start with a tiny circle and incrementally become bigger and more meaningful as we practice widening our circle by expanding the ways we interact.

    All relationships start with a tiny circle and incrementally become bigger and more meaningful as we practice widening our circle by expanding the ways we interact.

    more about acting on something, but anytime we “put ourselves out there” and extend an invitation, it is an action of vulnerability. A growing friendship depends upon us showing up willing to keep pushing the friendship into new territory– the first time we start texting each other, the first time we extend an invitation, the first time we meet each others families, the first time we get together outside of a business premise, or the first time we just pick up the phone with no obvious excuse. The gift in initiating these new ways of being together is that these courageous actions are necessary to build the meaningful connection.  We initiate and our chances increase exponentially that we end up with more friendships that matter.

  2. New Areas of Conversation: This might mean adding topics
    Expanding what we talk about-- new subject matters become safe topics-- helps us widen the capacity of our friendships.

    Expanding what we talk about helps us widen the capacity of our friendships.

    such as politics, compassion, books, spirituality, body image, parenting, marriage, or goals to the conversation that is usually limited to the 2-3 safe topics already established. The gift in this type of sharing is it gives your friendship the chance to practice connecting on a wider range of life interests and experiences, helping you practice being interested even when it’s not your thing, and glues the two of you together as more of your lives are shared.

  3. All relationships are rooted in us feeling accepted for who we are which comes when we share our insecurities.

    All relationships are rooted in us feeling accepted for who we are which comes when we share our insecurities.

    Areas of Shame & Insecurity: This is the expression we most often associate with vulnerability, but it’s just one piece.  This certainly couldinclude the fear of revealing events from our past, actions we regret, and moments that made us feel un-lovable or unworthy; but far more significant than what happened to us back then, is practicing sharing where we feel insecure or worry with our lives now. There is healing in sharing these things with people who we have developed a safe relationship with as speaking our shame brings light into the darkness and disproves the voice that says those things make us less-than.  The gift is being reminded that we are worthy even when we feel shame.

  4. Accomplishments, Achievements, and Pride: I’ve noticed a trend among women that sometimes we’re more comfortable sharing our complaints and frustrations (usually about others, than about ourselves) than we are to share our accomplishments and
    Just as it's important to go deep, it's also important to go high! Healthy relationships bear witness to our power, our happiness, and our talents.

    Just as it’s important to go deep, it’s also important to go high! Healthy relationships bear witness to our power, our happiness, and our talents.

    joys. We are so fearful of being seen as arrogant, or so desperate to want to fit in and relate (shouldn’t talk about how fulfilling my marriage is when no one else seems happy in theirs…) that we minimize ourselves or dim our lights. We fear being judged for our positive traits as much as we do for our negative ones, frequently. I love asking my friends, “What’s energizing in your life right now?” Or, “What are some of the highlights of your summer?” Or, “Tell me something that you’ve done recently that made you feel proud?” The gift is giving permission to ourselves that it’s okay to shine, to choose happiness, and to love who we were created to be– it gives permission to others, and helps us practice so we can shine brighter in this world.”

  5. Asking for What You Prefer, or Need: For this one I draw a heart in the center because it starts with being in touch with myself
    It doesn't matetr how far out our circles grow or our arrows expand if we can't keep the core nourished with knowing ourselves and expressing ourselves authentically.

    It doesn’t matter how far out our circles grow or our arrows expand if we can’t keep the core nourished with knowing ourselves and expressing ourselves authentically.

    to know what it is I need and prefer in any situation.  Sometimes it’s as light as saying to anyone, “I so appreciate your advice, but what I really need right now is you to just listen and tell me I’m not crazy for feeling this way;” and sometimes it’s an ask we make of some of our safer relationships, “Right now, I need you to come over here.  I’m falling apart.  I know it’s a big ask as your life is full and busy, too, but if there’s any way you can be here, it would mean a lot.” The gift in this is learning to hear our own wisdom whisper what we need, what would be meaningful, and developing friendships where we don’t have to be mind-readers but can come to trust each other to tell us how we can best love each other.

In my next post I want to show more how all these five areas work together, and are dependent upon each other.

But for now, are you willing to be brave enough (practice vulnerability!) and post a comment just sharing which of the five feels most important for you to practice right now in your friendships?

Posted in Defining Friendship, How To?, Qualities of Friendship, Vulnerability | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 24 Comments

Friendships Don’t Just Happen – for Guy Friends

From Shasta:  I’ve long-held that most men crave more meaningful friendships and while I don’t have the same expertise and experience in teaching men as I do to women (that won’t stop me from trying though! ha!) I have been long interviewing men about their friendships because I think there is a lot there that we aren’t yet talking about, and need to be.

Greg Tjosvold has preferred friendship with women much of his life but is grateful to be exploring meaningful friendships with men now.

Greg Tjosvold has preferred friendship with women much of his life but is grateful to be exploring meaningful friendships with men now.

One of the men whose opinions and experiences on this subject has impressed me greatly is Greg Tjosvold, a middle-school teacher, husband, father, and author living outside of Vancouver, Canada.

Greg’s story is poignant… as he comes to have faith in other men wanting and willing to grow in closer friendship with each other.  I hope that as we keep modeling men having deeper friendships and giving more permission (as a culture) to men to get together to talk and share life (without sports being the only acceptable excuse) that we will see that frientimacy is something that enhances all of our lives, regardless of our gender.

Huge thanks Greg for sharing the story of the Barley Brethren with us!  :)  Love it!

—————-

Friendships Don’t Just Happen – for Guy Friends

by Greg Tjosvold

He stopped trying to shove my head in the toilet when I started to cry. Grade 8 boys weren’t supposed to cry, but it worked.

Most of my interactions with guys have been like that. Until I was 14, I was very small for my age. I was an easy target for wannabe bullies trying to establish themselves. I was not athletic, so I was always picked last, if picked at all. And if I was on the team, invariably the captain would call me out in front of my peers for my less than stellar play. Being small gave others the chance to be “big.”

As a teen, I didn’t drink, tinker with cars, or “chase tail” – the favorite activities of most of the guys I knew in my small Canadian logging town. I was attracted to solo adventures like fly-fishing and astronomy. Those were safe for me. And so were girls.

My best friends have always been women.

In school, the girls I hung out with never attempted to give me a “swirly.” In fact they told off people who tried. I was always included by my amazing girl cousins whom my family visited frequently. My best friend in high school, a wonderful young woman of Japanese heritage, always kept a seat free and a meaningful conversation ready for me on the bus ride home. I played flute in band, but rather than shunning me, the cool girls in the band, the “Fearsome Five-some” I called them, made time for me. Girls were there for me; guys were not.

Things have not really changed much for me as an adult; by comfort and profession, I am still surrounded by women. My wife is my absolute best friend and soul mate. My BFF is a former teaching partner; I was her “man of honor.” As a teacher in the lower grades, I once found myself working in a building where everyone other than me, from janitor to principal, was a woman. And I was OK with that. I still feel safest in my female connections.

So I was as shocked as anyone when I said yes to an invitation from a colleague to join the founding chapter of “The Barley Brethren.” I am the rebel seventh – the lone non-drinker in a group of men coming together each week to share each other’s journeys over a six-pack of quality craft beer. For the first time in my life I am hanging out with guys and enjoying it.

What happened? This new adventure, this new friendship experiment, is a happy byproduct of navel-gazing, need, and Shasta.

Navel-gazing

As I approached my 50th birthday, I became very self-reflective. One of my realizations? That it is hard being a married, middle-aged man with female friends. On more than one occasion an outside observer has assumed I’ve been up to something. Or that I’m gay. Sometimes, I just don’t fit in with my friend’s activities (e.g. having a guy at a bachelorette party is lame!). Still other times, my offered friendship has left the other person’s spouse feeling threatened and jealous. I’ve even had people tell me outright that married men should not have close female friends. Period.

All of these things do not just affect me; they also affect any potential female friend. While I have to believe that I’m worth it, it is a special lady indeed who is willing to take on such a challenging friendship. In light of that realization, I started to toy with the notion that, if I was going to need a new friend, it might be better (albeit scarier) if that person was male.

Need

It turns out that I did find myself needing new friends. My best friend and teaching partner moved to the other side of the continent (following her husband’s employment) and I had a rather painful falling out with another very good friend at nearly the same time. The full weight of my needs for companionship and camaraderie all of a sudden fell almost exclusively on my wife’s shoulders.

Shasta

Fortunately, in the midst of all of this, I came across Shasta Nelson, friendship expert, via Twitter. While her company and mission, girlfriendcircles.com, wouldn’t be any help to me, her book, “Friendships don’t just happen!” was a timely godsend. So much of the book resonated with me, especially:

  1. Friendships come and go. Shasta references research that shows we are now replacing about half of our friends every seven years. It was reassuring to know that what I was going through was not unusual. It’s hard on the ego to admit you need new friends.
  2. There are different types of friends. For many people, I suppose Shasta’s five Circles of Connectedness are largely self-evident. However, for me, it was life-changing revelation. As someone who had very few friends growing up, I just assumed that the very definition of friend was someone who was a BFF – a “committed friend” per Shasta’s terminology. I distinctly remember times in my life when the phrase “Everybody’s pal, nobody’s friend” hung over me like a black cloud of loneliness and unworthiness. I had never really considered the importance of my “left side” friends on the continuum – how they can be the seeds of deeper friendship and who are no less important to a rich life of connection all on their own.
  3. Friendships don’t just happen. I spent most of my life with the unspoken assumption that people just connected or they didn’t. The book challenged me to look back at the best friendships I had in my life and understand that they were the byproduct of gradual progression. More importantly, it made it clear to me that this progression was something that could be replicated; that I could start with “contact friends” and, given time, consistency and gradually increasing intimacy, there was hope I might be able to move friends from the left side of the friendship continuum to the right.

Enter the Barley Brethren

Retired school principal Phil Ballard started the Barley Brethren to a meet a perceived need; the need for men to have the opportunity to connect in a meaningful way.

Per his early notes, he envisioned the Barley Brethren as a “club of like-minded gentlemen in search of spiritual coherence. Membership in the Double B would involve a commitment to become a connoisseur of quality craft beer and would require the sharing of ‘cicerone’ duties for the weekly gathering. While quaffing their favorite brew, the brothers would discover meaning for their own lives while sharing in each other’s journeys. Meetings would be convened on the “MV Kairos,” a 45 ft. motor yacht.”

While we couldn't come across any group photo-- this is supposedly Phil's hand holding one of the lucky beers.  Ha!

While we couldn’t come across any group photo– this is supposedly Phil’s hand holding one of the lucky beers. Ha!

The concept of bros and booze in a man-cave should’ve sent me running, given my history. However, my desire to establish male friendships and the concepts in Shasta’s book give me a framework for courage.

My BFF had moved (my committed friend would soon become a confirmed friend), so when a respected colleague (a “contact friend” worth investing in) asked if I was interested in joining a group planning to meet weekly (ingredient: consistency) to learn about beer (“common friends”) and discuss life (ingredient: intimacy), what might have looked scary before, I now recognized as the perfect recipe for developing friendship. The fact that founding father Phil was a “confirmed friend” with whom I had lost touch over the years seemed serendipitous.

Note from Shasta: Greg, Gold stars for making the real life application to the concepts!  Love it!

Each week during the school year we meet.

Beer pours at 7:30 sharp. We spend time reviewing the beer, its history, and its characteristics. As a non-drinker, but a life-long learner, it has been fascinating learning the terminology of surrounding craft beer. I also know what sort of beer to bring to a gathering if I am asked.

The rest of the evening is a little less structured. In theory there is a go to study we listen to or read, but just as often as we just talk about what needs to be talked about. We talk, laugh, and yes, even cry about the things that are affecting our lives. Marriage, children, death, illness, work, retirement, faith… we all bring different perspectives and wisdom to what is important in the moment.

The Barley Brethren have been meeting for two years now… at least our first group. Somewhat ironically, the friend who initially invited me became the leader of a second group when the success of the idea and the need to open the concept up to more members became self-evident. (I see this friend outside the group now though.) For the first time in my life, I am hanging out with men on a regular basis. I still have my uncomfortable flashback moments… I’m overly sensitive to teasing about my beer selections, for instance… but I am so thankful for the growing friendships in the group built on vulnerability and sharing that, frankly, I didn’t believe was possible among men.

Apparently friendships don’t just happen. It’s an important concept for guys too.

While “just a group of guys,” for more information, there is a site under construction: http://www.barleybrethren.com, they are on Twitter @barleybrethren, and here’s their un-official theme song that sort of encapsulates the Barley Brethren: Brother, by Need To Breathe.  :)

From Shasta: Bravo guys!  Well done!  May your willingness to engage be contagious! :)

Posted in Consistency, Group Friendships, Guest Blogs, How To?, Importance of Friendship, Mens Friendship | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Friendships Change: Growing More Comfortable with Endings

It hasn’t happened suddenly, but from where I stand now I am noticing how many of my friendships have changed or dissolved in the last year or two.

To be more precise, it’s actually the structure of those friendships that has changed because it’s not that we aren’t friends anymore, as much as it’s about that fact that we aren’t practicing our friendship in the same way anymore.  The container has changed.  What wove us together has unraveled.  The routine has shifted. Schedules have changed.  Life got full of other things. Needs have fluctuated. Our time together looks very different and feels very different.

This isn’t a post about friendship break-ups as much as it is about being aware and honoring that friendships change and shift over time.  I feel that it’s important to put into words because so often women feel guilty, take it personally, or panic if a friendship drifts a bit.

Friendships Change. Frequently.

But the truth is that our friendships have to change; and by definition, when you have a change, it means there is an ending to one thing and the beginning of something new.  And sometimes there is a gap between that ending and that new beginning which can feel like a friendship fatality; and sometimes the new beginning doesn’t feel as satisfying right away so there’s an element of loss and grief that accompanies the change.

Since my book came out a year and half ago, and was written nearly three years ago, it’s amazing to me how much my friendships have changed since then.  I want to own that publicly because I think it’s normal and needs to be part of our conversation.  It’s important, I think, for a “friendship expert” to voice how much friendships can drift and change and fluctuate even when everyone is doing everything “right.”

  • Back then I had Tuesday Night Girls Night which for two years was five of us getting together every week. A little more than a year ago, two of the women no longer felt they could commit to the weekly commitment, (and I do want to say that how they handled that was amazing– voicing their love for us, expressing
    womens hands and hearts

    What started as five women getting together weekly is now three women getting together “monthly.” We love each other ever deeply even if the structure has changed for now… but I miss it.

    honestly their need for evening time for other priorities, and their willingness to still get together even if less frequently) so our remaining group of three went through a process of “do we want to invite new women to join us?” or do we keep soldiering on just the three of us? We opted for the latter due to wanting to keep the intimacy that we had established, but an unforeseen consequence of that choice was that our gatherings were canceled more frequently than not due to the fact that when two people were traveling on the same week we only had one person left instead of three.  The ideal was still weekly, but the reality is that the three of us get together once a month. It took a while for us to admit that and come to peace with it. Ironically, it’s more difficult to schedule something irregularly than it is to plan on something regularly, and we definitely aren’t as aware of what’s going on in each others lives in the same way, but travel has increased in all our lives and once a month is what we can pull off right now.  Still love all four of those women, but our time together has changed, our lives feel like they’ve sped up, and I miss the idea of a weekly get-together, even if I can’t really commit to it.

  • Back then I also hosted “chosen family” dinners on Friday night whenever I was in town.  There were about 7-8 of us who got together pretty frequently, but needs change, and that ritual slowly dissolved. (In part, due to some intentional conversations about the desires from some for more alone time with us rather than group time, and in part due to life just getting busy and us not hosting as regularly.) We still see all those people, but at different times and in different ways.
  • And interestingly, along these lines, my monthly business women’s group that we’ve had going for three years looks like it might be transitioning, possibly, into a quarterly group.  We have that conversation in two weeks as we all talk about what we each need and want going forward into 2015.  With some people having moved away, some people’s commitments changing, and some people not showing up as frequently– the questions needs to be asked:  1) what do we each need? 2) And what is the best way to get those needs met?

During the same time, several other groups have begun and other friendships have created rituals of their own, but in this post I really just want to honor that meaningful friendships have ended in some ways.  Sometimes it’s been precipitated by something obvious: someone moving, or a job that requires more travel, or a life that just gets too full.  Sometimes it’s just someone asking an intentional and thoughtful question like, “Is this still working for everyone?  Meeting everyone’s needs in the best way?” And sometimes the reality of the ending only becomes clear later… after things have already started dissolving a bit, the recognition dawning slowly that somewhere along the line this form for time together isn’t working anymore.

I get weary of feeling like “starting over” and sometimes I wish I could just freeze time and keep us all in the same place forever… I’m tempted to grasp, cling, or beg.  Letting relationships change isn’t easy. I hate people moving away.  I want to hang on to what is meaningful. But life changes and so do people… so endings or perceived endings are part of the process.

Changing the Structure; Not the Love

There isn’t a one of these situations where I don’t still consider these people to be friends of mine.  There was no blow-up, no harm done, no fight, no break-up… just a container that wasn’t working for everyone in the same way anymore. I still love them all.

In a super thought-provoking interview with Esther Perel at Slate.com on why spouses cheat, she makes a powerful statement about marriage that I think is applicable to friendships, too.

Most people today, for the sheer length we live together, have two or three marriages in their adult life, and some of us do it with the same person. For me, this is my fourth marriage with my husband and we have completely reorganized the structure of the relationship, the flavor, the complementarity.

Isn’t that profound? In marriages– who were are together (the roles we take on, the rituals we co-create, the way we interact) looks different at various stages of our lives.  To have to figure out who we are together at different stages in our marriages (i.e. with kids, when he/she becomes the bread-winner, when a new role outside the marriage takes one person in a new direction) becomes easier if we have the expectation ahead of time that we will continually need to be recognizing that some of our marriage structures will end, and new ways of being together will need to be formed.  For most of us it happens without conscious awareness… but how much more powerful to not take it personally when it happens, to see it coming, and to decide together to figure out what works best for each person now as opposed to trying to keep things the same.

The same is true of friendship. When only 1 in 12 friendships will be with people that we will stay in touch with over the course of our lives, and most of us seeing that about half of the people we are close to today are different from those we were close with 7 years ago– there is much that is ending.

But the reality that my stories reveal today is that even with the women we still call friends through various stages of life, how we are together (i.e. how much time we spend together, the frequency of our get-togethers, what we do when we’re together) does shift.  It has to.

Today I just want honor the reality that not only does every friendship not last, but even the ones that do often have to re-invent themselves, many times over.  And reinvention comes with some things ending as other things begin. We will ebb and flow. We will change what we share and how we share.  Our time together will look different.

My love for them doesn’t change; but the container of how we practice our friendship right now may have to look different.

I can’t stop change.  I can only be responsible for how I am going to respond to it.

I, for one, want to keep myself as emotionally healthy as possible so:

  1. I am prone to take less things personally and more courageous to show up knowing what I need;
  2. I can make sure that I am fostering enough friendships in my life so that when some become less frequent or intimate, that others are available for deepening;
  3. And so I can do my very best to show up in every friendship with eyes to see whether there’s a structure that needs to be reorganized. No need to hang on to something that isn’t working for someone within that relationship.  I’d much prefer that we become practiced at journeying through life in different ways, at different times.

For everyone grieving a friendship changing, or clinging with hopes of keeping it from shifting…. I pray for peace for all of us, that we can feel our love even if it comes in different forms.

p.s.  Here’s a prayer I wrote about learning to let go of friendships that may be meaningful to some of you… Open Hands.

Posted in Break Ups, Difficulty & Challenges, Life Stages | Tagged , , , , , , | 10 Comments