Bring Back Pink

Last spring when we launched our “Feminism is a Team Sport” t-shirts, a girlfriend asked me if we had some in men’s sizes and styles.

“With the pink letters and hearts on it?” I asked dubiously.

I wear mine a lot, but I wasn't sold on thinking men would wear it?!?

I wear mine a lot (especially when I travel!), but I wasn’t sold on thinking men would wear it?!?

To which she replied, “Yes!  My husband and son {in college} both want one.”

I wasn’t convinced. That was five months ago.

Last week another woman wrote me and said her husband wanted one and asked me where she could get him one.

I am a strong believer that we need far more men wearing pink… but add the word “feminism” on it with a few hearts and I was doubtful.  But that’s three shirts requested.  My husband then said he’d wear one (Does it get any sexier?!). That’s now 4.  (I need a minimum of 6 shirts to place an order. If you know a man who would consider it an honor to wear pink letters with us, see the link at the end.)

Pink is a weirdly complicated color, not just for guys, but still for girls, too.

The Shame of Pink

In college I refused to wear pink.

It wasn’t some well-thought out campaign, I simply would have said that I just didn’t like the color.  But in hindsight, I didn’t like the color because it was girly and therefore a color that seemed as though it would somehow discredit me from being an ambitious woman.  It seemed to be a color for 4-year old girls who still believed in fairies and for the softer women who wore rose-patterns and flowing dresses–neither of which I identified.

Today I still hear similar sentiments.

I hear my friends tell others: “I swear I didn’t dress her in pink when she was little,” as they watch their daughters twirling and dancing in all things pink, their shoulders drooped as though they failed as mothers to keep their daughter safe from the gender-specific color.

When selling t-shirts at our GirlFriendCircles.com booth at women’s conferences, we still hear “I don’t wear pink… do you have this in another color?” in a tone that feels soaked with a feeling that suggests that far beyond the color is a meaning that still doesn’t sit easily with them.

Interestingly, one place where it seems trendy now is among men. The color is worn mostly by those who are fashion-conscious, for it’s still considered more edgy than norm. But even that trend comes with very tight parameters as to what shades and what articles are okay– a collared pink shirt in a light pink is cool, a hot pink briefcase is not; wearing pink for breast cancer is awesome, decorating his office pink is not.

To Buy It or Not to Buy It?

I used to be a part of the unspoken boycott against pink.  I understand why some are tempted to eschew it.

When I read news stories like that of Barbie: I Can Be a Computer Engineer, whose every

In books like "Barbie: I can be a Computer Engineer" we associate pink with a girl who isn't smart enough to do her job.

In books like “Barbie: I can be a Computer Engineer” we associate pink with a girl who isn’t smart enough to do her job.

page is painted pink and accompanies a hot pink laptop to sell to girls, but whose morale of the story seems to be “Leave the hard engineering to the boys,” I feel the familiar urge to reject all things pink, as if distancing myself from the fear of not being seen as capable, strong, and competent.

When I first watched Ellen DeGeneres (and you really must watch it if you haven’t yet seen it– HILARIOUS!) satirically promote the “new” Bic pens for women in pink and purple

Ellen geniusly pokes fun at why women need their own pens in pink and purple.

Ellen ingeniously pokes fun at why women need their own pens in pink and purple.

colors, I felt mad at myself for having bought those pens, as though I had fallen into their trap. (I love signing my books in those colors!)

When I walk into a sports shop and see the “shrink it and pink it” strategy at play I feel a

I like pink but if we're cheering for our favorite team then why wouldn't we wear our team colors like the guys do?

I like pink but if we’re cheering for our favorite team then why wouldn’t we wear our team colors like the guys do?

little disillusioned because I feel like it comes with a subliminal message that we’re cuter than we are sporty and strong. While I have actually come to like wearing pink, when shirts are specially designed for women in “our” color but not dipped in blue for the men, it feels like it’s assumed that men are the real fans who wear the real colors and we’re just not as serious.

I could go on and on with examples… examples that leave me feeling like I should be resisting this pink-washing.  Pink has been used, at worse, to weaken and shame (i.e.  telling little boys that pink isn’t their color or hazing rookie baseball players by making them wear pink backpacks); but even when it’s not blatantly pejorative, it still seems to perpetuate a delicate, soft, and “light” stereotype.

Why I Wear Pink

I’ve been tempted at times to call off the pink– not wanting to associate myself with the stereotypes.  And yet… I don’t think the answer is to eliminate a color from our world as much as it is to change its meaning.

We are the ones who determine meaning. Pink, in and of itself, doesn’t scream girl.

In fact, Smithsonian.com, in an article about how this trend to associate colors with a gender, cited an industry journal in 1918 as suggesting:

“The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys, and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.”

Furthermore, in a chart printed in 1927 in Time magazine to showcase the correct gender color based upon leading U.S. department stores showed that Filene’s in Boston,  Best & Co. in New York City, Halle’s in Cleveland, and Marshall Field in Chicago, all recommended boys in pink.

So pink on its own surely can’t be girly.  We’ve made it that. And I guess the bigger issue here is why that would be a problem even if it were… why is there shame in being girly?

In college I was still trying to shape my image and it was largely influenced by what others told me colors meant.  Now as an adult, I’m determined to help be an influencer–someone who redefines the color.

I don’t think every woman needs to wear it and I hope that we get more and more color options where it’s needed; but I’d also like to believe that we’ll get more and more women proudly wearing the color: that our kick-ass computer programmers will bravely create code on hot pink laptops, that our star athletes will keep defying what we thought possible of the color, and that strong and ambitious women will produce and achieve all levels of success in any and every shade.

I want my niece and my god-daughter to see that they don’t have to one day outgrow their favorite color. And in an ideal world, where my nephew wouldn’t refuse to eat off a pink plastic plate because “it’s a girl plate.”

My hubby and I photographed both wearing pink at an event... I love that guy.

My hubby and I photographed both wearing pink at an event… I love that guy.

And to that point, perhaps more important than women embracing this color, I hope that more strong men will rise up and join us in pink.  Strong men who know that there is no color in the world that can weaken them, and in fact, that they are stronger when standing with women and modeling to little boys that colors don’t limit anyone.

Pink isn’t an insult, it’s a frickin’ gorgeous color.

And I, for one, will keep wearing it on stages and signing books in it, more often than not.

#BringBackPink.  :)

—————–

MEN’S SHIRTS (VERY LIMITED SUPPLY!)

If you know a guy who will proudly wear this shirt-- we're placing a one-time order.

If you know a guy who will proudly wear this shirt– we’re placing a one-time order.

We currently have 4 brave men who have ordered their shirt.  We need a minimum of 6 pre-orders.  Looking for at least two more!  :)

We’re extending the deadline to after the weekend.  You can order your size here.

 

 

 

 

Posted in Feminism, Mens Friendship | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

The Myth that Keeps You Lonely

You wish you had the kind of girlfriend you could just text a code word to and she’d know exactly how to respond; the friend who would say, “Let’s just hang out this weekend” and you’d want nothing more than uninterrupted time with her; the friend who hears that you’re sick and shows up with a pot of soup; the friend who seemingly never tires of listening to you rant about X (insert whatever or whoever you feel like you’re always worried about!); the friend who includes you in everything; whispers secrets to you that she tells no one else; and the one who just always seems to want to be with you the same amount of time that you want to be with her.

Friendship: What We Want & What We Get

When we’re feeling that little nagging angst of loneliness– it’s for her that we want.  It’s for the fantasy best friend that we know would be the Thelma to our Louise, the fork to our spoon, the laughter to our jokes.  She would be the finisher of our sentences, the reader of our minds, and the affirmer of our hearts.  Our time together would be effortless, easy, safe, and comfortable.

Most of us just ache for her and keep hoping we’ll bump into her one day, doing little-to-nothing to actually seek her out. As if she’s a unicorn we just have to hope we’ll one day spot!

Some of us go one step further and decide to put at least some energy toward the search– we join sites like www.GirlFriendCircles.com, sign up for workshops and classes, and attend the parties of our friends with a willingness to connect with new friends. We go out looking for her; as though we’re casting agents hosting an audition, employers ready to interview for an open position, or headhunters looking for “our types.”

But then, much to our dismay, we discover that the difference between what we want and what we get is vastly huge.

Because what we get in a new friend, 90% of the time, is a stranger that we don’t yet know as a best friend so we don’t yet love her. We get discouraged when she takes three weeks to schedule, skeptical when she seems to have other friends, doubtful when we see that our lives aren’t as similar as we had hoped, and judgmental when we see her choose differently than we would have. She’s not quite as vulnerable as we like, the conversation doesn’t go as deep as we wish, and we’re not laughing quite as much as we think we should be.

We meet a whole bunch of candidates who aren’t quite good enough to fit our BFF opening so we quietly reject them and keep looking, albeit somewhat disillusioned.

The gap between the women we’re meeting and the women we ultimately want as best friends feels far too great to close.

The Myth That Needs Busting: “I’m looking for the right person to be my BFF”

The gap is indeed discouraging between who we want as friends and what we get from the women we’re meeting.

But technically that’s only disappointing if you expected it to be otherwise.

The myth keeping most women lonely is that they think having close friends is a product of discovering the right person; when the truth is that meaningful friendship is actually a product of developing the right friendship.

And that, my GirlFriends, is good news. Because now we can recognize that a gap doesn’t mean she’s not the right one! Rather, a gap reminds us that everyone starts as a new/casual friend and some of them over time (and we won’t know which ones for quite a while!) can develop into the friendships we crave.

The Truth: Friendships Don’t Start With Frientimacy, They Are Developed

Remember my 5 Circles of Connectedness? In this visual we see how all friends have to start on the far left in the Contact Friends Circle and be developed over to the far-right via consistent time together, increased vulnerability, and broader ways of being together.

Shasta's Circles of Connectedness_updated8-31-11-01

For example, let’s use me for a moment.  If you met me today and wanted to be my BFF– you might judge me against your standards of who you want me to be as a “Commitment Friend.”  You could think such things to yourself as: “ugh, she already has her good friends… and she’s so busy… I want someone who could meet up with me tonight if I wanted… and when I see her she just doesn’t open up about her life that much… and I invited her last time and she hasn’t reciprocated yet…besides she’s x (married, without kids, too young– pick the one that doesn’t match your life)” and your brain would be tempted to rule me out.

But here’s the genius:  Basically as long as I’m friendly toward you– then I meet the standards for being your Contact Friend so there’s NO need to rule me out!  :) For I think I’m a pretty decent friend! (Do I have a witness?!  LOL!)

So you wouldn’t want to rule me out because I don’t treat you like a BFF when we’re not!

Your Take-Away:  Lower Your Standards!

In other words, don’t use the standards you’d have for a best friend for a new friend!  For a new friendship: LOWER your standards!

“Lower my standards?” I hear the panic rising in your voice!

Yes, lower your standards.  Release your expectations.  Stop trying to pick and choose so early in the game.  As long as there are no red flags (think abuse, lying, mean spirit) then be open to being surprised by who might develop into a meaningful friend.

Basically, I can let nearly anyone into my Contact Friends Circle.  If you’re not biting me or screaming at me– I accept you!  Welcome to my Circles!

By letting you in, it doesn’t mean that I think we’ll become bosom buddies, necessarily; it just means I recognize that all levels of friendship are important and acknowledges that I don’t always know which women will be the ones I grow closer to.

Open your life to more people (aka: lower your expectations/standards) and let life surprise you with who you end up developing into a deep and meaningful friendship!

Open your life to more people (aka: lower your expectations/standards) and let life surprise you with who you end up developing into a deep and meaningful friendship!

(In fact most of my current Commitment Friends weren’t necessarily the women I liked more than anyone else I knew at the time… they are merely the ones where the relationship continued to develop, for various reasons.)

From that Circle, some women I’ll run into automatically (at school, work, PTA, association gatherings) and we’ll eventually make the jump to Common Friends as we grow our friendship.  For others, I may need to initiate some time together so we can keep seeing where our friendship progresses.

The truth is that if you and I barely know each other, then you shouldn’t be trying to figure out whether I could be your Commitment Friend as much as you should be excited that we’re now Contact Friends.  And as Contact Friends– everything I named above as reasons you might rule me out are actually appropriate and healthy actions for that beginning level of friendship.  I really shouldn’t be expected to be opening up deeply with you yet, dropping everything for you, or feeling pressure to invite you out in order to keep our friendship “equal.”  You can’t judge me or guess what I’ll be like as a Committed Friend by how I treat you as a Contact Friend.  Does that make sense?  Because the truth is that I, appropriately, give different levels of myself to people based on the friendship that has been developed.

Friendship is NOT how much we think we like each other; it’s how much of a pattern two people have in practicing the positive behaviors of friendship.

Your job right now is to lower your standards: let friendly people into your life and make time for them without ruling them out because they don’t match the fantasy you have for what an eventual best friend might look like.

So stop auditioning women for the starring role of your BFF and start saying yes to people who are friendly and see where it goes.

For in the world of friendship… horses can become unicorns.  :)

I welcome your questions, concerns, and feedback!  Was this helpful?  Did I confuse you more?  Can’t wait to hear from you!

Posted in Best Friends, Circles of Connectedness, Making Friends, Types of Friends | Tagged , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Choose Friends. Make Time. Repeat.

We’ve all heard the stories of people on their death-beds saying things like, “I wish I had made more time for my family and friends,” or “I wish I had played more, not taken it all so seriously.”  We pass around inspirational blog posts on Facebook of experienced mothers saying things such as, “I wish I had worried far less about keeping the house clean and far more about playing,” and from the wise women who reach the maturity to be able to say, “I wish I had eaten more ice cream with friends instead of forever trying to lose those stubborn 5 lbs. What a waste of energy my entire life!”

We hear the wisdom.  And we resonate.  We know deep down that it is truth.  But knowing 1468613_10151969864577435_82284094_nsomething and having it change the way we live our lives are two very different things.

It’s past time, my GirlFriends, that we choose friendship even when it feels inconvenient, expensive, and time-consuming.  Even when we think we prefer sitting on the couch.  Even when we think we don’t have the money to visit her.  Even when we think we don’t have the time to call.

It’s time to choose friendship in higher doses.  It’s the medicine our bodies and souls are dying without.  It’s the cure to that which ails us.  It’s the love that will remind us how connected and supported we are.  It’s the peace that comes with knowing we are not alone.  It’s the safety net that will protect us when the storms come… and they always do.

What Could Choosing Friendship Look Like?

Choosing friendship means not missing the weddings, the birthdays, the big moments. We do whatever we can to be there even if it means buying a cheaper used car, forgoing a shopping trip, or putting off the new dishwasher.

Choosing friendship means we get on a plane and go see her.  Just because you miss her.  Even if the plane ticket goes on the credit card. We put far less important things on there and the investment is well worth it.

Choosing friendship means we tell our spouses, our kids, and our bosses that our annual girls weekend away is a non-negotiable.  We are going.  Every year. We don’t ask if we can afford it this year, have the time, or if it’s convenient on everyone else– we say yes and figure it out. That’s how we roll; that’s what we do.

Choosing friendship means saying yes to a spontaneous invitation.  Or better yet, being the one to give a spontaneous invitation! I made a pot of soup– can you come over tonight?

Choosing friendship means not allowing “tired” to be an excuse (the only exception is if you really will sleep during that exact time!) as whatever else we go home and do instead won’t make us less tired, but it will make us less connected.

Choosing friendship means buying a random card at the grocery store, writing a few lines of love, and mailing it out to someone who pops into your heart. $4 and 10 minutes is always worth it.  Always.

Choosing friendship means initiating with new friends.  Even when the time together isn’t yet as easy, meaningful and intimate as you would like it to be.  You initiate in faith that some of them will one day be your best friends. Much like we work out not because we see the difference in each work-out, but because we know we will over the long run.

Choosing friendship means telling your kids, “Just like you played with your friends today, it’s time for mommy to go play with hers” even when they beg for you to stay home.  (And the more regular you are with going out, the easier it will be on everyone else!)

Choosing friendship means not letting your pouting lover dissuade you from going out… but saying, “I can’t wait to come home… but I know if I want meaningful friendships that they require time together.  Thank you for supporting that!” And then kiss him/her on the mouth so hard that they recall just how much you love them… and then walk away for a few hours with women who will love you in different ways.

Choosing friendship means saying yes to more sleep-overs, more weekends away, more dinners around your table with friends, more evenings out, and more hours spent in conversation.

Choosing Friendship From a Place of Love and Hope

Yes we need boundaries,

yes we need to listen to our bodies,

yes we need to say no more often to some things,

yes we need to take our temperaments into consideration,

yes we are busy,

yes we don’t want to rack up credit card bills,

yes we have more meaningful relationships to consider besides our friends…

yes, there are always ifs, and’s, & but’s….  

This isn’t a post about draining yourself more and giving more when it feels yucky… no, this is a post about saying yes to people who have the highest likelihood of loving you in meaningful ways.

This is a post that reminds us that if we want to feel known, then we want to say yes to more conversation.  That if we want to feel supported, then we want to say yes to more vulnerability. That if we want to feel joy, then we want to say yes to more moments that make memories.  That if we want to feel connected, then we must fly, call, and talk more.  That if we want good friendships then we will want to invest whatever we can today knowing it will come back to us in fabulous ways.

It is all so very easy to get used to the routine, the slow drain on our lives, the ongoing stress of our finances, the burden of everyone needing more of us… but that is not the way we choose to live.  We want more.  WAY more love and laughter and connection and joy.  Way more!

And you, and only you, can choose to say, “I will not let a year pass without us getting together.  I will not let this week pass without meeting a friend after work.  I will not let this evening pass without calling a friend and telling her that I miss her.”

We do it not from guilt, but from love.  From the whisper of our future self saying to us now, “You won’t regret having more love and connection in your life.  Do it.  Say yes.”  We do it because we know this is what we value and how we want to structure our lives.

We will probably feel busy, tired, and broke whether we reach out or not… at least if we don’t use those as excuses to not then we will at least have the friendships in our lives that energize us and protect us from the effects of the stress!

Choose Friends.  Make Time. Repeat.

Always in love,

Shasta

Leave a comment:  what excuse do you most consistently use to not spend more time with friends?  What would it take to not see that excuse as a limitation or justified reason to not pursue more love? Are you willing to consider that you might feel that way no matter whether you do or don’t spend more time with friends but that one option might leave you with more love and joy, too?

 

Posted in Consistency, Girls Night, Happiness, Maintaining Friends | 13 Comments

Time to Plan an Adult Sleep-Over with Friends!

The power of sleep-overs is something we don’t think much about as adults, or do all that frequently.  But we should.  There are still few experiences that can accelerate our intimacy and deepen our hearts as having un-rushed time together that includes talking until ready for bed and waking up in the same place together.

Visiting Friends

Traveling to New York City– a trip I seem to make at least twice a year– has become so much more fun since one of my girlfriends from San Francisco moved there a couple of years back.  I see her far less frequently now that we’re not getting together once a month for dinner on the west coast, but the time we spend together living in the same place for a few days in NYC is bonding us in ways that few of my friendships get to experience.

When I was back there two weeks ago I couldn’t help but observe just how much intimacy these sleep-overs have added to our relationship: making coffee together in our pajamas in the mornings, debriefing our days with each other in the evening, making plans for dinner with her hubby and her cousin on Saturday night, being at home with her when her new dining room table arrived, and getting a feel for their rhythm and schedule.

A few days together did for our relationship what would have taken years of dinners and phone calls to get to.  There’s something so magical about staying up late talking, spending time in someone else’s life and home, and having a few days together to get past all the updates and still have time to just talk about other things.

Planning Friendship Get-Aways

I experience this same magic every spring during my annual girlfriend weekend with four of my friends who are committed to us meeting up somewhere every year.

This is my dream-- not having to shower to meet up but simply waking up together and all walking to a coffee shop to start our day together.

This is my dream– not having to shower to meet up but simply waking up together and all walking to a coffee shop to start our day together.

Although in this case we’re not typically staying in each others homes, which means we miss out on seeing each other in normal day-to-day life a bit more, the upside is that we’re all stepping out of our lives and making the weekend together entirely about talking and connecting which deepens our relationships in ways that a hundred phone calls couldn’t compete with.  It’s a bit more like a slumber party in all the best ways.  (And since all these women are mothers of young children, it’s even more amazing to me that they all commit to step away for a weekend every single year!)

We don’t necessarily do each others hair like we might do if we were teenagers and we don’t make movies and boys the focus of our time together anymore, but we still laugh, get silly, tell secrets, and fill each other up with love.

Local Slumber Parties

For many, I find that slumber parties and sleep-overs seem to happen primarily with only one circle of friendships:  the confirmed circle, the friends we used to be close to but no longer live nearby.  Like my two previous examples it’s either because she lives where I’m visiting or because we’ve all planned to meet up somewhere together, but these aren’t friends who live in San Francisco.

But one thing I’ve really been enjoying lately is thinking more about sleep-overs with people who live nearby.

When we were kids it was exactly those people– our closest friends, even if they just lived next door to us– that we’d beg to have stay the night with us. It was rarely because they needed to spend the night, but more because we wanted extra time with each other.

One of the coolest nights happened earlier this year when one of my husbands best friends invited us to come spend the night at their home only 30 minutes away.

No scheduled dinner in the world can bond friends together the way bathrobes and pajamas tend to do. :)

We typically just drive home after dinner, but they begged us to bring our pajamas and spend the night, and even though we had to leave in the morning right after breakfast, I assure you that the time together was several times more bonding than had we left the night before.

I also experience this magic every time my step-daughter asks us if she can spend the night with us when her husband occasionally leaves town.  We’re lucky that they’re local and we get to see them regularly, but it’s an extra treat when she comes and stays the night with us– the slower conversations, the watching of TV together, the embracing of her into our daily routine is fun in a way that just having them over for dinner cannot replicate.

Whether it’s spending the night in normal life or leaving normal life to spend the night with each other– they are both bonding in ways that can’t easily be duplicated by regular get-togethers.  All the 2-4 hour scheduled dinners in the world can’t replicate the experience of unrushed time and casual lounging around that sleep-overs afford.

(A few adult slumber party resources for you from other bloggers if you’re up for planning a really intentional one:  5 reasons to host a slumber party, ideas for hosting, and fun ideas on pinterest)

Your Invitation

I challenge you to think of someone in your life who you might consider initiating a sleep-over!

  • Maybe it’s someone who lives far away and you just want to call and say “Hey, either I should come to you or you should come to me– but let’s get a weekend on the calendar!”
  • Or maybe, it’s two to three local friends who have all been getting to know each other better and you’re ready to help deepen the bond by saying, “Hey maybe we should all try to find a weekend where we can have a sleepover together, like when we were kids!”
  • Or maybe, it’s just skipping the hotel on one of your trips to see if a friend is up for hosting you, or calling a friend you know who travels near you and saying, “Hey next time you’re in town, you are so welcome to my place! I know it’s not as comfy as a hotel, but it might be more fun!”

We talked about vulnerability in a recent blog and this is an example of the “practicing new ways of spending time together” option.  It will feel a little awkward and it will require a little initiation… but trust me, when it comes to making you feel closer to someone, there are few experiences that can deepen your friendship than the gift of a night under the same roof!

LEAVE COMMENTS: Do you have friends spend the night? Share with us your ideas, how it helps your friendships, etc.! Never done a slumber party?  What’s holding you back? Did this inspire you?  Will you accept my invitation/challenge?  :)

xoxo,

Shasta

p.s.  Come to an already planned slumber party!  :) We are guaranteeing spots to everyone who registers by Nov. 1 for the New Years Retreat that I’m hosting in Northern California this January 2-4, 2015.  This weekend away might be a perfect excuse to call a friend and see if she wants to join you for a slumber party!  You can read all about the retreat by requesting the invitation here.  We already have women in their 20’s and 60’s signed up to be there– so all ages are welcome!  It’s going to be a super special weekend of celebrating/honoring the past year while preparing for the upcoming year with excitement and anticipation!

Reveal 2015

Comfy lodging, healthy and nourishing food, walks in beautiful nature, jacuzzi under the stars, retreat activities led by me, new friends, tons of laughter, and lots of time to hear your own heart whisper– if that’s your cup of tea, I so hope you do whatever you can to be with us!

NOTE: The retreat was initially designed for two friends to come together, but due to several requests, we’re also opening it up for women to come alone and we’ll match you up with other women who are coming alone so that you can all meet, share, and have someone witness your journey when appropriate!  So come as a pair of friends, or come and meet new friends– but if you value reflection, listening to your own heart, connecting with other women, and rejuvenating your spirit– then know that you are welcome at our slumber party!  RSVP by Nov. 1!

 

 

 

Posted in Events, Girls Night, Maintaining Friends, Practical Ideas, Travel & Friends | Tagged , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Expectation Hangovers in Friendships

When I saw that my friend Christine Hassler was celebrating the launch of her new book with a book party in NYC when I happened to be in town for another event, I quickly signed up to be there, one more woman celebrating the completion of such a huge goal in her life.

While I went to support her and cheer her on, it hit me as I was sitting there listening to her workshop on dealing with disappointment that I actually need her book!  Ha! I left there excited to read Expectation Hangover: Overcoming Disappointment in Work, Love, and Life.

Huge congrats to Christine Hassler on the release of her newest book:  Expectation Hangover!

Huge congrats to Christine Hassler on the release of her newest book: Expectation Hangover!

This season of my life feels full of unmet expectations, unattainable hopes, and discouraging responses. I try to cheer myself up with thoughts like “Now Shasta, you know grief and and crisis and this is no where close to that,” and  “Seriously, your life is good, stop feeling discouraged. Focus on all that you have!” Sometimes those little talks give me the perspective I need, but often they just leave me feeling guilty that I even felt bad to begin with. The truth is that with many unmet expectations comes a bit of loss, which naturally leads to sadness.

And it got me to thinking about how often we have expectation hangovers in our friendships, too.

Unmet Expectations in Friendship

I know I’ve felt them before, and I’ve heard from many of you that you, too, know the feeling of wanting those friendships to be easier, faster, or more meaningful.

  • After a great time together, you hope she’ll reach out and she doesn’t.
  • You wrote her an email and she didn’t write back.
  • You went to a ConnectingCircle hoping to make new friends and there was no one you really clicked with.
  • You’ve known her for months now, but it never feels like your friendship is progressing deeper.
  • She said something that felt judgmental when you really just hoped for an evening where you felt supported.
  • You leave a dinner party and think it was a waste to go since there was no deep conversation that happened.
  • You hang out with a friend but she doesn’t ask you about your life.
  • You were moving and hoped your friend would offer to help pack boxes but she was too busy to notice.
  • You keep trying to be friendly to everyone you meet but never quite feel like you’re making real friends.

You know the feeling.  Sometimes we don’t even think we have “high expectations” but in the aftermath of an experience, we feel weary, depressed, and more discouraged than if we hadn’t even tried.

Transform the Hangovers

Far be it from me to try to teach in a blog post what took Christine an entire book to teach (she does a fabulous job of helping readers not just want to “get-over” these disappointments but to transform their lives through processing them on a spiritual, emotional, mental, and behavioral level) but I asked her if I could at least share an excerpt from her book with you that might be of value in your friendships:

Excerpt from Christine: Don’t Go to a Chinese Restaurant Looking for Nachos! 

“If you were craving nachos, would you go to a Chinese restaurant? No! Because you know that in a Chinese restaurant, they don’t serve nachos. In fact, they probably wouldn’t even have the ingredients to make them. If you really wanted nachos, you would go somewhere where they serve them, right?

Most of the time, we know what we are craving when we reach out to someone else. If someone in your life has consistently reacted and responded in a way that has not satisfied your needs, chances are they do not have the ingredients to do so. Continuing to go to that person, hoping that someday what you are hungry for appears on their menu, is like continuing to walk into a Chinese restaurant when you want nachos. You may get fed, but not with what you truly wanted to eat. And now the only leftover you have is an Expectation Hangover.

We cannot change people. I repeat: we cannot change people. This can be especially challenging when you really want a significant person in your life, such as a parent or romantic partner, or best friend to be able to satisfy your cravings. However, sometimes they just don’t have the ingredients to do so. Other people are not wrong if they don’t live up to your expectations; they are who they are. Accept what they do have to offer you.

Think of some of your common “cravings” that involve being supported by others: someone to just listen; an objective resource for feedback; someone to laugh with; someone you feel safe to be vulnerable with; a person who will offer time and physical assistance when you need help with a move or project; or someone who is encouraging. Now consider which people you go to for those things but who you come away from with an Expectation Hangover. Make a commitment to yourself that you will stop going to them when you have a craving for something they cannot dish out. Love and accept them for who they are; they are doing the best they can. Consider the people who do match up with some of your cravings — there may be a lot of cooks in your kitchen that you might not have been aware of because you were hanging on to expectations of others. Being conscious and proactive regarding our expectations of others is how we get desires and needs met in healthy and expectation-free ways.

It is true that we can be catalysts for another person’s change, but in most cases in order to be that catalyst, we have to be totally unattached to being it. Working and endlessly hoping to change someone else will not only lead to an Expectation Hangover, but it will also distract you from doing your own work. Often it is detachment, acceptance, and honoring our own truth that inspire others to find the truth within themselves.

Now think about who you go to when you are craving support, encouragement, guidance, unbiased advice, loving feedback, or acknowledgment. Do you go to people who are consistently able to dish out what you are hungry for? Or do you find yourself going to people who do not have what you need on their menu and then find yourself consistently discouraged and disappointed?”

I believe entirely that many more friendships could be fulfilling if we saw them for who they are, rather than wishing they would be someone different.  May you love your friendships for what they are, while continuing to be on the hunt for the “restaurant” that serves the best nachos in town!

xoxo,

Shasta

p.s.  Christine is still traveling to LA, Chicago, Austin and Dallas for the rest of her book tour. Use the code CHRISTINEFRIEND to save $10! You get a whole 2-hour workshop– super good!

p.s.s. I LOVED all the interaction on the post last week!  Makes me happy to connect with you.  Share with us an expectation hangover you’re going through, or what’s helped you transform disappointment into learning– and I’ll come comment as much as I can! xoxo

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