Hands & Hearts: Women in Nicaragua

I’m actually in Greece with 10 women this week on a TravelCircle trip.  But before I left, I scheduled this post from the group of women that just returned a few weeks ago from Nicaragua.  Pulled together by Michelle Scott, one of our TravelCircles ambassadors for GirlFriendCircles trips around the world (she’s also leading the one to Chile & Argentina this November!) she asked her fellow travelers to also contribute to the story. This group of 4 women was significantly smaller than most of our trips (which typically average between 8-12 women), but they proved that all it takes to have a good time are amazing women, an amazing country, and an amazing itinerary!  :)  Welcome home, GirlFriends!

Hands and Heart – Manos y Corazón

Four ladies chose to travel through Nicaragua on a GirlfriendCircles’ eco-adventure. None could have predicted how they would bond, how much they’d enjoy traveling together, or how inspired they would by the beauty of the country and people.

Chance, Wren, Erin, and Michelle travel Nicaragua together, coming home as friends.

Chance, Wren, Erin, and Michelle travel Nicaragua together, coming home as friends.

 

Chance: I met Wren through Girlfriend Circles a couple of years ago, and she encouraged me to travel with her to Nicaragua. Though I have traveled extensively, no trip has changed and inspired me like this trip. As we flew into Nicaragua, the clouds parted to reveal a vast lake (Managua Lake) and its many volcanoes; it was breathtaking and a perfect welcome to this enchanting country.

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Girlfriends, Don Alfredo, and Jerry under the canopy.

Soon, we were lunching with a famous Nicaraguan feminist leader and learning about the women’s rights’ movement and its interplay with the revolution – over fresh tortillas and gallopinto (red beans and rice).

Some of my favorite experiences were visiting an active volcano, a powerful waterfall, and touring two farms. We cooked nacatamales and tortillas over a wood stove in Doña Elsa’s open kitchen, toured the coffee, bean and rice farm, and received a hands-on botanical medicine tour.

The people of Nicaragua were the highlight. Our local guide, Nohelia, told us that Nicaragua is built (and rebuilt) with “manos y corazón” – hands and heart – and I witnessed this.

The four women who bonded through travel-- hearts and hands!

The four women who bonded through travel– hearts and hands! (Stones we found at the waterfall.)

People work toward betterment for their communities and country, with pride, humility, and a focus of purpose that is tender and passionate. Nohelia is one of the best examples of this. As a young woman driven to improve her community, she saw the illiteracy in her neighborhood, designed and launched a radio show to teach literacy – a program that continues to graduate a class every three months and has made her a sort of local celebrity.

So, how was I changed through this trip? I took an open heart to Nicaragua, and throughout our journey, it was filled with love, inspiration and care. I hope I left love and respect there, and a deep caring for the people and places I saw, along with some deep friendships – with both my fellow travelers and citizens of this amazing country.

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Amazing day with our Mil Flores (Thousand Flowers) farm family.

Wren: I wear a black rubber bracelet, which states “No a la trata de personas” – No to trading people. I received the bracelet from Casa Alianza, an organization that provides food, shelter and essential services to homeless, trafficked and exploited youth. As a former teacher, children hold a special place in my heart. I wear this bracelet to remind me of where I’ve been and the people I’ve met. Nicaragua’s people and landscape hold such beauty, simplicity and friendliness that one cannot help but fall in love and promise to return.

Michelle: There are few places and people that sneak into your heart and forever change you. I went to Nicaragua to be re-charged and inspired and received that and so much more. Chance, Wren, Nohelia and Erin will be my lifetime friends. We are bonded through our experiences, our love for each other and the people of Nicaragua, and a fundraising project with Grupo MOES, an organization committed to respectful empowerment of women, affected by poverty, violence and exploitation.

Erin: Prior to this trip, I was asked, “Why go to Nicaragua?” My photos partially answer this question – trotting horses through a Nicaraguan jungle, while monkeys swung overhead, standing next to a smoking volcanic crater, and hiking behind a waterfall.

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Doña Elsa preparing the masa for our nacatamales cooking lesson.

A few of the amazing moments included careening through a mountain town with my new girlfriends and a Bolivian man, who owns a waterfall and cemetery (neither of which I knew were things one could own), leaning over the edge of a boat and dipping my fingers into the world’s only freshwater lake with bull sharks, and hiking steep uphill climbs to meet an 85-year old artist, known as the hermit stone carver, who guided us through the jungle to his carvings, reciting poetry and picking mangos for us along the way.

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Cascada Blanca – even a downpour could not deter us from a hike into the cave and a swim in the falls.

But the true answer to “Why [I needed] Nicaragua?” has more to do the spirit of the people we encountered than the adventures and excursions. I went to Nicaragua to learn that inspiring and world-changing people see a problem and work towards a solution. They teach literacy over the radio. They build a home and school for young survivors of abuse. They begin a sewing cooperative with women constructing the building from the ground up, where each worker is a co-owner. They realize that handpicking coffee beans allows them to organically remove bugs and guarantee high quality.

I went to Nicaragua because I needed to be reminded that you don’t have to live in a tropical paradise to live a beautiful, fulfilling life. All you have to do is work with your hands and heart towards resolving a problem that matters to you.

 

All women over the age of 21 are invited to join any of our TravelCircle groups where women travel together to connect with one another and to go experience together the life and voice of women in their destination country.  Every trip has so many special elements in it including a local female guide, visits to NGO’s to learn about the issues facing women in that country, cooking/dance/art classes, and a GFC ambassador to help foster connection among your group. 

Trips by women, for women, about women.  :) 

More info: www.WomensTravelCircles.com

Posted in GFC Member Stories, Guest Blogs, Travel & Friends | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Test that 70% of Us Are Failing

Researchers are scratching their heads trying to figure out why it’s so rare to have women talking to each other about something other than men.

The Bechdel Test for Movies

If you watched Miss Representation several years ago or have read articles that have talked about how few movies have strong women characters that aren’t completely focused on a male, then you’re familiar with the Bechdel Test.

The Bechdel Test requires that a movie must meet minimum standards to get receive a passing grade.  Those minimum standards include that the movie dialogue must show 1) two women talking to each other 2) about something other than a man.  Some add the requirement that both women actually have to have a name (and not just be “girl behind the counter”) or that the conversation has to last at least 60 seconds long.

Even this Barbie movie passed the test since the many named characters all talk to each other about a variety of topics including going to the palace, Lumina's magic, Lumina's job as a hairdresser, etc. If Barbie can pass the feminism test then surely more than 30% of us can do this?  :)

Even this Barbie movie passed the test since the many named characters all talk to each other about a variety of topics including going to the palace, Lumina’s magic, Lumina’s job as a hairdresser, etc. If Barbie can pass the feminism test then surely more than 30% of us can do this? :)

On paper these standards don’t seem entirely too lofty to me.   But apparently only about half of the movies end up passing the grade, with the minimum of requirements.

The irony is that we get our panties all twisted every year during Award season as we realize how few of the big movies actually show women talking to each other or not having the entire dialogue revolve around the men in the story, and yet our own lives are showing even worse results!

The Bechdel Test in Our Lives

When asked if they had at least two female friends who they talk to about something besides men, Yale researchers found that only 30 percent of women are able to say yes.

Among those under 35, their favorite theme for discussion is “boys” and for those over the age of 35, the answer shifts only slightly to “spouses.”

We are relational creatures, and our romantic relationships are certainly some of the most defining ones in our lives, but really?!?

When we could be talking about things such as our personal growth, news stories that impact us, our changing relationships to our parents, how our identities keep shifting, our insecurities at work, our dreams about what we want to contribute to this world, the projects that light us up, the hobbies that energize us,  the unjust behaviors happening to women around the world, or the ideas that stimulate our brains.  There is so much in this world to talk about in addition to romance.  The world needs us talking about so very many other things.

Intentionally Expanding our Female Relationships

This is, at least, a two-prong issue.

The first is that we have to have more than two women we talk with for more than 60 seconds at a time.  Research is revealing several things that could certainly make time among women more rare: some women who don’t confide in anyone other than their guy, some are wary of female friendships, claiming to be more of a “girl who gets along better with guys,” some simply have tons of acquaintances but no one they really have deep conversations with, and some are willing to have these conversations but just don’t know anyone to confide in.

Clearly, for many, the need is simply establishing more female friendships so that if our lives were being filmed for a movie– there would be many scenes filled with us having substantial conversations with other women.

The second issue though is that for those of us who do have many female friendships– we need to practice expanding what we talk about!  We need to practice being together sharing way more about our lives than simply how we feel about how one person in the world feels about us at any given moment.

In short we need more meaningful friendships with other women– relationships that feel safe and healthy because they are built on us sharing about ourselves in a wide variety of ways.  Relationships that support our romantic interests, but that also support all the other sides of us, too!

—————–

Starting NEXT week!  “The Friendships You’ve Always Wanted! Learning a Better Way to Meet-Up, Build-Up, and Break-Up with Your Friends!”

Here I am with the wealth of books I selected to feature in this month's "The Friendships You've Always Wanted!" friendship course!

Here I am with the wealth of books I selected to feature in this month’s “The Friendships You’ve Always Wanted!” friendship course!

I really hope you’ll consider joining us this September– International Women’s Friendship Month–where we will all make a commitment for one month to focus on increasing the frientimacy (friendship intimacy with other women) in our lives!

With our workbook and lots of inspiring interviews– we will find ways to 1) make more female friends and 2) do so in such a way that they are much deeper than any one topic!  :)

www.FriendshipsWanted.com

Posted in Best Friends, Books & Movies, Difficulty & Challenges | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Not Enough Time for Friends? Awesome Examples of Structuring Life Around Relationships

When I ask women what one thing they wish they could change about their friendships– the number one answer is along the lines of wishing their friends made more time for them.

We’re weary by how we have to schedule each other 3-weeks out, initiate a dozen emails back-and-forth, and wonder if we’re a priority to the other person.

We live in a time-crunched culture where everyone believes that time is scarce and many a friendship is falling victim to a lack of time together.  We aren’t just sitting on front porches, sipping iced tea late into the evening, talking about life, and watching our kids play in the quiet tree-lined streets together.

So in a world where many women are putting relationships on the back-burner, I want to hold up three of my friends who are making amazing decisions to structure their lives around their friends. May they inspire all of us to not just do what is easy, but to do what is important to us.

Willing to Schedule Time FOR Friendship

My girlfriend, Sherilyn, and I try to talk on the phone at least once a week, often for up to an hour at a time. That is impressive considering I do it in the middle of my work day, between writing, giving interviews, and running my company; and that she’s doing it with

Sherilyn and me together earlier this summer in Seattle on one of her get-away's with friends. xoxo

Here’s a shot of me and Sherilyn together earlier this summer in Seattle on one of her get-away’s with friends.

three kids running around and begging for attention.  But we set aside the time, knowing that if we want to feel close to each other and really know what’s going on in each others hearts that it’s easier to do that on a regular basis than an irregular basis.

But last week she upped the ante and impressed me even more in proving just how important friendships are to her.

She’s been gone this summer a bit more than normal, including at least two trips to spend time with friends, so when the husband of one of her close friends called to see if she could fly out for his wife’s birthday over Labor Day weekend, she was tempted to say no.  And none of us would have faulted her: her husband has gone above and beyond this summer watching the kids so she could take off at various times, her kids start school the day after she would get back so she’ll miss much of the school prep, and her schedule is nuts between now and then.  Had she said no, we would have supported her for not over-extending herself.

But she and her husband have a habit of separately thinking and praying about something for a period of time before making a big decision so they decided to convene in 24 hours to decide.  Both of them showed up in that conversation on the same page, with her husband articulating, “Life is about relationships… if there is anything we should be structuring our life around it is for this. Go be with your friends.”

Wow.  So he’s watching the kids one more weekend, and she’s practicing not feeling guilty, trusting that she’s making time for what they feel matters the most in life.  Most of us would have simply said no because we’re busy and tired without even stopping to think about whether it supports our values or not.

Willing to Commit Finances FOR Friendship

Another one of my friends, Ayesha, announced two years ago to a monthly group of us that gets together to support each other, that her husband was taking a job in New York City.  But because her friendship meant so much to us she said she was going to keep flying out once a month to spend that evening with us.

Here I am with Ms. Ayesha in CA where I am so grateful that she still comes back frequently to be with her friends.

Here I am with Ms. Ayesha in CA where I am so grateful that she still comes back frequently to be with her friends.

Buying a place in New York City isn’t cheap and as they’ve been trying to get more established in their new city it would have made sense to say “this monthly expense of flying back-and-forth is too costly.”  Indeed it has a pretty expensive price tag on it.

But she knows that if these are friendships that are important to her to maintain face-to-face then she will have to invest in them.

We can’t all afford to do that, but what she’s showcasing is amazing.  What she invites us to look at in our own budgets is how sometimes it costs us something to maintain the friendship; and that a price tag isn’t bad if you’re getting meaningful connection on the other side of it.

Willing to Move FOR Friendship

When one of my best friends, Daneen, texted me in June to let me know that she and her husband were thinking about moving away from San Francisco, my heart just fell.  We all know how hard it can feel to finally develop meaningful friendships so the idea of losing a little bit of that time together was tough to swallow.

And yet… I was so immensely proud of her because her reason for moving was to go back to a community where she feels like she belongs.  She and her husband met in college in this community, where his family lives and where they still have many friends.

A few days ago, Daneen, (in the middle) drove over an hour from her her new home to come into the City to spend an evening with me and Vania!

A few days ago, Daneen, (in the middle) drove over an hour from her her new home in the small town to come into the City to spend an evening with me and Vania!

Since having a child, San Francisco has felt like a hard place to have community that both includes children and spirituality.  (Her story in her words.) While there is much they love here, they are moving away to a place where they hope to have more families over for dinner and more engagement in a church community. It’s a small community so they’re likely to run into people they know at the grocery store and can walk down the street to connect with neighbors.

In a world where people move frequently for jobs, more money, or for love–leaving friendships to chance; (Here’s an article I wrote for Huffington Post called 5 Things to Consider Before Moving Away From Friends) I find it amazingly inspiring to move for friendships, and trusting that they can find the other pieces.  All too often we leave a place, walking away from friendships, forgetting that it will take years before we can build those up again. And while she’s moving away from me and a few others; she’s leaning into a place where her life will be far more established around the community she craves. She is willing to plant herself where she believes her opportunities for meaningful friendship will increase.

What Am I Willing to Invest?

I hesitate to tell the stories because I don’t want anyone feeling any guilt, whatsoever; but I choose to tell them because I think there’s an inspirational element to them, also.

We are so often modeled by others that friendships come-and-go, that they are the first thing to let go of when life gets busy, or that they are only important when it’s convenient.  So I think it’s important for us to hear stories of what other women are doing, what they’re willing to invest, what they’re willing to do to maintain their friendships.  It’s important for us to know that it’s not crazy to make choices in favor of friendship. It invites us to ponder, “Maybe I do have one evening a week to go out with friends” or “Maybe I could commit to one hour a week to talk to one of my best friends.”

Time isn’t necessarily scarce; we just have to prioritize what we believe is worth structuring our lives around during the time that we do have.

————————–

Starting in 3 weeks!  “The Friendships You’ve Always Wanted! Learning a Better Way to Meet-Up, Build-Up, and Break-Up with Your Friends!”*

Friendships Wanted banner-01One way to practice committing more time to our friendships is to choose friendship as your priority this September for International Women’s Friendship Month!

Here I am with the wealth of books I selected to feature in this month's "The Friendships You've Always Wanted!" friendship course!

Here I am with the wealth of books I selected to feature in this month’s “The Friendships You’ve Always Wanted!” friendship course!

I really hope you’ll consider joining us for this 21-day class filled with up to 13 expert interviews where we will all make a commitment for one month to focus on increasing the frientimacy (friendship intimacy with other women) in our lives!

With our workbook and lots of inspiring interviews– we will find ways to 1) make more female friends and 2) do so in such a way that we are structuring our lives around them in a way that feels good to us!  :)

www.FriendshipsWanted.com

* Sign up early and we’ll send you a free copy of my book “Friendships Don’t Just Happen!”

Posted in Circles of Connectedness, Consistency, How To?, Importance of Friendship, Maintaining Friends | Tagged , , , , , , | 9 Comments

The Power of Witnessing Each Other

Yesterday I just sat and listened to her talk about me even though my impulse was to interrupt.

I Panicked.

If you’re keeping track, not that I expect you to, but if you were, then you’d notice that it’s been two weeks since I’ve posted a blog. That’s partly due to the fact that I am working on my book proposal for my next book so my writing time has been directed toward that consuming endeavor.

And for those of you who haven’t written one before, it’s basically a 60 page document about my book idea that my agent will use to sell the book. In it I have to outline all my chapters, put together my promotional plan, write two sample chapters, and try to convince whoever is reading it that I’m worth their risk. Once it sells, then I’ll write it. And if all goes well, the book will be available in like 2 years! Crazy process, huh?

But it’s been really rewarding to outline my idea and give it life. To see my message being given words is exciting!

Until two nights ago.  Then it wasn’t so much fun anymore.  Just when I thought I was 80% done, I wondered if I needed to start over. :(

The creative process, being what it is, made me start questioning the whole enchilada!  Who’s going to read this, anyway? I mean, really.. who specifically is going to be drawn to this book?  What ache is going to cause them to walk into a bookstore and buy this book? What are they feeling–when they open my book to the first page–that I need to be able to articulate? Basically, though I’m embarrassed to admit it, I felt like I knew the answer, but didn’t know what the question was. (Are you willing to help me brainstorm? Here is a 10-question survey where I’d love to hear your opinion!)

Anyone who spent any time with me in the last 2 days was subjected to me quizzing them, begging them to give me the answers that were alluding me. What would make you buy this book, I inquired? Do you like this title or this title? Is this idea worth fleshing out? (Funny how scared we can get even when we know to our core that this is the message I am meant to be giving!)

They Witnessed.

Fortunately, as fate would have it, yesterday was a full scheduled day of engaging with wonderful people.  The morning began with conversations with women from my masterminding groups who helped think through felt needs and title ideas, and the day ended with a 5-hour dinner with an amazing couple whom my husband and I adore, who both communicated such an excitement to read this book that it made me want to come home and write the whole thing at once!

Thank you Jaime for seeing me...

Thank you Jaime for seeing me…

And tucked in the middle of my day was meeting a friend I hadn’t seen in a few months for tea.  As I was expressing my concerns to her, she started saying, “I loved how you talked about it when you gave that one talk wearing that sequined dress…

My eyes narrowed.  “In Seattle? But you weren’t there!”

To which she replied, “Oh I watch all your videos.” WHAT?!  Seriously? Wow. I felt seen.

And then she began to go into detail describing what she liked about it, how she felt like I put my audience at ease, and how the message is indeed in me… This is where I was tempted to interrupt.

My impulse was to say thanks, or change the subject, or brush it off.  I mean, isn’t it kind of weird to just sit there and take it all that goodness for too long?  I don’t want to look like a dry desert starving for any drop of water! I value humility.

But a voice of wisdom whispered in me: “You need to hear this.  It’s important to hear how people experience you and see you.  What you feel from the stage and what they feel from the audience is vastly different.  You have a woman in front of you willing to hold up a mirror– look at it Shasta.”

So I looked.  I listened intently.  Not from a place of arrogance (isn’t that what we’re all so afraid of that makes us err on the side of false humility?), but from a place of inquiry and appreciation.

I soaked in how she experienced me and I thought, “I want to bottle this up and write this opening chapter for her… to match what she sees.”

The Power of Witnessing

I think our default, especially as women, is to give advice to each other.  Whatever problem someone has we think, “What would I do?” and then we offer up any ideas that come to us.  If we lack solutions, then we go to, “When have I felt this way?” and we offer up a story about how we know what they’re feeling.

Advice and Relating are kind of our default modes.  But notice how both approaches turn the focus on us and how we feel, instead of keeping it on them and how they feel?

What my girlfriend Jaime did for me yesterday was hold the attention on me. She witnessed me.  She showed me that she saw me and reminded me that she liked who she saw.

She asked me questions to help me think about it differently: “Pretend you’re giving your first interview on this book and they ask you why you wrote this one– what will you say?”

She reflected back to me where I am strong and beautiful.  She spoke of my essence–that which she experiences about me, those things that I am without having to do or be them, because I just am those things.  She saw me and she wasn’t scared to tell me.

And, while I credit her with offering up the gift of validating a friend; I realize that just as important was me be willing to receive it.  If you’re anything like me, it can be far more comfortable to give it, than to take it.

But what she said grounded me in who I am and what I have to offer.  And my next book will be the better for me not having interrupted the gift of her witnessing.

May everyone be the kind of friend who witnesses their friends verbally and reminds them of their essence.

Would love to hear if you feel like you get enough of this in your relationships? Do you find it easy to give to others?  Do you wish others gave it to you more often?

 

Posted in Best Friends, Feminism, Strengths | Tagged , , , , , | 3 Comments

How Important Is Chemistry in a Friendship?

Ahhh the age-old question: How important is chemistry in a friendship?

I love this question, but something tells me you’re not going to love my answer.

Is Chemistry Necessary?

What you secretly hope I’m going to tell you is that it’s super important and that you’ll know in the first hour, or 5 minutes, of meeting someone whether you two could develop an awesome friendship.

You want me to say that because then it lets you of the hook for not yet having the all the good friendships you crave; you can just shrug and say, “Well I just haven’t met them yet, apparently.” You want me to say that because your ego wants to believe it’s a fabulous judge of character and that like a good casting agent, it knows exactly who you’re most likely to bond with down the road.  You want me to say that because you grew up believing that a good friendship is more about finding the right people than anything else.

But, give me a few moments of your time, and I’ll tell you why you’re going to be far happier telling you that initial chemistry doesn’t matter nearly as much as you think it does.

What is Chemistry, Really?

Chemistry perhaps can best be defined as that moment when we realize that “click” with someone else.  And to “click” usually means we feel a meaningful connection of some kind with another person. And often we think that the more quickly we feel it– the more genuine it must be.

Anyone who has dated remembers that there are some people you felt an instant attraction to who ended up going nowhere; and we all know people we’ve come to love who we wouldn’t have been able to guess initially.

This is a picture from a recent Friendship Accelerator group-- I love watching groups of strangers create their bonds even if they don't feel them instantly with every single person in their group!

This is a picture from a recent Friendship Accelerator group– I love watching groups of strangers create their bonds even if they don’t feel them instantly with every single person in their group!

Similarly in friendship, we all have evidence of at least one woman we adored, but then never saw again, proving that chemistry isn’t enough to create a friendship; and at least one friendship, usually someone we met at school or work where the frequency of interaction was automatic, that we ended up bonding with even though we wouldn’t have been able to initially guess we would have.  In other words, think of some of your closest friends and try to image just meeting them at a coffee shop as strangers the first time, not knowing anything about them– would you be so blown away by every single one of them, convinced you needed to see them again soon?  Not likely.  Especially if your life looks too different from theirs.  We love them now because we had the time to get to know them.

So we know that meaningful friendships get started without initial chemistry; and we know that having initial chemistry doesn’t automatically translate into developing a friendship.

But How Will I Know Who I’ll Bond With?

We also know from social science that we aren’t that great of predicting who we’re going to bond with or not.  We think we need someone else who votes for same political party, is a member of the same religious system, dresses similarly to us, or is in a similar life stage as we are; but hard data bears out that it doesn’t matter at all what parts of our lives are similar to each other, only that we end up finding those similarities.

The Brafman Brothers who co-wrote the book Click share research that reveals people bond more deeply over quantity of perceived similarities than over quality.  In other words, the number of similarities matters more than the content of those similarities. They wrote,

“Sharing a strong dislike of fast food, for example, was just as powerful of a predictor of attraction as favoring the same political party.”

What we consider as the “big” thing we think we need to have in common isn’t as effective at bonding us as having two or three “small” things in common. They said,

“You’d think that people who share the same religious convictions and political views, for example, would be more likely to hit it off than those who share only similar tastes in films and music… but it didn’t matter at all which topics underlay the similarity—it was the degree of similarity that was important.”

Crazy, huh? Of course now some of you might be thinking, “But everyone I’m close to is so similar to me… they’re the ones I felt chemistry with.” And indeed, if you look around at all your friends and they are similar to you then you’d be tempted to think that’s how it works. But if all your friends are the same political party, race, religion, and life stage as you are then it could just mean you’ve limited who you’ve been willing to try to bond with because you believed you needed those similarities?

Some of the other research they share reveals that more often than not we end up becoming closest friends simply with those we see most often.  At one military base they tracked all the cadets to see whether they ended up bonding with others based what region of the country that came from (did Southerners gravitate to other Southerners?), what ethnic group they identified with (did Asians tend to friend other Asians?), or what life stage they were at (Did married cadets hang out more with other marrieds?).  Their findings?  They ended up becoming closest to others based on their last names. Because they were seated in alphabetical order– the cadets bonded most with those they sat next to all the time.  We can think we know who we’re drawn to, but in reality it usually comes down to liking those we become most familiar with an who we have the greatest chances of seeing most frequently.

So… we don’t have to have this initial chemistry. And, we often don’t even know what qualities will bond us as much as we like to think we do.

What Do We Need to Know About Chemistry

In short– I’ll say this: It is important that you eventually like each other and feel connected to each other. So, yes, chemistry is important in that sense.  But we don’t have to feel it instantly, nor do we have to be limited by our false beliefs of what we need to have in common with each other.

We are actually able to bond with far more people than we think we can!  And that’s good news!  It means you don’t have to sit and wait for the “perfect person” to show up (who more often than not you think will look like your twin!) and you don’t have to feel giddy with an instant girl crush to prove there is potential!

Instead, you get to be friendly with everyone and trust that as you keep getting to know people and finding the surprising things you have in common with each other– that eventually some of those friendly relationships will develop into meaningful friendships! And in my humble opinion, that is far greater news!  It means we’re not victims just left to waiting and hoping that this exact .0001% of the population needs to find us; rather, we are women who can choose to develop meaningful relationships from nearly any of the women we meet!

Posted in Making Friends | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments