My Favorite Sharing Question of All Time

Posted on May 19, 2013 by ShastaGFC

While I was teaching and launching 4 more Friendship Accelerator groups yesterday, I made a mental note to myself that I would put to written words all the reasons I gave the attendees of that workshop for regularly using my all-time favorite sharing question. Here it is for you!

The Question:

Called the “High/Low” question– it invites all participants to share a highlight and a low light of their choosing.

A highlight can be: an event, a milestone, a decision, a choice for self-care, an accomplishment, a goal achieved, a moment appreciated, or a cherished conversation.  Anything that produced feelings of positivity… joy, contentment, serenity, gratitude, pride, or inspiration.

A low light can be: a tough conversation, a disappointment, a heartbreak, a loss, an unmet expectation, an obstacle, an insecurity, or something that is causing anxiety and worry.  Anything that produced feelings of negativity… fear, loss, sadness, anger, or disillusionment.

I call it the “High/Low,” one of my workshop attendees in Chicago says she calls it “Thorns & Roses.”  I like that, too!

Applications of The Question:

One of the four Friendship Accelerator groups yesterday that shared their answers to my Favorite Sharing Question!

One of the four Friendship Accelerator groups yesterday that shared their answers to my Favorite Sharing Question!

If it’s with friends you see regularly, such is the case for my weekly girls group or with family that comes over most Friday evenings, then the question can be limited to the short time period since we’ve last seen each other: “What was a highlight and low light from this last week?”

If it’s with friends we haven’t talked to in a while, such is the case with my “SoCal girls group” who is scheduled tonight for our first quarterly phone call, 2 months from when we were all together for our annual weekend trip, then it becomes more of a “What is one “high” going on in your life right now, and one “low?” giving the freedom to name a biggie that happened last month or to pick the thing that matters most this week.

If it’s with a friend I haven’t seen in ages, then the question might be bit more broad to encompass more time, “So in the last year, what would you say has been a highlight and low light for you?”

If it’s with my husband who I see every day, and already happen to know most of what his day looked like, we still ask this question in a variety of ways.  If before bed, we might say, “So what was one of your high moments and low moments today?” as a good way to reflect on the day.  And I’m still surprised sometimes the impact one email can have… showing up in either category.  If it’s after a trip, “Looking back on the trip, what would you say was one of your favorite highlights and low lights?”

The question is even great within themes, not necessarily constrained by time.  Yesterday, in the Friendship Accelerators, I asked the women to share with each other, “What is a highlight/low light for you in your current relationship status?” Or it can be in your job, where you live, about your body image, or any other subject.

Here’s Why I Love The Question SO Much:

  • Honors Real Life: There’s a time for hypothetical, but it’s not when I’m wanting to connect with my friends and find out what really matters in their lives.  This question reminds all of us that there is ALWAYS a duality to life– when you’re in a season of uncertainty or grief, there are still moments of good to be recognized, and when you’re in a season of recognition, goal achieving, or ease, there are still unmet expectations, stressors, and new worries.  And, sometimes, more-often-than-not, the very same thing that is a high can also be a piece of our low.
  • Decreases the Chances of Jealousy:  It’s all too easy to see the highlights of each other’s lives– the marriages, kids, fancy trips, and awards– and end up feeling less thrilled with our own.  But when I journey over the long-haul with my friends, seeing the lows and highs, I really think it reminds us that no one’s life is perfect. We stop begrudging each other for what we each have.
  • Increases our Ability to Celebrate our Wins & Cheer for Each Other: For many women, we’re more comfortable sharing our lows, than we are our highs. We don’t want to be seen as bragging, and we’ve picked up intuitively that others seem to like us best when our marriages aren’t amazing, our kids aren’t perfect, and our career isn’t rocking.  But if we can’t practice our greatness and capacity with friends, then who do we get to practice owning our light around?  We need to be able to say, “I’m proud of this part of my life,” and we need to keep practicing telling our friends that we’re proud of them, too!
  • Puts Control into the Hands of the Sharers: By asking for a high/low there is enough structure to prompt and direct our thinking (as opposed to just saying “So what’s up?” “What’s new?” or “Tell me what’s going on these days.”) but it’s also broad enough to let each person choose what they share. If one low light feels too vulnerable for that occasion– pick another. On the other hand, if something happened that you secretly wish people knew and could support you in– this is your chance to let them in.  Your choice!
  • Invites Honesty: You ask someone how they’re doing, and they’ll say fine.  You ask them what’s going on, and they’ll inevitably give you a summary of the kids or work.  I’ve noticed entire groups of people–even people who consider themselves close– can spend the entire evening giving updates, talking about what they saw in the news, or telling a story they know will regale everyone. But if you give them permission to share two specific things that matter in their lives then the conversation changes to what they want to share, not just what they were asked about or what they thought would make entertaining conversation.
  • Protects Space for Each Person: I really believe most people want more substantial conversations, we just don’t feel comfortable taking over the conversation and offering up some things that feel mundane, feel like downer-subjects, or could be perceived as bragging. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want people to know us. By asking this question to a living room full of people, we may sure that the introvert has protected space to share without her having to fight for the floor.  We make sure that the extroverts aren’t just entertaining, but really sharing.  We make sure no one leaves saying, “No one even asked me about…” and feeling as though they weren’t even seen.
  • Develops Intimacy: When done regularly, as each Friendship Accelerator will do in the ensuing four weeks when they get together, this question can build a real sense of connectedness.  We worry less that our highlight this week doesn’t feel huge in contrast to someone else when we can see the pattern over time that all of us have joys and all of us have pain– our turn for each will come.  In the meantime, we feel seen.  We know that someone knows that we’re stressed about money, fearful about not getting pregnant yet, or worried about our grown son’s latest seemingly-destructive choice.  We admitted it in a safe place because everyone else was sharing, too.  We weren’t left “out there” feeling like we’re the only ones with a problem.  And simultaneously, we didn’t fear what others thought when we shared our pride or joy– because they did it too.  We feel supported.  And we can support.

During the Friendship Accelerator, after I have all the groups share their high/low with each other, I ask the women to raise their hands if they would have voluntarily offered up what they just chose to share.  In other words, would they have guided the group conversation to that story, had the space not be made for it.  I’d guess about 15% of them raise their hands.  Indeed, sometimes the high or low is such that we might offer it up without being asked, but more often than not, we need someone to ask us before we gladly share.

I’m already looking forward to tonight’s call with my 4 girlfriends who live in Seattle, San Antonio, and Southern California.  I genuinely want to know what’s mattering to them.  And I’m glad I don’t just have to leave it to chance that it’s shared….

Here’s a list of more Sharing Questions– these are the ones we use in our ConnectingCircles (small member-led gatherings of 3-6 women in local cafes) in the GirlFriendCircles.com community.

 

 

 

Posted in Consistency, How To?, Maintaining Friends, Practical Ideas | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A Doctor’s Prescription: Friendship for Health

Posted on May 6, 2013 by ShastaGFC

I landed in New York City today where I will be interviewed for Better Show TV tomorrow morning, attending a women’s entrepreneur conference on Wednesday and Thursday, and then be teaching a Friendship Accelerator this weekend before heading home. (Note: If you or anyone you know lives in NYC I’ve had two openings to the Friendship Accelerator- one for someone between 28-35 and the other for someone over 55. Apply ASAP here.) Every time I land here I have an imaginary playlist in my head busting out Alicia Keys’ Empire State of Mind and it makes me feel a little invincible… “I have a pocket full of dreams…there’s nothing you can’t do, now that you’re in New York!”

A Health Book I Want to Recommend

So surely I can write a blog post on the road?  :)   I feel excited to share some friendship inspiration from the most recent book I just finished on the plane.  And since this book, Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself
comes out tomorrow, the timing couldn’t be better!

Care about your health? Besides healthy relationships playing a central role throughout this whole book, one chapter is titled, "Loneliness Poison the Body."

Care about your health? Besides healthy relationships playing a central role throughout this whole book, one chapter is titled, “Loneliness Poisons the Body.”

The author, Lissa Rankin, is an M.D. who practiced traditional medicine, got burned out and quit, and then re-discovered her passion for being a healer but was suspicious that there was a better way.  Her book is a very stimulating, inspiring, and thought-provoking book filled with medical research, stories, and ideas for how we can live healthier lives.  Her passion is healing from our current ailments, of which she herself has experienced personally, but it’s more broadly an invitation to all of us to live the most vibrant lives possible whether that means prevention or recovery.  And, of course, her big point is that we, the patients, have a more tremendous role than we often take, and that health includes a lot more than exercise and healthy eating.

Friendship for our Health Keeps Growing in Credibility

So why do I, a friendship expert, want to tell you about a health book?

So glad you asked! Because I underlined everything that had to do with our relationships and realized it was a good portion of the book!  Seriously!

Here are a few quotes:

  • “…curing loneliness is as good for your health as giving up smoking.”
  • “How much we commune with other people may prove as important as exercise when it comes to predicting life expectancy.”
  • “People with the fewest social ties were three times more likely to die over a nine-year period than those who reported the most social ties, even when you account for preexisting health conditions, socioeconomic status, smoking, alcohol consumption, obesity, race, life satisfaction, physical activity, and use of preventive health services.”

I mean, we know that relationships are good for us.  But do we really know it as the deep truth that it is?  I feel like we all give lip service to it, but then keep justifying why we need to work late, be hope with the kids every night and weekend, and how we’re just too busy to make time for the very people who can save our lives.

Here’s how it works:  basically our bodies know a lot about how to heal ourselves (i.e. wounds turn into scabs, healthy cells fight off disease cells) but that it can only do so when we are not under stress.  For when we feel stress, real or perceived, our bodies are in fight-or-flight mode which means that all repair systems shut down in order to get us through the crisis. (Because who cares about long-term health when you’re running for your life?!) But the big problem now is how many of us are living most of our lives with stress!  And when we can’t turn off the stress response long-enough or often-enough to trigger our relaxation response then our bodies aren’t be given the time to repair, build up, heal, and maintain.

So if the most effective way of telling our bodies that it can repair itself is to reduce stress, then it makes complete sense that things like healthy spirituality, meaningful relationships, calming practices, and good sleep are the best ways for us to add years to our lives.

How to Add More Meaningful Relationships to Our Lives

I’ll rattle off a couple things that immediately come to mind if you want to increase your joy and health through your relationships:

  1. Forgive & Grieve! The toxicity of not forgiving others is hurting you more than them. For your sake, practice the ability of not holding any grudges. Furthermore, some of us have relationships losses we haven’t fully grieved that we can face to find our healing…  Let the past be your past.
  2. Increase your Consistency with Someone. Almost Anyone.  If you don’t feel like you have the intimate relationships you crave, choose someone you already know and start making an effort to connect more regularly with them. (You don’t have to be convinced that they are the perfect BFF for you… just start connecting more to see if it can develop into something that feeds you more than now.)
  3. Increase Vulnerability.  I have a whole chapter in my book to this point, but Dr. Rankin describes why this matters so much saying that “shame, secrecy, and isolation are the enemies of the healing process.” To be vulnerable, she talks about why we must be ourselves, take our masks off, set up healthy boundaries, and learn to ask for what we need. This point has both to do with our practicing on vulnerability in friendships, but also speaks to how we need to get to know ourselves better and keep increasing our self-love so that when we are in potential relationships we already know who we are and feel our self-worth.
  4. Then, Assess.  Forgiving others will do a lot to let go of your past, increasing consistency will help increase the support you feel now, and learning who you are and how to love yourself can all give you some breathing space to think about your future.  Chapters 2 & 3 of my book–Friendships Don’t Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends– will help you assess your relationships so you can then decide which steps you most need to pour your time and energy into.

I think these 4 steps are important (sorry I can only mention them in passing in this context!) especially because making new friends often causes stress before it reduces stress.  In the beginning of new relationships we experience more fear and uncertainty before we can grow those relationships to safe, easy, and comfortable times together.  To that point, it behooves  us to both see our relationship-making as a long-term strategy worthy of our investment and also do what we can to nourish ourselves as much as possible in the process.  Much like how exercise is not a one-time event, friendship-making has to be seen for the pay-off it will have down the road.  It’s so worth it!

For as Lissa says, “Every day is an opportunity to deepen your connections to the people you value.  When you let your heart feel, become resilient to shame, end your judgments of others, learn the art of forgiveness, practice being authentic, and lay bare your soul, you allow your mind to work its wonders, optimizing the body for its natural state of self-repair.”

——————–

Other posts that speak to some of the subjects mentioned in this post:

Your Brain on Friendships

Are New Friends Worth the Energy Output Required?

Vulnerability, Weight, Nudity, and Judgment

Loneliness & Your Health

 

 

Posted in Books & Movies, Health, Importance of Friendship | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Help Me Blaze the Important Trails of Friendship!

Posted on April 24, 2013 by ShastaGFC

Yesterday I received an email of congrats from an entrepreneurial friend of mine after she saw my name on a press release announcing that I was a finalist for a Trailblazer of the Year Award.  I quickly clicked on the link she had sent and was momentarily stunned… Trailblazing? Really?  I wrote her back and said, “Thank you!” And, “hmm… I wonder how I ended up in that category?”

Trailblazer? Really?

The title of “Trailblazing” is definitely a word I hadn’t yet used to describe myself.

Her return email then landed in my inbox:

“Don’t underestimate yourself Shasta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    YOU are doing such IMPORTANT work —– don’t you realize you are-   Reinstating the Role of Friendship in Life? Giving friendship a Facelift? Uplifting the Spirit with New Friends? It’s because of these reasons that you are a Trailblazer!!!! Accept it  and write about how you think you are trailblazing for your next blog – this is important!!”

And then I just smiled.  Smiled with the appreciation of having friends in my life who believe in me and help me see myself in new ways. So this blog is my way of accepting the challenge of a friend.  This is for me to own what I want to do in this world, but it’s also me inviting you to blaze the trail with me!  :)

Let's blaze this trail of friendship together! We need a world of women feeling connected, supported, known, and loved!

Let’s blaze this trail of friendship together! We need a world of women feeling connected, supported, known, and loved!

The funny thing is that I know I am definitely on a mission. I wouldn’t deny that!  But sometimes we just don’t use words like “Trailblazing!” to describe ourselves!  But when I started GirlFriendCircles.com nearly 4 years ago I’d get blank stares from people when I’d describe my business.  And magazines would respond with “Oh we did a story on friendship 8 months ago,” as though that meant they didn’t need to cover it again this year!  And women would say stupid things like, “Who would be so desperate as to pay for friends?” as though paying for coffee, water, and manicures were of more value to them.  Even now when I try to pitch friendship as the very real health story that it is, editors and producers would rather give you a story about a new technique for stomach crunches even though friendship is far more important to your health!

So when I remember what it was like back then and compare it to now…. while I wouldn’t have used the word “trailblazing,” that was very much what I have done for the last number of years.

And just to further laugh at myself… I do have a theory that friendship can save the world. (See my 3 min video here.) What kind of a silly girl goes making lofty claims about “saving the world” without thinking she wouldn’t be blazing a trail along the way!? Ha! Shows just how much we can do without seeing it through the eyes of others!

What Our Trailblazing May Feel Like…

This experience reminds me of the recent Dove commercial that highlights how we  see our appearance differently than others.  I think the same can be true of our accomplishments, roles, identities, and goals.  Certainly it makes sense that we might focus more on our wrinkles, wide foreheads, and big noses than anyone ever looking at us sees.  But similarly, we see much more of the un-glamorous and non-wowing parts of our  lives than others see. (Which is a good thing because while I’m absolutely okay with you knowing how many days I go un-showered, it’s still better that you don’t have to see it!)

The truth is that when I think of my life, I just see a girl behind her computer, in yoga pants, with stringy hair, typing emails furiously, scheduling phone calls, and just checking things off my to-do list.  It’s not really the same image that comes to mind when I think “TRAILBLAZER!” LOL!

But just because the vast majority of my life moments feel mundane doesn’t mean I’m not creating partnerships, pitching stories, creating content, and slowly making the trail one foot longer.

To that end, I started www.GirlFriendCircles.com to help introduce women to each other, wrote a book to help inspire and teach women how to foster friendships into more meaningful relationships, and filled up calendars with speaking appointments, workshops, interviews, and events where I can engage with women on such important friendship-related subjects such as forgiveness, personal growth, physical health, self-esteem, and joy.

This idea is necessary because we are moving every 5 years, changing jobs every 4.4 years, living far from our family, going through our life stages at vastly different ages, and divorcing more frequently than previous generations– every single one of those changes can uproot our support systems leaving people feeling incredibly vulnerable.  We need new ways of connecting with other human beings with more ease and less fear, while also having the permission and know-how to transform those friendships into deep, fulfilling, and meaningful relationships.

So as I’m expanding into a new word, here’s hoping you’ll blaze trails with me!  I don’t expect any of you to run a media campaign in your community for new friendships, but you can RSVP for a ConnectingCircle or sign-up to be a local Ambassador!  You may not see that as anything hugely glamorous.  In fact, it may even feel awkward, discouraging, and scary!  But that doesn’t mean it’s not HUGELY important!

Why We Have to Blaze Friendship Trails

We have to remember why we are doing what we do.

Yes, most of being a mom feels more like being a chauffeur, ATM, and chef; but to actually stop and feel the awesomeness of the role– a life-giver, educator-of-the-next-generation, and the person who will teach real love to another human.  Wow.

Similarly, starting a friendship doesn’t always feel that amazing.  We often carry fear wondering if the other person will like us, frustration with how hard it is to get something scheduled, and then un-fulfilled when an evening talking to strangers doesn’t feel like talking to our best friends, yet.  It doesn’t always feel amazing.

But when you realize it’s our relationships that serve as gymnasiums for our souls, giving us the place to practice the skills this world desperately needs: forgiveness when hurt, compassion when tired, cheering when jealous, and supporting even when not understanding– then we sit with just a bit of the sacredness of this relationship.  For, if we can’t practice these skills with people around us who we, at one point, chose to care about, then we have little chance of being able to show up with these skills when we’re talking about people who live on the other side of the world, who worship a different version of God, or who vote for a different president.

I’d say there are few things more important than having safe relationships where we can practice being the powerful, big, loving people who this world needs us to be.

Furthermore, we live in a world where increased loneliness is literally poisoning our bodies. Stress is the number one cause of most disease and death and a sense of disconnection is heightening our sense of being “separate.”  The less we feel supported by a tribe of people, the more at risk we are of sickness, acting out of insecurity, and behaving in less compassionate ways.

A plethora of research shows that when we have friends we feel like the obstacles in our lives are smaller, that we heal from surgery faster, that we recover from breast cancer at higher rates, that our immune systems are stronger, and that we have more energy to do our life missions. Wow.

I sincerely believe that the more connected everyone is to a group of friends– the better off this entire world will be.

So to all the trails we have already blazed, and to the many, many more that we will keep making… Thanks to Rock the World for the honor of the nomination, thanks to my friend Shamini for pushing me to sit with the label, and thanks to all of you women who are on the trail with me! xoxo

Posted in Feminism, Health, Importance of Friendship, Social Causes | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

How To Respond to a Friend in Crisis

Posted on April 12, 2013 by ShastaGFC

I read a lot of articles and books every week (I prefer the term “learner” to “self-help junkie” but the latter is just as true!) so when one still sticks with me a few days later, I figure I may as well share it on my blog.  The visual that the LA Times included with the op-ed piece, “How Not to Say the Wrong Thing,” could save a lot of friendships if we took it to heart.

The Ring Theory

Whoever is in the center of the story gets to stay there... according to the LA Times op-end piece by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.

Whoever is in the center of the story gets to stay there… according to the LA Times op-end piece by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.

The piece written by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman speaks to the temptation all of us have to take someone’s story and turn it into ours because their life impacts ours.

After Susan was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to field such comments as, “This isn’t all about you,” she created the diagram to the right to help us all see that while all of us may be impacted by someone’s crisis, we have to stay mindful of whose crisis it actually is.  She calls it the Ring Theory and says it works in all kinds of crises: medical, legal, financial, romantic, even existential.

The person at the center is the one in crisis.  Everyone in that person’s life is placed on a concentric circle, starting at the center with the people who are closest to the crisis (i.e. spouse, parent) and moving out to the people in our lives who are less close to us.

How it works, in a nutshell:

“The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, “Life is unfair” and “Why me?” That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help.

Comfort In, Dump Out.”

Implications for our Friendships

Now, there are times in every crisis where I don’t need everyone acting strong around me, where it can be meaningful to hear from people close to me about how this situation is impacting them, and where real authentic conversations and intimacy about what we’re both feeling can be helpful.  And there are times where it feels good to have people around me vent, letting me still be a good friend to them, too; reminding me that they still have lives and issues and feelings.  Indeed, whether it’s a cancer diagnosis or a divorce, we feel each others pain. But with that said, I think the above diagram is still an incredibly fabulous visual for helping us all keep perspective on where we are, and what our primary roles should be, when a friend is in any crisis.

Does their change affect us? Absolutely.  It will undoubtedly bring up our own fears and memories of loss that need to be processed.  And our schedule might change– more serving and caring for them, less fun times out.  Our conversations might change and be way less meaningful, mutual, or energizing.  So undoubtedly our friendship will feel like it’s changing, but that’s not the same as our entire life changing.

I know my divorce impacted my friends– they were losing a couple that they loved spending time with together, they had more tough conversations in their homes having to process who’s fault it was and how to support each of us, and it undoubtedly brought up tough conversations about their own marriages. We both ended up moving away so it’s fair to say many people “lost” a lot in my divorce.  But… the rings remind all of us that no one lost more than my ex-husband and I did.  I keep this front-of-mind when I’m heartbroken by the news of friends of mine….

A very aware person notices in those moments several things:

  1. This is her story.  I’m only a supporting actor in this movie starring her.
  2. Therefore she gets to call the shots.  Caring for her is the highest priority in this particular story.  I may be the center of another story, but this one is hers. I will try to be mindful of what she needs, and participate as I can.
  3. This does impact me.  I need to own that so I can be mindful of it.  I need to find the appropriate places to process what I am feeling. Most likely, especially early-on, she probably isn’t the best person for me to go to for comforting.  She needs to stay in her role of grieving, processing, and healing– not feeling pressure to “be there” for me. Remember, I’m only a supporting actor in this scene, not the one who steals the show.  In another scene, with someone else, I can be the main character. And need to be.
  4. I will do what I can. Just because she’s in crisis doesn’t mean I can show up in all the ideal ways. I may be in the center of another story that prevents me from having the bandwidth, or I may have too many unresolved feelings that I can’t stop from bleeding out on her, or I just may not be able to serve all the ways she needs or I want to… but I’ll be thoughtful in remembering that it’s her right, as my friend, to ask. I won’t resent her requests– I’ll just do what I can and lovingly say no to what I cannot.

The point is that their story gets to stay theirs– always. Which sounds obvious, but can be so very hard to do.

In the Good Times, Too?

I think it’s appropriate to expand the word crisis to include pretty much any life change, transition, or profound experience.  I personally think more friendships suffer misunderstandings with these circles in the good news more than in the bad news.

Because when she announces her promotion, her wedding, her retirement, or her pregnancy– our first reaction will be about how we feel about it. We’ll immediately start feeling something– and whether it’s joy or jealousy–we’re at risk of putting our feelings on her experience.

In crisis we can be the heroes, the rescuers, the good friends, the shoulder to cry-on, the one who wows.  In good news though, when we might be more at risk of feeling jealous, forgotten, or alone, we may struggle more with letting her stay the center of attention.  She may not “need” us as much and instead of being grateful we’re not the one who just got cheated on, we’re now wondering when it will be our turn to have good-luck fall on our plate.

To be so mindful in those moments that she is in the center of the circle (her life is changing) and we are on the outside rings (we might feel different about her or us, and the time we spend with her may be changing, but our actual lives really aren’t changing) helps give us perspective.

Our role in all these moments is to keep her in her center.  Whether it’s in the gloom of her bankruptcy, the dissolution of her marriage, or the death of someone close to her, or whether it’s letting her be wedding-crazy, baby-obsessed, and filled with retirement-glee– let her stand in the center of her life, trusting that a ring or few out, we’ll be there with as much support as possible.  We can do this because we will find other people in our lives to process our own feelings about what is shifting. We can take care of ourselves so we can help take care of her.

There’s no better way to end this post than with the same words the authors ended their article:

“And don’t worry. You’ll get your turn in the center ring. You can count on that.”

———————————

I’d love to hear other insights and reactions some of you have when you look at the concentric circles….  what’s helpful? what’s difficult? what’s clarifying?

 

Posted in Difficulty & Challenges, Loss & Grief | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Today is National Reconciliation Day!

Posted on April 2, 2013 by ShastaGFC

Oh I wish this holiday had been on my radar last week so I could have given you plenty of notice to start thinking about what action you wanted to take today toward reconciliation!

Watch the 30 minute HuffPo Live panel regarding Reconciliation by clicking on the link to the left. (Featuring: Alvin, going through a divorce, Amy Alkon, the Advice Goddess, and me-- all sharing our experiences and wisdom.

Watch the 30 minute HuffPo Live panel regarding Reconciliation by clicking on the link to the left. (Featuring: Alvin, going through a divorce, Amy Alkon, the Advice Goddess, and me– all sharing our experiences and wisdom.

But, alas, it was only when HuffPost Live contacted me and asked if I’d be on a live panel this afternoon on the topic of reconciliation that I was made aware that there was such a day.  Apparently Ann Landers decided back in 1989 that every April 2 should be celebrated with everyone picking up the phone to call with whom we may have had a falling out with, hence it’s become the Day of Reconciliation.

I was honored to share on the panel, but here is a more comprehensive post about what reconciliation can look like.

The Two Types of Break-Ups

First, there are two types of fall-outs that I speak to: Rifts and Drifts.

Rifts are when something happens to undermine the relationship; whereas, Drifts are when nothing specific happens to the relationship yet we find ourselves slowly drifting apart.

You undoubtedly have experience with both.  Reconciliation is possible and necessary with both, but they may look quite different.

Reconciling Rifts & Drifts

Let’s start with defining reconciliation.  Reconciliation can mean reestablishing the close relationship, but it also means simply the ability to find resolution, or acceptance. In other words, when we speak of reconciliation, it doesn’t automatically mean that the goal should be intimacy, trust, and connection with the person we felt hurt by.  Certainly, to come to peace, to forgive the other person, might mean that we’d be open to that re-engagement someday if growth had occurred on both sides.  But more often than not, forgiveness might just mean finding our own peace, reconciling what is real with our expectations of what we want.  The discrepancy between those two causes unmeasured angst.

In my book, knowing whether we’re dealing with a Drift or Rift helps me know what path of reconciliation to seek.

Drifts….

If there is Drift in a relationship, the invitation is for us to not only recognize it is happening, but also to check with ourselves about whether we want it to happen.

In one of my recent Drifts, I knew that it was only busy-ness and distraction that was putting distance between us.  In my gut, I knew I wanted this friendship to last.  I didn’t need to know whether I needed it as often or as deeply in my life as we had co-created before, but I was clear when I checked-in with myself that I didn’t want to lose the friendship. So in this relationship, I wrote her a note and said,

“I miss you! I know we’ve both been so busy, and I’m so sorry that on my end I’ve not been as present or available. I know relationships ebb-and-flow, but I definitely don’t want to let us get too far from each other since you mean so much to me!  Any chance you’re up for scheduling a catch-up call next week?  I’m flexible Tuesday afternoon or Wednesday evening, do you have an hour anytime in there you’d be willing to give me?”

Reconciliation in this case was reaching out with a sorry I’ve neglected the relationship (it doesn’t matter if she has, too, our apology is still true) and a stated desire to re-engage. She was honored and grateful.  Neither of us had meant anything malicious and neither had wanted to put any pressure on the other. But we all like to know that the other misses us and naming it helps us both take it less personally. (Because if you ignore it here, this is where we’re more likely to get our feeling hurts with unmet expectations that can then turn into a Rift, all because we didn’t address the Drift.)

To contrast it, another Drift in the last couple of years was a relationship where I checked-in with myself and realized that reconciliation actually meant being okay with letting the relationship take a backseat.  I was at peace with it happening because I sensed that both of us were going different directions, our energies pulling us into other relationships and experiences.  To try to re-engage here would have been simply out of guilt, the voice of “you should…”

In some cases of Drifting, it’s possible that the two of you simply call less and less and it slowly dissipates.  That’s okay, but if possible, I’d still prefer  a little communication if possible, out of respect for what we’ve shared.  Obviously every situation is different, and is largely determined by whether we sense both people are at peace or if we feel she is still pursuing while we’re retreating.  But in my case, in response to her reaching out to me via email to set up a time for dinner, I wrote,

“Thank you so much for thinking of me!  You are someone whose relationship has meant so much to me over the years.  Let’s definitely get a dinner on the calendar, and hopefully we can make that happen every couple of months even though I know we’re both so busy! I hope that no matter how much time and distance ever separates us, that we can always call each other a friend.  I so admire you.”

Reconciliation in this case was two-fold: me being at peace with letting the relationship be something other than “all-or-nothing,” and making sure I communicated to her how much I admired her.  My goal is to leave relationships with people feeling better about themselves for having known me.

Rifts…

Rifts, can be a bit trickier, in that our hearts have likely been more bruised and our expectations more unmet.  Her disappointing actions have left us frustrated and questioning the friendship, which is almost impossible to do with out us feeling both defensive and judgmental.  Those two feelings make it hard for us to even want to reconcile.

The second-to-last chapter of my book highlights healthy options for responding to the five friendship threats, but for these purposes today, let me just get on my soapbox for a moment and say this:

GirlFriends–as a rule of thumb, treat your friendships that experience frustration and disappointment with the same courtesy you give to your romantic relationships: consider a mature conversation.

I’ve yet to hear of the dating break-up where someone disappointed you and you just cut off contact without ever having a single conversation about it! No! We may dislike confrontation, but we step up to it for romance.  We say, “We need to talk…” and then we tell them what we need, how they hurt us, what’s okay, what isn’t, what we hope for, etc.  Sometimes it turns into this awesome conversation where we both feel heard and we can move into a more meaningful and trusting relationship.  But even the times it leads to a fight, we always expect a follow-up conversation, knowing we need to either make-up or at least facilitate as healthy closure as possible. Sometimes we break-up, make-up, and break-up again.  We give them multiple chances, because we “love him” (or her), or because we know “he’s trying…”, or because we’ve “invested so much already.”  All valid excuses we should be giving to our girlfriends!

So off my soapbox, while I know full re-engagement of the relationship, recovering from whatever caused the Drift, isn’t always possible, I am an advocate of at least trying before a friendship break-up.  Too many of us walk away, unwilling to try again, claiming the other person isn’t healthy, doesn’t know how to be a friend, or  can never be trusted again.  All of which may not necessarily be true.  As any of us who have been a long-term relationship can attest, we will hurt each other, and that doesn’t mean we can’t also still love each other well.

Your Invitation:

Since you’re getting this blog post so late in the evening on this Reconciliation holiday you may think you’re off the hook from having to reconcile with someone?  No way!  In fact, they say the best way to let yourself off the hook is to forgive, to come to peace, to accept, or to resolve.  Who can you reach out to tonight or tomorrow as your way of stepping into a holiday that we should really be practicing 365 days a year?

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More relevant posts:

  1. Friendship Break-Ups 1: A Drift or a Rift  (Defining both, and going into more detail about causes for Drifts.)
  2. Friendship Break-Ups 2: Saving a Drift, Avoiding a Rift (3 steps to help prevent our Drifts from becoming Rifts)
  3. Friendship Break-Ups 3: Was She Really a Friend, Anyway? (Speaking to when we get our feelings hurt because a friend wasn’t there for us…)
  4. Friendship Break-Ups 4: Letting Go or Holding On? (How to decide if the friendship is worth pursuing.)

 

 

 

 

Posted in Break Ups, Difficulty & Challenges, Forgiveness, How To?, Our Mistakes | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

An Interview with a GirlFriendCircles.com Ambassador!

Posted on March 26, 2013 by ShastaGFC

With thousands of new members joining GirlFriendCircles.com in the last few weeks from across the U.S. and Canada it reminds me how many women know the value of new friends and are willing to do something about it.

For some of you, just signing up and trying to muster up the courage to post your photo, complete your profile, or RSVP to an event will be all you can do to prove to yourself that friendships matter to you. And that’s okay!  We all take the steps we can!

But for some of you, you may feel as though you have a bit more in you to move you forward in your friendship journey.  This is an interview with Kathy Lombardo, a GirlFriendCircles.com Ambassador, who I was lucky enough to meet at my Chicago Book Party last month!  She lives 30 miles outside of Chicago in Darien, IL and knows what it’s like to feel discouraged at the lack of stuff going on in her area. But her willingness to respond with hope has made all the difference!  She’s a 46 year-old Neonatal RN who decided to not only make her own friendships happen, but to also help make it happen for others! You don’t have to become an Ambassador to be inspired by her story and see ways you can make friendships happen for you!

Meet Kathy Lombardo, a GirlFriendCircles.com Ambassador, whom I was lucky enough to meet in Chicago last month!

Meet Kathy Lombardo, a GirlFriendCircles.com Ambassador, whom I was lucky enough to meet in Chicago last month!

Here’s my interview with her:

Shasta:  When you first joined GirlFriendCircles.com, you were undoubtedly hoping for tons of new friendships in your area, but since you live 30 miles outside of Chicago, we weren’t that robust in your area, right?  So what did you feel and how did you respond?

Kathy: Yes, when I first joined GirlFriendCircles.com last Spring after hearing you interviewed, the web site told me that there were not enough people in my area to match me with. I was disappointed because I had been so excited to find an avenue for meeting other women who I thought may have a similar desire for the kind of friendship I was yearning for. I was also surprised because I did live close to one of the largest cities in the country. Thus…I got off the computer that day dejected.

Eventually, you decided to take matters into your own hands and become an Ambassador for GirlFriendCircles.com in your area!  What prompted that?  Was it a hard decision?

I do not remember what prompted me to take matters into my own hands but I know that I had chosen to continue to receive your blog and various e-mails. In fact,I ended up using one of your blogs about how you wanted people to feel in your presence as a template for the vows I used in a marriage-to-myself ceremony last Fall. Then I think I must have read something about becoming an Ambassador in one of your e-mails? Regardless of the prompt though, I remember that it was about 6 months after I had first logged on to GFC that I decided to get back on and “make this work” for me. I decided that instead of dejectedly giving up on my dream,  I was instead going to do whatever I could to make it a reality. If I was going to go down; I was at least going to go down fighting! This made my decision to become an Ambassador a no-brainer. In fact I was eager to do so, believing it would lead me down the path to what I was looking for, or I’d at least die trying……lol! After reading your book, I realized I was doing exactly what the heart of your message is, “creating a meaningful circle of girlfriends”. As you say, “friendships don’t just happen” and I clearly realized this and was going to go from wishing for it to intentional action to create it.

That’s amazing Kathy. How glad so many of us are that you decided to come back and give it another shot! So, after you then signed up to help be this catalyst for friendship, what are some of the first things you did?

After I signed up I spent time navigating my way around the GFC website, which I hadn’t really done when I first went on. I created a profile with a picture and went in search of friends. I had not seen this feature previously because I don’t think I really understood how GFC worked. I then went about “friending” many women in the city and in the suburbs. I also found the Calendar and created an event. The first event I created was to a book launch party in the city last November, which I was helping out with. Four or five women signed up to go and only one was able to make it but I did meet her that night, and brought back the book for another. It was a small start but it was a start and I was very hopeful!

When did you first sense that things were changing?  What signs did you start to see that gave you hope?

I think I first sensed that things were changing when I decided to take action. There was an immediate shift in me, which translated into a shift in my circumstances. “Friending” women on my own, putting my work zip code as well as my home zip code, finding the Calendar, and creating events is when the hope really kicked into gear! I saw that there was more much for to this than actually just waiting to be matched.

Having been an Ambassador now for 6 months (is that right?), what would you say have been the pay-offs or benefits for you?

Yes, about 6 months, maybe less. The benefits have been tremendous! Just making the decision was a huge benefit. But then deciding to put my all into it is what has given me the biggest rewards. I took it very seriously and put up events as suggested and went to events and ConnectingCircles as much as possible, asked questions of Maci, became a book circle leader, signed up with Big Tent with other Ambassadors, posted questions and answered them in the forum, put up fliers, followed-up with people, and continued to do all of that over and over.

Wow.  I am so touched how seriously you took this.  Thank you so very much. You really dove in, far more than most people are willing to. But, that’s everything you gave.  Can you tell me what you received from doing that?

OK…let me try this again…..personal benefits to me? A sense of hope. Feeling good about putting action and intention into something that is important to me. Seeing the truth that the things most precious to me in life take not just desire but intention, action, and commitment. I have learned that the more intention, action, and commitment I put into something the greater the reward will be. I have learned that I am able to co-create the things in life I have longed for. I have learned that giving up does not serve me. I have learned that the status quo, while safe, does not serve me. I have learned to let go of what does not serve me or bring me happiness and that the only way to have the life that I truly desire is to let go of my fear, be willing to risk rejection and disappointment, put myself out there, and be patient!

Beautiful.  Love it!  And now the flip-side.  To be fair and honest, what has been the hardest, or most disappointing part?

Hard? Nothing! Honestly, nothing has been hard. It has been sheer joy for me to be so involved. Being an Ambassador could practically be the job description for who I am as a person. It suits me, it lends itself to the gifts God put me here to share with the world, and it is completely me! It comes naturally to me and I am good at it…not to be a braggart, just to speak the raw truth of it. This is who I am. As you describe in your book, I am a 100% initiator and bringer together of people!

I think the most disappointing part has been something that you actually spoke about in your book. I appreciated reading in Chapter 6 you saying, “I cringe when I hear that….several women cancelled their attendance at a ConnectingCircle the day before-or worse, someone simply didn’t show up.”  I absolutely lean in the direction of naivety and thinking that everyone has the same jolly, happy, this-is-so-fun, let’s-do-this attitude as I do. But the truth is that even people who take the time to sign up for GFC have different levels of desire and commitment. And all I can really worry about is to continue my own level of desire and commitment, knowing it will lead me to who and where I am supposed to be. I also appreciated reading you say that, “The girl who showed up may feel embarrassed or frustrated, but she has proven to herself that she is willing to be present for something that she says is important in her life. I believe that energy will serve her.” These sentences touched my heart because that is a principle I think I have spent my life standing on even if not everyone else who has been in my life has.

What has been one of your best memories as an Ambassador so far?

Well…that is an easy one! It is at your book launch party when I asked you a question and one of the women I was with told you I was an Ambassador.  Then after telling you my name you said, “Oh yes, I know you. Maci told me I HAVE to meet you and that she thinks you are great and so wished she could have come here just to meet you!” I felt like a mini-celebrity! It was awesome to see that all the effort I had been putting in was really, really paying off….  I was with a large group of women I had met through GFC, was meeting you, was being sought after by other women there, and got to meet a woman who was there that night as the result of a flier I had put up in a Caribou coffee months previously and many, many miles away! It was an amazing night!

Look at all the friendships Kathy has helped make happen! It made me SO happy to see the love and joy among these women!

Look at all the friendships Kathy has helped make happen! It made me SO happy to see the love and joy among these women!

Well that was a highlight for me, too!  What a difference you’ve made Kathy.  It’s amazing how one woman can just start reaching out, and how much others will respond to that!  What a difference you’ve made!  Okay, last questions, if you were to give advice to others who might be willing to be Ambassadors in their areas, what would you like to tell them?

Like Nike says, “Just do it”, or more specifically, DO IT! It has been worth every moment of effort I have put into it and has changed my life in so many ways! It is not really “hard” and the rewards far surpass any time and effort that it may take. I would also definitively say that patience is required, as is tenacity. It didn’t happen overnight and it didn’t happen with the first event I created. In fact, the first 3 events I created were attended by either only one other person or no one at all. But I was patient and tenacious and would not give up!! And look, I am now being interviewed by YOU!!!  :)

Oh how grateful so many of us are that you didn’t give up.  Thank you for continuing to post events, for not taking it personally when people didn’t RSVP, and for continuing to reach out and introduce women to each other. I’m so very thankful for you!

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If you’re interested in possibly being an Ambassador for Friendship in your area, go here. But whether you sign-up or not, I hope you got lots of good ideas from Kathy’s story and that it gives you the courage necessary to go post an event on the GirlFriendCircles.com calendar in your area and maybe send out a few “Let’s Connect” requests to introduce yourself to other women nearby!  Make your friendships happen!

 

 

Posted in Interviews, Making Friends, Online Tools | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Your Brain on Friendships

Posted on March 19, 2013 by ShastaGFC

On CBS Sunday Morning, a news magazine program, they ran an awesome story this last weekend about the health benefits of friendship.(Watch the clip here, if interested.)

In the segment on CBS, they showed two of these recent studies– one in the field of psychology and the other in neuroscience.

Friendships Decrease How We Perceive Stressors

First, they re-enacted the psychology study that came out of University of Virgina a few years back that revealed how we assess life differently when a friend is nearby.  Students wearing a heavy backpack at the bottom of a hill were asked to estimate the steepness of the incline.  Some students were alone as they did the assignment, others had one friend standing beside them. The lead professor, Dr. Dennis Proffitt says on Sunday Morning, “They find the hill to be steeper if they are alone, and less steep if they are with friends.”

When a friend stands nearby we perceive the hill to be less steep than when we are standing alone.

When a friend stands nearby we perceive the hill to be less steep than when we are standing alone.

First, let’s just let that one sink in for one moment.  How many of us feel exhausted or weary by life?  How many of us feel a wee bit overwhelmed?  How many of us feel like the metaphoric hill in front of us feels too steep? If there was a way to face life where our perception was radically changed to perceive our situations as a wee bit easier, less intimidating, and more do-able, would you want it?  Our social support is one such factor.

Interestingly, the research also showed that the more intimate and meaningful the friendship, the less steep the hill was perceived; and that conversely when subjects were asked to think of a neutral or disliked person they estimated the hill to be even more steep. That speaks volumes for how important forgiveness and boundaries can be– if I let someone I don’t like keep filling my thoughts then I’m more likely to view life as hard and steep!  Our invitation isn’t just to invite friends to stand close in our lives, but it’s also to find peace with those around us who might be adding to our stress.

Friendships Reduces Actual Stress in our Brains

The second highlighted study contrasted MRI brain activity when a subject who was receiving intermittent mild electrical shocks was alone or while holding the hand of a friend.  Not knowing when the shocks were going to occur, this test showed the brain response to our anticipatory anxiety, the type of stress so many of us live with as we worry about all the things that are uncertain.  The parts of our brain that sense danger are much less active when we’re holding the hand of a friend.

When we are holding the hand of a friend while experiencing anticipatory stress, there is less wear on our brains than when we face stress alone.

When we are holding the hand of a friend while experiencing anticipatory stress, there is less wear on our brains than when we face stress alone.

Dr. James Coan, the lead researcher in this study and a neuroscientist at the University of Virginia, said to CBS Sunday Morning: “The burden of coping with life’s many stressors… when you have to deal with them all by yourself, it not only feels more exhausting, it literally creates more wear on your body.”

Similarly, Dr. Coan’s work focuses a lot on marriages, too, showing that when faced with a fearful or stressful situation, it doesn’t only feel comforting to hold our husbands hand, but actually is comforting as our brain scans show that our anxiety is literally reduced.

Three Friendship Choices to Lower your Stress

I am ever grateful that the topic of friendship, which has long been held as a warm-and-fuzzy subject, is actually grabbing the attention of scientists who are able to articulate to us the significance of our relationships.  For far more than simply a feel-good theme, the results of studies that focus on our friendships are compelling us to acknowledge that this is actually one of the most important health factors in our lives. It’s long been my soapbox that right up there with “eat vegetables, exercise, and get enough sleep” should also be “spend quality time with friends.”

Because it’s not enough to just have had good friends in our past.  We actually need them now.  We don’t want to lie to our brains and say, “I’m too busy to make friends right now” which is another way of saying we’re too stressed to add one more thing, when in actuality we need those meaningful friendships to actually decrease our stress!

Here are three ways you can move toward a less-stressful, more friend-filled life.

  1. Invest now in new friends if your goal is meaningful friends.  Many of us don’t take the time to be with new friends because it’s not meaningful, easy, and deep yet compared to our close friendships.  But showing up for “coffee dates” (or your repeated activity of choice!) with a new friend now is how you make sure you have that close friend next year.
  2. Add some more consistency with someone you already feel intimate with.  Many of us have friends we know deeply but we rarely talk to them or see them because of distance. If you feel like you don’t have local close friends yet, consider talking weekly on the phone with a far-flung friend so you can at least reap the benefits of intimate support while you’re fostering the local friendships that aren’t yet intimate.
  3. Be a wee bit more vulnerable.  I devote an entire chapter in my book “Friendships Don’t Just Happen!” to this topic to help us understand what vulnerability is, what it looks like, and how appropriate it is to grow it slowly.  But in both these studies, the friend was standing close or holding a hand, which means that part of the benefit means they were nearby, present, or engaged. To simply have friends who know nothing about our lives (and therefore can’t really support us) doesn’t fully capture the benefits possible!  We have to let people get a little closer.

There was a time when people thought it silly to go jogging or work out at a gym.  It was foreign thought that we’d set aside time in our lives to exercise if we weren’t professional athletes.  But as our lives became more sedentary, the need for intentional physical movement became obvious.

Similarly, as our lives become more disconnected from tribes, social circles, and nearby family, we are in a time where we all need to swallow the truth that we must become more intentional about fostering meaningful friendships. Not just because we’re lonely or wish we had someone to go do something with, but because our health– physical and emotional– are dependent on it.

It is no small thing that with a friend nearby you will not only experience less stress, but also perceive the world with less stress. And less stress means longer lives, less disease, and more joy.

To your health!

This segment on friendship also included an interview with Dr. Irene Levine, a women I admire for her healthy friendship advice, and stories featuring two separate groups of friends. I was particularly moved by the group of male friends they showed as I think there is need for so much modeling of deep male friendship in our society.  Job well done CBS!

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Exercise & Yoga, Health, How To?, Research | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Reflections on My Katie Couric Interview

Posted on March 12, 2013 by ShastaGFC

Four women who have made friends on GirlFriendCircles.com were interviewed, along with me, by Katie Couric nearly two weeks ago for a segment that aired TODAY, Tuesday, March 12, 2013 on ABC.

Katieshot copy

A Behind-the-Scenes Look at What It’s Like to Be on Katie Couric

If you’re on my GirlFriendCircles newsletter list, you already saw my quick little video made a couple of days ago when I found out when this show was airing.  But if you missed it, I gave a little behind-the-scenes view at what it was like to meet Katie, the fun surprise that caught all of us a bit off guard when we arrived at the ABC studio, and a little glimpse into the VIP treatment of being a guest on a national talk show. So fun!

Reflections on the Entire Friendship Show Segment

But the blog post I really want to write is one I’ve been waiting nearly two weeks to write!   Since some of what I want to share was about the interviews of others on the Show, I had to wait and let you watch it without any spoilers.  But now that it’s aired…. I’m not holding back!  :)

Since my heart is as a teacher, I wanted to point out some great friendship take-away’s that came up in the stories of other women on the show.  Here is a list of seven lessons we can learn about friendship just from listening to others share their personal stories.

The other segments included: Katie and her BFF–Wendy Walker — talking about their friendship since their 20′s, the surprise arrival of Larry King to talk about his long ago date with Katie, gal pals and comedians Chelsea Handler and Kathy Najimy, and two women in their eighties (Thelma and Kay) who have been friends for over 75 years.

Seven Friendship Lessons Highlighted on Katie Couric Today:

  1. Everyone needs friends. The Friendship Show opened with a photo montage of celebrity photos, with Katie’s voice reminding us that “Even the hottest stars need a shoulder to cry on…” Indeed.  I’ve witnessed that often it’s the women who are the most successful, beautiful, famous, or talented among us are the ones who often are the loneliest.  We all want to belong. (Related blog: There’s A Reason They Say It’s Lonely at the Top.)
  2. There’s value in giving each other a second chance.  One of my favorite lines came from Chelsea Handler when she described the “stink eye” that Kathy gave her when they were being introduced at a Hollywood party.  She was off-put at first, but then said to herself, “Oh yeah, that’s probably because she doesn’t yet know I’m a good girl.” I love that!  I love that even when someone else is intimidated, worried, insecure, judgmental, or whatever else might be getting in their way of showing up with love, that Chelsea didn’t take it personally and reminded herself that Kathy doesn’t even yet know her, but assumed she would like her once she knew her.  (Related blog: What We Need Are More Women, Fewer Girls)
  3. We need more than 1 Best Friend.  Did you catch the title they gave Wendy Walker, the best friend of Katie Couric?  It said “One of Katie’s Best Friends.”  I hit this theme a lot in my book that we need more than one BFF. Most of us report being happier and healthier if we feel we have a couple of women in our Committed Circle.
  4. Happiness plays a starring role in our friendships. Chelsea and Kathy certainly have a lot of humor to their friendship, Wendy credits humor to attracting her and Katie to each other, the two older ladies certainly have kept humor as part of their glue with new adventures and “bottles of wine,” and the Saturday Night widows kept hitting that theme over and over, saying the word “fun” countless times. While we celebrate friendship with phrases like “crying on each others shoulders,” what we really want is someone to add joy to our lives.  I devote the entirety of chapter 7 in my book to the subject of positivity because it’s just that important.
  5. Consistency cannot be overrated.  The moment I had the hardest time not interrupting during the show was when Katie asked Thelma and Kay what had kept them together for 74 years and they responded with “We don’t really know.”  But then did you catch what Thelma said next?  “Well… she comes over once a week… and she’s on the top of my prayer list every day.”  Oh how I had to restrain myself from not saying “You may not know how it happened, but I do.  It’s that gift of regularity that friendships are made of.”  (Related blogs: Nothing Kills a Potential Friendship Faster and The Flywheel of Friendship.)
  6. Personality has way less to do with friendship than you think it does. I wanted to jump in an interview the Saturday Night widows after their founder (and author of the book by the same title) Becky Aikman said , “When we first all met I thought it was huge mistake– we were such a mismatch of personalities.” And yet here they are, a group of meaningful friends. Research continues to reveal that we can bond with all kinds of people who we wouldn’t normally think we would choose as friends.  As I highlight in chapter 5 of my book “Be open!”  Related blogs: Go Friend-Fishing with a Net, Not a Line! and Do You Have a Friendship Checklist?
  7. Friends from all 5 Circles of Connectedness are important!  I’d venture to guess that Chelsea & Kathy are Left-Side Friends since they’re somewhat new to each other, that the Saturday Night Widows are more-or-less Common Friends since they all met to share one specific area in common with each other, that the military woman at the end may have been sitting with her Right-Side friends since they all live nearby, do lots together, and show up to support each other in tangible ways, and that Katie & Wendy are either Committed Friends if they talk regularly or at least Confirmed Friends if they stay-in-touch and can pick-up-where-they-left-off.  I’m only guessing to help show the wide spread of friendships that were highlighted– each serving a beautiful and valuable purpose. (Related Blogs: How to Find a Best Friend and Frientimacy: The Intimacy of Friends)

Someday I’ll be on a show where I actually answer questions, teach healthy friendship, and talk for more than 2 minutes.  But until then, I’ll just keep blogging away, teaching workshops, and writing books.  :)

Huge welcome to all my new blog readers who found me today from the Katie Couric show– I look forward to you meeting other awesome women in this community.

 

 

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FREE GIFT FOR YOU TODAY ONLY!

Since Katie handed out a free copy of “Friendships Don’t Just Happen!” to everyone in the audience, let’s spread the love of healthy friendships even more by each buying one copy for a sister, friend, mother, or colleague! Send an Amazon receipt showing the purchase of Shasta’s book, dated 3/12/13, to service@girlfriendcircles.com and we’ll give you a free gift! Indicate in the subject line either workbook or phone call:

Pick one to receive for free!

  1. The 21-Day Making Friendships Happen workbook, is for sale for 14.99 but can be free today!  It is packed full with 21 readings and reflection exercises. This meaty workbook was lovingly written to help readers of the Shasta’s book Friendships Don’t Just Happen! create their own friendship plan. With evaluation worksheets, reflection questions, and journaling prompts, this workbook guides women through their own customized experience.
  2. OR, Free Group Call with Shasta (Value: $19.95):  Shasta will schedule a private group call just for those of you who choose this option!  In this call she will teach a little about friendships, but will also answer any questions you have, doing live Q&A on friendship challenges, subjects like forgiveness and jealousy, plus she’ll give personal advice and help coach you through any friendship issues you’re having! (The call will be recorded in case you can’t make it live!)

So buy a copy of the book today for you or someone else, send the receipt to service@girlfriendcircles.com, put “workbook” or “phone call” in the subject line, and we’ll send you your free gift within 48 hours!

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 34 Comments

What Do I Do With My Toxic Friend?

Posted on March 4, 2013 by ShastaGFC

I’ve so loved doing the book tour as it’s given me such a fabulous opportunity to meet so many of you in person.  Love it!  (A few more are scheduled in SF, Southern Cal, and Seattle.)  At every signing I’ve met amazing pairs and groups of friends who have emphatically said, “We’re friends because of GirlFriendCircles.com!” What joy it has brought my heart!

Isabel and Deirdra became fast friends after meeting each other at a ConnectingCircle in the LA area!

Isabel and Deirdra became fast friends after meeting each other at a ConnectingCircle in the LA area!

My second favorite part of doing the book readings has been the Q&A part that follows after I read a few excerpts from my book Friendships Don’t Just Happen!  I love the spontaneity of hearing what questions people have about friendships, in general, or about challenges in one of their friendships, more specifically.  Some questions get asked repeatedly, so I’m going to dedicate the next several blog posts to answering them. (Happy to take more questions too– what do you wish I had included in the book that I didn’t?  What questions were you left with after reading a certain section? What area of your friendships would you like my advice? Leave any question in the comments and I’ll answer it in an upcoming blog!)

One question that is asked at nearly every gathering is about a toxic friend.

I Don’t Know What To Do With My “Toxic Friend”

In asking me this question, a woman usually starts with some sadness as she says, “I don’t know what to do…” that is then followed by a litany of annoying behaviors that she’s putting up with in a friend, and then usually ends with a statement like “I don’t think I can put up with this toxic friend anymore.”

My first response is always the same, “Have you talked with her about this yet?”

Their response is typically some version of no; followed by their seemingly valid reasons about why a conversation would simply not work. Sometimes the reason is because “she” wouldn’t be able to hear it.  Sometimes it’s because it’s too awkward.  And sometimes, the defensiveness comes with a version of, “I don’t know if it’s worth it.  I just don’t need this kind of drama in my life.”

The Three Parts of a Friendship

SO much to say… and fortunately I say much of it in my book in the 9th chapter on forgiveness where I teach various healthy ways to share our feelings and needs with others and in the 10th chapter where I talk about the damage done to us and others when we label people as toxic.  But there is always more to say!  :)

Today I want to talk about the third entity that is created when two people become friends.  There is always an “us”, a “them”, and the “relationship”.

They are NOT the relationship without us.

In other words, when our needs aren’t being met, we’re quick to assume that it’s “her” fault.  But in actuality, it may be the responsibility of the relationship to actually show up differently.  And that relationship– made up of both us and them– can’t look any different without us showing up differently.

Let me give you an example.  Last week one girl– let’s call her Karen was just so upset her friend, a former roommate, was consistently “insensitive, selfish, and unable to understand her life.” All signs of toxicity, according to Karen.

The crime being committed?  Continuous invitations to late night concerts since the friend could get those tickets through her work.

Those of us not involved in the situation might look at this and think it petty.  But this, my friends, is how it happens to so many of us.

From Karen’s point of view, this behavior meant:

  • That the friend didn’t respect Karen’s demanding job and how early she had to wake up every day.
  • That her friend was needy since she kept reaching out.
  • And, that the friend was self-absorbed since the only invitations she offered had to do with her job where she could get those tickets.

Those are no small feelings.  If we feel like we have  friend who doesn’t respect our job, is too needy for what we can give, and is self-absorbed– then it becomes all too easy to label her as toxic.

But this is a perfect example for pointing out that the behaviors we’re frequently upset about aren’t typically some obvious wrong-doings or friendship betrayals.  Other people looking at just the facts, as we are here in Karen’s situation, might look on and say, “It’s not that bad!”

Indeed, we’re mad because of the meaning we’ve assigned to those behaviors.  In other words, we interpreted them through a lens of unmet needs and concluded more-often-than-not that she must be such things as jealous, selfish, needy, and judgmental. We guessed motive and made assumptions about how she was feeling. From Karen’s vantage point it, the assumptions were right.  As all of us know from personal experience how justified we feel in our frustrations.

I didn’t have the privilege of talking to Karen’s friend in this situation, but what if she just misses her friend that she used to live with and doesn’t see as much anymore?  What if she thinks she’s giving a gift by always giving Karen the first chance to go see a concert?  What if she’s just scared she’s losing a friend she cares about?  I could see someone having very good motives thinking that they are being amazing to keep reaching out even though they know their friend is busy.

And what if Karen’s reaction comes more from just being tired at her job, exhausted at the long hours, resentful for not getting to go out with friends, and feeling bad that she doesn’t have the time for this friend?  Sometimes instead of acknowledging we feel some guilt, it’s easier to blame the other person for being insatiable or needy.

Maybe it’s the Friendship that Needs to Change, Not the Person?

So if we have three entities in a relationship– Karen, the friend, and the friendship– is it possible that neither person is toxic, but that their friendship isn’t currently working. Maybe they are just two women–presumably neither wanting to hurt the other– who haven’t figured out how to have the conversation in that friendship that would help transition them from being roommates to being friends that don’t have as much time anymore?

Maybe it’s not her that’s toxic, but the friendship–the two of them together– that needs work?  And that requires both of them doing something different, but actually then needs to start with Karen since she’s the one who’s feeling frustrated.

My suggestion to Karen, who wasn’t sure she wanted to salvage this friendship because she was pretty resentful by this time, was to give it the chance to grow since so much time and love had already been invested. I always think we owe it not just to the people we’ve loved, but to ourselves–who have to keep practicing these skills of forgiveness, honesty, vulnerability, and conflict management– to have a conversation that allows us to express our needs.

What if we assumed the best about the friend and just said,  “I’m so sorry I’m always saying no to your repeated invitations.  It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with you.  I miss you, too. Thank you for not giving up on us.  Unfortunately, I just can’t do late night concerts with this current job so is there another time we can set up to see each other next week?”

Easy? No. Pain-free? No. Guaranteed to fix everything? No. Comfortable? No. But Karen was willing….

Who are you tempted to label as toxic where it may be a situation of two good people who actually both have good motives but have fallen into a pattern that isn’t working for one or both people?

 

 

Posted in Break Ups, Difficulty & Challenges, Forgiveness, How To? | 27 Comments

Making New Friends in a New City, by Christie Mims

Posted on February 20, 2013 by ShastaGFC

Note from Shasta: I’ve been writing so many guest blogs to celebrate my new book “Friendships Don’t Just Happen!” that I decided I may need to have a few women guest blog for me until I have more words to share!  :)   Soon, I’m goingto start blogging about any questions you have as you read the book, concepts you wish I would unpack more, or anything you wished I would have highlighted– post those questions on our Facebook page and I’ll answer them here! For now, this is Christie Mims– a brand new mover-and-shaker here in the San Francisco area. (Her bio is at the end.)

Christie Mims

That’s Christie on the right, with me and my new book. Hope you enjoy her story of making new friends in a new city… she’s been here for 4 months and has dived in with courage and intention!

 

Making New Friends in a New City, by Christie Mims

I like to think of myself as a fairly cool person who is easy to get to know. I shower regularly, I smile often, I like dogs (I distrust people who don’t like dogs), and I have a passionate love for 1981 (3?) killer movie: “Staying Alive.” There may have only been about five actual pages of dialogue, but boy do the large hair and hand gestures make up for it. John Travolta, you have my endless thanks.

I also love my friends.  Friendship, for a long time, has been one of my most important life values. My friends are like my family. They are my sanity, and the people who give me joy. I try to write, reach out, communicate, drink, and play with my friends as often as possible. And even when they are scattered all over the world,

I will travel to see them when I can. They matter to me.

So, when I decided on a bit of a whim to uproot my revolutionary Career Coaching business from DC to San Francisco, I thought I would be fine.  My business is global, so it would be easy, right?

Sure, a lot of my friends were in DC, “but – I’ve got friends all over the world!” I thought to myself jauntily as I packed up my car, fresh from a trip to Germany to see some of said friends.

“I’ll be fine!” I said as I drove across country with my mom “I’ve got two amazing friends already in SF, plus all the people I’m sure I’ll meet. It’ll be great!”

“I’m good at staying in touch over email!” I said as I unpacked my stuff, alone in my new apartment for the first time.

“I’ll hang out with my friends here all the time!” I thought, as I sat around wondering what to do with myself…knowing that one of my friends was a new mom, and the other was deep in the throes of an all-consuming start-up.

Making New Friends isn’t as Easy as it Sounds

And then it hit me.

I was alone in a new city, far from home and in an inconvenient time zone.  When I was lonely at night in my new home, my east coast friends were fast asleep (to say nothing of the Europeans).  And my friends here, while AMAZING, are pretty busy and not that close to me in terms of location. The bay area is bigger than I realized (I’m really terrible with geography…I blame the US school system. Also, who needs algebra? Really?).

The truth is that it was awful.

Weekends were the worst – I had full days stretching in front of me with nothing but time, and no one to share that time with.  And, I was also working hard on my business, stretching out of my comfort zone, building up my visibility in San Francisco, and learning about the city and the culture.  It was exhausting, and at the end of the day, I just wanted to be with someone who knew me. Who would come over for a glass of wine and watch bad tv and talk about boys or shoes.

I was lonely.

I was sad.

And I felt so lost.

But I Made My Friendships Happen!

So I did what I know how to do.  I networked (I’m from DC, it’s what we do). At events with women.  Hoping that maybe I would meet someone cool, and at minimum I would make business connections.  I reached out.  I introduced myself awkwardly and invited people to lunch or coffee.

I stalked some people over email if I thought we would hit it off.

I signed myself up for Shasta’s Friendship Accelerator (Note from Shasta: see below for description of these workshops!), hoping that I would at least kill some time on a lonely Saturday, and thinking it would probably teach me something interesting. I told myself I needed to smile a lot and enjoy the city that I chose.

And I kept doing it.

It was not easy.  Most of the time, especially in the beginning, it wasn’t even particularly fun.

But I was open to it.  And cognizant of the fact that friendship has to start somewhere – and I needed to keep pushing myself out there so I would go from random coffees to full on friends.  Friendship, as Shasta sagely says, is based on consistency and intimacy.  You need to have both to have close friends.

So I threw myself into weekly dinners with my accelerator group.

I set up regular card nights with old and new friends (trying to integrate groups!).

I asked friends to introduce me to their friends in the area.

I joined new meetups and  organizations such as A Band of Wives (abusing google search in my attempts to find all possibilities).

And I kept going back.

I’ve been in the Bay Area now for roughly four months.  My social life, which felt a little like a broken puzzle when I first arrived, is now starting to snap into focus.

I’ve got friends, and plans, and some consistency with the friends and plans in my life. It matters. I remember when I had a week in the fall where I spent time with old and new friends almost every night, and at the end of it I felt like a new person.  It honestly impacted my health, and made making friends here an even bigger priority in my life.

I feel like I finally made it…and I’m so grateful to be building a life.

I know how difficult it is to just land, so, if you are new to the city – shoot me an email, I’m happy to have a glass of wine and say hello!  And if you are in another city, spend some time to get out there and connect with interesting new people.  Most importantly don’t give up – you’ll get there.  I did (and if I did, anyone can do it. I mean, I love Stayin’ Alive, so that is one strike against me :) )!

——————

About Christie:  Christie holds a BA from the University of Virginia, a MA from the University of Kent, Brussels School of International Studies, and is a certified mediator and certified professional coach. Feeling stuck in your job and want free concrete ways to get UNstuck? Get Christie’s free kit here at The Revolutionary Club! And see what else she’s doing that is unprecedented over here!

About Friendship Accelerators: I (Shasta) facilitate Friendship Accelerators which are small groups of  women that I’ve matched for potential friendship who commit to attend seven hours of a friendship-workshop and group-bonding day, followed by 4 weekly get-togethers as a group. In one month, these groups experience more bonding than what most of us can do over a year with women we’ve met. They’ve been fabulously successful with the majority of women saying the value of the workshop alone was worth it, but how thrilled they are that nearly 80% of the groups are still meeting months after their commitment ended!  This is by far the most effective way I’ve yet seen to introduce women to each other and give them the best chance ever to foster local friendships that matter. I’m considering possible Accelerators in San Francisco, Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, and Seattle the coming months– but will decide bases on where I have the most interest so sign up here to indicate your interest in being notified if I host a Friendship Accelerator near you!

 

Posted in Consistency, Guest Blogs, How To?, Making Friends | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments