Matchmaker Advice: How to Attract & Bond

I am fascinated by the similarities, and differences, of romantic and platonic relationships. This Valentines Day, I thought it would be fun to inspire our friendships a bit by interviewing a professional Matchmaker to see how we can improve all our relationships. 

Joy Nordenstrom, a certified matchmaker shares tips that can help our friendships, too!

Joy Nordenstrom is the Founder of Joy of Romance, Inc. and Chemistry of Connection.  She’s a relationship coach, certified matchmaker, love story preservationist and romantic event planner. 

Shasta: We often treat romantic and platonic relationships as filling two different needs, but in some ways they can speak to the same human need, right?

Joy: Yes, all relationships speak to our need to belong.

Positive Psychologist Christopher Peterson’s research found having healthy relationships with family, friends, and coworkers turns out to be the strongest predictor of happiness, and often health, in most studies on human wellbeing. In a study detailed in an article titled “To Belong is to Matter: Sense of Belonging Enhances Meaning in Life,” the authors found:

“… correlational, longitudinal, and experimental evidence that a sense of belonging predicts how meaningful life is perceived to be.”

So in short, to belong equates in our mind to having meaning in life: If I matter to others, my life matters.

That sense of belonging can be found both in our intimate partnership and in our purely friendship driven relationships.

We’ve been studying and prioritizing romantic relationships for longer than friendships so I am always fascinated by the idea of what we can learn from those relationships that might be helpful to our friendships.

Anything that jumps out to you about how we attract others?

Absolutely.  Whether it’s for romance or friendship, we still have to attract each other and connect. So when I work with my single clients to help them get ready for finding a partner, there is an exercise I have created to help them get into the right mental and emotional mindset to exude an air of self-confidence, positivity and receptivity.

It is inspired by my favorite quote:

“Do one thing every day that scares you.” – Eleanor Roosevelt.

Taking action in the direction of what pushes you a little, or a lot, out of your comfort zone helps create in your brain a chemistry similar to being in lust or the early stages of falling in love.

With the Scary Things’ Exercise, I ask an individual to work with the process for a minimum of 21 days in a row, in order to begin establishing a habit. The essence of the exercise is to be mindful and challenge yourself to do something a little out of your comfort zone every day.

All that we know about facial gestures and body language combined with neurosciences, shows us that what’s happening in our minds is being broadcast to others through our face and body. Once someone looks at us our spindle cells and mirror neurons wire us to connect and for them to “feel” to some extent what is internally happening for us.

Note that as humans, we gravitate towards individuals who are fascinating, curious and have a zest for life. In short, whether for romance or friendship, we want to be in relationships with those who are interesting and happy.

Love that!  That philosophy of staying engaged with life so that we’re “more interesting and more interested in others” leads to a mindset that opens us to more connection.

And then, when we’re with someone we are open to connecting with, what is one behavior we can be mindful to practice that can help our interaction?

Well, one easy tip is to know the impact of left eye gazing because our success in bonding resides in our ability to put others at ease.

You mean looking at their left eye?

Well if you gaze from right eye to right eye, it activates the left side of the brain, the side that analyzes, picks things apart, and looks for ways to get something out of the person or situation. Your facial expressions harden and become more intense. I call this the used car salesman gaze. Subconsciously, it makes the other person uncomfortable. This may be good as a tactic for hardcore negotiation but not for the art of connecting.

But when you engage in a gaze with someone utilizing your left eye you are tapping into the right side of your brain allowing you to access your full emotive self. With a left eye to left eye gaze, your mind will concentrate on where there is synergy and how you can work together. By gradually turning your face to the right, even by 5-10 percent, your left eye becomes more dominant. When you gaze at someone with your left eye, the corners of your mouth and the wrinkles around your eyes soften making the person you are looking at feel more at ease.

Again, the more someone is at ease, the easier it is for two people to feel safe, accepted, and be receptive to bonding.

Joy, thank you for sharing this wisdom about how we can attract others by paying attention to our own growth and exploration and connect with others by something as simple as left eye gazing.

May we all continue to pursue our human need of belonging in the healthiest and most intentional ways possible!

Want to connect more with Joy? Follow her on Twitter at @JoyofRomance or on her Joy of Romance Facebook page.

Posted in How To?, Interviews, Making Friends, Research | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Shasta’s Sharing Questions for Group Get-Togethers

This month, in GirlFriendCircles we’re teaching “How to Plan a Meaningful Gathering” because we all know that there is a BIG difference between entertaining vs. engaging.

Why We Need Sharing Questions

What we don’t want are more stressful or small-talk filled nights with people.  What we do want are more gatherings where we feel "When planning a gathering, always start by asking "how do I want it to feel?" and then plan to that desired outcome.seen, loved, and connected.  But, unfortunately, those are too far and few between these days for the vast majority of us.  So this month we’re all committing to plan one meaningful night with friends we want to know better! (You can join us— a class, supportive community, free advice, etc.)

A really important part of helping women connect is giving them the time and space to do it in a meaningful and structured way. For that reason we love Sharing Questions—they allow everyone to share, provide a focus of what to talk about (otherwise we end up talking about politics, TV shows, or the weather, instead of about us!), and help ensure that women start to feel like they know each other (as well as allowing each woman to be heard and feel seen).

Answering these questions is fun! They not only ensure that each of us has the opportunity to share, but they also focus our conversations on us rather than about celebrity gossip, news, movies, or our jobs and families.

How to Facilitate Group Sharing

Our sharing is shaped by so many things: how well we already know each other, the size of our group, the purpose of our gathering, and how much time is available, but here are a few fun ways to add Sharing Questions into your gatherings:

  1. Pick one question and go around the circle for everyone to answer.
  2. If your group is small and there’s plenty of time to share, have each person pick one question that everyone answers (so you’re answering as many questions as there are attendees, with everyone picking one question and answering all of them).
  3. Print and cut apart the questions and put them in a hat that is passed around the circle with each person drawing out a different question to answer.
  4. If the group is large, invite women to get into groups of 3 and give them 20 minutes to answer as many of the questions together as possible.

(Here are other tips for facilitating a group discussion.)

Sample Sharing Questions

If you’re with people who know each other fairly well, here are some of my favorites:

• What is the one thing you want less of in your life right now? And one thing you want more of?

• What title would you give to the current chapter of your life? Why?

• What is one thing you love about your current job/role and one thing you would change if you could?

• In what way(s) are you similar to and/or different from one of your parents (or other family member)?

• What were you like in high school? And if you could go back and tell yourself one thing– what would it be?

• What is one thing coming up in your life that matters?

• And, of course, my all time favorite question: What is a highlight and low light in the last week/month?

If you’re with people who don’t know each, here are some of my favorites (best ones are loosely connected to why the group is getting together):

• Share with us your name and how you know _______  (i.e. me–the host, the birthday girl, the bride-to-be) –where we met/how we’ve become friends.

• Share with us your name and one thing you did this last summer (or over the holidays/fall/spring) that stood out.

• Share with us your name, and tell us what you do for work, but more importantly, tell us what part of your work/job energizes you the most these days.

• Share with us your name, and because we’re here celebrating x holiday, share with us one memory you have of a previous one. (St. Patrick’s Day, Valentines, etc.)

•Share with us your name, and because we’re gathering to meet new friends, share with us how one of your closest friends would introduce you– how would they describe you?

• Share with us your name , and because we are all ____ (i.e. on this sports team, on PTA, part of this association) tell us what inspired you to join this group and why it feels important to you.

The real value of a Sharing Question is less about the exact question and more about letting everyone share and be seen– it helps us feel closer to each other even if we don’t end up having a 1:1 conversation with each person.  Plus, it gives us the beginning of a conversation thread that we can pick up and continue when we run into that person later.

If you’re not practiced at leading Sharing Questions it might feel uncomfortable at first. But remember: feeling awkward doesn’t mean it’s “bad” to do it– it just means we’re not very practiced yet.  So let’s practice!  🙂

What have been your experiences in groups that initiate group sharing vs. just mingling or letting only a few share? And please share other questions you’ve used and loved– let’s compile a list!

Posted in Events, Girls Night, Group Friendships, How To?, Practical Ideas, Vulnerability | Tagged , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

The Secret to Moving from Acquaintances to Friends

We learn so much through sharing our stories!  Thanks to Katrina Emery for interviewing a GirlFriendCircles.com member, Jan Link, about what she’s experiencing in her friend-making process that can inspire all of us!

When Jan retired three years ago and moved back to the Midwest, she was going home. After 40 years away, though, home didn’t come with many friends anymore.  Three years after she came back to her small town in Wisconsin, near the Minnesota border, she still hadn’t met many people to call for a fun day out or lunch date.

“I felt like I should go stand on a street corner with a sign that said, ‘I need friends,’ ” she laughs. When she joined GirlfriendCircles she hoped that would change everything. She signed up and met a few new people, but found herself right back to where she started. Nothing seemed to stick.

She wasn’t sure what was wrong. “I knew I didn’t have any trouble with vulnerability,” she says, pointing out that, “Who I am is what you get!” So she participated in some of the GirlFriendCircles classes and when she listened to “The 3 Requirements to Starting Friendships” she had an ah-ha moment: she needed more consistency with her new friendships.

“I wasn’t being as consistent as I needed to be. I’d meet friendly acquaintances, but I couldn’t get it to blossom from there by just getting together occasionally.” Knowing she needed to give more regular time to new friendships in order to create the momentum that leads to bonding, she decided to commit to growing a group of local friends, using the GirlFriendCircles site and also going beyond. “I made posters and flyers inviting women to join in fun activities, and stuck them everywhere: grocery store, health store, church, the next few towns over, gyms, even gas stations (everyone needs gas!). Every month I put out 15 posters, and I change them up.”

Now, a group of 15 ladies consistently get together several times a month, and it’s still growing. “The girls love it so much,” Jan says. Most of the group is ladies around her own age, retired, some widowed. “With exits and losses, we all need more friends through life changes,” Jan says. “Having someone nearby to go shopping with is so important.”

The group started out once a month, but Jan quickly realized that even that wasn’t enough consistency to really feel close to each other. Now they meet 2-3 times a month, and often without her needing to organize it. They host craft groups, go shopping or out to lunch, and have a regular Bunco game night. Once a month Jan makes breakfast and has everyone over. She’s proud of the fact that they consistently show up, given the distance at times: “In Wisconsin, if someone has to travel over 9 miles, they really have to think about it!”

Jan’s learned a lot about the value of consistency over the course of the group. She had joined a few committees at her church, but since they meet only once every three months, it just wasn’t enough. She plans on urging for more, and volunteering to be a contact and advocate for people who have just moved to the area. From being a new transplant herself, she know what’s it’s like.

Her advice to anyone trying to make friends is to keep getting in touch: “I hear a lot that I reached out and didn’t get any replies. I don’t take it personally if that happens to me,” she says. “Try again. Be consistent. Plenty of people are more than willing to talk.”

Her group of ladies is strong and growing, and they often express appreciation for Jan’s part. “It’s so rewarding, every time they thank me. But it’s all of them: I’m so inspired by them.”

All women are invited to join GirlFriendCircles.com for monthly classes, local events, and new friends!

Posted in Consistency, GFC Member Stories, Group Friendships, Guest Blogs, Interviews, Making Friends, Practical Ideas | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

What’s REALLY Behind Your New Goal?

Want to lose weight?

Want to make more money?

Want to get married?

Want to write that book?

We have beautiful goals and hopes outlined for the New Year, but in this video blog today I invite you to look and see if this one sneaky, but common, motivation isn’t the thing behind your goal?

And if it is… what can you do to invest more in what you actually want instead of investing in the path you hope will eventually end there?

Leave a comment to encourage each other what we’ve learned from our own past– Have you ever accomplished something only to be disappointed that it didn’t lead to the feeling that you had hoped? Or, have you ever invested in really pursuing the actual connection you most wanted? What did you learn?

Because what I want for all of us is that we accomplish our very best FROM a place of knowing we’re loved and supported, rather than from an unrecognized attempt to prove we’re good enough to be loved and supported.

xoxo

2017: THE YEAR OF COURAGEOUS CONNECTING.  And if you’re interested in joining hundreds of women this year as we invest our energy in creating more belonging in our life– now’s the time to commit because we’re giving you over $180 worth of savings and bonuses ON TOP of everything you receive in our community!  YAY!  Join GirlFriendCircles.com by Jan 28 to commit to a year of meeting friends and making better friendships!

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Posted in Making Friends, Personal Growth/Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The ONE Thing More Important than Diet & Exercise

This is the time of year when we are increasingly motivated to stop smoking, cut back on alcohol, try that 30-day-no-sugar diet, commit to some form of a detox, join a gym, or buy a pair of running shoes.

If that’s you…. if you want greater health in the year to come, then keep reading.

Q.  Do you really know what impacts your health more than any other factor?

A.  The most significant issue to your health is your experience of love and support in your life.

Did you read that right?  Yes.

As someone who has been following relationship studies for over a decade, I can you assure that study after study continues to showcase that our social connections increase our longevity, decrease our stress levels, boost our immune systems, recover us from surgery and sickness faster, protect our brain health, and protect us from disease and death.

Consider some of these statements from world-renowned Dr. Dean Ornish in his book Love and Survival:

“I am not aware of any other factor [than social connection]–not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery–that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness, and premature death from all causes.”

Amazing, isn’t it?? “Quality of life, incidence of illness, and premature death from all causes” doesn’t come down to genetics or healthy behaviors as much as it does to how well we can answer the question, “How loved and supported do you feel?”

Illustrating that point, one of the many studies he highlights followed over 7,000 people over the span of nearly 2 decades; and found that while those with healthy lifestyles and strong social ties were the least likely to die, it may surprise many to know that those with close social ties and unhealthy lifestyles outlived those with healthy lifestyles but poor social ties!

Let that sink in… you’re better off cultivating stronger relationships than you are in joining a gym, eating more kale, or cutting out sugar. He says,

“This association between social and community ties and premature death was found to be independent of and a more powerful predictor of health and longevity than age, gender, race, socioeconomic status, self-reported physical health status, and health practices such as smoking, alcoholic beverage consumption, overeating, physical activity, and utilization of preventative health services….”

And when we say “better off,” let’s be clear what we mean: you are 3-5 times more likely to die if you don’t feel loved and supported.

One famous study from Brigham Young University I quote all the time reminds us that feeling disconnected is as harmful as smoking 15 cigarettes a day, twice as damaging as being obese, and has an impact on our health equivalent to being a lifelong alcoholic.

Those who feel disconnected have an increased risk of premature death and disease from all causes!  That includes dying or suffering from coronary heart disease, stroke, cancer, respiratory diseases, gastrointestinal diseases, infectious diseases, allergies, autoimmune diseases, many types of cancer, alcoholism, suicide, and the list goes on and on. And we’re not just talking about preventing disease or maintaining health, but also for recovery and life-lengthening:

“Smoking, diet, and exercise affect a wide variety of illnesses, but no one has shown that quitting smoking, exercising, or changing diet can double the length of survival in women with metastatic breast cancer, whereas the enhanced love and intimacy provided by weekly group support session has been shown to do just that.”

Across the board, whether you’re merely trying to prevent or recover from the common cold, lower your cholesterol levels, or prevent a heart attack–moving away from loneliness and building your support network is crucial to your survival.

Are You At Risk?

I believe we’re living in an epidemic of unacknowledged loneliness.

Which is incredibly dangerous because we assume that since we’re not hermits, recluses, or socially isolated that we’re safe; when in fact, most of us don’t feel the level of intimacy and support that actually creates that safety.

How true are these statements in your life? How many times can you answer “yes?”

  • If I needed a ride to the hospital, I have a friend who doesn’t live with me whom I could call instead of relying on a taxi or ambulance.
  • If my current closest confidante was physically or emotionally “unavailable” for a season of life (super sick, intensive caring for an aging parent, extra travel for work, wrapped up in planning a wedding), I have at least two other close friends who could be “present.”
  • If I experienced a financial need, I have a friend that could loan me the money I needed.
  • If I were excited and wanted to share my big dream or ambitious goal with someone, I have a friend who would be thrilled to hear from me.
  • If I needed to list a local emergency contact, other than a spouse, parent, or child, I have at least two options I feel comfortable listing.
  • If my closest friend and I had a big fight, I am completely confident that we could work it out because we’ve talked through many difficult things before.
  • If I had a big celebration in my life– a birthday, a job promotion, a wedding, a baby shower– I can think of a couple of friends who would be happy to host and plan the event.
  • If I needed to be completely raw, messy, unguarded, and vulnerable with a friend who I know loves me completely, I know who to call.
  • If I won a paid vacation for me and 3 friends– my biggest problem would be picking which of my friends to come with me.

For the vast majority of us, we are immensely networked, but will struggle to answer yes to most of these questions. And of those who can answer yes, even fewer will be able to say that they aren’t dependent on only 1-2 friends for all those needs.

A safety net of love and support must be developed, it never just happens.

Unfortunately, most of us will read this data and still pour more time into our diet and exercise than we will in developing deeper relationships.

Why?  Partly because our doctors are trained more in surgery and medicine than they are in relationships so their well-meant advice will lean that way; partly because our culture is addicted to weight-loss and appearance over health and longevity so our tendency will be to focus on the things that change our looks more than improve our body function; and partly because diet and exercise is so much more tangible, immediate, and controllable than relationship building can feel.

The role of relationships in our health won’t get as much press as diets and fads to help you lose the proverbial ten pounds, but let’s not let magazine headlines dictate what we know to be true.

Please, please, listen to the science and align your life– your time, your energy, your resources– to that which proves to not only bring MUCH greater health but also greater happiness.

2017:  To a Year of Courageous Connecting!

xoxo

p.s. If you are willing to commit to making 2017: The Year of Courageous Connecting then I extend a warm and genuine invitation to you to join GirlFriendCircles.com this year so you can:

  • Focus on a new relationship theme every month for 12 months (i.e. how to increase vulnerability, how to make time for friends, how to meet new friends)
  • Learn from relationship experts in a fun monthly 1-hr class, including a  worksheet to apply the teaching in your own relationships.
  • Choose a Courageous Practice each month to build up your relationship muscles to meet new friends and make your friendships better!
  • Receive lots of sisterhood support throughout each month, including live advice calls with me, local events to meet others who live nearby, awesome online interaction in our community of women who are committed to relationship growth, and virtual groups with deepening conversations!

You can join anytime, but we have special New Year deal available right now to those who are willing to put the stake in the ground and say “This matters.  I’m going to align my life for more meaningful connections this year!”  JOIN US!  xoxo

 

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Posted in Exercise & Yoga, Health, Research | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments