Five Questions to Ask Before Ending a Friendship

Posted on June 15, 2013 by ShastaGFC

Not all friendships last forever, in fact only about 1 in 12 friends end up being lifetime friends.  And even those friendships have to change and become something new many times over as we all go through various life stages and moves.  But all friendships are meant to enhance our lives and teach us new ways of loving people even if they don’t last forever so we want to learn how to leave people better for having spent time with us.

Very few people are actually “toxic” (a word we’re throwing around waaay too easily these days!) but that is not to say that the friendship we co-created with them might not be meeting our needs anymore.

If we’re starting to entertain the idea of our friend being toxic, then is a good time to pause and answer the 5 questions below, as in many cases we’re not so much mad at her for obvious wrong-doings she’s done as much as we are disappointed at the unspoken expectations we have of her that she didn’t live up to. We’re just as likely to call a friend “toxic” for not calling us enough (“I always have to do all the work in our relationship!”) as we are for a friend who calls too much (“She’s insatiable!  She makes me feel guilty that I have a life and can’t talk every day!)

Seeing that it often has less to do with their actions and more to do with our expectations and current needs reminds us that there is room for mature conversations to help grow the friendship into something that brings joy to both individuals!

The Five Friendship Threats

The five friendship threats that I highlight in my book Friendships Don’t Just Happen! are: blame, jealousy, judgment, neglect, and non-reciprocation.

Those five threats are the umbrella that every specific story of friendship frustration falls under, whether the judgment stems from us thinking she’s dating the wrong guy or that we interpret her canceling our plans as “selfish.”  And, unfortunately, they can’t all be avoided.  The truth is that we’re human, we have expectations of each other, and we have needs we want filled so we’re bound to experience these threats from time-to-time.

What we can do is be aware that some frustration and disappointment is normal in relationships, that we’re just as likely to be the subject of her annoyance as she is ours, and that the most important thing in these moments is deciding how we can best respond in ways that grow our friendship.

Five Questions to Ask Before Letting the Threats Lead to Demise:

Here are four questions that maturity invites us to ask before getting so frustrated with someone who we’re more likely to walk away than to be willing to repair a friendship to something more meaningful than we’ve ever before experienced:

  1. How can I show up a little more thoughtfully? Let’s first assume there is something we could do to enhance this friendship even if we feel she is the problem—what comes to mind?  In other words—she may be jealous and we don’t want to play smaller to avoid her jealousy, but could we affirm her more?  If we feel neglected, can we write her an email and say, “I miss you.  Can we schedule some time together?” Go past asking if she deserve it, and just simply brainstorm what could be done if you had to do something?
  2. Have I asked her what she needs?  While the next two questions are super important in helping us articulate what we need, I sometimes find that providing space to ask her what we could do in our relationship to bring her more happiness is a fabulous way to often change the dynamic. If we sense she’s jealous or that she expects too much of us, sometimes simply allowing for that space to ask her can diffuse the problem, helping both of us navigate a path where we both feel more heard.  Maybe some form of, “I’m sensing that you’re pulling away a bit (or feeling frustrated when we talk).. maybe I’m imaging it… But, I wanted to check in with you to see if there was anything I could do differently in our friendship to make it more meaningful for you right now?”  We often skip this step out of fear of hearing that we’re not meeting a need or fear that we can’t, or don’t want to, meet the need we’ll hear, but I’ve found that there is way less anger on both sides after she feels like we care enough to ask.  And it’s completely acceptable to respond with a “Oh how I wish I could be that for you, but honestly I can’t give that kind of time right now.  I am so sorry! Does it help that I’m still willing to x?”
  3. What is it I actually want from her?  For example, if we feel that we’re always the one giving more than the other (non-reciprocation), then pause and ask ourselves—what is it I actually want or need?  If she just noticed what I gave and thanked me, would that be enough?  Or is there a specific area I need her to give to me more?  Or do I need to know what I do for her that means the most so I don’t waste my time or money giving to her in ways that aren’t all that important to her? When I’m upset that I’m over-giving, is it because she’s asking for too much or because I’m simply giving too much? What do I think I really need from her?  And try to answer it with specificity, but also with knowing the root reason.  In other words, instead of just saying ,”I need her to be there for me more,” try to say, “I need her to call me at least once a week… because what I really need is to know that I matter to her and that she’s thinking of me….”
  4. Have I already asked her for what I need? We so often end friendships without taking the time to let the other person know what we need or how we feel.  It doesn’t always have to be some big and difficult conversation as much as just some guidance where we can tell the other what’s more meaningful to us. If we feel frequently feel judged when she gives advice or opinions, then it’s appropriate to say, “I just need a friend to listen right now.  I don’t need anyone to try to fix this.”  If we feel like she’s jealous of our activities and feels left out, then we can follow-up her silence or passive-aggressive statement with, “Are you okay? I just had this feeling like maybe I’ve upset you somehow?  I’d be so open to talking about it!”
  5. What could forgiveness look like in this situation? Sometimes, forgiveness means letting go of how we want someone to be in our lives and learning to love and enjoy them just as they are, trusting that they’ll keep growing and maturing along the way.  But sometimes forgiveness also means setting boundaries or limiting our exposure to those who have hurt us.  In this case, if it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, what kind of friendship might we still be able to enjoy?

If we feel we’ve owned our part, shown up with compassion and love for her own needs, and asked for what we’ve needed from the other and not gotten it– then it may be time to let this friendship drift apart a bit.

Posted in "Toxic" Friends, Break Ups, Difficulty & Challenges, Forgiveness, How To? | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

This Friendship Is Going Negative: What Do I Do?

Posted on June 7, 2013 by ShastaGFC

So my last blog post obviously hit a nerve. It is now the #1 post of the last 3 months, beating out popular posts–such as Reflections on my Katie Couric Interview and What Do I Do with My Toxic Friend?– two posts that have been up for months.  We are apparently very interested in this subject of how to respond to the negative people in our lives!

Two Different Frameworks for Evaluating the ‘Negative’ People in Our Lives

So, as promised, I am going to share with you two frameworks of how to deal with the friendships that feel negative in our lives. This is a long blog, but I really wanted to cover at least two different paradigms and examples… hope it’s helpful!

While we feel so much more mature than we were as children, the truth is that we still get on each others nerves. Now we use language like toxic, negative, and un-healthy to label each other. *photo from irisclasson.com*

While we feel so much more mature than we were as children, the truth is that we still get on each others nerves. Now we use language like toxic, negative, and un-healthy to label each other.  *photo from irisclasson.com*

Just so we’re clear– I’m not writing about criminals, drug abusers, mental issues, or those who are willfully hurting us; but rather the vast majority of women that we’ve called friends at one time or another but now tend to use words such as toxic, negative, or selfish to describe them.  While we can all point out that there will always be a very clear “black and white” to the two extremes of who we can each have in our lives at different times, my desire here is to challenge us to look at what Kathy, in her comments on the previous post called, the “gray area.”  The gray area being people who may not be un-safe to us, but certainly may be annoying, depressed, insecure, self-obsessed, distracted, or negligent.

1.  FRAMEWORK 1: Know the Different Types of Relationships So You Create Appropriate Expectations

I don’t have room here to cover the entire 5 Circles of Connectedness which highlight the 5 different types of friendships, but basically our most casual of friendships are on the far Left-Side (Contact Friends) and the most intimate and consistent of our friendships are on the far Right-Side (Commitment Friends). I cover this in the most depth in my book but a quick overview can be found on this blog.

5 types of friends image

What’s helpful about understanding the various types of friends is that when we do an honest assessment of whether our friend is truly a Committed Friend (someone we’ve built up meaningful history with over a long period of time, they are active in many areas of our lives, we are as transparent as possible with them) or perhaps is a Common Friend (maybe someone we’ve only known for a couple of months, someone we are only close to in one area of our life, etc.) it helps us answer the question: Do I have unrealistic expectations on this friendship?

I’ve observed many women not having a strong Right-Side of close friendships who then place those needs onto friendships on the Left-Side.  In other words, just because she’s one of your closest friends doesn’t mean you’ve developed the friendship that warrants the expectations and demands.  A good question to ask: “Am I blaming her for x because I want her to be a Committed Friend but in reality we are still Common Friends?”

Furthermore, it helps me see my commitment to the relationship.  If she’s in a dark and needy space and she’s my Committed Friend then I am truly committed to going through that phase with her even if she doesn’t act healthy, positive, and supportive for a long season.  I can do this because we have a history together that reminds me that this isn’t who she is permanently and I know that this is the call to relationships– to be there for each other, even when it comes with some drama and emotion.  But if she’s a Contact or Common Friend acting this way then a)  it may seem more like a red flag because we don’t have enough history for me to accurately assess how she’s acting now from how I know she’s capable of acting, and b) we, quite frankly, don’t have the same obligation/commitment to each other to be there for each other in the same ways.

Being clear what type of friendship the two of you have developed helps you better see how invested you are in this relationship and what expectations are fair. What you are willing to give, or put up with, in a Committed Friend might be different from what you are willing to do for a Common Friend.

For me, if whining and complaining is the grievance, for a Committed Friend it would be completely appropriate (though maybe not enjoyable or energizing– so I need to make sure I’m getting enough of that in other close relationships during this season) for them to call me any time of night or day and sound like a crazy person sobbing and saying irrational things.  But while that would not be acceptable behavior for any friend of mine on the Left-Side, I would be willing to give them the space to monopolize the conversation during a scheduled lunch get-together and I’d give them a pass on complaining… for a time.

Does that differentiation make sense? It means we don’t have to cut everyone out of our lives when they are needy and depressed and hurting, but neither does it mean that we’re expected to put up with everything from everyone.

2.  FRAMEWORK 2: Know the Definition of Friendship so You Can Repair and Assess

This evaluation method also helps us decide which relationships to move along the Continuum so that you are choosing to nurture the friendships that are healthiest, minimizing the chances of having high-drama and unhealthy behaviors in your Right-Side friendships.

The definition of friendship, put out by Dr. Paul Dobransky, that I highlight in my book on pages 128 & 129 is  that friendship is “consistent, mutual, shared positive experience.”  He says that when a friendship is failing it is because one of these four required qualities is missing.  I have almost an entire chapter devoted to each of those concepts but basically a friendship needs to have repeated time together, be seen by both as a friendship, include increased vulnerability, and ultimately add more joy than stress to your life.

For our purposes here, how this definition helps me is to realize at least two things:

1) These are not simply qualities that she possesses or not, but they are behaviors that we together have either developed or not. Here, we are evaluating the friendship– the pattern and dynamic between the two of us– not the person.  We’re recognizing that something doesn’t feel good between us– but that’s not the same as saying that every relationship this person has in their life is identical to our experience.  While we may find that they do something annoying, it’s also possible that had we been more honest up front or set different expectations, that this dynamic wouldn’t have been created. We hold for that possibility by assessing the interaction, not the individual. Which means it’s possible we could do something different and shift the experience of the relationship.

2) It also informs me that if there are relationships that don’t meet those requirements then it doesn’t necessarily mean that I can’t have those people in my life, rather it just means I don’t want them to be on my Right-Side.

How These Frameworks Inform My Response

Knowing these two frameworks (both in greater detail in my book) helps us:

  1. Assess the current relationship experience– what type of friend is this and which of the 4 qualities are most lacking?
  2. Figure out what needs be repaired so we can show up differently to see if that helps.
  3. Identify the investment/depth of the relationship so we can decide if it’s worth an honest conversation (confrontation though awkward can be the best gift we learn to give to friends on our Right-Side where we should be willing to try “everything” before letting the friendship just dissolve.
  4. Decide if we can just move these relationships to the Left-Side (see them less often, confide in them less, have fewer expectations) rather than cut them out of our lives.

That’s all I have time for today (You’d think I was writing an entirely new book with as much as I have to say! Ha!) but I’ll keep writing on this– next time I’ll share 5 questions you should ask before ending a friendship.

Have a great weekend!

Are these helpful? What jumped out at you? How have you seen these concepts play out in your life? How could these have helped your past relationships? I love hearing your feedback so it’s more of a conversation.  Jump in!  :)

 

 

Posted in "Toxic" Friends, Break Ups, Circles of Connectedness, Difficulty & Challenges | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Is “Get Rid of Negative People in My Life” Good Advice?

Posted on May 28, 2013 by ShastaGFC

Please note:  This post isn’t intended to speak about the cases that include mental disorders, criminals, drug abusers, or those who are willfully hurting us.  The intention of the post is to speak to the vast majority of relationships we are walking away from, without conversation or efforts to enforce our boundaries, because we write them off simply as being “negative.”

This is a two-part blog, in my next one I’ll talk about how to approach friendships we feel are unhealthy, but I want to write this prerequisite post to help clarify the difference between the roles of friends in our lives versus others with whom we’re called to still live beside.

—————–

There is something in my soul that stirs with a dis-ease every time I hear some form of the increasingly popular advice: “Only surround yourself with positive people. Get rid of negative people!”

Good Advice? “Only Surround Yourself with Positive People”

It can be found in little cute quote boxes shared everywhere on Facebook saying things like “People inspire you, or they drain you. Pick wisely.”  It’s advice that is freely given from self-help experts with little explanation other than what sounds like a command, “If their presence can’t add value to your life, then their absence will make no difference.”  It comes in many well-intending forms, all with the goal of making us better people: “Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.”

We’ve actually been hearing this barrage for so long now that I suspect most of us just accept these quotables as irrevocable truth. But these single-sentence aphorisms can be misleading at best, damaging at worst.

Needy People in Our Lives

The question isn’t whether we let needy or depressed people into our lives.  The question is how much do we let them in, and for what purpose.

The truth is that we have to learn to be around hurting people– not only because it’s unrealistic that we can avoid them, but how else will we serve this world with what we each have to offer?  We can, and must, be around people who judge, whine, attack, and defend. We’re related to some of them, we work for some of them, and sometimes we have been or are those people. The more important issue is whether we’re counting on these individuals to be our closest friends.

Our friends– the handful of people we choose to let close to our hearts–must fulfill the four requirements of friendship by being, more often than not, a) consistent b) contributing c) self-revealing, and d) positive.  You clarify those quotes above with the words “closest friends” instead of “people” and I won’t squirm. (Or at least not as much… truthfully, even our friends can’t always be all those things without there being misunderstandings and hurt feelings at times. But… I’m okay with us striving toward those qualities with our inner circle.)

But before we evaluate our friendships in the next post, let us own what is ours to own: We are not victims to other people’s’ pain. We are healers. Ultimately it’s around hurting people who we’re meant to be around, each of us giving the gift that is ours to give to those who need it.

This isn’t a world made up of friends and enemies, rather it’s a world of friends and people to be friendly toward.  Enemies must be crushed and eliminated; whereas hurting, jealous, toxic, unhealthy people must be loved and healed. Just because someone isn’t our closest friend doesn’t mean they don’t have value in our lives.

Elimination is Not Necessary

To suggest that I can’t be around anyone who isn’t at their best because it will bring me down glosses over my own strength. Any of us who have been pastors, social workers, therapists, or in any other people-helping industries can attest to the fact that as long as we are practicing our own self-care, have our own support system in place, and are clear about our role in the lives of people who are hurting, then our positive influence can be greater in their lives than their pain will be in ours. Light is more powerful than darkness. And hurt people need love and light.

The answer isn’t just to eliminate and ostracize hurting people, the answer is to learn how to shine our lights so brightly that we can enter any darkness and know that our light cannot be extinguished.

And not just that our light can survive, but actually that our light gets stronger and more compassionate and more life transforming as we show up in genuine moments with others, no matter what condition they are in. We are blessed and grown in those moments just as much as they are.

We do not become the people who this world needs simply by turning our backs on anyone we don’t like, trust, or deem healthy enough to be in our presence.  No, in fact, those are exactly the people we need to let into our lives.  Not just for their sake, but for ours.  To serve others is what we’re called to do in this world– your calling centers around it.  To learn how to forgive is the greatest lesson any of us can ever hope to learn (which means we will need to practice it a number of times).  To sit with someone in pain increases our ability to empathize, which increases our ability to trust and love, which is ultimately what you want: more love.

If your light is dim or flickering, then perhaps you may need to set some boundaries and limit time with people who you feel can’t support the happier and more powerful version of yourself; but that’s temporary, and something to own in yourself rather than blame in others.

Re-Defining the Good Advice

Here’s how I re-interpret these ever-popular quotes to put the responsibility on me, rather than the blame on others.

“People inspire you, or they drain you. Pick wisely.”  I am not picking people, rather I am picking my response.  I get to decide whether I am inspired or drained.  I can be around someone who is shining and walk away drained by jealousy, or I can sit with someone who is chronically depressed and walk away inspired and grateful.  My power doesn’t mean I get to pick who’s valuable, it means I get to pick whether I’m able to see the value in everyone.

“If their presence can’t add value to your life, then their absence will make no difference.” This is such a dangerous quote.  Taken to the extreme, wars are fought, holocausts are allowed, and racism and classism are justified.  No, if their presence doesn’t add value to your life it’s either because you haven’t taken the time to get to know them yet or you haven’t yet seen who you can become because of them.  It is not because they are without value.

“Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher.”  In the closest circle of your life, I agree that this is a good ideal.  We want to create relationships that nurture, uplift, empower, and love each other well.  But even this has its limits… because it’s not others who end up deciding whether we lift higher or not, it’s our call.  Sometimes it’s the person who wounded us the deepest that pushes us to grow and lift. The universe can use anyone and everyone to help us become our best selves.

This was a hard blog to write… so many caveats I want to give, possible misunderstandings I want to avoid… I end it with a prayer that these words will land where hearts are receptive and ready to see just how powerful we are, how others cannot limit us, and how much the world, as needy as it is, needs us to not turn our backs.  For what’s the point of getting healthy if not to turn around and love others to their best as well?

——————————

My next blog will be about what to do when our friendships aren’t living up to all four of the required qualities in a friendship and how to make decisions about the best approach to either healing them or limiting them in our lives. Subscribe in the upper right corner.

Posted in "Toxic" Friends, Difficulty & Challenges, Jealousy & Competition, Judging Others | Tagged , , , , , | 88 Comments

My Favorite Sharing Question of All Time

Posted on May 19, 2013 by ShastaGFC

While I was teaching and launching 4 more Friendship Accelerator groups yesterday, I made a mental note to myself that I would put to written words all the reasons I gave the attendees of that workshop for regularly using my all-time favorite sharing question. Here it is for you!

The Question:

Called the “High/Low” question– it invites all participants to share a highlight and a low light of their choosing.

A highlight can be: an event, a milestone, a decision, a choice for self-care, an accomplishment, a goal achieved, a moment appreciated, or a cherished conversation.  Anything that produced feelings of positivity… joy, contentment, serenity, gratitude, pride, or inspiration.

A low light can be: a tough conversation, a disappointment, a heartbreak, a loss, an unmet expectation, an obstacle, an insecurity, or something that is causing anxiety and worry.  Anything that produced feelings of negativity… fear, loss, sadness, anger, or disillusionment.

I call it the “High/Low,” one of my workshop attendees in Chicago says she calls it “Thorns & Roses.”  I like that, too!

Applications of The Question:

One of the four Friendship Accelerator groups yesterday that shared their answers to my Favorite Sharing Question!

One of the four Friendship Accelerator groups yesterday that shared their answers to my Favorite Sharing Question!

If it’s with friends you see regularly, such is the case for my weekly girls group or with family that comes over most Friday evenings, then the question can be limited to the short time period since we’ve last seen each other: “What was a highlight and low light from this last week?”

If it’s with friends we haven’t talked to in a while, such is the case with my “SoCal girls group” who is scheduled tonight for our first quarterly phone call, 2 months from when we were all together for our annual weekend trip, then it becomes more of a “What is one “high” going on in your life right now, and one “low?” giving the freedom to name a biggie that happened last month or to pick the thing that matters most this week.

If it’s with a friend I haven’t seen in ages, then the question might be bit more broad to encompass more time, “So in the last year, what would you say has been a highlight and low light for you?”

If it’s with my husband who I see every day, and already happen to know most of what his day looked like, we still ask this question in a variety of ways.  If before bed, we might say, “So what was one of your high moments and low moments today?” as a good way to reflect on the day.  And I’m still surprised sometimes the impact one email can have… showing up in either category.  If it’s after a trip, “Looking back on the trip, what would you say was one of your favorite highlights and low lights?”

The question is even great within themes, not necessarily constrained by time.  Yesterday, in the Friendship Accelerators, I asked the women to share with each other, “What is a highlight/low light for you in your current relationship status?” Or it can be in your job, where you live, about your body image, or any other subject.

Here’s Why I Love The Question SO Much:

  • Honors Real Life: There’s a time for hypothetical, but it’s not when I’m wanting to connect with my friends and find out what really matters in their lives.  This question reminds all of us that there is ALWAYS a duality to life– when you’re in a season of uncertainty or grief, there are still moments of good to be recognized, and when you’re in a season of recognition, goal achieving, or ease, there are still unmet expectations, stressors, and new worries.  And, sometimes, more-often-than-not, the very same thing that is a high can also be a piece of our low.
  • Decreases the Chances of Jealousy:  It’s all too easy to see the highlights of each other’s lives– the marriages, kids, fancy trips, and awards– and end up feeling less thrilled with our own.  But when I journey over the long-haul with my friends, seeing the lows and highs, I really think it reminds us that no one’s life is perfect. We stop begrudging each other for what we each have.
  • Increases our Ability to Celebrate our Wins & Cheer for Each Other: For many women, we’re more comfortable sharing our lows, than we are our highs. We don’t want to be seen as bragging, and we’ve picked up intuitively that others seem to like us best when our marriages aren’t amazing, our kids aren’t perfect, and our career isn’t rocking.  But if we can’t practice our greatness and capacity with friends, then who do we get to practice owning our light around?  We need to be able to say, “I’m proud of this part of my life,” and we need to keep practicing telling our friends that we’re proud of them, too!
  • Puts Control into the Hands of the Sharers: By asking for a high/low there is enough structure to prompt and direct our thinking (as opposed to just saying “So what’s up?” “What’s new?” or “Tell me what’s going on these days.”) but it’s also broad enough to let each person choose what they share. If one low light feels too vulnerable for that occasion– pick another. On the other hand, if something happened that you secretly wish people knew and could support you in– this is your chance to let them in.  Your choice!
  • Invites Honesty: You ask someone how they’re doing, and they’ll say fine.  You ask them what’s going on, and they’ll inevitably give you a summary of the kids or work.  I’ve noticed entire groups of people–even people who consider themselves close– can spend the entire evening giving updates, talking about what they saw in the news, or telling a story they know will regale everyone. But if you give them permission to share two specific things that matter in their lives then the conversation changes to what they want to share, not just what they were asked about or what they thought would make entertaining conversation.
  • Protects Space for Each Person: I really believe most people want more substantial conversations, we just don’t feel comfortable taking over the conversation and offering up some things that feel mundane, feel like downer-subjects, or could be perceived as bragging. But that doesn’t mean we don’t want people to know us. By asking this question to a living room full of people, we may sure that the introvert has protected space to share without her having to fight for the floor.  We make sure that the extroverts aren’t just entertaining, but really sharing.  We make sure no one leaves saying, “No one even asked me about…” and feeling as though they weren’t even seen.
  • Develops Intimacy: When done regularly, as each Friendship Accelerator will do in the ensuing four weeks when they get together, this question can build a real sense of connectedness.  We worry less that our highlight this week doesn’t feel huge in contrast to someone else when we can see the pattern over time that all of us have joys and all of us have pain– our turn for each will come.  In the meantime, we feel seen.  We know that someone knows that we’re stressed about money, fearful about not getting pregnant yet, or worried about our grown son’s latest seemingly-destructive choice.  We admitted it in a safe place because everyone else was sharing, too.  We weren’t left “out there” feeling like we’re the only ones with a problem.  And simultaneously, we didn’t fear what others thought when we shared our pride or joy– because they did it too.  We feel supported.  And we can support.

During the Friendship Accelerator, after I have all the groups share their high/low with each other, I ask the women to raise their hands if they would have voluntarily offered up what they just chose to share.  In other words, would they have guided the group conversation to that story, had the space not be made for it.  I’d guess about 15% of them raise their hands.  Indeed, sometimes the high or low is such that we might offer it up without being asked, but more often than not, we need someone to ask us before we gladly share.

I’m already looking forward to tonight’s call with my 4 girlfriends who live in Seattle, San Antonio, and Southern California.  I genuinely want to know what’s mattering to them.  And I’m glad I don’t just have to leave it to chance that it’s shared….

Here’s a list of more Sharing Questions– these are the ones we use in our ConnectingCircles (small member-led gatherings of 3-6 women in local cafes) in the GirlFriendCircles.com community.

 

 

 

Posted in Consistency, How To?, Maintaining Friends, Practical Ideas | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A Doctor’s Prescription: Friendship for Health

Posted on May 6, 2013 by ShastaGFC

I landed in New York City today where I will be interviewed for Better Show TV tomorrow morning, attending a women’s entrepreneur conference on Wednesday and Thursday, and then be teaching a Friendship Accelerator this weekend before heading home. (Note: If you or anyone you know lives in NYC I’ve had two openings to the Friendship Accelerator- one for someone between 28-35 and the other for someone over 55. Apply ASAP here.) Every time I land here I have an imaginary playlist in my head busting out Alicia Keys’ Empire State of Mind and it makes me feel a little invincible… “I have a pocket full of dreams…there’s nothing you can’t do, now that you’re in New York!”

A Health Book I Want to Recommend

So surely I can write a blog post on the road?  :)   I feel excited to share some friendship inspiration from the most recent book I just finished on the plane.  And since this book, Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself
comes out tomorrow, the timing couldn’t be better!

Care about your health? Besides healthy relationships playing a central role throughout this whole book, one chapter is titled, "Loneliness Poison the Body."

Care about your health? Besides healthy relationships playing a central role throughout this whole book, one chapter is titled, “Loneliness Poisons the Body.”

The author, Lissa Rankin, is an M.D. who practiced traditional medicine, got burned out and quit, and then re-discovered her passion for being a healer but was suspicious that there was a better way.  Her book is a very stimulating, inspiring, and thought-provoking book filled with medical research, stories, and ideas for how we can live healthier lives.  Her passion is healing from our current ailments, of which she herself has experienced personally, but it’s more broadly an invitation to all of us to live the most vibrant lives possible whether that means prevention or recovery.  And, of course, her big point is that we, the patients, have a more tremendous role than we often take, and that health includes a lot more than exercise and healthy eating.

Friendship for our Health Keeps Growing in Credibility

So why do I, a friendship expert, want to tell you about a health book?

So glad you asked! Because I underlined everything that had to do with our relationships and realized it was a good portion of the book!  Seriously!

Here are a few quotes:

  • “…curing loneliness is as good for your health as giving up smoking.”
  • “How much we commune with other people may prove as important as exercise when it comes to predicting life expectancy.”
  • “People with the fewest social ties were three times more likely to die over a nine-year period than those who reported the most social ties, even when you account for preexisting health conditions, socioeconomic status, smoking, alcohol consumption, obesity, race, life satisfaction, physical activity, and use of preventive health services.”

I mean, we know that relationships are good for us.  But do we really know it as the deep truth that it is?  I feel like we all give lip service to it, but then keep justifying why we need to work late, be hope with the kids every night and weekend, and how we’re just too busy to make time for the very people who can save our lives.

Here’s how it works:  basically our bodies know a lot about how to heal ourselves (i.e. wounds turn into scabs, healthy cells fight off disease cells) but that it can only do so when we are not under stress.  For when we feel stress, real or perceived, our bodies are in fight-or-flight mode which means that all repair systems shut down in order to get us through the crisis. (Because who cares about long-term health when you’re running for your life?!) But the big problem now is how many of us are living most of our lives with stress!  And when we can’t turn off the stress response long-enough or often-enough to trigger our relaxation response then our bodies aren’t be given the time to repair, build up, heal, and maintain.

So if the most effective way of telling our bodies that it can repair itself is to reduce stress, then it makes complete sense that things like healthy spirituality, meaningful relationships, calming practices, and good sleep are the best ways for us to add years to our lives.

How to Add More Meaningful Relationships to Our Lives

I’ll rattle off a couple things that immediately come to mind if you want to increase your joy and health through your relationships:

  1. Forgive & Grieve! The toxicity of not forgiving others is hurting you more than them. For your sake, practice the ability of not holding any grudges. Furthermore, some of us have relationships losses we haven’t fully grieved that we can face to find our healing…  Let the past be your past.
  2. Increase your Consistency with Someone. Almost Anyone.  If you don’t feel like you have the intimate relationships you crave, choose someone you already know and start making an effort to connect more regularly with them. (You don’t have to be convinced that they are the perfect BFF for you… just start connecting more to see if it can develop into something that feeds you more than now.)
  3. Increase Vulnerability.  I have a whole chapter in my book to this point, but Dr. Rankin describes why this matters so much saying that “shame, secrecy, and isolation are the enemies of the healing process.” To be vulnerable, she talks about why we must be ourselves, take our masks off, set up healthy boundaries, and learn to ask for what we need. This point has both to do with our practicing on vulnerability in friendships, but also speaks to how we need to get to know ourselves better and keep increasing our self-love so that when we are in potential relationships we already know who we are and feel our self-worth.
  4. Then, Assess.  Forgiving others will do a lot to let go of your past, increasing consistency will help increase the support you feel now, and learning who you are and how to love yourself can all give you some breathing space to think about your future.  Chapters 2 & 3 of my book–Friendships Don’t Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends– will help you assess your relationships so you can then decide which steps you most need to pour your time and energy into.

I think these 4 steps are important (sorry I can only mention them in passing in this context!) especially because making new friends often causes stress before it reduces stress.  In the beginning of new relationships we experience more fear and uncertainty before we can grow those relationships to safe, easy, and comfortable times together.  To that point, it behooves  us to both see our relationship-making as a long-term strategy worthy of our investment and also do what we can to nourish ourselves as much as possible in the process.  Much like how exercise is not a one-time event, friendship-making has to be seen for the pay-off it will have down the road.  It’s so worth it!

For as Lissa says, “Every day is an opportunity to deepen your connections to the people you value.  When you let your heart feel, become resilient to shame, end your judgments of others, learn the art of forgiveness, practice being authentic, and lay bare your soul, you allow your mind to work its wonders, optimizing the body for its natural state of self-repair.”

——————–

Other posts that speak to some of the subjects mentioned in this post:

Your Brain on Friendships

Are New Friends Worth the Energy Output Required?

Vulnerability, Weight, Nudity, and Judgment

Loneliness & Your Health

 

 

Posted in Books & Movies, Health, Importance of Friendship | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Help Me Blaze the Important Trails of Friendship!

Posted on April 24, 2013 by ShastaGFC

Yesterday I received an email of congrats from an entrepreneurial friend of mine after she saw my name on a press release announcing that I was a finalist for a Trailblazer of the Year Award.  I quickly clicked on the link she had sent and was momentarily stunned… Trailblazing? Really?  I wrote her back and said, “Thank you!” And, “hmm… I wonder how I ended up in that category?”

Trailblazer? Really?

The title of “Trailblazing” is definitely a word I hadn’t yet used to describe myself.

Her return email then landed in my inbox:

“Don’t underestimate yourself Shasta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!    YOU are doing such IMPORTANT work —– don’t you realize you are-   Reinstating the Role of Friendship in Life? Giving friendship a Facelift? Uplifting the Spirit with New Friends? It’s because of these reasons that you are a Trailblazer!!!! Accept it  and write about how you think you are trailblazing for your next blog – this is important!!”

And then I just smiled.  Smiled with the appreciation of having friends in my life who believe in me and help me see myself in new ways. So this blog is my way of accepting the challenge of a friend.  This is for me to own what I want to do in this world, but it’s also me inviting you to blaze the trail with me!  :)

Let's blaze this trail of friendship together! We need a world of women feeling connected, supported, known, and loved!

Let’s blaze this trail of friendship together! We need a world of women feeling connected, supported, known, and loved!

The funny thing is that I know I am definitely on a mission. I wouldn’t deny that!  But sometimes we just don’t use words like “Trailblazing!” to describe ourselves!  But when I started GirlFriendCircles.com nearly 4 years ago I’d get blank stares from people when I’d describe my business.  And magazines would respond with “Oh we did a story on friendship 8 months ago,” as though that meant they didn’t need to cover it again this year!  And women would say stupid things like, “Who would be so desperate as to pay for friends?” as though paying for coffee, water, and manicures were of more value to them.  Even now when I try to pitch friendship as the very real health story that it is, editors and producers would rather give you a story about a new technique for stomach crunches even though friendship is far more important to your health!

So when I remember what it was like back then and compare it to now…. while I wouldn’t have used the word “trailblazing,” that was very much what I have done for the last number of years.

And just to further laugh at myself… I do have a theory that friendship can save the world. (See my 3 min video here.) What kind of a silly girl goes making lofty claims about “saving the world” without thinking she wouldn’t be blazing a trail along the way!? Ha! Shows just how much we can do without seeing it through the eyes of others!

What Our Trailblazing May Feel Like…

This experience reminds me of the recent Dove commercial that highlights how we  see our appearance differently than others.  I think the same can be true of our accomplishments, roles, identities, and goals.  Certainly it makes sense that we might focus more on our wrinkles, wide foreheads, and big noses than anyone ever looking at us sees.  But similarly, we see much more of the un-glamorous and non-wowing parts of our  lives than others see. (Which is a good thing because while I’m absolutely okay with you knowing how many days I go un-showered, it’s still better that you don’t have to see it!)

The truth is that when I think of my life, I just see a girl behind her computer, in yoga pants, with stringy hair, typing emails furiously, scheduling phone calls, and just checking things off my to-do list.  It’s not really the same image that comes to mind when I think “TRAILBLAZER!” LOL!

But just because the vast majority of my life moments feel mundane doesn’t mean I’m not creating partnerships, pitching stories, creating content, and slowly making the trail one foot longer.

To that end, I started www.GirlFriendCircles.com to help introduce women to each other, wrote a book to help inspire and teach women how to foster friendships into more meaningful relationships, and filled up calendars with speaking appointments, workshops, interviews, and events where I can engage with women on such important friendship-related subjects such as forgiveness, personal growth, physical health, self-esteem, and joy.

This idea is necessary because we are moving every 5 years, changing jobs every 4.4 years, living far from our family, going through our life stages at vastly different ages, and divorcing more frequently than previous generations– every single one of those changes can uproot our support systems leaving people feeling incredibly vulnerable.  We need new ways of connecting with other human beings with more ease and less fear, while also having the permission and know-how to transform those friendships into deep, fulfilling, and meaningful relationships.

So as I’m expanding into a new word, here’s hoping you’ll blaze trails with me!  I don’t expect any of you to run a media campaign in your community for new friendships, but you can RSVP for a ConnectingCircle or sign-up to be a local Ambassador!  You may not see that as anything hugely glamorous.  In fact, it may even feel awkward, discouraging, and scary!  But that doesn’t mean it’s not HUGELY important!

Why We Have to Blaze Friendship Trails

We have to remember why we are doing what we do.

Yes, most of being a mom feels more like being a chauffeur, ATM, and chef; but to actually stop and feel the awesomeness of the role– a life-giver, educator-of-the-next-generation, and the person who will teach real love to another human.  Wow.

Similarly, starting a friendship doesn’t always feel that amazing.  We often carry fear wondering if the other person will like us, frustration with how hard it is to get something scheduled, and then un-fulfilled when an evening talking to strangers doesn’t feel like talking to our best friends, yet.  It doesn’t always feel amazing.

But when you realize it’s our relationships that serve as gymnasiums for our souls, giving us the place to practice the skills this world desperately needs: forgiveness when hurt, compassion when tired, cheering when jealous, and supporting even when not understanding– then we sit with just a bit of the sacredness of this relationship.  For, if we can’t practice these skills with people around us who we, at one point, chose to care about, then we have little chance of being able to show up with these skills when we’re talking about people who live on the other side of the world, who worship a different version of God, or who vote for a different president.

I’d say there are few things more important than having safe relationships where we can practice being the powerful, big, loving people who this world needs us to be.

Furthermore, we live in a world where increased loneliness is literally poisoning our bodies. Stress is the number one cause of most disease and death and a sense of disconnection is heightening our sense of being “separate.”  The less we feel supported by a tribe of people, the more at risk we are of sickness, acting out of insecurity, and behaving in less compassionate ways.

A plethora of research shows that when we have friends we feel like the obstacles in our lives are smaller, that we heal from surgery faster, that we recover from breast cancer at higher rates, that our immune systems are stronger, and that we have more energy to do our life missions. Wow.

I sincerely believe that the more connected everyone is to a group of friends– the better off this entire world will be.

So to all the trails we have already blazed, and to the many, many more that we will keep making… Thanks to Rock the World for the honor of the nomination, thanks to my friend Shamini for pushing me to sit with the label, and thanks to all of you women who are on the trail with me! xoxo

Posted in Feminism, Health, Importance of Friendship, Social Causes | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

How To Respond to a Friend in Crisis

Posted on April 12, 2013 by ShastaGFC

I read a lot of articles and books every week (I prefer the term “learner” to “self-help junkie” but the latter is just as true!) so when one still sticks with me a few days later, I figure I may as well share it on my blog.  The visual that the LA Times included with the op-ed piece, “How Not to Say the Wrong Thing,” could save a lot of friendships if we took it to heart.

The Ring Theory

Whoever is in the center of the story gets to stay there... according to the LA Times op-end piece by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.

Whoever is in the center of the story gets to stay there… according to the LA Times op-end piece by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman.

The piece written by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman speaks to the temptation all of us have to take someone’s story and turn it into ours because their life impacts ours.

After Susan was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to field such comments as, “This isn’t all about you,” she created the diagram to the right to help us all see that while all of us may be impacted by someone’s crisis, we have to stay mindful of whose crisis it actually is.  She calls it the Ring Theory and says it works in all kinds of crises: medical, legal, financial, romantic, even existential.

The person at the center is the one in crisis.  Everyone in that person’s life is placed on a concentric circle, starting at the center with the people who are closest to the crisis (i.e. spouse, parent) and moving out to the people in our lives who are less close to us.

How it works, in a nutshell:

“The person in the center ring can say anything she wants to anyone, anywhere. She can kvetch and complain and whine and moan and curse the heavens and say, “Life is unfair” and “Why me?” That’s the one payoff for being in the center ring.

Everyone else can say those things too, but only to people in larger rings.

When you are talking to a person in a ring smaller than yours, someone closer to the center of the crisis, the goal is to help.

Comfort In, Dump Out.”

Implications for our Friendships

Now, there are times in every crisis where I don’t need everyone acting strong around me, where it can be meaningful to hear from people close to me about how this situation is impacting them, and where real authentic conversations and intimacy about what we’re both feeling can be helpful.  And there are times where it feels good to have people around me vent, letting me still be a good friend to them, too; reminding me that they still have lives and issues and feelings.  Indeed, whether it’s a cancer diagnosis or a divorce, we feel each others pain. But with that said, I think the above diagram is still an incredibly fabulous visual for helping us all keep perspective on where we are, and what our primary roles should be, when a friend is in any crisis.

Does their change affect us? Absolutely.  It will undoubtedly bring up our own fears and memories of loss that need to be processed.  And our schedule might change– more serving and caring for them, less fun times out.  Our conversations might change and be way less meaningful, mutual, or energizing.  So undoubtedly our friendship will feel like it’s changing, but that’s not the same as our entire life changing.

I know my divorce impacted my friends– they were losing a couple that they loved spending time with together, they had more tough conversations in their homes having to process who’s fault it was and how to support each of us, and it undoubtedly brought up tough conversations about their own marriages. We both ended up moving away so it’s fair to say many people “lost” a lot in my divorce.  But… the rings remind all of us that no one lost more than my ex-husband and I did.  I keep this front-of-mind when I’m heartbroken by the news of friends of mine….

A very aware person notices in those moments several things:

  1. This is her story.  I’m only a supporting actor in this movie starring her.
  2. Therefore she gets to call the shots.  Caring for her is the highest priority in this particular story.  I may be the center of another story, but this one is hers. I will try to be mindful of what she needs, and participate as I can.
  3. This does impact me.  I need to own that so I can be mindful of it.  I need to find the appropriate places to process what I am feeling. Most likely, especially early-on, she probably isn’t the best person for me to go to for comforting.  She needs to stay in her role of grieving, processing, and healing– not feeling pressure to “be there” for me. Remember, I’m only a supporting actor in this scene, not the one who steals the show.  In another scene, with someone else, I can be the main character. And need to be.
  4. I will do what I can. Just because she’s in crisis doesn’t mean I can show up in all the ideal ways. I may be in the center of another story that prevents me from having the bandwidth, or I may have too many unresolved feelings that I can’t stop from bleeding out on her, or I just may not be able to serve all the ways she needs or I want to… but I’ll be thoughtful in remembering that it’s her right, as my friend, to ask. I won’t resent her requests– I’ll just do what I can and lovingly say no to what I cannot.

The point is that their story gets to stay theirs– always. Which sounds obvious, but can be so very hard to do.

In the Good Times, Too?

I think it’s appropriate to expand the word crisis to include pretty much any life change, transition, or profound experience.  I personally think more friendships suffer misunderstandings with these circles in the good news more than in the bad news.

Because when she announces her promotion, her wedding, her retirement, or her pregnancy– our first reaction will be about how we feel about it. We’ll immediately start feeling something– and whether it’s joy or jealousy–we’re at risk of putting our feelings on her experience.

In crisis we can be the heroes, the rescuers, the good friends, the shoulder to cry-on, the one who wows.  In good news though, when we might be more at risk of feeling jealous, forgotten, or alone, we may struggle more with letting her stay the center of attention.  She may not “need” us as much and instead of being grateful we’re not the one who just got cheated on, we’re now wondering when it will be our turn to have good-luck fall on our plate.

To be so mindful in those moments that she is in the center of the circle (her life is changing) and we are on the outside rings (we might feel different about her or us, and the time we spend with her may be changing, but our actual lives really aren’t changing) helps give us perspective.

Our role in all these moments is to keep her in her center.  Whether it’s in the gloom of her bankruptcy, the dissolution of her marriage, or the death of someone close to her, or whether it’s letting her be wedding-crazy, baby-obsessed, and filled with retirement-glee– let her stand in the center of her life, trusting that a ring or few out, we’ll be there with as much support as possible.  We can do this because we will find other people in our lives to process our own feelings about what is shifting. We can take care of ourselves so we can help take care of her.

There’s no better way to end this post than with the same words the authors ended their article:

“And don’t worry. You’ll get your turn in the center ring. You can count on that.”

———————————

I’d love to hear other insights and reactions some of you have when you look at the concentric circles….  what’s helpful? what’s difficult? what’s clarifying?

 

Posted in Difficulty & Challenges, Loss & Grief | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Today is National Reconciliation Day!

Posted on April 2, 2013 by ShastaGFC

Oh I wish this holiday had been on my radar last week so I could have given you plenty of notice to start thinking about what action you wanted to take today toward reconciliation!

Watch the 30 minute HuffPo Live panel regarding Reconciliation by clicking on the link to the left. (Featuring: Alvin, going through a divorce, Amy Alkon, the Advice Goddess, and me-- all sharing our experiences and wisdom.

Watch the 30 minute HuffPo Live panel regarding Reconciliation by clicking on the link to the left. (Featuring: Alvin, going through a divorce, Amy Alkon, the Advice Goddess, and me– all sharing our experiences and wisdom.

But, alas, it was only when HuffPost Live contacted me and asked if I’d be on a live panel this afternoon on the topic of reconciliation that I was made aware that there was such a day.  Apparently Ann Landers decided back in 1989 that every April 2 should be celebrated with everyone picking up the phone to call with whom we may have had a falling out with, hence it’s become the Day of Reconciliation.

I was honored to share on the panel, but here is a more comprehensive post about what reconciliation can look like.

The Two Types of Break-Ups

First, there are two types of fall-outs that I speak to: Rifts and Drifts.

Rifts are when something happens to undermine the relationship; whereas, Drifts are when nothing specific happens to the relationship yet we find ourselves slowly drifting apart.

You undoubtedly have experience with both.  Reconciliation is possible and necessary with both, but they may look quite different.

Reconciling Rifts & Drifts

Let’s start with defining reconciliation.  Reconciliation can mean reestablishing the close relationship, but it also means simply the ability to find resolution, or acceptance. In other words, when we speak of reconciliation, it doesn’t automatically mean that the goal should be intimacy, trust, and connection with the person we felt hurt by.  Certainly, to come to peace, to forgive the other person, might mean that we’d be open to that re-engagement someday if growth had occurred on both sides.  But more often than not, forgiveness might just mean finding our own peace, reconciling what is real with our expectations of what we want.  The discrepancy between those two causes unmeasured angst.

In my book, knowing whether we’re dealing with a Drift or Rift helps me know what path of reconciliation to seek.

Drifts….

If there is Drift in a relationship, the invitation is for us to not only recognize it is happening, but also to check with ourselves about whether we want it to happen.

In one of my recent Drifts, I knew that it was only busy-ness and distraction that was putting distance between us.  In my gut, I knew I wanted this friendship to last.  I didn’t need to know whether I needed it as often or as deeply in my life as we had co-created before, but I was clear when I checked-in with myself that I didn’t want to lose the friendship. So in this relationship, I wrote her a note and said,

“I miss you! I know we’ve both been so busy, and I’m so sorry that on my end I’ve not been as present or available. I know relationships ebb-and-flow, but I definitely don’t want to let us get too far from each other since you mean so much to me!  Any chance you’re up for scheduling a catch-up call next week?  I’m flexible Tuesday afternoon or Wednesday evening, do you have an hour anytime in there you’d be willing to give me?”

Reconciliation in this case was reaching out with a sorry I’ve neglected the relationship (it doesn’t matter if she has, too, our apology is still true) and a stated desire to re-engage. She was honored and grateful.  Neither of us had meant anything malicious and neither had wanted to put any pressure on the other. But we all like to know that the other misses us and naming it helps us both take it less personally. (Because if you ignore it here, this is where we’re more likely to get our feeling hurts with unmet expectations that can then turn into a Rift, all because we didn’t address the Drift.)

To contrast it, another Drift in the last couple of years was a relationship where I checked-in with myself and realized that reconciliation actually meant being okay with letting the relationship take a backseat.  I was at peace with it happening because I sensed that both of us were going different directions, our energies pulling us into other relationships and experiences.  To try to re-engage here would have been simply out of guilt, the voice of “you should…”

In some cases of Drifting, it’s possible that the two of you simply call less and less and it slowly dissipates.  That’s okay, but if possible, I’d still prefer  a little communication if possible, out of respect for what we’ve shared.  Obviously every situation is different, and is largely determined by whether we sense both people are at peace or if we feel she is still pursuing while we’re retreating.  But in my case, in response to her reaching out to me via email to set up a time for dinner, I wrote,

“Thank you so much for thinking of me!  You are someone whose relationship has meant so much to me over the years.  Let’s definitely get a dinner on the calendar, and hopefully we can make that happen every couple of months even though I know we’re both so busy! I hope that no matter how much time and distance ever separates us, that we can always call each other a friend.  I so admire you.”

Reconciliation in this case was two-fold: me being at peace with letting the relationship be something other than “all-or-nothing,” and making sure I communicated to her how much I admired her.  My goal is to leave relationships with people feeling better about themselves for having known me.

Rifts…

Rifts, can be a bit trickier, in that our hearts have likely been more bruised and our expectations more unmet.  Her disappointing actions have left us frustrated and questioning the friendship, which is almost impossible to do with out us feeling both defensive and judgmental.  Those two feelings make it hard for us to even want to reconcile.

The second-to-last chapter of my book highlights healthy options for responding to the five friendship threats, but for these purposes today, let me just get on my soapbox for a moment and say this:

GirlFriends–as a rule of thumb, treat your friendships that experience frustration and disappointment with the same courtesy you give to your romantic relationships: consider a mature conversation.

I’ve yet to hear of the dating break-up where someone disappointed you and you just cut off contact without ever having a single conversation about it! No! We may dislike confrontation, but we step up to it for romance.  We say, “We need to talk…” and then we tell them what we need, how they hurt us, what’s okay, what isn’t, what we hope for, etc.  Sometimes it turns into this awesome conversation where we both feel heard and we can move into a more meaningful and trusting relationship.  But even the times it leads to a fight, we always expect a follow-up conversation, knowing we need to either make-up or at least facilitate as healthy closure as possible. Sometimes we break-up, make-up, and break-up again.  We give them multiple chances, because we “love him” (or her), or because we know “he’s trying…”, or because we’ve “invested so much already.”  All valid excuses we should be giving to our girlfriends!

So off my soapbox, while I know full re-engagement of the relationship, recovering from whatever caused the Drift, isn’t always possible, I am an advocate of at least trying before a friendship break-up.  Too many of us walk away, unwilling to try again, claiming the other person isn’t healthy, doesn’t know how to be a friend, or  can never be trusted again.  All of which may not necessarily be true.  As any of us who have been a long-term relationship can attest, we will hurt each other, and that doesn’t mean we can’t also still love each other well.

Your Invitation:

Since you’re getting this blog post so late in the evening on this Reconciliation holiday you may think you’re off the hook from having to reconcile with someone?  No way!  In fact, they say the best way to let yourself off the hook is to forgive, to come to peace, to accept, or to resolve.  Who can you reach out to tonight or tomorrow as your way of stepping into a holiday that we should really be practicing 365 days a year?

————————

More relevant posts:

  1. Friendship Break-Ups 1: A Drift or a Rift  (Defining both, and going into more detail about causes for Drifts.)
  2. Friendship Break-Ups 2: Saving a Drift, Avoiding a Rift (3 steps to help prevent our Drifts from becoming Rifts)
  3. Friendship Break-Ups 3: Was She Really a Friend, Anyway? (Speaking to when we get our feelings hurt because a friend wasn’t there for us…)
  4. Friendship Break-Ups 4: Letting Go or Holding On? (How to decide if the friendship is worth pursuing.)

 

 

 

 

Posted in Break Ups, Difficulty & Challenges, Forgiveness, How To?, Our Mistakes | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

An Interview with a GirlFriendCircles.com Ambassador!

Posted on March 26, 2013 by ShastaGFC

With thousands of new members joining GirlFriendCircles.com in the last few weeks from across the U.S. and Canada it reminds me how many women know the value of new friends and are willing to do something about it.

For some of you, just signing up and trying to muster up the courage to post your photo, complete your profile, or RSVP to an event will be all you can do to prove to yourself that friendships matter to you. And that’s okay!  We all take the steps we can!

But for some of you, you may feel as though you have a bit more in you to move you forward in your friendship journey.  This is an interview with Kathy Lombardo, a GirlFriendCircles.com Ambassador, who I was lucky enough to meet at my Chicago Book Party last month!  She lives 30 miles outside of Chicago in Darien, IL and knows what it’s like to feel discouraged at the lack of stuff going on in her area. But her willingness to respond with hope has made all the difference!  She’s a 46 year-old Neonatal RN who decided to not only make her own friendships happen, but to also help make it happen for others! You don’t have to become an Ambassador to be inspired by her story and see ways you can make friendships happen for you!

Meet Kathy Lombardo, a GirlFriendCircles.com Ambassador, whom I was lucky enough to meet in Chicago last month!

Meet Kathy Lombardo, a GirlFriendCircles.com Ambassador, whom I was lucky enough to meet in Chicago last month!

Here’s my interview with her:

Shasta:  When you first joined GirlFriendCircles.com, you were undoubtedly hoping for tons of new friendships in your area, but since you live 30 miles outside of Chicago, we weren’t that robust in your area, right?  So what did you feel and how did you respond?

Kathy: Yes, when I first joined GirlFriendCircles.com last Spring after hearing you interviewed, the web site told me that there were not enough people in my area to match me with. I was disappointed because I had been so excited to find an avenue for meeting other women who I thought may have a similar desire for the kind of friendship I was yearning for. I was also surprised because I did live close to one of the largest cities in the country. Thus…I got off the computer that day dejected.

Eventually, you decided to take matters into your own hands and become an Ambassador for GirlFriendCircles.com in your area!  What prompted that?  Was it a hard decision?

I do not remember what prompted me to take matters into my own hands but I know that I had chosen to continue to receive your blog and various e-mails. In fact,I ended up using one of your blogs about how you wanted people to feel in your presence as a template for the vows I used in a marriage-to-myself ceremony last Fall. Then I think I must have read something about becoming an Ambassador in one of your e-mails? Regardless of the prompt though, I remember that it was about 6 months after I had first logged on to GFC that I decided to get back on and “make this work” for me. I decided that instead of dejectedly giving up on my dream,  I was instead going to do whatever I could to make it a reality. If I was going to go down; I was at least going to go down fighting! This made my decision to become an Ambassador a no-brainer. In fact I was eager to do so, believing it would lead me down the path to what I was looking for, or I’d at least die trying……lol! After reading your book, I realized I was doing exactly what the heart of your message is, “creating a meaningful circle of girlfriends”. As you say, “friendships don’t just happen” and I clearly realized this and was going to go from wishing for it to intentional action to create it.

That’s amazing Kathy. How glad so many of us are that you decided to come back and give it another shot! So, after you then signed up to help be this catalyst for friendship, what are some of the first things you did?

After I signed up I spent time navigating my way around the GFC website, which I hadn’t really done when I first went on. I created a profile with a picture and went in search of friends. I had not seen this feature previously because I don’t think I really understood how GFC worked. I then went about “friending” many women in the city and in the suburbs. I also found the Calendar and created an event. The first event I created was to a book launch party in the city last November, which I was helping out with. Four or five women signed up to go and only one was able to make it but I did meet her that night, and brought back the book for another. It was a small start but it was a start and I was very hopeful!

When did you first sense that things were changing?  What signs did you start to see that gave you hope?

I think I first sensed that things were changing when I decided to take action. There was an immediate shift in me, which translated into a shift in my circumstances. “Friending” women on my own, putting my work zip code as well as my home zip code, finding the Calendar, and creating events is when the hope really kicked into gear! I saw that there was more much for to this than actually just waiting to be matched.

Having been an Ambassador now for 6 months (is that right?), what would you say have been the pay-offs or benefits for you?

Yes, about 6 months, maybe less. The benefits have been tremendous! Just making the decision was a huge benefit. But then deciding to put my all into it is what has given me the biggest rewards. I took it very seriously and put up events as suggested and went to events and ConnectingCircles as much as possible, asked questions of Maci, became a book circle leader, signed up with Big Tent with other Ambassadors, posted questions and answered them in the forum, put up fliers, followed-up with people, and continued to do all of that over and over.

Wow.  I am so touched how seriously you took this.  Thank you so very much. You really dove in, far more than most people are willing to. But, that’s everything you gave.  Can you tell me what you received from doing that?

OK…let me try this again…..personal benefits to me? A sense of hope. Feeling good about putting action and intention into something that is important to me. Seeing the truth that the things most precious to me in life take not just desire but intention, action, and commitment. I have learned that the more intention, action, and commitment I put into something the greater the reward will be. I have learned that I am able to co-create the things in life I have longed for. I have learned that giving up does not serve me. I have learned that the status quo, while safe, does not serve me. I have learned to let go of what does not serve me or bring me happiness and that the only way to have the life that I truly desire is to let go of my fear, be willing to risk rejection and disappointment, put myself out there, and be patient!

Beautiful.  Love it!  And now the flip-side.  To be fair and honest, what has been the hardest, or most disappointing part?

Hard? Nothing! Honestly, nothing has been hard. It has been sheer joy for me to be so involved. Being an Ambassador could practically be the job description for who I am as a person. It suits me, it lends itself to the gifts God put me here to share with the world, and it is completely me! It comes naturally to me and I am good at it…not to be a braggart, just to speak the raw truth of it. This is who I am. As you describe in your book, I am a 100% initiator and bringer together of people!

I think the most disappointing part has been something that you actually spoke about in your book. I appreciated reading in Chapter 6 you saying, “I cringe when I hear that….several women cancelled their attendance at a ConnectingCircle the day before-or worse, someone simply didn’t show up.”  I absolutely lean in the direction of naivety and thinking that everyone has the same jolly, happy, this-is-so-fun, let’s-do-this attitude as I do. But the truth is that even people who take the time to sign up for GFC have different levels of desire and commitment. And all I can really worry about is to continue my own level of desire and commitment, knowing it will lead me to who and where I am supposed to be. I also appreciated reading you say that, “The girl who showed up may feel embarrassed or frustrated, but she has proven to herself that she is willing to be present for something that she says is important in her life. I believe that energy will serve her.” These sentences touched my heart because that is a principle I think I have spent my life standing on even if not everyone else who has been in my life has.

What has been one of your best memories as an Ambassador so far?

Well…that is an easy one! It is at your book launch party when I asked you a question and one of the women I was with told you I was an Ambassador.  Then after telling you my name you said, “Oh yes, I know you. Maci told me I HAVE to meet you and that she thinks you are great and so wished she could have come here just to meet you!” I felt like a mini-celebrity! It was awesome to see that all the effort I had been putting in was really, really paying off….  I was with a large group of women I had met through GFC, was meeting you, was being sought after by other women there, and got to meet a woman who was there that night as the result of a flier I had put up in a Caribou coffee months previously and many, many miles away! It was an amazing night!

Look at all the friendships Kathy has helped make happen! It made me SO happy to see the love and joy among these women!

Look at all the friendships Kathy has helped make happen! It made me SO happy to see the love and joy among these women!

Well that was a highlight for me, too!  What a difference you’ve made Kathy.  It’s amazing how one woman can just start reaching out, and how much others will respond to that!  What a difference you’ve made!  Okay, last questions, if you were to give advice to others who might be willing to be Ambassadors in their areas, what would you like to tell them?

Like Nike says, “Just do it”, or more specifically, DO IT! It has been worth every moment of effort I have put into it and has changed my life in so many ways! It is not really “hard” and the rewards far surpass any time and effort that it may take. I would also definitively say that patience is required, as is tenacity. It didn’t happen overnight and it didn’t happen with the first event I created. In fact, the first 3 events I created were attended by either only one other person or no one at all. But I was patient and tenacious and would not give up!! And look, I am now being interviewed by YOU!!!  :)

Oh how grateful so many of us are that you didn’t give up.  Thank you for continuing to post events, for not taking it personally when people didn’t RSVP, and for continuing to reach out and introduce women to each other. I’m so very thankful for you!

—————————

If you’re interested in possibly being an Ambassador for Friendship in your area, go here. But whether you sign-up or not, I hope you got lots of good ideas from Kathy’s story and that it gives you the courage necessary to go post an event on the GirlFriendCircles.com calendar in your area and maybe send out a few “Let’s Connect” requests to introduce yourself to other women nearby!  Make your friendships happen!

 

 

Posted in Interviews, Making Friends, Online Tools | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Your Brain on Friendships

Posted on March 19, 2013 by ShastaGFC

On CBS Sunday Morning, a news magazine program, they ran an awesome story this last weekend about the health benefits of friendship.(Watch the clip here, if interested.)

In the segment on CBS, they showed two of these recent studies– one in the field of psychology and the other in neuroscience.

Friendships Decrease How We Perceive Stressors

First, they re-enacted the psychology study that came out of University of Virgina a few years back that revealed how we assess life differently when a friend is nearby.  Students wearing a heavy backpack at the bottom of a hill were asked to estimate the steepness of the incline.  Some students were alone as they did the assignment, others had one friend standing beside them. The lead professor, Dr. Dennis Proffitt says on Sunday Morning, “They find the hill to be steeper if they are alone, and less steep if they are with friends.”

When a friend stands nearby we perceive the hill to be less steep than when we are standing alone.

When a friend stands nearby we perceive the hill to be less steep than when we are standing alone.

First, let’s just let that one sink in for one moment.  How many of us feel exhausted or weary by life?  How many of us feel a wee bit overwhelmed?  How many of us feel like the metaphoric hill in front of us feels too steep? If there was a way to face life where our perception was radically changed to perceive our situations as a wee bit easier, less intimidating, and more do-able, would you want it?  Our social support is one such factor.

Interestingly, the research also showed that the more intimate and meaningful the friendship, the less steep the hill was perceived; and that conversely when subjects were asked to think of a neutral or disliked person they estimated the hill to be even more steep. That speaks volumes for how important forgiveness and boundaries can be– if I let someone I don’t like keep filling my thoughts then I’m more likely to view life as hard and steep!  Our invitation isn’t just to invite friends to stand close in our lives, but it’s also to find peace with those around us who might be adding to our stress.

Friendships Reduces Actual Stress in our Brains

The second highlighted study contrasted MRI brain activity when a subject who was receiving intermittent mild electrical shocks was alone or while holding the hand of a friend.  Not knowing when the shocks were going to occur, this test showed the brain response to our anticipatory anxiety, the type of stress so many of us live with as we worry about all the things that are uncertain.  The parts of our brain that sense danger are much less active when we’re holding the hand of a friend.

When we are holding the hand of a friend while experiencing anticipatory stress, there is less wear on our brains than when we face stress alone.

When we are holding the hand of a friend while experiencing anticipatory stress, there is less wear on our brains than when we face stress alone.

Dr. James Coan, the lead researcher in this study and a neuroscientist at the University of Virginia, said to CBS Sunday Morning: “The burden of coping with life’s many stressors… when you have to deal with them all by yourself, it not only feels more exhausting, it literally creates more wear on your body.”

Similarly, Dr. Coan’s work focuses a lot on marriages, too, showing that when faced with a fearful or stressful situation, it doesn’t only feel comforting to hold our husbands hand, but actually is comforting as our brain scans show that our anxiety is literally reduced.

Three Friendship Choices to Lower your Stress

I am ever grateful that the topic of friendship, which has long been held as a warm-and-fuzzy subject, is actually grabbing the attention of scientists who are able to articulate to us the significance of our relationships.  For far more than simply a feel-good theme, the results of studies that focus on our friendships are compelling us to acknowledge that this is actually one of the most important health factors in our lives. It’s long been my soapbox that right up there with “eat vegetables, exercise, and get enough sleep” should also be “spend quality time with friends.”

Because it’s not enough to just have had good friends in our past.  We actually need them now.  We don’t want to lie to our brains and say, “I’m too busy to make friends right now” which is another way of saying we’re too stressed to add one more thing, when in actuality we need those meaningful friendships to actually decrease our stress!

Here are three ways you can move toward a less-stressful, more friend-filled life.

  1. Invest now in new friends if your goal is meaningful friends.  Many of us don’t take the time to be with new friends because it’s not meaningful, easy, and deep yet compared to our close friendships.  But showing up for “coffee dates” (or your repeated activity of choice!) with a new friend now is how you make sure you have that close friend next year.
  2. Add some more consistency with someone you already feel intimate with.  Many of us have friends we know deeply but we rarely talk to them or see them because of distance. If you feel like you don’t have local close friends yet, consider talking weekly on the phone with a far-flung friend so you can at least reap the benefits of intimate support while you’re fostering the local friendships that aren’t yet intimate.
  3. Be a wee bit more vulnerable.  I devote an entire chapter in my book “Friendships Don’t Just Happen!” to this topic to help us understand what vulnerability is, what it looks like, and how appropriate it is to grow it slowly.  But in both these studies, the friend was standing close or holding a hand, which means that part of the benefit means they were nearby, present, or engaged. To simply have friends who know nothing about our lives (and therefore can’t really support us) doesn’t fully capture the benefits possible!  We have to let people get a little closer.

There was a time when people thought it silly to go jogging or work out at a gym.  It was foreign thought that we’d set aside time in our lives to exercise if we weren’t professional athletes.  But as our lives became more sedentary, the need for intentional physical movement became obvious.

Similarly, as our lives become more disconnected from tribes, social circles, and nearby family, we are in a time where we all need to swallow the truth that we must become more intentional about fostering meaningful friendships. Not just because we’re lonely or wish we had someone to go do something with, but because our health– physical and emotional– are dependent on it.

It is no small thing that with a friend nearby you will not only experience less stress, but also perceive the world with less stress. And less stress means longer lives, less disease, and more joy.

To your health!

This segment on friendship also included an interview with Dr. Irene Levine, a women I admire for her healthy friendship advice, and stories featuring two separate groups of friends. I was particularly moved by the group of male friends they showed as I think there is need for so much modeling of deep male friendship in our society.  Job well done CBS!

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Exercise & Yoga, Health, How To?, Research | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments