Almost every amazing weight loss story starts with the person describing that moment when they realized something had to change: they didn’t fit into a certain outfit, couldn’t complete a specific activity, saw a picture of themselves that shocked them or had a doctor clearly articulate their impending consequences. What’s amazing is that that moment surely wasn’t the first picture they saw of themselves, wasn’t the first size they outgrew or wasn’t their first trip to a doctors office. Denial is powerful for a long time….
Sometimes it's more obvious when we've gained weight than it is when we feel disconnected... both are equally damaging and painful though.
And I’m telling you what, there are a lot of us in denial about our need for more female friendship.
Feeling our Disconnection
At almost every networking event I attend, when I describe to strangers that I help match women up for friendship, I inevitably hit a nerve.
Women I barely know start telling me how they still feel the loss of a recent friend who drifted away, as though begging me to explain why it hurts so much. Some will concur how difficult it was upon moving here to figure out how to date for friends, telling me wishfully about their good friends back in New York City, or wherever home was before here. A few will inevitably tear up in recognition that they are one of the throngs of women who feel lonelier than they care to admit. It never ceases to amaze me how vast the need is felt.
And keep in mind, these are the confident and strong women who are willing to network after-hours for their businesses and seem to know everyone around them. Yet they still feel unknown. Ironically, at a time when our Facebook friend and Twitter count is growing rapidly, so is our loneliness. We are networked, but we seem to be lacking the real friends we need.
We’re a whole lot more disconnected than we seem to be admitting to ourselves.
Unfortunately, feeling disconnected is as dangerous to our health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day and twice as harmful as being obese. This area of our life needs to move from the “it would be nice to have” category to the “I’ll do whatever it takes to get it” category.
Feeling our Inspiration
Back to the weight loss metaphor. While denial is admittedly there, it’s often not that we don’t see our weight gain as much as we don’t always see what we can do differently.
When that breakthrough moment in the success story is shared, it’s not that she suddenly realized she had put on weight. It’s that she finally decided to care enough about it to believe she could change the outcome. Seeing the need is certainly a crucial step (it’s step 1 of AA, after all) but just as significant is seeing how much power we actually have in providing the solution.
With research now suggesting that women are replacing half their friends every seven years, the process of finding, maintaining, fixing, growing, and letting go of friendships is only going to increase. This means most of us will feel the need several times in our lives. It also means we need to become skillful in fostering new friendships.
My passion is to be a spirited voice on the journey giving us all a loving kick in the butt to admit how much we care and to engage in ways that will produce for us the friends we crave. It’s not going to happen instantly. But this time next year, you could have a local circle of friends. Truly.
Have you ever felt denial over your need for friends? Why do you think it’s hard to admit to ourselves? Do you feel more overwhelmed with the need or with feeling powerless to do anything about it?
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Huge thanks for sticking with me through the blog transfer to wordpress and feedblitz. I invite you to keep journeying with me as we carry on the conversation. Forward any posting, share on facebook or twitter and definitely leave some comments so I know you’re out there! 
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I agree with this blog. I moved to my area 3 years ago and even though my “close” friends are 45 minutes away, I need close friends closer to my new home area. It’s hard to make friends with busy family and work schedules. Life keeps us going in many different directions. But I miss the companionship. I miss having friends to do things with on a regular basis. I am looking forward to that changing.
I agree. I had the thought that my female workers at my job were my friends and that was enough. THere was no need to see them on the weekend when I was with them for eight hours a day, five days a week. After quitting my job, I recognized that I needed more girlfriends when one day I ‘woke up’ and realized that my best friend is in Sacramento and I have no one here in the Bay Area to hang out with, go shopping with, get a cup of coffee with, go out to dinner with sans husband. Through your site I’ve met a small group of great women that I am getting to know better. It is indeed tough to meet new women friends. However, I find that the gym is a great place, especially if there is a group workout. And don’t be afraid to become a little more friendly with your masseuse or hair dresser. Good friendships are found there as well.
Great ideas! Thanks Robin! So glad to have you in the GirlFriendCircles community too!
I moved to the Tacoma, Wa area 12 years ago and STILL have only a few friends outside of work. I haven’t had any luck with GF Circles in the Gig Harbor/Tacoma areas. Has this changed at all? I am so ready for friends… !
It’s funny you should mention becoming friends with your hairdresser, or such. I happen to like mine very much as a person, and have thought of trying to get together outside of the “salon”, but then I feel she probably has enough friends because of her job, and I don’t work anymore so I need friends, but I don’t want to appear desperate. So I never pursue it. And probably never will, unfortunately.
Where in the Bay Area do you live. I am in the Tri Valley and am looking for friends that like to do things. Mine friends always seem too tired.
We have been a military family for a long time and I was used to evolving friendships and developing new social circles with each move. Except for this last time. A diagnoses for a serious disease occurred at the same time as our move. I landed in this new place pretty much housebound and can not get out that often due to the health situation. I am alone for about 9 hours a day M – F. I can no longer drive and there is no public transportation in our area, nor can I join different organizations, etc. like I used to.
I have not been able to build up a social network or friends since arriving here 5 years ago.
I do have people I talk to on the ‘net but that doesn’t feel ‘real’. I am attending online classes to achieve a college degree, I have my art and hobbies and so forth to keep me busy, but, I still crave interaction with other people.
What is someone in my situation supposed to do? I am really feeling the weight of the isolation and can even see changes in myself because of it.
Rayne– so sorry for the health situation that certainly does complicate the process! Typically that would the time to have your friends rally around you but add that to a move and what a hard combination to hold! Courage to you. This would be a great question to put out to others for some ideas for you! Gad to have you on the journey….
can you Skype with friends (or phone, though it’s not the same)? Can you be mobile in the evenings after a companion comes home and could drive you somewhere to connect with others? I am by no means an expert, but I know that through hospitals etc. there are ‘support groups’ for people dealing with different diagnoses or situations. For example when my Aunt died, my Uncle did not know what to do with himself. He grudgingly went to a ‘grief’ group and made some very meaningful connections and friends.
or is there a Medivan or similar service that would be worth investing in once a week, or once a month, whatever, in order to transport you to/from the house to meet up with a connecting group related to your hobbies, etc? Best of luck to you
I have tried the Skype thing, and I do have one friend who will Skype with me but, her connection keeps dropping off. My mother sees it as some kind of voodoo and stays totally away from it, and everyone else doesn’t want to be seen on video because it ‘makes them look funny’.
I also tried to find a transportation service, however, no luck so far. I even called the state social services and every place else I could think of. I am not giving up hope, yet, though.
By the time my husband comes home it is dinner time and after that he really doesn’t want to go anywhere, however, he is more than willing to take me anywhere I want to go on weekends and I seriously take advantage of that when I am feeling well enough.
He did come up with an idea I think is worth exploring. He suggested the local Veteran’s retirement home. To volunteer at, I mean. I was thinking that visiting for a few hours one day a week (he thinks he can shuffle his hours around once a week so the can drive me without causing an issue at work) would at least get me out of the house, I can feel useful and talk to some interesting people who might also be feeling lonely. What do you think?
YES! That may not solve your friend issue (though one never knows!) but it certainly would give you more interaction and sense of purpose. One of the things I always think is important in situations like yours is to do everything you can to lean into things that will give you energy and joy. If volunteering will be one of those things then by all means step into it!
Hello,
As a 40yr old mom of three. My life is so busy but at the end of the day I do find myself missing that girlfriend bonding. I have had a few so called friends who refered to us as best friends but in reality they did not know the meaning of a true friendship. To date I am no longer friends with any of them because of betrayal. Or me putting in alot to the friendship and not receiving not even a courtesy gesture of any kind. I do not feel it is asking for much when you just want someone to be that ear that you are to them. So in the end here I am wishing anf hoping. Anyone lese experience what Im feeling? Or is it just me?
Lissa
You’re not alone! And being a mom can heighten the feeling of there never being enough time to connect with others. Just admitting the desire is a good start– this time you desire reciprocated friendships that love you well!
Lissa..you are not alone. I read your response thinking that I wrote it. One because my name is Lisa and two I have the same experiences. I am putting too much effort into building a friendship and not getting much effort back. I have been trying for over a year. You are not alone.
I am a single mother with grown kids. My friends all got married and moved away. I basically have one married friend left here but no one to go out and have some fun with (chat, movie, lunch, etc.). So what do we do?
You’re going to have to forge new friendships… the tricky part is that they won’t feel meaningful at first. But let’s start the process! I’m glad you’re on the journey. My blog will hopefully be of help along the way!
I no longer have kids at home. They are both away at college. I am self employed and other than my clients, I find it very hard to meet new people. I am home and available in the mid day time, and I never encounter many people who are home and working, and want to ” connect” during the day. I sometimes miss working in an office and having other office “friends”. It seems to get harder and harder to meet new women ” friends ” as I get older. People don’t want to step outside of their comfort zone and even when you make that first move, its doesn’t seem to go anywhere. I think computers and Facebook have made us all in non social people. The gym has been the best place to meet new people, but its hard to make that next step.
I agree. I am in the same situation. I am going to be 49 have no close friends living near me and would love to have friends to go to lunch with, take walks, etc.
I agree with this as well. I’m 45 and have been here 5 years and have yet to really connect. I notice that there are a lot of natives to this area and they are not welcoming to newcomers. We only moved an hour south, but it might as well be the other side of the moon!
I have tried helping out the working moms (I’m a SAHM) by helping with daycare issues and watching out for their kids while they work. However, when there is a neighborhood mom get-together or other party, I still get snubbed.
I just recently joined a Meetup.com bookclub in my area and that seems promising. I’ve tried volunteering, scrapbooking, etc., but to no avail. I won’t give up yet though. I’m hoping to meet more school parents next year when my oldest joins the H.S. marching band too.
Fabulous ideas Sarah. And, yes, don’t give up!
I also agree with the above comments. I am a single business owner and mother with a daughter that still lives at home. I am always busy and go out once in awhile but find it hard to really connect with women who can be potential friends. My best friend moved to florida a number of years ago and remarried. Most of my friends are married now or in relationships. Both of my parents are gone and at this time in my life you have to make your friends your family.
Hello,
Your words on this post hit a place close to my heart especially right now. I am alone on my computer, Dave Mathews playing on Pandora Radio, sun setting, dogs fed, husband at a Sharks game, tasks finished for the day (except the never ending laundry) and feeling alone. Its kind of weird because I am considered social and bubbly and yet I get the feeling of loneliness. I think part of it is that I am home a lot on this computer connecting with my job but in a way missing the real connecting which is seeing someone in person. I sit here frozen wanting to get out and meet a friend for dinner & wishing someone would contact me. I did txt my friend that I met through girlfriends circle & she is not able to go out tonight because of her young children. So now I will turn this night around and find some joy in it. I love to cook so I will rummage through my fridge, whip up something yummy and toast myself with a glass of cab to the friends I do have & I am just not able to see them on this Tuesday night. I am having a friend for coffee here at my house at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow so we will be seeing each other face to face with home made grits and eggs and a deep filled conversation. I am feeling better!! The power of the written word!!
So beautifully written Kellie… and thanks for acknowledging that even the social and bubbly among us feel lonely. And kudos to you for turning the night around…
Thanks for writing in!
Shasta,
You got something great here. I went to bed with a better feeling about my life. I also shared some of my post with my friend over grits and eggs this morning. Thank you for shining your energy on something so important which is connecting with friends!!
Well if anyone here would like to establish a friendship I’m more than open to it. I know everyone here is all over the US but if it is worth anything I’m open for conversation. We all seem to have that one thing in common. We want a true friend.
I would love to chat…maybe we can share ideas.
I too feel isolated in this world. Everyone is shut up in their houses or driving around in their cars. It’s a lonely world. I have some friends and family, but sometimes I want someone who just wants to share experiences. Seems we don’t have enough time, but the time we do have is spent alone.
I relocated 6 years ago and over time the close friends I had changed and drifted away.Shasta, your blog was such a relief in finding out this is normal! Lol What I did to get out and meet people was to join meetup.com. They have meetup groups all over the world for anything you can think of, meeting REAL people. I organized my own group last fall-Divine Girlfriends. We have all ages of women and have great fun! Movies,brunch, seen a roller derby bout. We’re going to Ladies Night at the shooting range this month lol. Don’t give up,ladies! Think outside the box. Shasta, you’re so inspiring and I love your blog. Keep up the great work!!
Thank you so much Melanie! Meetup.com is a fabulous resource, is way more established than GirlFriendCircles and let’s you join by interest. It’s definitely worth everyone trying!
Melanie,
Great comment! I echo your sentiments entirely.
Shasta,
I just recently joined GFC and love it! I met a few women thru your site and had dinner with them last Saturday. We had a great time, and the food and service were fabulous! Thanks to you, I have been able to meet some potential friends in a safe, yet friendly environment. And, we are looking forward to another outing soon! I’m having fun! Thanks again, Shasta!
in response to the article.. I have been acutely aware of how much I need to make new connections, with every friend that drops off the face of the earth after marriage and kids despite best intentions. I oscillate between overwhelmed and powerless. Even when you do cross paths with a new person and think to yourself, they would be a great friend —— how on earth do you bridge the gap and hint that you would love a ‘friend-date’/chance to get together without sounding like a huge needy loser? My attempts at it have not been smooth or fruitful so I could use some heartfelt ‘pickup lines’
(side note, this is why GFC fills such a great need, so I’m hoping it will take off and expand in my city — because you know everybody there just by showing up has the same exact goal you do! pressure off. I have met a couple great girls so far and hopefully friendships will grow, but it takes time. The friends I have I have known for years!!)
You and me both are hoping it will take off where you live!
Thanks for your hope! And it sounds like a great blog idea: Friend Dating Pick up Lines. LOL! It is hard and we have very little protocol. Thanks for writing in!
I too feel very isolated where I am. I’ve moved from California to Massachussetts and find it hard to meet people I can connect with and feel inspired to stay in touch with. I live in the suburbs away from the city and the zoning here is such that you don’t really see or run into your neighbors often. I’m married to a really great guy and sometimes I think he is all I need, especially because some of the female friends I’ve had have hurt or betrayed me. It’s hard to get over that. Sometimes I think I’m jaded and suspect females of being self centered or opportunistic and I keep those women far away from me. I’ve been told that I put out that I don’t need anything from anyone and so people don’t see where or how they might be able to fit in my life or to see how I might fit in theirs, and thus don’t bother. It’s always been easier for me to make friends with men than with women but those friendships end once they find a wife or girlfriend. I’m happy to admit here that I want and need more girlfriends but around real people I’m ashamed I don’t have as many friends compared to what everyone expects me to have. The fact is, I have a great life. I’ve traveled to many exotic places, I don’t need to work, I have a husband whom I adore and adores me, I’m actually very happy until he has to leave me to travel for work and then I find myself thinking about who i can call to go shopping with or have a drink with. My biggest complaint is that I don’t have girl friends who live close by to do fun things without my husband. And some of the potential girlfriends I’ve had, I had to keep far away from me as soon as they discovered I have a great life…because they got envious and wanted to take my
place. I don’t see this happening to men and wonder why I have to worry about people like that and they don’t. I’m a nice person and am very generous and wonder why Im having such a hard time finding like minded, trustworthy women to hang out with. I can’t be the only one who feels this way. I’m hoping to keep reading this blog and find a new solution to an old problem. Is it my mindset that needs to change to attract like minded females I can actually trust who will not want to take over my life? I need to meet more females who are happy with their lives that they don’t want to live mine.
I’m a 30 year old mother of two young children. I work full time building relationships with business reps, so in the big picture of things I should be able to make new friends outside of the workplace easily. Honesly, I’m scared to. Maybe I’m scared of rejection … hmmm… what an interesting thought. I use the excuse that I’m sure most mothers use, ‘life is too busy’. But it really hit me the last time my husband and I had a disagreement – he said to me, ‘you need some friends’. The woman I considered my ‘best friend’ moved away about 5 years ago and just a year ago my mother moved away. Yes, we still talk on the phone and Skype…but the companionship is just not the same as say having a sparatic lunch or coffee date. What I’m doing about this: I reached out, via facebook, to some old co-workers and I’ve put together a book club! I was thrilled when the 6 women I proposed the book club to were equally as excited as I was to get together for some well needed, well deserved ‘girl-time’.
It is so nice to read all these posts.. it makes me realize that its not just me who feels this way. I used to have a friend who made me feel like I was sort of crazy. She was still friends with all the women she went to high school with, in her 50′s. I haven’t kept in touch and am a completely different person that the girl I was in high school. I want to cultivate women that I enjoy and have things in common with now, as a forty ish married women. Is there a way to direct email anyone from these posts??
Jodi, I don’t think you can direct email anyone but you can reply to each other. And I’ll look into whether there is a plug-in option where people can have that choice to show their website or email address, etc. Thanks for writing in and yes, you’re definitely not crazy as it’s now the norm that most of us don’t live near our high school friends.
I love your blogs but was having a hard time with this one…couldn’t get past the picture of struggling with the jeans…how did you get that photo of me anyway???
If only all of us lived close to each other. We could have a support group where we can share ideas on how to develop good friendships and cheer each other on thru the tough times.
Hi Ladies,
Do you find that in your fourtys making sincere friendships is even more difficult? I mean yes you have the established friends who have moved away or just dont care about your friendship anymore but making new friends is hard. Not to mention it’s hard to trust. Does anyone else find this to be true?
I have often wondered the same thing but I cannot tell if it’s our age, or my moving to nyc or a combination of both. I do find a lot of younger people wanting to be my friend though and they seem to enjoy making conversation where with people in my age group, they claim to never have any time. Thanks for sharing that.
I too find it difficult to make friends in the forties. Maybe because some have friendship cards that are already full or they don’t recognize the need for close friendships. All this coupled with the fact that you are not willing to tolerate certain types of people into your life.
Hi Lissa,
If you think forties is hard, please keep trying. Making friends when your in your fifties is even more difficult. It seems that many women become very complacent in life and their energy level is decreased. I’m truely hoping to find wonderful friendships in my very first “connecting circle” meeting this evening. Wish me luck and I in turn wish you many new found friends.
Echo
I agree with all of you. Being in my 50′s its very difficult to meet new friends. I meet and talk to new people all day in my business but that is not the same as having a group of close friends just to have some fun with like I use to have. I was so excited to find this website, but unfortunately there is no group where I live. I tried advertising on another website, but didn’t get any response there. I know I am not alone, especially after reading all these blogs, so I can only hope that some new women will join the club and a group near me will form! Good luck everybody!
I wonder if anyone has had this experience with therapists?
I have had several therapists on occasion over the last 20+ yrs in different places across the country. I have spent maybe 7 yrs of that time in therapy total, and realized that after a little probing into their lives none of them are very social or have many friends themselves and they seem to think it is perfectly fine to be by yourself and that is healthy.
I refuse to go to therapy anymore because every single one of them has been so overly concerned about my my autonomy and independence rather than my building bridges to my community, family and friends. I don’t feel this is right, as a therapist you should teach patients to build bridges with their boundaries not just have boundaries that create walls. I find myself flipped over, into becoming something I was never before and unhappy about it. Now I have to find my way out on my own.
I’m not sure where this is coming from except they have a one size fits all approach so if they see a woman who has a detrimental relationship in her life it’s fair to assume that things must change, and being free from that would be the answer but I am the most independent person I know and happy to be that way! A single mom and I have no family and yet every time I want to find progress in relationships, I am being told over and over there is nothing wrong with being by yourself. That way of thinking has sucked the soul right out of me and I am just as aloof as the next guy, something I never wanted to become. Now I have too many boundaries, really walls, and I am in my 40′s in nyc. Not a great combo for finding friends, actually very difficult considering my job and eating habits are not very common.
Now we are finding more evidence like this, that relationships are crucial for well being and health. I tried desperately to explain this to each of my therapists, written letters speaking to other therapists who were friends of mine. The things I found out about therapists lives were downright scary.
I love that you brought up this article because I think we need to admit we need friends and therapy really needs to get on board with this too.
I wonder if we admit to women we that we need friends…what would happen? Would they be more receptive and responsive? There so many people on this site that are looking for friendship however in real life I am not meeting people like myself. Maybe we are hiding in the closet. Maybe the people we meet think our friendship card is full. It is difficult for me to believe that people get the impression that my friendship card is full when I are constantly reaching out.. Hey would you like to have coffee? Lets get the kids together for a playdate. Let have a girls night out.
What do you think?
For me at this point I’m even willing to have email pals. I know it sounds corny but it’s a start and see what happens from there.
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