Someday when I’m ninety I look forward to making a comparison of what it was like making new friends in each decade, in different life stages.
Until I have personal experience that only comes with more birthdays, I can only guess and lean on women who share what it’s like from their vantage point. Here’s what I’ve heard so far, and I look forward to your comments to teach me more!
Friend-Making In Our Twenties, Thirties & Forties
In some ways, being in my twenties felt most challenging. The New York Times reported,
One-third of people in their 20s move to a new residence every year. Forty percent move back home with their parents at least once. They go through an average of seven jobs in their 20s, more job changes than in any other stretch.
Is it harder to make friends in our twenties with all our moves and new jobs?
Those kinds of statistics take friend-making to a whole new level! Add to all those transitions our own search for figuring out who we are after a decade of trying to be like everyone else. We’re getting our feet on the ground, but a lot still feels uncertain!
The thirties seem to bring polarizing life choices to friendships– the decision to have kids (when, how many, how to raise, whether to stay-at-home or not) marriages and divorces, increased awareness around wanting to live life around our personal values even if the outcome is less than popular, the financial disparity that was less existent when we were all in our first jobs, etc. Somehow we all felt like we had more in common in our twenties and now we’re not so sure what commonality holds us together.
The forties seem to be where most women report the most exhaustion. Maybe they just admit it more? Or maybe they actually do feel it more now as their too-full schedules with kids and career seem to leave them feeling a great sense of disconnection to what they once valued. The ever-present tired feeling can make it hard to want to schedule the time a new friendship demands. And it seems they don’t always feel especially close to the women they actually call their friends (mostly work connections and their children’s social calendar network) so just adding more people into life certainly wouldn’t be appealing.
Friend-Making Over Fifty…
But it’s when we’re in our fifties that it seems we report the most loneliness.
Kids, careers and spouses were effective ways to meet new friends in the younger days, but as our kids move out, divorces occur and we cut back on working at the office, those popular areas of commonality become less helpful in forging introductions. Plus, the life experiences of baby-boomers now decidedly include having their own fair-share of death, divorce, loss and disappointment, which increasingly heightens the desire to have real friends, not just a social network.
Another challenge to friendships for those facing retirement, which often includes a new move closer to grand kids, to a warmer place or to a dream house, could mean leaving behind a network of local friends and starting the process all over at a time where you want to be reaping the benefits of time already put in.
Does making new friends get easier or more difficult with age?
Even without a move, in retirement, the disparity between financial freedom, health & fitness levels, relationship status, hobbies and life choices might become more obvious within a circle of friends. While one friend might view retirement as the time to go travel and live life up, another might feel it’s time to live cautiously and stay close to home. Differences can feel heightened at an age where how one spends their time really matters to them.
Friend-Making All Along the Way Matters
It makes sense that as generations age, our awareness of the importance of caring for our physical and emotional health seems to intensify. Research has long shown the benefits of friendship to preventative & restorative health, increased happiness and lower stress levels, but as findings are connected to longevity, all of us should definitely take note.
In fact, Dr. Jacqueline Olds, a psychiatrist and prolific author says, “Aside from genetics, the two most important factors in longevity are exercise and a network of friends.” And certainly as our exercise abilities change as we age, the friendship piece could play a stronger and more significant role in the quality of our life.
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Questions: Ladies, are you willing to tell us what decade you’re in and how that impacts your friend-making journey? Tell me what challenges it brings. Tell me also what makes it more meaningful or easy at this life stage. I lean on your experience to help me better articulate the needs that are unique to your contemporaries.
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Being in my mid- thirties, it is the first time in my life, that I have actually felt a lack of friends. But it is the also the first time I have differentiated between aquatainces vs. friends.
I have a clear vision of what I would like out of friendships. It is difficult because I am looking for friends to get out & have fun with & I am finding women either who still have young kids or moms you view going out as as a scheduling problem,so that it is easier to talk on the phone. I have been raising 4 kids so I am excited to be able to go to dinner or a movie. But my biggest problem in making new friendships is ..it either feels they have a strongly established group of friends or I am worried that their schedule is already too packed to fit in another activity. So that makes me apprehensive to ask aquatainces to get together.
When I was younger, I kinda just took friendships as they came. Really never saw a woman thought she looked interesting,then had a friendship develop. Making friendships in the past has felt natural, effortless, almost even accidental. Not it seems to be purposeful, orchestrated, just down right hard! Heck even discouraging:-(
I think with so many shifts in peoples’ lives, friendships have always been a challenge. As a woman in her 40′s with no children, it has been difficult to connect with people in my age range because usually they are involved with their child’s activities. I have joined Meetup groups, taken classes, and volunteer but haven’t seemed to make any deeper connections beyond acquaintances.
I completely understand how Jules feel. I am also in my early forties and do not have kids and it seems difficult to find women that I have much in common with. It also seems to be so much easier for women with children to make friends because they have an automatic social network that develops through playdates or other child-related activities.
I am actively seeking out new friendships – I am 53 – A widow since 48. In exactly two months my youngest will be off to college and new adventures. The friendships I had with my husband are pretty much non-existant. Simply being single and attractive, I no longer fit into the married group and find that my married friends are pretty much only available via telephone, facebook and email. I will say this, when you get older, you figure out who has been in your life for you or what you were giving to them. You can’t feel bad if you weed out people that have been sucking the life out of you nor can you have regrets – People enter your life whether for a reason, season or life time and you must figure out the part you play. I use Meetup.com to find people with simular interests and ages to hopefully establish new relationships. You also have to get very comfortable with your own skin. I don’t have a lot of income and I want to travel – so I travel with groups – so future friendships will be carefully selected as to how they jell with me and the stage I am in “right now”
I am in my late 40′s. I once had a best friend for 17 years. We met when taking our 5 yr old girls to kindergarden. We clicked right away and thru the years we had our up and downs shared laughter and tears and supported eachother in bad times with our families. Like I said, I once HAD a best friend until 3 yrs ago when we had a fall out. I noticed a change in my friend after she developed neuropathy from having shingles. I could only imagine the pain she was having. After many visits to the doctor she wound up being on alot of meds. She had to take meds to cover the side effect of another med that led her to be depressed caused yet by another med ….she became more angry, impatient and sad. After awhile I could not take the harshness of her advice to me when it came to family issues and told her so in an email….it went back and forth until the final note she wrote that I was never a true friend and wants nothing to do with me. I tried several times in the past 3 yrs to reconnect, to bring some closure to what went on and asked many times if we could get together and just talk. The answer was always no. So I gave up….17 yrs of what I thought was a true friendship was flushed down. The only friends I have are a few co-workers that I keep in touch now and then and it seems to be enough for me now. I am afraid to have a close friendship with anyone. My best friend now is my fiance but of course its not the same, ….you cant have girl talk with him….and I miss that.
Teri,
Hold onto the memories of your friend as she was. Remember the good. I do know it is hard making friends, but sometimes you find them in unsual places. I count myself fortunate to have two friends I met online for the last ten years. You will make a new friend and the relationship will be even better because of what you’ve been through. Your fiance is wonderful–he has to be you’re engaged, but he’s a man. Hard to get a man excited about makeovers or a girls night out. LOL
Morgan
I’m in the forties decade and loving it! It is an exhausting balancing act when you have a teenager and a full-time career, but I always try to make time to get together with friends at least once a week. Unlike many women my age, I don’t rely on work nor my son’s school for friendship outlets. Some of my best friendships grew organically from various book clubs I have joined as well as hiking groups. If friendship is a priority in your life, you just have to make the effort. The rewards are worth it!
I have come to a cross road at this stage of my life……
My girls are grown, and on their own, my husband wanted to *make a change*…..so we sold our home that we raised our family in, a home that I loved……and had lived in for close to 26 years…..all my friends were there……from childhood, to friends I made at work and then friends I made through my girls schools…..volunteering etc….and in my neighborhood, we all raised our families, so it was like leaving my extended family in my neighborhood.
I quit working 18 years ago, to be a full time stay at home mom…but, that job is over with now.
My husbands parents fell ill, during the time we sold our house…..one of them passed away, now the other one is in an assisted living place in Calif…where we are from.
We made the choice to move out of state, to clear out my in laws home, and to get it ready for sale…..I’ve never lived out of state before….
It’s been very isolating being so far from family and friends….. we had met a few couples in the new *hood* nice people, but that *click* hasn’t happened….we’ve been here a year……now, our job is finished, the house is sold, and we are now moving back to Calif….not Southern this time, Northern, and have a house in escrow up there so I face the challenge of starting over again…
I’ll be 58 next month, I don’t mind telling my age…LOL…why lie??…..anyway, I feel a lot younger than my 58 years, am active…etc….it’s lonely with out my girlfriends to pal around with…..
I know I have my husband and I am grateful for him…. but,I need women friends…..that share the same passions, that I do……who like to be outdoors, who like to walk/hike….shopping……and who are not old at heart…..people willing to *have fun*….and be active…..
I guess I’ll cross that road when I come to it……as this will be a permanent move…..
Turning fifty makes me more desirous of have witty, intelligent women friends. Up till now due to my ex’s job, I moved every 18 months to 2 years leaving behind jobs, friends and a really good Japanese restaurant. I have tried the usual routes even using Craigslist. I wouldn’t suggest that. I am sorry to report most women I met indulge in a surface-style relationship, seldom delving deeper. I’ve joined groups–hobby and athletic. I do have friends there I see once a month or so. Still, I am looking for a good girl friend relationship. I am open to suggestions. Because I am in a non-traditional relationship ( not married), I know that puts some women off. I am open to all suggestions.
Ironically in my search for a girlfriend, I’ve cultivated the friendship of both my sisters and my adult daughter.
I am 47 and have had problems making friends. I’ve been told it’s because I come across as ‘too confident’ – WTF?- and what does that say about we women who are intimidated by confidence? Anyway, I have met a group of girlfriends via a speedfriending event in SF last September and we have made the effort to meet once a month (or more) to keep in touch. Three live in the SF area, one is in Millbrae, one is in San Bruno… It is tough to keep up friendships, even newly made ones. I too lost a BFF that I knew since 5th grade. I reached out to reconnect via a letter over the summer and she hasn’t responded and am a bit sad about that, but it was over 10 years since we last communicated. I don’t want to be depressed again (finally diagnosed and am on pharmacopia) so have made more of an effort to be more outgoing with the group of ladies in my Tuesday group class, and have asked my masseuse ‘out’ to the Irish pub for lunch and to watch the Ireland v Macedonia EURO qualifier last weekend. I’d like more contact with all my friends, but I’ll take whatever I can get.
Hi Shasta-
You have a post, I never noticed the date, but I just got so much from it about open hands. When I jumped to the new blog I can’t seem to find it! I really love it, re-read it regularly:-)
I would appreciate your help finding it, please. Thank you mam’
Suzannah
Suzannah,
Sorry for the delay! Here is a link to the previous blog you mention: https://www.girlfriendcircles.com/archive/The_Art_of_the_Open_Hand0143.aspx
I’m honored not only that you remember it, but that it was meaningful too! Thank you!
Yeah when you get older it is hard to meet people. Everyone is busy. If I meet someone that I think that I can connect with, I’m not their type. This one friend I made dropped out of GC because she was displeased with the connecting circles. She tried to connect and others showed no interest. She wondered what she did wrong and chose to drop out of GC. What do others think of this?
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Diane, I think I should blog on this some more…. it’s so easy to give up when it feels tough, isn’t it? I hope your friend finds a way to engage with potential friends that is meaningful to her. And I hope you find ways to connect with people– I’m not a big fan of people having a “type” so I’m glad to hear that you’re open and willing! May you find others are too!
I’m in my sixties, new to the area. Someone recommended GC but it seems that most events planned are for younger women. I’ll keep looking!
I don’t know where to start. I’ve never had so much trouble making friends before. My closest friend is a lot younger than I and just had a second child so getting together is going to start getting harder. I know a lot of people but it’s very rare that someone calls me to get together.
California, my fifth state, is an incredibly difficult place to make friends. I grew up in NY and lived in Florida, Georgia and Illinois. I am married (got married at 41 so I was single a long time) but have no children. I just turned 60 and most of the women I meet are married with children or single.
I’ve been to a few CC but really didn’t click with anyone. It just felt like more work. 2010 and the beginning of 2011 were particularly difficult for me ( my dog got cancer a year ago and died in July and my husband was in the hospital twice in January and February) and never felt so alone in my life. (I can’t get a new dog just yet. My oldest cat couldn’t take it right now.)The majority of my support came from out of town. What is it? People are afraid to bother you? I dunno.
Hooray for Facebook. I have 400 friends on it. How twisted is that? I’ll shut up now.
Roberta,
Thanks for sharing so honestly! And so sorry to hear about the pain in losing your dog and hospitalizing your husband…
I will say that friendship in the early stages will feel like work… no doubt about it. But that’s okay. Just because it feels tough doesn’t mean it’s not worth it or won’t be meaningful. People can’t be there for you in the big stuff if you haven’t built up a relationship around the smaller moments in life…. I wish you the very best as you engage, even when painful and awkward. Don’t give up!
I know I’m late to this party but I just had to make a comment. I’m 53, newly separated, and I have a 14 year old daughter. I just recently moved from the east coast to the west coast to start over. My father died in 2009; mother died in 2010; separation, move, and brother died in 2011. These last few years have been a living hell and I feel like I’ve had no emotional support. Making friends in your 50′s in difficult no matter what, but I spent the last decade living in one city and working in another so my personal life was always in limbo. I’m just now starting to try GC and Meetup as a way to meet people. I think I may be too intense for many women. I don’t do chit chat well and tend toward deeper conversation. I also owned my own business for 14 years. I’ve learned to be comfortable in my own skin and enjoy my own company. I’m also very physically fit and spend time at the gym but being fit takes focus and not distraction so making friends there isn’t easy either. I have no intention of giving up now. The way I see it, this is a brand new start and I hope to make the best of it.
Welcome Susan and so glad to e-meet you! Those last few years do sound massively difficult and painful– so much loss and transition. Hugs! If you can take the focus that you’ve seemed to give to business and health and give some of it to people– I’m thinking you’ll have some great friends this time next year!
Glad to have you on the journey.