On Saturday morning, a beautiful girl stood on the Spark & Hustle stage. She was the only speaker of the 3-day conference to wear tennis shoes and jeans. Her stylish t-shirt proclaimed “Save the Ta-tas.”
Julia Fikse, Founder of Save the Ta-Tas is the kind of girl you want to call a friend.
Julia Fikse’s presentation, which was to challenge the 100+ female business entrepreneurs to consider how their companies could contribute to non-profit causes, began with words of vulnerability. She applauded the attendees for their courage in coming to a conference, admitting how hard it can be show up in a room full of strangers. To illustrate that point, she shared an experience from the evening prior that happened to her in the hotel restaurant.
It’s a story I regret to share.
Julia’s Honesty
Upon her late arrival to the conference, she approached a table of three attendees during their dinner to inquire about the conference schedule, since registration had already closed. She wondered what other programming was happening later in the evening and what time the conference started the following morning. They answered her questions. She thanked them and went back to her table for one.
What they didn’t know, and what she didn’t say until the following morning, was how much she had wished those three women had invited her to dinner. In that moment of not being included, she joked about feeling like she was back in junior high school days with the sting of wanting to fit in.
My Honesty
The story obviously touched me. Indeed, two days before, in speaking at the same conference, I had shared similar words. Hoping to normalize the experience for all attendees, I acknowledged the courage it takes to come to conferences where we always wonder if we’ll fit in. The two of us were the two speakers to acknowledge that fear publicly.
That’s what makes this next ironic sentence hard to write: I was one of those three women at that table that triggered her feeling of rejection.
Three Reminders I Take Away
Ugh! I feel embarrassed to admit it. And certainly don’t have to, but obviously feel that the learning potential of the moment outweighs my own regret.
- It’s Always Better to Give Her the Option. After she returned to her table, the question was asked at ours: “Should we invite her to eat with us?” We turned around to look for her and saw that she had a glass of wine in front of her and that she was scribbling in a notebook. We concluded “She’s working on her talk for tomorrow morning” and decided to not interrupt her. We assumed that we’d be a distraction or that she wouldn’t be interested. In hindsight, what would have been the harm in us asking her anyway? How ironic that she wanted to eat with us and we wanted it too—and yet it didn’t happen for lack of asking.
- Feeling Rejected is Rarely About Us. You need to know—Julia seems like one incredible woman. The kind of person I would definitely want as a friend. I mean, anyone who is so passionate about a cause that she’s willing to sign over half her paycheck to making a difference; and do so in a humorous and fun way—I’d count myself lucky to know her. So here is a clear example that while she felt the rejection, I can assure you, being the other person, that it was nothing about her. It was our own distractions and assumptions that prevented the moment. I know what it’s like on the other side, taking it personal, so it’s good to have reminders that our feeling of rejection is rarely about us.
- Defaulting to Yes! Akin to walking by a brand promoter on the street, only to realize I don’t even know what I just refused, I realize that sometimes my default response pushes me to say no before I even evaluate the option. It’s often only after passing the moment that I realize I never even asked what they were giving away. We say no so easily. I, in essence, said no to someone I very much wish I had said yes to. My default needs to be yes. My default needs to be looking for people to meet. My default needs to remind me to have eyes to see the potential around me. I wonder how many of us miss moments with new friends for lack of simply not jumping on the moment?
The truth is that we all want to be accepted. No one wants to risk feeling rejected. We often think that it’s the shy-est, most vulnerable in the room that we need to be sensitive to, when in fact it’s also the well-known speaker who is out saving the world and running an impressive company. No matter who we are, we want to be included.
Julia, I am so sorry. It is my loss. You are the kind of woman I want to know. I’d be honored to take you to dinner the next time you’re in San Francisco or I’m in L.A. Or, should we ever find ourselves in a hotel restaurant again– please know, you are most welcome at my table. 
`
I am proud of you and your acknowledging that an offense happened. Many people are going to look up to you even more, especially me. Kudos 2 U.
oh thank you Joan… I cringe to admit these kind of things. May we all learn from it!
I have been in your shoes, before. It’s something that still bothers me. I would like to say that I now always remember to ask, or to include someone but the truth is I still get distracted or still just assume. Not as often, but sometimes it does still happen. After reading about your experience I am going to try even harder to step out of my own world and distractions and remember to ask.
Love the article, yet I wonder at how you ended it. A sort of vague, you’re welcome at my table anytime, leaves the outsider still asking to be let inside. It really demonstrates how difficult it is to truly change your behavior no matter how much you would like to make yourself more welcoming. This is how I would suggest an edit to your ending.
Julia, I am so sorry. It is my loss. You are the kind of woman that I would like to know as a friend. I am going to write to you and invite you to dinner. Or should we ever find ourselves in the same hotel restaurant again, I WILL get up from my seat and invite you to my table.
Good point Molly! I accept your re-wording whole-heartedly!
I have been on both sides of this. I have to admit, Molly rather has a point, but your sentiment is well-taken. I think you’re right that it’s almost always better to offer if the offer is genuine. The worst that will happen is she will say, “I’d love to, but ….” But then the door is open for another time. Did you happen to reach out to Julia after the fact? Kudos for stepping up and being willing share and learn from the experience.
Thanks Catherine! I’m so hoping to get to know her better. My loss in not redeeming the moment!
Hi Shasta!
You’re so sweet. I never would have revealed your identity…and this definitely did not cost our friendship! Never! Let’s definitely keep in touch, and you know I’ll contact you when I’m in SF! And if you’re in LA, definitely let me know. Not to worry one more second about it. HUGS!! Julia
Julia, I just wanted to extend a hug to you from Shasta’s circle of friends. I’ve known her since our undergrad days and she’s truly a treasure. Shasta, what a great post on being inclusive! You know I love you! And whenever either of you are in Chicago (again), you’ve both got a dinner date (or lunch, or brunch). ~Crister
And Crister– you model such a good friend move here, trying to help me look better than my actions proved otherwise! LOL! I really am a good person!
Thanks for being willing to stand up for me. Hugs!
Julia– thanks for your graciousness! I would have come up to you personally that morning except I had to leave a few minutes before the program was over. I do hope we make good on a time to meet up! Any plans in the Bay Area?
You’re awesome to give a second chance! xoxo
Definitely rang a bell with me too. Yesterday all my female colleagues went out for lunch and didn’t ask me out; cannot blame them I guess because I am very aloof. But it’s just shyness on my part, and I wish they would go deeper and try to get to know me instead of just pushing me aside thinking I think I am too good for them or something similar
It’s always easier for me to approach a person alone because I know she is probably like me and would like people to come to her. Groups are intimidating, I think “oh they don’t need to get to know me they already have each other !” I think it’s up to people in the group to approach people who are by themselves….
Sandy– you raise an excellent point that I almost put in the blog but I feared I was getting to long-winded!
I do think you’re right– the group bears the responsibility. Unfortunately, they’re the ones most distracted and with the least awareness of the need. I do think that any majority has a responsibility to initiate for others. With that said though, I do think you could say to one of them alone sometime “Hey, if you’re willing, let me know the next time you all go out for lunch– I’d love to come and get to know everyone better!” Thanks for sharing!
Thank you Shasta for putting this in writing. I keep wanting to blame myself for not inviting Julie to our table that night. It was one of those “women things” where she looked like she was busy and I hated to interrupt what she was doing. Of course, I should have listened to Sue as she kept asking “Should we invite her to join us” and took note when you kept looking back at Julia to see if she was truly busy.
What I learned that night came from how the three of us thought about inviting her and didn’t. From Sue I learned that you should not hesitate or question yourself on making a new friend. From you, dear Shasta, I learned that we should never feel obligated to go with the crowd’s thoughts (because I think I kept pressuring everyone not to bother her). From my own end, I learned that I should never feel as though I am intruding on other people, to get out of my comfort zone and make that connection no matter what.
This was a huge learning experience for both Julia and everyone at our table. Luckily, we were able to still make a great friend but not on the deeper level we could have if we would have just stuck to our first response and invited the wonderful Julia to our table.
My new motto: “Never second guess yourself when given an opportunity to connect with people!”
So many simple lessons to learn. May I, too, learn to have my default response be ‘yes’ rather than the too easy ‘no’. Excellent blog
I completely understand the dilemma. We often behave differently when we are in a secure situation and more open when we are weak and vulnerable because we all strive for connection! I think perhaps we do not see as clearly when we are feeling relaxed and safe and happy and that our vision and awareness is heightened when we are alone. There is a great lesson here for everyone to realize that to be open and warm to others, sometimes spontaneously, can ignite our hearts and bring new and wonderful people into our lives.(i met my one of my best friends in the whole world 25 years ago through just such an event…who knew?:)) Culturally Americans are stereotyped to be very friendly but I think a lot of that social ‘networking’ is done in a completely selfish way…what is in it for me? …rather than ‘what can i do for you’? I think it very honorable of you to make amends and it is clear how easy it is to be in either place, yours or Julias..Thank you!
Great post which resonates with many woman. It is so difficult not to take it personally when you are excluded from the group which is usually unintentional. It takes a great deal of courage to admit your mistakes in a public forum. Kudos!
What you wrote about happens to me more times than i could count! i want to invite people over, but they say they are “too busy”, but they never say what they are busy with!
So I would like to arrange a group meeting for those that are never “busy” with meeting up with people that can turn into everlasting friendships!
I though that we can meet up within the next week. I have a few locations in mind. perhaps we can take a group vote.
Please contact me via this text. I will be available to receive your message all day today and tomorrow. I won’t be available this Tuesday as I’ll be at the DFP Center with the documents!
Thanks!
One of the most lovely ladies, I know always starts a conversation, ” can you sit?” Or ” hope you can stay for a bit”…I just always feel so accepted, like she has time for me. She is much older, but I always feel so good after visiting with her.
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