Note from Shasta: For Friendship Month this September I’ve invited some women to guest blog for me, adding their voices and experiences to our journey. I’m honored to host this posting by Cherie Burbach, one of the most prolific writers online about friendship (bio at the end!). Thanks Cherie for all you’re doing to encourage healthy female friendships!
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What I wish I knew then about friendship that I know now…is that friendships aren’t always meant to last forever, and that’s okay. When I was younger, it pained me to lose a friend to the point where I would beat myself up it when it happened.
Now, don’t get me wrong, we definitely want to maintain our friendships whenever we can.
Cherie Burbach is the About.com Guide to Friendship
But the reality is that sometimes friendships end. People make different life choices, they move, they grow apart, develop new interests, and through it all they change. When a friendship ends during this point, you may experience feelings of guilt or be stuck in a place wondering “why” over and over again.
This perception that friendships should last forever comes from a few different places. Ever heard of the term “BFF”? Best friends forever might be a cute saying but it isn’t the reality. Or how about people that talk about their long-term friendships? You don’t often hear, “I’ve had three great friends that were in my life for five years” but you will hear someone talk about their “life-long friends” pretty often. If you don’t have a life-long friend or two, hearing that may make you feel inept at friendship. But don’t buy into that.
Some of my friends have lasted decades, while others have been brief. Most of the time, friends are not going to stay in your life forever, and even if they do, your relationship will probably change over the years. Having one true-blue best friend is great, and if it happens to you be thankful. For most of us, however, there are times when a really great friend only stays in our lives for a short time. After they go, what usually happens? You beat yourself up and wonder what you could have done differently.
But you see, that’s the point of friendship: It teaches you about yourself. Instead of beating yourself up, learn from the experience. Being with your friend taught you a few things about yourself. Are there areas to improve on? Work on that. Were there areas you really rocked? Do more of that.
Each friendship you have will mold you into a slightly different, more confident, person, but don’t go over the past and wonder what you could have done differently. You might have done everything you could have done at that point in time. Talking about “what could have been” is pointless and a waste of energy. You never know, even if you had done that one thing differently it doesn’t mean that it would have prevented your friendship from ending. Sometimes the end of a relationship really is them and not you! If you feel like you would have done something differently with an old friend, use that knowledge to help improve your current friendships.
The point is, a friend can come briefly through your life and that’s okay. Embrace each friendship, because there is no one-size fits all when it comes to our pals.
Cherie Burbach is the About.com Guide to Friendship and has written ten books and ebooks. She writes about dating, relationships, health, sports, and lifestyle.
You can follow her on Twitter at brrbach.
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Note: I posted a new video blog on YouTube this morning: “Who Are Your BFF’s?” that talks briefly about how many confidantes you may want, the importance they play in your life, and how you can develop these meaningful friendships.
Subscribe on my YouTube Channel (ShasGFC) as I’m picking a random winner every Thursday! Congrats to Tamisha Ford– this week’s winner!
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thank you so much for this! It’s EXACTLY where I’m at, and have been for about a year, when 2 friends I’d had for 10+ years, and I, were no more. My choice, but still, I did go back (over and over!) in my head, trying to figure out the what’s, and the why’s, and if I really really was done. But? I was, and I don’t let myself mull it over, or ruminate on the why’s, any more. I guess I need to process it out to the end, and hopefully, take what I’ve learned (about myself) on to the next “friendship”. thank you again!
Julie, I’m so glad you left this comment. Sometimes friendships just don’t fit us the same. It isn’t meant to be a bad thing, but sometimes we move on and our friends just don’t relate to us anymore. It’s so hard, but at the same time, it’s positive because they taught us so much. You can be grateful for them and move on in a healthy way.
Shasta, I really appreciate your blog and your insight. I am starting a mom’s group and was looking to go through some of your friendship posts and tips with them. How would you suggest doing that? Is there a particular spot I should start at? I also was wondering if you know of any workshops on personalities in relation to friendship and/or marriage that we could maybe go through together. Not sure where to find such resources. Would appreciate it if you could write to me at my e-mail address….thanks!!
Sara
saericks@yahoo.com
Sara– What a great idea! I’ve been thinking I should put up a little section like “The 5 Blogs to Start With” or something but haven’t yet done that! I’d also love your thoughts on which ones you feel would be most helpful (nothing like putting it back on you!). What would be awesome for a group to go through would be my 21 Day Friendship Journey but I don’t have that all up online– it’s a tele-class I offer. Maybe in the meantime you could talk about these 2 articles I wrote on Huffington Post since those issues seem to come up all the time in friendship? Do You Give More? and Ways to Bring Balance.
Also– a cool thing to do with friends is a book like “Live Your Strongest Life” by Marcus Buckingham. Here’s a blurb I wrote up about it
Do let me know what you decide to do and how it goes! I will definitely be writing a book at some point for this very purpose….
Oh yes, please do write a book!! I will be the first to buy it! LOL And the friendship journey would be really cool. Please let us know when you put that online…I ordered a few of the books…hoping maybe the ladies will want to read through them together!! Thanks for the response!
This post really validated a lot of feelings I have had about the end of a friendship. We had a hot and cold friendship, with lots of starts & stops. I would try to address the pattern we had, and she would always say” I feel the same way as you, how crazy we are feeling the same thing”.. but her actions would not match her words, so I finally decided the inconsistentcy was too much for me, causing me a lot of confusion & self doubt.
But I have at times, wondered if I made the right decision. I enjoyed the times we spent together, wish we could have found a rythem that worked for us.
Even though the relationship ended, I learned so much about friendships & their value in my life..and the sort of friend I want to be…and being able to walk away with no blame , just the understanding that this particular relationship has had it’s season…and feel blessed I enjoyed it as much as I did.
It is really challenging to have a good thing end or not turn out the way you wanted and NOT get stuck in regret, resentment, or remorse about your actions. I’m really struggling with this right now.