I just returned home from a publicity trip in New York City last week where I zig-zagged across Manhattan pitching friendship stories to any magazine editor who would listen to me.
Sex Still Sells. Even to Women.
Regardless of the fact that our circle of friends continues to rank as a bigger factor to our happiness and health than if we’re married, or have kids– you’d never know it by the headlines we seem drawn toward at the magazine rack. Put romance or parenting on the cover of a magazine and we seem compelled to buy it. We must know more! Mention our weight and you’d think there’s a secret out there we haven’t yet heard.
Compare how many sex headlines there are every month (I mean, seriously, how many more techniques or positions do we possibly need?) versus the number of titles inviting you into deeper friendships. You laugh. But, why? Why are we not drawn to headlines that would promote our sense of belonging?
Look at any women’s news blog and there will be always be a tab for sex & love, usually one for family, and rarely one for friendships.
Never a cover goes to print without the words “Sex” and “Fat.” Why doesn’t our need for friends ever sell?
Friendship just isn’t seen as urgent. Or as important.
In pitching my book proposal to publishing houses this fall, most of the rejections came in the form of “We already did a book on friendship a couple of years ago.” As though, one every couple of years is all that is needed. Compare that to the seemingly hundreds of titles that come out every year to help you find and foster your perfect love. Availability is one thing, the other is that the titles that do make it into print don’t seem to impress anyone with the sales numbers. (A depressing fact to sit with as I start writing my book!)
And what about diet books? I mean, we could fill half a bookstore with books on how to lose weight! Books that arguably are just different ways of saying the same thing: Eat healthy and exercise. How many more forests do we have to tear down before we realize that the weight of our country isn’t decreasing with the purchasing of these titles?
Yet never a magazine goes to print without the word fat somewhere on the cover. That very word promises money.
Why Doesn’t Friendship Sell?
On the one hand, I totally get it. My husband impacts my day-to-day life way more than any of my girlfriends. He is an incredibly important relationship for me to continue to invest in.
On the other hand, there’s enough research out there that actually shows what sociologists have termed the “Marriage Benefit Imbalance.” The concept that “We have to start with the cold, ugly fact that marriage does not benefit women as much as it benefits men,” was made famous by Liz Gilbert in her book Committed. Yes, compared to single female counterparts, married women are more likely to suffer from depression, die younger, accumulate less wealth, earn reduced pay, experience more health problems and thrive less in their careers than those who are unmarried.
For the sake of argument, let’s just assume that we decide those costs are still worth it to us to feel chosen, to go through life with someone, to be married. But wouldn’t we then want to do everything we could to bring balance to that? Wouldn’t we look around and say, “Okay, what is known to decrease stress, lower depression, increase joy, improve longevity, reduce disease and recovery time, and invite the most amount of joy and support into my life?”
Who doesn’t want more of those things? And the research unequivocally continues to come out showcasing friendship as one of, if not the most significant factor to those things. There is no argument on this. It’s not like coffee where some research says it’s good for you and others say it’s not. Across the board– your sense of community, belonging, support, and participation in friendships is making a difference.
So someone tell me why this subject doesn’t sell? I won’t even ask that it sell more than romance. But why can’t it be second to romance?
Why don’t we pick up magazines that can teach us how to hold healthy expectations of friendships? That will explain the stages of friendship to us? Inspire us with the research that showcases the centrality of our support circle to our lives? That would encourage us, like they do with exercise, that the results take time and persistence, but are worth it in the long run?
What is your sense on this? Why don’t friendship books sell the way romance, parenting, and health books sell?
- Is it because we intuitively think we know everything there is to know about friendship, not feeling the need for knowledge like we do in the other areas of our lives?
- Or is it that it doesn’t matter what we know, perhaps we feel that friendship is something we can’t control or change? As though friendship either happens to us or it doesn’t, but either way, we don’t need to be intentional?
- Or is it that we simply have all the friendships we need and want? Perhaps the research coming out that shows our depression increasing and our support circles shrinking really isn’t capturing the fact that we’re all surrounded by all the community we want? Perhaps you don’t crave more than what you are experiencing?
- Or is it that we’re so busy feeling bad about ourselves in all those other areas (romance, weight, parenting) that we simply don’t have time to add guilt to one more life area? (If this were true it would infer that we don’t see how friendships might actually improve all those other areas, making us feel more supported and healthy.)
- Or does friendship not sell because of the stigma we have around falsely linking “I need more friends” with “No one likes me, I’m loser.” Do we think by admitting that we need friends that we’re somehow worse than we thought? Are we not admitting the truth to ourselves that we actually can be amazing, and still be lonely?
- Or is it because fear sells and we haven’t yet adequately convinced everyone of the real consequences of not developing meaningful friendships? Maybe it’s like sleep deprivation… something we’re so used to doing without that it doesn’t really feel all that important?
I’d be so curious to know from a few of you what your read on this is? Why are these books not selling? What are the magazine editors not feeling the urgency to provide teaching and inspiration on this subject? Why is this not a major sense of need in your life or the women around you? Or, conversely, because my readers are those who have decided it’s important in their lives (how lucky I am to have found you!) — what was it that finally made the difference for you?
Give me your wisdom. Or at least your best guess! 
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you just need a sexy title. All the friendship books so far have depressing titles. you should call your book The Fastest way to the Skinniest, Sexiest You: Healthy Friendships
)
oh and you should add God in there somewhere because publishers think those books also sell well.
your book will sell like crazy!
Look at you Girl– you could totally have a career in publishing!
I’m looking forward to raising awareness around females and friendships with you this upcoming year! Women are lucky to have you caring about this and doing something about it.
I would have to say, as a woman, that it has to do with the concept of how we see friendship. Now we think of fat and sex in terms of health, but in reality, we think that we need to be skinny and sexy so we can have friends. We want to look and act a certain way, and exude a certain upquality so we can be more acceptable to others. But to break it down, we should work on changing our attitudes and our hearts. That is what will make a woman popular.
Thanks Vonessa for writing in…. that’s thought-provoking to think we are drawn to being sexy and skinny as the means to the end– being accepted. I think you’re right in many ways… we are certainly motivated and driven to try to fit-in or belong. That sucks though if we end up so focused on the means that we neglect the end, and worse if those means don’t actually lead to belonging. When we see it in black and white– we can see that losing weight won’t result in friends. Just as knowing techniques in bed won’t result in finding our soul mate. Sad how much we’re risking by focusing on external things rather than simply in being a good friend to others…..
Thanks for writing in!
My depression started when my best friend said, “Every other word out of your mouth is Money, money, money! Everyone says so.” which was and is so not true. But I still spiraled into depression. Keri, my “best friend” was jealous of me, my life and my husband. I was the fat one in a group of four BFFs and when I received my college degree, married my husband and lost weight, she and one other could see my beauty as a threat and did everything to sabotage me. I was told that I could not hang with Juli as all the guys would look at me instead of her. How goddamn shallow of a comment to come out her mouth, she, who barfed constantly to maintain her weight of 125 so she could get a husband. (sorry for the swear word). So, I gave up on friends for quite a while to save my sanity ( pun not intended). Now I look for a friend who sees ‘real beauty’ in me instead me being an accessory to their beauty.
Robin– I wish for you the friends you crave. We definitely all deserve friends who can see our real beauty… friends we don’t have to compete with or be intimidated by. May the work you do in your own life be contagious– that you attract healthy women and fabulous friendships….
Hi Shasta,
Finding your website has been such a blessing. After moving across the country with my daughter, I realized she was all I had in terms of friendship. But how much can you share with a 14 year old? I think I’m pretty amazing (lol) but I can be a bit reserved as well. Also, I never felt as though I “fit in” with this community. I’ve always been an out-of -the-box kind of person that mainstream women have a hard time relating to. One of the interesting things I have found is that men can make great friends too. I’m not looking for a relationship but it’s been interesting to see what I actually do have in common with some of the men I’ve met in my new town. One is that I’m a former business owner. But I am now beginning to connect with girlfriends thanks to your site. I guess what I’m trying to say in a long winded way is that friendship should not be limited to women only. Maybe that’s another angle for you.
Susan– I’m so glad you found my web site too! It’s awesome that you have a meaningful relationship with your teen daughter, but kudos to you for recognizing you want/need to add something a little different into your circle, too. And I agree that men are definitely in our circles– though it does seem to be a bit more of a complicated subject, huh? But thanks for the suggestion and maybe I’ll tackle the subject sometime soon.
Have a good December!
You’ve almost got it with “it doesn’t feel important” and “a means to an end” is a good point as well. I would add to it that most of us had childhood or school friendships that came to us without any effort. We feel like if we keep trying to be likeable, it will happen to us again. However, adult social situations aren’t as conducive to building friendships as school is.
Bingo! The working title of my new book is “Friendships Don’t Just Happen” playing to your point– it did feel automatic and easy when we were in school. But that was because the consistency (seeing each other every day) was automatic and came without effort. We don’t have that as much (although it’s still why workplaces are a popular place to build friendships with people we wouldn’t otherwise have felt drawn toward). Thanks for leaving a comment!
I think our culture has become so filtrated with lies about who we are suppose to be that true friendship has been lost in the shuffle. I have tried many times to have deep meaningful friendships with various women in my life only to have come up against a wall of no return. I end up doing all or most of the giving and when I get exhausted or fed up and quit going out of my way to be friends there is nothing or little there. I have come to the realization that most of these women obviously do not need the friendship and do not put a priority on it like I do. One friend said “it`s not you, it`s me”. I do think that” woman are the ones that get other women through life” not the men. In old days women were more of a community. They gave birth together, gathered crops together, helped raise children together, cooked together, did practically everything together. Today we are so isolated from one another and maybe our pride or shame keeps us from reaching out and being real to one another. I do not have the answers but have struggled with the same problem.
Annette
Thanks Annette for sharing…. you put words to the struggle that many of us feel. I’m so sorry that others around you haven’t been as willing to commit as you have… I hope that you see changes in that in the year ahead. Most of us really do need and crave more close friends…..
I don’t really know, but it does seem as I look around social media that women have friends and do things together with their friends, and I often wonder if that is impression or real? Does that “getting together” actually happen once a week, or only once a quarteror a year? Does it only look like it is happening often? Also, I get next to no interest in any friendship articles I post, tweet, or blog. :/
I wish friendship was more of a topic, it really is my favorite right now! I will be reading whatever you end up printing or publishing.
I love your blog. I am looking around to see what is normal in friendships and how situations that come up should be handled. I’ve found my “soul sister” it seems and that generates feelings and situations I’ve never encountered before. As Jen said above, childhood friendships were pretty easy to come by. We had nothing to do but be with our friends. Adulthood brings so much weight and responsibility, I think there’s nothing better than a couple close girlfriends to help each other through.
Love your comment Amy! Thanks for leaving it…. I’m so glad you have found someone who you feel bonded to! Woo-hoo! It’s worth the search to build that kind of friendship.
p.s. And I do get together with 4 women every week…. building a habitual routine is the only way I know how to easily keep us all connected and consistent. But then there are other friends I see only 1x a month…. I think it depends what kind of a relationship you want to build? The more time together– the more frientimacy!
I think the term “friend” is used very loosely in our society. You can look at all of the people you are tenuously connected to and claim to have hundreds of friends. Facebook and other sites will back you up on this claim. As a result, people feel like they do not need to search for new friendships, even if the majority of the relationships they have with other people are superficial.
So true! I think this confuses a lot of people b/c they might feel lonely but then they try to tell themselves “No I shouldn’t feel this way… I have lots of friends” but it neglects to acknowledge that they might be craving more meaningful and significant friendships?
Hi Shasta;
Seeing you on the news this morning and hearing about this wonderful
website fills my heart. You hit the nail on the head, we need eachother, we need to get out of the house and have FUN !!! Thats the key word. We work,work,work and don’t think of ourselves. I’m in my 50′s widowed and full of life. I would love to meet a circle of girlfriends to have FUN with.
Thank you….. Jeanette
Jeanette– Huge thanks for writing in! Welcome! And thanks for your cheers! I am so glad that our community will have your energetic, fun, and hopeful spirit in our midst! Thanks!
I relate most to what “Annette” wrote. I will add that I believe society and the media dictates what it wants us to believe “friendships among women” are like. Hollywood is the worst offender; take for instance “Sex In The City.” – it would be hard NOT to think of that show when thinking about girlfriend relationships. I was born and raised and worked in that same city and I can tell you firsthand – it’s far from an accurate portrayal. I make friends very easily because I am inherently friendly and upbeat. I am loyal to a fault and desire the same dependability from a friend.
I have tenderly and thoughtfully cultivated many a friendship and practically all ended in the same way. Whether a longtime childhood friend or a new friendship they all wound up being a betrayal in one way or another. I am self-confident, attractive, strong willed and own a small online business. I have had “best friends” betray for those reasons and other reasons. One so-called BF constantly complained to me that because I keep a beautiful home I made her look bad to her husband. Another told me because I work so hard and have so many interests I made her to appear boring and lazy in her husband’s eyes. Their complaints weren’t my problems; they were the inadequacies of those women. At the age of 58 I would love to have a few genuine girlfriends to meet with once a week just to laugh and support each other, but I have come to know that a large majority of women are hardwired to “compare”, they use it as a measuring device for self-worth. If another woman has “more” or does something “better” than they do, it’s interpreted as “she must therefore be superior in some way.” Now, I’m not saying that this pertains to ALL women, I honestly harbor no jealousy or resentment myself and have always been quite content with what I have and the life I live, but that is NOT the way all women think and feel. Many are hell-bent on topping all others. This flaw also doesn’t only apply to non-relatives, it can include mothers, sisters, aunts, etc.. It’s a “women thing.” If it seems I’m being too hard on women, think about how many times you’ve heard about a woman coveting or having an affair with her best friend’s husband. Women are constantly trying to outshine each other, and many will stoop to any depth to triumph and get that much needed fix. For just that one reason women do not trust getting close to other women. The list of betrayals that women commit against other women is too many to list here. It happens in every office at every level, it happens in all settings in life, be it schools, in the home – and even in places of worship, etc..
I really don’t mean to sound so adverse, because I also know there are many sincere women out there, I am one of them….BUT trying to find them is like trying to find the proverbial needle in the haystack. Until women are willing to be honest about why they don’t fully commit to a friendship and why they aren’t “loyal” to other women; it will never change. WOMEN NEED TO START SUPPORTING EACH OTHER
IMHO, women are their own worst enemy and until they can deal with their own feelings of inadequacy, thanks mainly to society’s unreal fantasy of what a woman should be, they will never be capable of fostering sincere friendships.