The Bachelor showcases women who don’t seem to understand that one doesn’t have to devalue in order to compete.
I begrudgingly watched The Bachelor last night and shuddered at how quickly girls sized each other up and put each other down. Hoping they’d feel more cool, more amazing, and more chosen in the process. Ignorant still to the truth that we can only receive what we’re willing to give. Their immaturity served up as entertainment.
Immaturity is sometimes about age– it simply takes some life experiences before we can have wisdom.
But the difference between a woman and girl isn’t in a birth date, but in a state of mind. I’ve seen young women love those around them with health and joy, and I’ve seen older women so practiced over the years in their victim narrative that every event is seen through the filter of perceived rejection. Maturity can go either way.
Undoubtedly, we all behave like girls at time, in different areas of our lives.
- Maybe it’s in your finances– waiting for someone else to “fix” them, living in denial about the gap between your spending and earning, or mistakenly thinking that buying things improves your worth.
- Or maybe it’s in your romance– falling for the myth that you need to be chosen by someone to prove your value, repeating patterns you haven’t examined, or holding grievances against someone for not living up to your expectations.
- Or maybe it’s your health– how you’re sabotaging what you say is important to you, living with both too much restriction in one area only to not discipline yourself in another, or holding stress/fear around that which we cannot control.
- Or maybe it’s in your spirituality & personal growth– in your tendency to throw out the metaphoric baby with the bath water, the judgment and cynicism you hold around belief and practices that aren’t already yours, or the busy-ness you’re not stepping out of to hear your own voice.
But for the purpose of this blog, I want to talk about how I see our immaturity showing up in our friendships.
We are called GIRLfriends, But We Must Still Show up as Women.
We act immature in our friendships when we feel insecure about ourselves. Which we tend to do more often than most of us care to admit. Here are some scenarios I repeatedly see:
Fear of Rejection: We go to a ConnectingCircle– then feel hurt that others didn’t follow up with us afterward and conclude either that they are selfish/arrogant/non-committal people OR that we are unlikable/loners/un-interesting. Notice in both cases we are holding attack thoughts toward others or toward ourselves. We feel rejected.
Girls want others to initiate, choosing to live with the fear of rejection instead of the possibility of connection. Women know that they have every responsibility to initiate also, choosing to do what they can and not hold the results as an affront to their ultimate worth.
Fear of Not Feeling Good About Ourselves: With all this language around toxic relationships, we seem to be giving each other more and more permission to cut people out of our lives that don’t make us feel good. The problem with this often is that it’s not always because the other person is toxic that we don’t feel strong. Sometimes that voice of insecurity can reveal powerful information that indeed we have personal work we want to do. We can feel bad toward someone because they have something we want, something we’re jealous about, or something that we think makes us look less than to not have it (i.e. more money, new relationship, a baby, kids she’s proud of, career success).
A Girl gets off the phone feeling yucky and mistakenly assumes the other person is the problem she feels bad about herself. A Woman asks herself how she can cheer for her friends excitement, and use that to help reveal to herself what it says about what she ultimately wants.
Fear of Judgment. On a similar note is our immediate tendency to judge others. Fast and harsh. It comes out in our decision to RSVP for a particular event– convinced we are good judges of deciding whether we’ll like the other people based on a photo! It comes out in meeting each other when we find ourselves judging their behaviors, dress, stories, etc. We have such a hard time just letting people be themselves… and by extension giving ourselves that same gift. Our ego’s feel momentarily better about who we are if we can tell ourselves we’re better than her. But that’s immaturity at it’s height of ignorance.
A Girl judges others so that she feels better. A Woman accepts others so that she feels better, knowing she can be powerful without devaluing another.
Growing Up.
It’s time to grow up.
It’s time to show up facing each other as women. Women who deserve our utmost respect. Women who have inherent value whether you can immediately see it or not. Women who know that they will eventually feel about themselves whatever they feel about others. Women who know that they don’t have to be better than thou to be their best. Women who feel hopeful when they see others succeed. Women who trust that as they love, so will they be loved.
Unlike age that just happens to you whether you want it or not, maturity comes when invited. It comes when you hold the possibility that there might be a better way to approach life. It comes when you admit enough humility to recognize that just because you think something doesn’t make it fact. It comes when you know your own worth enough to not need to see everything as a reaction to you. It comes when you say that small prayer: “Mature me. Grow me.”
We are not competitors. We are allies. (Even if any of you eventually becomes a contestant on a show where competing to win the affections of one eligible bachelor… even then you need not devalue.)
This 2012, I hope we all hold the courage to grow up. Facing each other as humans. With dignity. The world needs more Women.
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Very well written blog. I couldn’t agree more. We always need to strive to grow and develop, especially in our relationships. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic.
I was in GC for 1 year and made 1 friend. Although I am grateful for this, come on now, just 1 friend? I guess it’s either they are not drawn to me or I am not drawn to them. Many times I reached out and they declined. What’s a girl to do? Chin up! For 2012 let’s hope all of us can make all the friends we need.
Friendship is hard to always guarantee– it’s like women who date– some date for 20 years before they find 1. I guess it’s less about the time it takes and how many we make… and more about making sure that we invest in what we believe is important and keep moving toward quality in that area? Glad you reached out Diane. Indeed, keep your chin up!
I love this post but it is much easier to think about than to bring into practice. It’s hard to always be the grownup one in the relationship even if others are not. Not saying I always am, because I am not always grownup about my friendships. I guess I must just expect too much out of my friendships. It seems like I am always initiating and seeing how the other girls are doing, and of course people love that. The discouraging thing is that when I don’t have any energy left no one is there to see how I am doing. I know that sounds selfish, but if I have REAL friends when I don’t have anything left to give shouldn’t they be there to see if I’m ok and fill in for me once in awhile? Any ideas of what I am doing wrong?
Sara– hmmm… great comment. I doubt you’re doing anything “wrong”– if you’re showing up with love then that can’t be bad? I do believe that each and every one of us who tries to show up in this word with maturity, love, and light– contributes to the overall growth of humanity. What you are giving isn’t being wasted– it’s growing people and transforming them, modeling goodness to them. One of the things I would say if you don’t feel you’re getting what you need though is to learn to articulate your need and ask for it. That’s hard to do for us women especially…. but to say to a friend “I’m so glad you’re in my life… I need someone to listen to me right now” or “Thank you so much calling… that means the world to me… one of the things I find myself craving most from a friendship is someone who calls to check in on me” or “I’m so glad we’re friends, and to make sure we are giving to each other in meaningful ways, it would be cool to each share a couple of the things that mean the most to us that the others does for us.” In a nutshell– it’s not only okay, but your responsibility to ask for what you need.
You deserve friendships that feel more mutual!
wow sara – I feel exactly the same. I had a discussion to this effect with a close friend and it turns out that it’s not personal. she doesn’t have the kind of relationship that i crave with anyone and it isn’t a priority for her. she’s happy to be a homebody and mostly do things with her husband unless i initiate. i joined gfc to try to meet more like minded women. i clicked with 2 women but 1 is moving
and the other although lovely hasn’t done anything to initiate plans when i have multiple times. i already have a ton of friends like that!
A common thread I’ve noticed in my years of therapy is that it seems that most of my ‘friends’ are jealous of me, for my looks, confidence, husband, quality of life. If you are jealous, and you feel that you are still her friend, then say something to that friend that you are jealous of, and you might learn that she is 1) completely unaware of her good looks, 2) might tell you how she became so confident in her life (maybe you made fun of this type of person in high-school [aka the know-it-all or maybe teacher's pet] who in reality was confident in her answer to the question and 3) maybe her quality of life isn’t as grand as you think it is. Life is always greener on the other side, until you get to that side and see that the person who ‘has it all’ is: knee-deep in debt to the IRS, could be about to lose her home, came from a latch-key family, etc. Keep in mind, the Bachelor is a competition. What I would like to know is the reason these gals signed up for the show in the first place. They look beautiful to me and could get any guy they wanted. Why be humiliated on TV in front of the entire Nation? There must be some sort of monetary gain, even for the first gal booted off the show.
Robin– what great insight you already have to what patterns emerge in your friendships. To know that women are often jealous of you gives you great information about how you might affirm and love those around you in ways that empower them and make them feel their best in your presence! And I love that it hasn’t made you want to shrink or shine less! And thanks for sharing those 3 points– well said.
So true, Shasta! It’s funny, I have a post ready to go related to The Bachelor, too. I had never watched it before, and when I did, wow – were there some lessons in there about women treat each other. I was so glad to see you write about this, too!
One of the things I appreciate about you is the mature and reasonable advice you give on friendship. Never stop doing this! I don’t think we can hear it enough.
I’ll look for yours when it’s up– indeed one who studies friendships and women simply cannot watch any show without finding things to comment on, huh?
And that one was so over the top painful… geesh! And thank you for your affirmation. It’s so awesome to read the blogs from everyone in our Friendship Circle and see that we all have such a unique and valuable voice. I’m glad we found each other! 
I’ve spoken to all my girlfriends about indirect aggression and how we could remedy that. Some of them take it lightly, while others put it into practice wholeheartedly. I only hope I can eventually convert all of them. Shasta, I LOVE your blogs and I wish I could see them more frequently!
Oh may your tribe increase V!
Words that every blogger craves hearing. Thank you. And I’d love to hear more about how you & your friends talk about indirect aggression– those are conversations that more of us need to be having. The more we state with each other what we value in our relationships– the more “permission” and awareness we have to keep stepping into our best.
This is excellent food for thought (and food for action!) I’ve found that a lot of the competitive desires to devalue each other among my girlfriends is diminished when we actively seek to encourage and love each other. We all have different strengths and gifts, and when we celebrate those, the competition has a tendency to melt (at least in my experience). I’m by no means perfect at this, but I am inspired by this post! Thank you!
“Women who know that they don’t have to be better than thou to be their best. Women who feel hopeful when they see others succeed. Women who trust that as they love, so will they be loved.”
I agree wholeheartedly Elise! As a coach I love doing StrengthsFinder or personality inventories with clients– always good to know who you are, who you aren’t, and to appreciate that same awareness in others. May you and your friends be contagious to all you meet… may that encouragement keep spreading!
I think, Shasta, that your blog about women/girls was very astute. But my question is this: as my 26 year old niece who writes for a website said,”She needs a catchier title, and not girlfriend, so why isn’t it Womenfriends…?” Girlfriends sounds girlish which of course is sometimes wonderful but does not capture the essence of what you are trying to create, does it?
But thanks for thinking up this creative idea and I hope I will meet someone I really click with. All of the women are very nice but I am looking, as when I met my husband, for that special someone woman friend. One good friend is better than four less connecting friends. That’s just my feeling. I know others may have different needs in friendships.
Stunning, Shasta! There are so many gems in this post. I love how you question our tendency to personalize rejection — or even to perceive it in the first place. Yet every person can see the exact same event differently. This was brought home to me when a group of friends all read the same email from a former friend and we all had different takes on what the sender “really” meant. Some thought it was innocuous and even friendly while others read into the words to reveal a perceived slight. That experience really drove home for me how important it is to not speculate about others, but merely to assume good intentions, trust my own actions, and not waste precious time worrying who likes me, who doesn’t, and why.
Oh Kat– thank you. And thank you for sharing that illustration…. that shares just how much we all read things through our own narrative. One of the things I’ve been trying to say recently in situations is “There is another way of looking at this.” A reminder that just because it feels like truth to me doesn’t mean it is. Thanks for commenting– that was an awesome add to the conversation! Happy New Year!
Hello. I have noticed all too often that women can be much more sexist (towards other women) than men, all too often. In elementary and high school, girls are much meaner to each other than they ever are to boys, in my experience. I was bullied by both my family and kids at school. My response was to find some support and to move beyond their perceptions and abuse, knowing that it said more about them than it ever did about me. I am a successful criminal defense attorney today and feel that some of my experiences have heightened my compassion in my work.
As far as women being more mature, there are so many immature responses I have gotten over the years when trying to bond with other women that I have a very small group of “friends”. I have ruled out women who are chronically late, feel free to change our plans more than on a rare occasion, spend too much time and have the wrong emphasis in trying to attract men, are not sincere, overly pessimistic, chronically complain about things that they take no action to deal with, and haven’t faced and dealt with their neurotic aspects. I find I would rather be alone than trying to interact and build with these types of women (or men). Immaturity and neurosis is not confined to females!
Marilyn, Susan and Sara,
I just joined today (be gentle with me!) and this is my first post. I really related to everything you three ladies said, and have had same discussion with a very good friend, who, unfortunately, lives in the UK.
It seems we’re just much better friends than many of the people we’ve been friends WITH! We’re always the ones calling, extending invitations, cards on birthdays, etc., with little or no receprication. Finally, faced with this lack of interest, we’ve either pulled back or scrapped the relationship altogether.
On the flip side, over the past 1.5 – 2 yrs I had what I thought was a very good friendship end because I told my friend of 20 years that no one liked her boyfriend. That was enough to end our friendship. I knew she wasn’t good at being single/alone, but I never dreamed she’d throw our long term friendship under the bus in favor of this loser! (she’s still supporting him I hear). Even though I know in my head that if she called me tomorrow and wanted to be friends again, I couldn’t, because she’s just not the same person as I once knew, that one hurt big time.
I provided ALOT of emotional support with another friend, who was going through a very bad patch. There were sometimes 5 calls a day, sometimes tears; and I was there for her. When it was my turn though she told me that she didn’t feel she could be the kind of friend I needed right now, and that she needed to keep any “negativity” out of her life. Wow. Thanks alot!
I’ve also “fired” a friend after she repeatedly made plans, and either didn’t show up or cancelled.
So, today I joined GFC to see if I can find some new girlfriends who have similiar interests to mine.
Best,
Melodie
I have been sooo excited to be on the ground floor of this venture. I have met 2 other girls one day (@ Panera Bread). They were obveously out of my age group, and thats fine. I attented another meeting, in Commack to meet Brigitte from Kings Pk, L.I N.Y. She stated she would leave her name with the person at the front reception area In the diner) of which she did not. She also had a friend with her that i didnt know about.
We must communicate. We have cell phones (why not put them to good use)
Moving forward…. we didnt meet….. very sad
Let’s get together ladies……………….. Jeanette
Ooooh thanks for your honesty– and way to put out the call to women to step up and be mature!
I do believe that for all that you’re putting out there, investing in what matters to you– that you will receive! Don’t give up…. there are women who will be lucky to call you a friend who don’t yet know you! 
Hi Jeanette, I’m curious to know what “out of my age group” means. Is it really that important to be close in age to your friends? I can only offer myself up as an example that age is really not important in friendships, I have a very good friend twenty years younger than me, who is a new mother, and another about thirty years older, who already has great-grandchildren. And they two are friends too. We all care about eachother and have great conversations and laugh a lot. I would encourage everyone to allow themselves more openess with choosing friends. You really don’t need to be in the same age group, or at the same life stage at all.
Here’s why finding women close to me in age is important. (I am interested in finding retired women age 60 plus.) First, you have to be retired to be available for daytime activities. (I rarely drive alone at night. We have no public transportation in our area.) Second, an age of 60 plus usually means that we’re more interested in finding good women friends than finding a male partner. An age of 60 plus means that we have a lot of cultural commonalities (books, movies, music, clothing history), so that we don’t have to start from absolute zero in getting to know each other. An age of 60 plus means we may very well share common health profiles and beauty concerns. An age of 60 plus means that we probably have meaningful life events in common (college graduation, marriage, children, grandchildren, divorce, death, disappointments). An age of 60 plus means we’re survivors who have probably learned some wisdom when it comes to making friends. And that’s why I’m looking for retired women age 60 plus. I could really use some friendly wisdom and some wise friends. Thanks for reading this.
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