It’s all too easy to point fingers and feel frustrated at those people in our lives who don’t live up to our expectations. After all, they are our friends who are supposed to “do anything for me” and “if I can’t count on them, then who can I trust?” and “I’m tired of being the one who always gives and never gets” and “I don’t have to put up with this unacceptable behavior.” We feel incredibly justified that we aren’t asking for too much and that we deserve to have our needs met by those around us.
I’m Not a Fan of This Trend in Blaming Everyone Else….
But I’m going to take an incredibly unpopular stance today and put myself in the shoes of the friends who are disappointing and annoying you.
What has become more clear to me in recent weeks as I’ve been listening to everyone around me is that this “kicking the toxic people to the curb” and “saying no to people who drain me” is all the rage. It’s like a diet trend where everyone seems to be popping the same pill.
Everyone is pointing to someone else as annoying, toxic, or draining; as though we’re the only healthy and sane person left. We go around and tell the stories of these “crazy” people so that our ego has a chance to relive all the evidence we are collecting that ultimately will assure us that the problem is them, not us.
Let’s start with a few real life scenarios:
1) Last week, one of my girlfriends was telling a story about her boss who does something that annoys her. And I thought to myself… “Eeeks, if I were your boss I could see myself doing that too!” (I mean, it wasn’t an awful thing he was doing, it just wasn’t what she wanted at the time.) Which got me thinking how much, if I were him, I’d want to know that my response was upsetting someone when my intentions were the exact opposite. But, like most of us, we’d rather chalk that up to one more piece of evidence that our boss sucks and go complain on the couch with girlfriends, as opposed to telling the boss that when he does x it feels like x.
2) I recently read a column about a woman complaining about one of her friends who annoyed her because she seemed to always want more time with her (which, mind you, was fine with her when she as single, but less acceptable now that she was dating someone) and then the last straw was she hadn’t offered to come help pack up boxes when she was moving. These actions were disappointing and unacceptable to her. I immediately thought “Yes in an ideal world, I’d be packing up boxes next to you, but if I had sensed that you weren’t wanting to be around me as much, had a new relationship to help you, and you hadn’t expressed a need to have help packing, I may not have thought to call and take a day off work to do that with you. Especially if I have my own feelings hurt.” It’s a classic misunderstanding where they are both hurting and experiencing transition in their friendship– no one is actively trying to wound the other, they simply both want more from the other. Rather than talk about it, here is the woman saying this is ending their relationship, it’s the “last straw” that proves what a horrible friend this woman really is.
3) Yesterday I was coaching a client who shared with me a story of how upset he was with the actions of someone in his life. In the sharing of the story I realized that this other person undoubtedly doesn’t even know how upset or hurt my client is. The mistake wasn’t some huge grievance that we’d all agree was wrong, as much as it was more an issue of my client not feeling needed, validated and appreciated. And yet his anger is palpable.
Not Major Infractions, Just Miscommunications!
In all three cases, there is no doubt in the minds of the people relaying the story that the problem is with the other person. Every single one of them devalued the subject of their dramas as being selfish, mean, toxic, annoying, or unhealthy.
In all three cases, I only know the side of the story of the one who is frustrated. And, I validate all their frustrations. They do deserve to have people who make them feel known, heard, loved, and appreciated. I want that for all of them. I want them to have friends and colleagues who offer, give, and meet their needs.
However, in none of these cases are we talking about someone sleeping with your boyfriend, hitting your child, stealing your money, talking bad about you behind your back, or anything else we’d all agree was morally wrong. I purposely left the sins vague to ensure privacy, but none of these were examples of people trying to hurt the other.We’re talking about unmet expectations.
And in all cases– not just unmet, but also, unknown.
I could easily be the person that all three of the tellers of those stories hate. 
Does Disappointment Stem from Their Actions? Or Your Expectations?
Think about the situation right now that frustrates you the most. Is it a clear-cut “they did wrong” situation, or is it possible they just didn’t do it the way you wanted?
Expectations. Also known as the Devil. Especially if you’re the only one who knows what they are.
I’m becoming more aware of how frequently we get our feelings hurt due to the meaning we assign to someone’s behavior more than to their actual behavior. We are tempted to think that their actions, of lack of them, means those people don’t care, are selfish, or aren’t good friends. Which could potentially be a bit of a jump?
With my people-pleasing tendencies, the only thing worse than disappointing you, is disappointing you without knowing I did. To think of me doing something with good intentions and having it misconstrued (as is the case in #1) or to not know what your needs were and what would have most mattered to you (as could be the case in #2) or to simply not be reaching out to you in the ways that make you feel most validated (as is the case in #3)– I could most certainly be guilty on all counts.
So much of what’s upsetting us isn’t actual wrong-doing, it’s feeling like people should just be like us and do things the way we think is best. We’re getting our panties all twisted because people aren’t living up to our unknown expectations….
Which leaves me wondering if the greater problem isn’t on us for better clarifying our needs rather then on them for not just guessing them?
What could happen if we said “How can I show up differently in this relationship to possibly get a different result?” What would happen if we sweetly reminded ourselves that there might be other interpretations to their actions? And is it possible that they actually feel the same way, disappointed by you? Would it have helped if you had made a request of them rather than felt hurt that they didn’t read your mind?
I know it’s not popular for me to defend the ones you’re trying to vilify. I just wanted to give a gentle reminder that most people aren’t trying to disappoint you. And most of them don’t even know they are.
Show some love and grace and honest conversation, my friends!
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Want More Reading?
Two articles I wrote for Huffington Post last year on a similar subject: Four Consequences to Labeling a Friend Toxic and then Toxic Friendship? Or Can You Work Toward Frientimacy?
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Shasta, girl! You never disappoint! This is really convicting. Thanks for your continued leadership in this area! Can’t wait to read your book.
Thank you Tamisha. Seriously. You know you write a post and then start wondering if it’s worth publishing? This was one of those where I was unsure. Thanks for your affirmation– means a lot!
You’re welcome! And judging by the response you’re getting, I’d say you should be very glad you went with your gut on it.
Love this one … great food for thought. It can be so hard to reach out when you are feeling hurt or under appreciated but kicking a relationship to the curb over something quite trivial which spiraled out of control is such a waste. Going to go away and look at my part in relationships which are turning toxic … maybe I can change my own actions, make a difference and turn the relationship around. Worth a try right?
Yes! Worthy a try! Thanks for modeling what hopefully we can all do in different ways!
We women are taught to not speak up for ourselves. Why? Why is that? I’ve learned that if I want something, I ask for it. And if someone hurt my feelings and didn’t realize it, I would probably sulk for a bit or a day or two, then tell that person about their actions and how I felt when she/he said/did what they did. Nine times out of ten, they were completely unaware what they said, how it was said (tone of voice) and how it affected me. Why can’t other women do this as well, instead of hiding and talking to therapists about how they cannot confront someone as ‘it’s just not what a woman is supposed to do.’
I have a lot of theories on why we have a hard time showing up and asking for what we need! But I think it’s a human issue more than a gender one, maybe? It’s not like I see men showing up in their relationships with more honesty and awareness of their expectations, do you? We all just find it so hard to do the self-reflection it takes to even know what we want and then to actually go through the often awkward conversations of stating it… so much easier for the average person to ignore?
I have kicked a few to the curb in my time, and found my life improved. For me if I have communicated my expectations, disappointments and needs, and nothing changes, it is then up to me. I have some of the best friends in the world, and they WON’T always be there for me. A dear friend is chronically over scheduled, she cares but has no time, another has health issues and often cancels. But within the framework of what they can offer, they will always offer it. I gave up the “if you really cared you would know what I needed how I feel” years ago. Now people in my life know what I need, how I feel and what I hope for. If they can’t deal with honesty, then they do get kicked to the curb.
Jeanette- what I love about your post is also that it shows that we can want something, ask for it, and still not get it– but then have to decide if that’s okay. And in some cases for you it sounds like you changed your expectations to fit what they can offer– so healthy! And it doesn’t mean they are toxic or bad– just human.
I’d love to know what getting “kicked to the curb” looks like for you– do they know they are getting pushed out and why? Or is it just a drift away? Do you decide ahead of time or does it just happen? Is there a conversation about it? If you’re up for sharing– I’m all ears!
You know, this really made me think, and I, too, could see myself as the one expecting too much. You always hear marriage counselors talking about “communication” and not expecting your spouse to read your mind, and yet we do this with our friends. Thanks for your thought-provoking take on this.
Ah yes… good to compare to marriage in that most of us are known for telling our spouses when they disappoint or annoy us (which, like you say might be better if we proactively told them our expectations more up front, as opposed to being upset on the back end?) but we don’t give that same honesty to our friends. But intimacy is built on risking vulnerability and going through awkward conversations! Thanks for your honesty and your post!
Shasta – I loved the article & went on to read the other two you listed at the bottom. I LOVE, LOVE the line “my peace is mine – you don’t get to vote whether I have it or not”. We all need to remember this. Can I “pin” this line on my Pinterest board for “Words with Meaning” with your name as the author? I have many followers and I believe this will resonate with many…..
Kris– I’d be honored.
And gold stars to you for reading the other articles, too! LOL!
glad you did publish this one, it was worth reading and i got something out of it i can use in my own life!
YAY! Thanks for letting me know!
What people are calling toxic is not so. It’s a misnomer. It’s really important to understand your friends and know what you can expect from them, and that their behavior isn’t about you. I know friends can disappoint, but it’s important to accept their behavior and not personalize it. I have a friend I don’t see too often and it’s usually me who does the initiating. But I understand her heart . . . and I know she loves me and shows it in other ways. Toxic people, on the other hand, are so negative and destructive that they do drain you. I have a new friend that tends to be pretty negative on her bad days, but again I understand her and she shows positive traits that compensate. I absolutely do not allow what I consider truly negative people into my life. But there’s a law of similars: like attracts like, and so rebuffing truly negative people preserves my positive outlook on life and opens the doors for those who have something to offer.
I feel like I have been kicked to the curb and I don’t know why. Every time I try to confront the issue with my boss/friend, it seems to make it worse and the walls go up further. Our styles are very different. I wear my heart on my sleeve, she avoids emotions. Now I’m questioning that we were ever really friends. I think maybe I was being used. Not maliciously, but being used.
The background in a nutshell: we were work friends before she became my boss. When her boss got fired, she became the temporary chief executive. She also got very sick during this time (could have died) and through it all I supported her as a friend and as an employee. Last November when I expressed some frustration about a work situation she got mad at me, and questioned the level I valued her. To respond, I told her how much I valued her and basically asked her to be my mentor as a show of my devotion. She never, ever replied back to me. Not one word. Since then, I’ve been coping with the severest level of rejection I think I’ve ever felt in my life.
I’ve tried several times to start a conversation, but she deflects every attempt. I don’t want to hate her, I think all of the advice you give Shasta is spot on. But, I’m confused, discouraged, and mostly really, really hurt.
Of course you’re hurt! That sounds so painful and confusing. I am so sorry….. it makes me so sad how much we humans hurt each other, often unknowingly or simply because our egos get hurt or we give meaning to something that isn’t there. I’m sorry she pulled away… it’s hard to know why.
I have no magic words– all I can offer is to 1) consider being lovingly honest with her “I sense a chasm between us and it makes me so sad. I admire you so much and miss you. Is there anything we can do to repair our relationship?” and 2) do your very best to separate how she is acting with your own self-worth. It makes sense that you feel rejected and disregarded, but we want to make sure it doesn’t lessen your joy, your self-worth or your trust in yourself. Whisper the possibility that there is another way to look at this and try to not assign meaning to this interaction that may not be there. She has had a tremendous amount of change in her life (including possible death) and it’s hard for us to know how that changed her or what she’s still grieving. Try to forgive her and yourself…. trusting that you are undoubtedly both doing the best you can at the moment. I’m so sorry for the pain…. Hugs!
Your outlook really resonates with me, Shasta. I have another friend that is trying to help me cope with the situation. She has a lot of good advice about boundaries and taking it personally, but she also cuts peopshelf she deems them too toxic or if the relationship lacks mutuality. Actually, that’s how I fond you. Googling mutuality! While I have so been tempted to do the same, as the easy way out, it doesn’t fit me. I want to be lovingly honest, that is me, I am too wounded by the feelings of rejection to take that risk, right now. I need to work on believing in my self worth first. Thank you so much for your wise and caring words.
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This really explains about how I feel about my best friend..we have known each other since 7th grade and I am 37 now..we hardly talk or text or anything and I think to myself all the time this is not how I think a best friend friendship should be but from what you posted I understand now..She may just not realize how much it affects me but I have never said anything to her and I don’t know how to go about doing that..
This 12 second “trust fall” illustrates your premise nicely:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wPOgvzVOQig
this is so great..and so true.. When I have been disappointed in any way I know that somwhere there has been an expectation.. I know my expectation is from God alone.. This is something I have been learning for a long time.. I need to concentrate on giving and being a blessing and not what I get in return.. I have had someone speak to me..no names lol I love to bits and talk about the other people.. I have then said. are you sure it is not just you lol.. Needing more growth so as not to focus on me me me, but other people and be a blessing to them.. good aritcle..:)