A TV producer called me last week because her afternoon TV show is hoping to interview some women who are currently going through BFF break-ups. (Details below if you’re willing!) She said that when the show idea was discussed, nearly every woman around the table had a story. As do we all.
Changing friends is normal.
If you’re a faithful reader of my blog, you’ll recall that I often remind women that research suggests that we replace about half our friends every seven years.
To see if it’s true in your life, list the five to seven women that you’d invite to stand up with you at your wedding if getting married today. Now think back to where you were seven years ago and see how many of those same women would be standing up there with you? Most likely, with perhaps the exception of family members, two or three of the women might have been different if chosen back then. And chances are that two or three of them might be different if chosen seven years from now. Our lives do change. And with that change comes some movement in our inner circles.
The word replace speaks of two directions– new friends coming in and old friends going out.
Many of my posts have to do with how to start new friendships since there are few platonic pick-up lines, winking seems inappropriate, and there aren’t bars for female friends.
So in honor of the fact that we aren’t just making new friends, but also having to let go of them, I’m going to write a series (number of posts still TBD) about friendship break-ups.
The Drift vs. The Rift
Friendship Break-Ups typically fall into two camps: The Drift and The Rift.
The Drift is when two people have less in common due to life changes or personal preferences. There’s typically no big break-up or blow-up, it’s just two people moving apart. That’s not to say it doesn’t hurt or that you’re not aware of it though! On the contrary, we often carry guilt, anger, or fear as these relationships drift. We sometimes feel betrayed that they are leaving the job, moving away, having a baby, or going through a divorce that we feel threatens or changes our friendship. We know that our relationship is shifting…. even if we don’t know yet whether it will survive or what it will look like.
The Rift is when an event or behavior causes damage to our relationship leaving us hurt, angry, or confused for what we’d consider a grievance or mistake. I differentiate a Rift from a Drift when we feel that there is a behavior or action that would need to be discussed, forgiven, or changed in order to continue to be friends. Our pain can come from unmet expectations (i.e. she didn’t ask us to be her bridesmaid and we thought we were close friends), blatant mistakes (i.e. she gossiped about our failing marriage to other friends, betraying our trust), or what we might call character flaws (i.e. she never calls us and we’re tired of being the ones who always have to initiate). A Rift is when we feel justified at being mad at her.
I’ll talk about the Rift in an upcoming post. This post is about the Drift.
The Common Causes of a Drift
One of the reasons we replace, or need to replenish, our friendships is because our lives all happen in different ways and in different times. Often, we drift apart. While there can be a hundred variations of why we no longer lean toward the same people, most of those reasons fall under these six common categories:
With so many of us switching jobs or starting companies comes the obvious fact that we are losing the friends that were associated with those specific workplaces.
If there was an era where we all followed a similar path: get married out of college, have kids two years later, live in the suburbs, etc. We’re definitely not there now. Now you’re just as likely to be new mom at twenty-one as you are at forty-one. We’re not doing life in the same order or at the same pace as our friends which leaves us often wishing for new friends in our new stage of life.
On location alone, with Americans picking up and moving every five years it’s no surprise that not all our friendships can survive the distance. Even if you stay planted, chances are high that a friend will move away in the next couple of years, forcing you to either drift apart or be incredibly proactive and intentional about staying connected.
And in that last sentence is where you’ll find what I think is the most important choice in a Drift: decide whether this friendship is important enough to you to go through the transition.
Responding to the Drift
- Relationship Changes Are Normal. Every change– in her life or yours– will likely require the friendship to shift.
- Awareness is a Strength. The worst thing is to lose friendship unknowingly! Or to have to deal with anger down the road because you didn’t take the time to see it coming or to do the work of readjusting your expectations. Don’t live in denial! Seeing it coming gives you time, wisdom, and increased generosity.
- Feel Your Choice. There are two kinds of Drifts– the ones where we simply let it happen to us and the ones where we chose to let it happen. I don’t believe we need to hang on to every relationship; nor do I believe we should simply let-go of relationships with people we love simply because life changes. While the actions of both choices may end up looking similar (i.e. call less, hang out less, slowly lose touch), one happens out of negligence, whereas the other happens with our blessing. There’s a big difference.
We are called to learn how to hang on to some relationships, even when awkward; while also letting go of others, hopefully with intention and eventual peace. The trick is to know how to make that choice.
Leave your comments: How do you know when a friendship is over? What helps you decide? How have you handled friendships drifts before? Do you tend to “hang on too long” or “let go too soon”?
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TV Opportunity: An afternoon talk show is looking for some women to interview who are currently going through a break-up rift. It’s a theme that happens in all our lives and we bless others when we’re willing to be honest and share our own stories. This is a credible talk show that is committed to women’s health and happiness– you will be safe in their care. If you are willing to consider it, please send a quick email to pizzim19@gmail.com that includes your name, age, where you live, and a paragraph about why you feel your friendship is currently ending or going through a rough patch with another woman. You are not committing yourself by writing, rather you’re simply exploring the possibility. I invite you to be open as it’s a common pain that we need to have more healthy women discuss!
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I have watched my special friendships drift apart and I’ve tried both, letting things be as they are in view of the life changes and I’ve also fought to keep some of them alive only to realize, one more time that both parties need to want to keep the relationship going in spite of the changes. The end result is the same, but letting things be, without judgement seems to be the least painful way to go.
But it hurts to realize the other person didn’t think the relationship was worth saving. As you see, I’m working on the “without judgement”part of the deal.
Your blog helps me to see that this is just the way life and relationships are, it’s not that there is something wrong with me. Thanks!
Miriam– thanks for sharing. There seems to be such movement in our lives of people coming in and out that it would be nearly impossible to not take some of it personally or to feel judgmental! It seems nearly inevitable to not have some hurt along the way since any loss (even good loss) comes with good-byes and a need to grieve. Your comment reminds me that I should write a post in this series about the types of friends as a way to help us see what good-byes look like in different erlationships because that would help us see which friendships are worth “both parties” stepping up. I’ll make a note to write on that! But indeed– just because we can’t hold every relationship static does not mean there is anything wrong with you!
Your post ‘Open Hands’ helped me tremendously while dealing withloss of a close friendship…and the idea of letting relationship come and go in your life…Now I try to get excited about the new people who I am going to me along the path..
Oh thanks for mentioning that one– it does speak directly to the issue. Here is the post for those who are interested: http://www.girlfriendcircles.com/blog/index.php/2011/11/the-blessing-of-open-hands/
The reason that I had joined GFC was to satisfy a sense of adventure, but more importantly, because I had been on “a rift” with my bf from high school. Although it is fun for me to meet new people, the pain of losing a childhood friend can be unbearable. So much so, that it brought me out of my comfort zone, into NYC on a quest for new girlfriends. Thanks to GFC, I’ve found several within my age range.
However, another college girlfriend and I were on “the drift” and had been for years. Things such as, career, location and experiences ( i.e. addiction and loss) have been the cause of friends perhaps, drifting apart and vice versa. Yet, I missed this woman dearly and finally had reached out, via FB, to pleasantly discover that she had grown and now we have more in common than ever before. The reason being is that we’re both involved in committed relationships, as well as living in chronic pain (due to numerous surgeries), which can be tremendously isolating and challenging. Now, that we have just moved to different cities/states, it will take effort to keep us going. I will do my part, not to let the distance deter this special friendship. It is always the quality, not quantity which counts most of all. Mother is always right. Thanks, GFC.
Oh, and as for dealing with the pain associated with “a rift,” hopefully talking about it with other women can help. But, it’s something that is always there and you’d wish to avoid those kind of friendships going forward. Unfortunately, there’s no going backwards in a relationship. If we do, we’re bound to get hurt again. There’s always the risk in life.
Thanks,
Laurie
Laurie– Oh thank you so much for sharing so honestly and thoughtfully. Many of us can relate to both. And I love your story of the friend that drifted away that you reconciled with– it illustrates the movement that goes both ways, sometimes with the same people. Good luck with the distance– I’ve found that if I schedule a weekly 30 minute call that is at the same time every week–I then can stay in touch better!
I’m currently in a friendship drift and it’s painful because while I recognise it, I don’t think she does. She’s someone who meant so much to me in the past and I feel sad that we’ve lost that. But at the same time, I’ve made a few attempts to reach out lately that haven’t been responded to.
(In a way, I think I caused the drift by encouraging her to become closer to some other women I knew she’d really get along with. I, too, have become closer to a totally different group.)
So I think I have to let her go, as she moves from my circle of ‘closest friends’ to ‘casual friends’, and remember the good times.
Oh Kelly I love that you were willing to share this comment– SO many of us can relate! And I love your clarification in the last line about her moving into a different circle– I’m DEF going to blog about that as it does help us realize that it’s not that we can’t still be friends but more that we’re shifting in intimacy and consistency. If we can all carry that the kindness you have toward her and the situation (not to minimize that it doesn’t hurt!) then it still keeps the bridge built between us should we ever want to reconnect with each other down the road…. thank you….
I loved reading your posting that was shared with me by a good friend that I communicate with pretty much daily on facebook. But the reason why it was so good to me was because it was basically just repeating everything that I had pretty much learned on my own after surviving a major head injury from a crash on my bike that put me into a coma. It resulted in my finding out which friends (and family members!) that I had prior to my head injury would remain friends, and become even stronger friendships/relationships than they were before.
Surviving that also made me learn how to know which lady friends also became my new Adopted “Sweet Seester”s! Along with made me closer to my Original “Sweet Seester”, my Bro’s and of course my “Hubby”, who I was close to before, but became even closer to after!
Having a head injury that results in a coma in most situations almost always turns out to be a negative, but mine actually has resulted in multiple positives, in addition to what I mentioned above! That’s why I’ve learned to always “Turn a Negative Into A Positive!”
And as a result I only spend my precious time, (that I appreciate being alive with a new life!) with my hubby, wonderful family members and friends!
So sorry for you head injury, so glad for you clarity and enthusiasm for life…. hugs to you Paige….
Hi Paige-
I am glad you recovered from the head injury!
An old BFF of mine had severe head trauma, and was never the same.
I call the day of her accident “The Day I Grew Up”
I watched as all her super best friends disappeared, claiming it was “Too Hard” or “Uncomfortable” watching her in her coma.
Her sister even started dating the same guy she had been dating before the crash!
I stayed with her for years during her recovery and re-emergence. We drifted apart eventually, but I think of her often, and worry about her too!
I am glad you got some new sweet seesters!!!
OK, maybe this is outside the drift/rift subject…
Thru my life I have had very few actual friends, but now, later in life, I am finding more and more of them. It’s sometimes hard to figure out if they are “real” friends or just acquaintances. And I did meet 2 really good ones thru GFC!
One I thought of as a great friend has been very difficult to deal with lately, and I am ready to drop her. It’s been a drift for a while, there was a trust issue, and as of the past few days I am thinking it’s worse and I just want to walk away.
Part of me just wants to hang on because she’s been a friend, but the rest of me says I don’t need/deserve/want the emotional abuse I’ve been getting handed.
I am writing a letter in my head with all the awful things I want to say, but never will.
Talking to my hubby about it is useless, he just says to let it go, don’t worry about it.
What to do what to do…
It is so hard to know what to do all the time… I’m going to write more about it. but that’s not to say it’s clear or easy… .thinking of you as you decide on a soul (not ego) level. Hugs…
Lesley,
I just want to say that I can relate. I get the same response from my boyfriend, “just let it go,” when it comes to this subject. It is natural to want to go off on your friend who did you wrong. Of course, we’re not supposed to do that. On one hand, we feel lonely and want to hang on to our friends. However, I would confront her with your feelings, but in a “nice” way. Good luck with that! haha Whether things work out or not, I would get things off my chest first. If you feel that she’s being sincere with you, decide in time, if this is worth your time and effort. I am going through the same thing right now. Thanks, for sharing.
Laurie
Thanks Laurie!
Well, this is the second time she’s done something like this, so I am deciding that I am done being her doormat. Friends just should not treat each other this was. Judging by the way she speaks of other women who’ve done her wrong, I can see I am not the only one.
I may just be the only one to stand up to her, eventually!
How DO men deal with this junk anyway??? It’s like nothing bothers them.
I am currently going through a friendship drift! I moved from my hometown a little over a year ago to Texas. This move took me away from all of my friends and family and because I work from home it has been verify difficult meeting new people. My sister has been my best friend forever. We always spent time together. Since I moved she has gone through a divorce and is now dating someone new. I moved because I got engaged and my fiance lives in Texas. When I initially moved my sister and I talked on the phone all the time and promised each other that we would talk everyday even if just for a few minutes. Of course that didnt’ last. She is busy with her new life and while I am happy for her I really miss her. I think it is harder on me then her because she is still near our family and all of our friends and I haven’t really met anyone. My fiance it great but I really miss that “girl” time that I had when I was near people I knew. My sister is my Maid of Honor, but that closeness that we had before I moved isn’t there anymore. Bottom line, it makes me sad that this friendship isn’t what it used to be, especially when I haven’t been able to create any new friendships near me.
I agree that drifting is common, I can think of many people that I have know over the years where we drifted apart. In most cases I was fine with it because as friends we were just not on the same path. In this instants it is more difficult for me. There is a part of me that new once I moved this would happen. It was inevitable, however my heart was not convinced.
Of course, that would be the reason I joined this group. My fiance is great, and I love him to death. I just need to make some of my own friends so that I can talk about the wedding or the occassional stupid stuff my fiance does. lol
I appreciate this post so much. The drift and rift are current issues in my life. I believe that I have done both – let go too soon and hung on too long. I have just tried to reach out to a “rift” friend but she doesn’t want to try and mend the friendship. I don’t think I really wanted to keep the friendship but I had wanted to say how sorry I was for the way things ended. How to make the choice is what I am struggling with. My goal is to come to a conclusion with more peace. Thanks!
I just found this website. It’s just what I needed. I’m 55 years old and my best friend of 40 years and I are drifting. She went through a second divorce several years ago and her MS (which was diagnosed 25 years ago) has really progressed in the last few years. We live about 300 miles apart. — She makes me crazy when I visit. I ususally come for an event – like a play or concert. She wants me to arrive early so we can visit. When I get there at noon, she announces she has to wash her hair. Three hours later, her hair is washed and she putters around the house a while. We decide what restaurant to have dinner at. Next comes the make up and getting dressed. Three hours later and 20 minutes before the start of the event we leave for the event – no time for dinner. I drop her off in front of the venue and go park, using her handicapped permit.
I guess the worst part is she talks non-stop ALL the time. She begins talking the minute she sees me and doesn’t stop until I leave. I don’t get a chance to share anything about my life with her. Her conversation tends to be disjointed and rambling. I rarely get a word in edgewise, and when I do, she usually talks over me or changes the subject back to something about herself.
I feel like my good friend has turned into a whole other person. This is not who she used to be just a few years ago. I understand MS attacks the body in terrible ways. I understand she is very isolated because of her disease and limitations. But I don’t even KNOW her anymore.
We are both grieving for our drifting friendship.
It’s so odd…I don’t no if its a rift or what with this friendship of mine. Ive been really good friends with this girl…Id say best friends. We would talk 10 times a day text all the time even hang out on days off. All of a sudden she took a “Girl Trip” without me. That hurt a lot. When I asked about it she kinda brushed it off. I find out she brought another friends shes not even close to like she is with me. Now, we barley talk or text and if anything she will say something rude about any other friend I have. I don’t understand it. I just stop talking and get off the phone. I have found out that she has hid some best friend things from me but I really don’t care about that anymore. I go from talking to my best friend everyday to extremely minimal. If I text her so don’t text back so Im just not texting her anymore. Ive been there for her and it hurts to have a friend just stop all together. P.S. There was never a fight, and I never did anything to upset her.
Oh my– those are painful stories! UGH! This is when I wish we gave each other the courtesy we would if we were dating someone– of at least having a “break-up” talk. For some reason we never feel obligated to tell the other person why “it’s just not working anymore,” which prevents us from the opportunity to both show up differently and bring more strength, vulnerability, and forgiveness to the relationship.
It may be too late now, but one option is to email her without blame, judgment, or defensiveness, just to see what she feels happened? Maybe something like, “I really miss you and our friendship. I’m so sorry if I came across ever as jealous or possessive of your engagements with other friends– that was not my intent at all! In fact, I not only want you to have other friendships, but I want to support them and recognize that we all experience different things from different relationships. What I loved about us was…. and I miss that. Is there anything we can do to repair our friendship or co-create something more meaningful for us? I’d be open to talking honestly about what we each need and how we each can give to each other in more meaningful ways. Love you tons. Still a fan of yours, Tara”
So sorry Tara for the pain of a drift. Thanks for sharing…. we’ve all been there!
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I just came across this article while browsing on the website, and it struck a note with me. I have 3 really great Committed Friends who have been with me for a long time (the least amount of time being 7 years). We’ve been through lots of changes and ups and downs with each other, and we’ve both been there for each other through a lot. However, lately, I’ve noticed one of my really good friends beginning to “drift” away, and I’m not even sure that she’s doing it intentionally. She recently got married and I was her Maid of Honor. This was 6 months ago and since then, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve spent quality time with her. We only have one day off a week together (Sundays), but I feel like she’s become so much more insulated since her marriage! I’m trying to be understanding because I know she’s a newlywed and is still in the “honeymoon phase” of her marriage, but I feel like she never reaches out to me to hang out anymore. The last time I have a recorded text message of her asking me to do something is in April, and it’s now June. She goes to school and works full time, so I know she’s busy, but I feel like before her marriage she used to make more time for her friends, and we’d at least go out to dinner once every few weeks. Now I haven’t seen her or spent quality time with her since her birthday in May. I just feel like she’s not keeping up with the friendship like she used to and I don’t know how to talk to her about it. Do I say that I’m feeling neglected or lonely? Or do I just try to keep inviting her to do things and hope that she will come out with me?
If it were me, I’d call her and say, “Hi! I miss you! A lot! I was calling to see if we could schedule some time together…. can we put our calendars together and land a date for us?” Basically you’re asking for what you need without blame and guilt, and doing it in such a way that can affirm her, reminding her that she’s missed and that you enjoy time together. Hope that helps!