The other night I was out with some new friends and, as often happens when someone finds out that my work is all about female friendships, women I barely know start to tell me their friendship woes.
One very friendly woman in her mid-forties was explaining to me that she doesn’t have time for friends anymore now that she’s a mom. (sound familiar? read this post.) She went back-and-forth between defending her perceived reality and also sounding incredibly wistful. Like many of us in denial, we try to convince ourselves we’re fine while simultaneously wishing things could be different. But then, her closing lines were, “Well I found out most of my previous friends weren’t real friends anyway or they’d still be around. So who needs them, right?” She tried to laugh as though she didn’t care.
A Refresher on Shasta’s Circles of Connectedness
One of my favorite things to teach in workshops, which is also a big part of my upcoming book, is about the Five Circles of Connectedness. It’s most often put to use when it comes to evaluating our current friendships or figuring out how to add new ones or deepen others. Today, I want to talk about it in the context of break-ups and unmet expectations.
Watch the 4 minute YouTube Clip explaining the 5 Circle of Connectedness if you’re not already familiar with them!
You’ll want to go catch up on the abbreviated definitions of Shasta’s 5 Circles of Connectedness if you’re not familiar with them already: Watch YouTube or Read a Previous Post.
But basically, the friends on the Left Side in the Contact and Common Circles are friendships where we more-or-less have one way of being together, one commonality holding us together. That is to say our friendships are largely dependent upon the fact that we both attend the same church, are part of the same mother’s group, are both single, or because we work together.
Friendships can increase or decrease through these Circles.
To move someone over to the Right Side in the Community and Committed Circles means that we have added new ways of being together (i.e. brunch on the weekend in addition to whatever our original commonality was), have spent considerable one-on-one time together, and have increased our intimacy.
Confirmed Friends in the middle are for the women who used to be in our Committed Circle of best friends, but we no longer have the consistency with them that our Right-Side friendships require.
If we mistakenly believe that all our friendships are more-or-less the same then we may not have realistic expectations in place. Unmet expectations lead to disillusionment, and possible blame and anger toward the friends who aren’t “there” for us.
There are SO many applications to our friendship Rifts and Drifts in these 5 Circles, but in the sensitivity of article length, I’ll just mention the two most common misconceptions that can disappoint us if we don’t understand our different types of friendships.
Two Common Misunderstandings in our Circles that Lead to Disappointment:
1) Assuming a Common Friend is a Commitment Friend. We can feel so close to someone at work, church, or our mothers group and mistakenly believe that they should “be there in big ways” for us just because we both really like each other, get a long well, and see each other consistently in that common setting.
But the truth about Common Friends is that unless we have co-created a friendship that extends beyond that shared commonality– when that commonality ends, the friendship will inevitably Drift apart if someone doesn’t intentionally try to create a new way of connecting. And that doesn’t always work due to time, priorities, interests, etc. These friendships don’t end because we don’t like each other, but because we haven’t yet practiced being together in new ways, outside of that commonality.
We get our feelings hurt when we stop attending church or change jobs and no one calls us anymore– but if that place was what we had in common, then no matter how close we felt, we’re the ones who left that friendship structure. If the thing we have in common is getting our families together on the weekends to go camping, but then we go through a divorce, unless we had another way of being together just as women, we risk Drifting apart when it’s our ex-spouse who has all the camping equipment.
It’s not her fault, even if the changes were in her life. In a friendship– when we blame, we risk a Rift; if we decide we want to initiate consistently, we may be able to avoid a Drift.
If we can be honest in these moments and see them for what they are– losing structures or commonalities that connected us– then we can either find more peace in the Drift without us taking it personally or we more clearly see that we’ll have to co-create new ways of being with that person. Which doesn’t happen automatically.
2) Not realizing a Confirmed Friend is no longer a Commitment Friend. The other misunderstanding that can get the best of us is not realizing that just because we used-to-be-best friends, that while we still love each other so much, we no longer live near each other, talk regularly, or are present for each others lives in the same ways.
And if we haven’t fostered new Commitment Friends where we now live, we’re likely to make the mistake of wanting those Confirmed Friends to act like them. We’ll be hurt when they don’t know what’s going on in our lives, forgetting that it is our responsibility to build up local friends who can care for us on the consistent basis.
Because of the intimacy and trust we’ve built with these women back in college or in a previous life phase, we certainly make decisions to call our Confirmed Friends to stay in touch with them better to support us through a season or to tell them honestly what we need. But hopefully they’ve developed close local friends that they are giving to so we want to be careful to not blame them for not reading our minds or knowing how to help us.
If we don’t have strong relationships on the Right-Side, it becomes so easy to look to our other friends in the other Circles and begrudge them for not “being there” for us. It’s so easy, when our life changes, to want everyone to be there for us that we sometimes forget that we never practiced that with each other beforehand or had yet built up to that Circle of Commitment.
If “she” wasn’t “there” for you, was she really your friend?
To the beautiful woman who wondered aloud, “Well I found out most of my previous friends weren’t real friends anyway or they’d still be around. So who needs them, right?” and to all of us who ask a variation of that rhetoric question, I say this:
I am so sorry that you were hurt and disappointed by what you hoped someone would be for you. That sucks. However, we don’t have to devalue who they were or what we shared together. It’s entirely possible they were a “real” friend, even if they weren’t the Committed Friend we had hoped they were. Furthermore, the answer to previous disappointments isn’t to give up on friendships altogether, but rather, to be sure to take responsibility for co-creating even stronger–more consistent and intimate–friendships this time around.
If you have questions– ask them in the comments. It’s sometimes impossible to be comprehensive on such a big subject in one posting! Hope the outline at least helps though?
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Has anyone ever had a friend completely vanish on them?
It happened to me. We moved to different cities but stayed in touch, sending long emails, phone calls, catching up when we both happened to be in the same town, stayed at each others places, and gossiped and shared late into the night. She was a soul-sister, or so I thought, and believed I would always know her as one of my most-loved friends.
One day, she just stopped replying to emails. Never picked up the phone when I called. It took me a while to notice, after all, life is busy and friends will not always get back to you. But after a couple of months I noticed there’d been nothing but silence from her end and I stepped up my efforts to get in touch. I even contacted her other friends to find out if she was okay – and she was. She just wasn’t responding to me.
That was 5 years ago now and I’m still so sad when I think of her. Maybe I was too self-absorbed. Maybe I wasn’t a very good friend to her. Yet I still can’t understand why she cut me off with no warning, no explanation, nothing. Was she pretending our entire friendship? I’d love to hear others’ insights on this! Have you had to cut off a friend?
I just posted in response to your post. Would you have felt better to voice your hurt feelings and tell her you’re cutting her off? I’m so frustrated about my friendship. I just want closure because it’s driving me crazy thinking about someone who obviously doesn’t care enough about me to text or call me back. I would hate to feel this way 5 years from now…All I can say to help you is that you’re not alone. I’m sure it isn’t anything you did. I think it is your ex-friend’s fault you’re not friends anymore and she probably knew she didn’t deserve you. One thing I keep thinking about is that I let her know she disappointed me about not calling on my birthday and think maybe she just felt bad about it and didn’t know what to say on the phone after that..then the longer it went this way, the harder it is to try to reconnect and call me back. Honestly I don’t know what I would do if she called me right now. I imagine I’d feel better and relieved but also probably want to talk about what happened to out friendship and why she’d gone away from it. Maybe that is what is keeping her from calling or texting back—she doesn’t want to go thru explaining and feeling bad. But knowing this does not fix my problem. I need closure, or an explanation…something! Should I text her letting her know how I feel?? Let her know I’m not going to call or text anymore if she doesn’t respond this time? I feel like I need to draw a line somewhere that makes her responsible for what comes next. I don’t want to keep thinking about her like this. I’d rather be angry and have closure than be sad and always wonder, keeping a soft place in my heart waiting for her. Because I wouldn’t do this to her, leave her hanging like she’s doing to me. Please give me any advice. I’m thinking of texting her soon.
Wow this sounds like what I’m going through now. It’s been about a month and a half since it seems my friend just cut me off and I’m still sending text messages every week trying to get her to respond, calling her and getting voicemail. It hurts so much because we were so close, talking almost everyday…she even missed calling me on my birthday which is all I wanted that day. I had sent her a text telling her to call me because it was my birthday and was so disappointed that she didnt and sent her a text with a broken heart the next day. She replied with an email saying she was going thru something and apologized acknowledging she knew she disappointed me. But since then, our friendship totally declined. She doesn’t even answer my texts anymore and I’m so hurt and feel like I’m driving myself crazy thinking about what I must’ve done, or what she must be going thru, thinking that she must not have have been a real friend those days we were talking almost everyday. I wish I could have closure. I wish she would just tell me to stop texting or calling instead of just leaving me hanging. I feel like I always decide not to call or text anymore but I end up doing it after a few days hoping I would get her at a good time when she would answer the phone or text back. I feel angry too and betrayed. I feel like I’m losing my dignity each time I text or call and she doesn’t care enough to answer or respond. Honestly feel like sending her a text telling her I realize that I don’t miss her, I miss the person I thought she was. But I think about it and decide it just sounds like I’m trying to provoke her and I think that I would sound crazy or needy. And I’m afraid that if I send it and she was meaning to text back soon that I would make her angry and decide not to call. I think the worst thing is if I sent a message like that, I’m afraid I won’t get a response at all and then I’d feel even more like she didn’t care. On the other hand, she’s not calling me or texting me now and don’t know if she ever will. But I think the most hurtful thing is that I’m sure she gets something out of hearing from me, to know that I still care probably makes her happy but she isn’t returning the sentiment but instead tearing my self esteem down as I imagine her thinking “why doesn’t she get the hint? I’m not responding because I have nothing for her anymore.” or she’s probably thinking I’m acting like some stalker, which might flatter her but degrade who I am in her eyes. I just wish I had closure. I’m thinking way too much about this person than they are worth. It’s because we were so close for three months straight and felt we had a mental and spiritual connection. Should I send her a message about how this is making me feel? Should I tell her that I’m cutting her off? Because how this this making me feel is depressed and obsessed. And I just need to stop thinking about this person who obviously doesn’t care anymore. Can you anyone tell me your thought about me putting closure to this? I hate myself when I go back and text her after getting no responses from her for a couple of weeks now.
Malena,
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I had a friend, actually several that have done this to me. I know you want some closure but sometimes that closure that you want may not happen. The truth is that sometimes we grow out of friendships or our girlfriends find a reason (no matter how small) to leave the friendship behind. The best closure you can give yourself is to reach out to that friend once more (which you have already done), acknowledge that it is different but appreciate the friendship for what it was and focus on yourself. I know this is easier said than done. But it’s like dating, there is more than one person out there for us when looking for a spouse and the same goes with friendships. If you have any anger or resentment, you have to let it go because it will just hurt you.
Like I said before, focus on yourself. Make a list of things that you have always wanted to do or accomplish and start taking those steps to achieve them. Find other groups or people with similar interests. That has helped me out a lot. But remember, being angry will not help the situation. I have two people from my job that I was super close with. For whatever reason, they have ended the friendship and have become quite cold towards me. It hurt for awhile, especially because their offices are next to my and they are constantly hanging out. I was also angry but I realized in the end, that it wouldn’t change anything. Focusing on my goals has helped me move forward and honestly become a stronger person. Just know that you will meet other people and as you change, so will your friendships. Change is good!
I recently changed jobs and found that 3 people I thought were committed friends were actually common friends. They pretty much dropped out of my life completely once we were no longer working together.
This was especially hurtful because I’ve been going through a hard time and really needed someone to lean on and I was crushed that people who I thought would be there for me no matter what had bailed. I did the same thing — calling, texting, emailing, Facebooking. I finally had to accept that they were done with me. More importantly, I realized that I deserved better and I didn’t want to be friends with people who don’t actually want to be friends with me and who only begrudgingly make plans with me out of guilt or pity.
I think that they were true friends at the time we were friends. I was really angry and didn’t believe that for a long time, but now I’m at a place where I can say, “We had a lot of fun together, but we’ve grown apart and that’s ok.”
The people I work with now have no interest in forming friendships outside of work. I took that personally for a long time.
But I found this website and I picked a couple of people I didn’t know well but enjoyed and wanted to get to know better, and I’ve been making an effort to become closer to them.
I swear, I’ve been with my husband since we were 16…dating was never this hard!!
The 5 circles of connectedness truly helps to put things in perspective. There is value in each circle. I find my friends are heavily in the confirmed circle. When I do connect with those friends in the confirmed circle, it is really quality time. I feel fortunate to have that. It is true that I really need to move more toward the right. So far, I am very satisfied with what I have but it is true that one needs to have someone that you can call to talk to when you need a friend in times of need.
In light of “Was She Really A Friend” remains to be a mystery to me. I had a teenage friend and through the years, she was also my confidant. She journeyed with me as I transitioned from a unsecured child to a women who found strength and became the women I set out to be. Right before I got married and after I got married, she dropped me as a friend. I still don’t understand it as of today. I even asked if she would be one of my bridesmaid but she declined. I would have not asked if I even thought she felt that way. The only thing I remembered her saying prior to my wedding was that she did not have the time to devote to being a bridesmaid. After I got married, I called her and asked if we could get together. She always had pre-engagements and said she was booked a month out. Eventually, I just got the hint and stopped pursuing the friendship. I tried to figure out why she was pulling away. Was it because I got married shortly before she got married for the third time? Or could it have been that she felt I didn’t need her anymore? Who knows…I couldn’t even have a dialog with her to find out because she had already dropped out.
A mystery indeed but not stumbling stone for me in my life.
Thanks for sharing this story Gloria! One can only hope that in the time since then that she has grown and matured to the point that she at least knows what was triggered for her in your getting married. Perhaps she was too insecure back then too to know how to share her own feelings honestly. I say it all the time: “How people respond to you usually says more about them than it does about you.” I hope she’s thriving and has grown as much as you have!
I really wonder about situations like this – does saying goodbye for good actually make any difference? (I have done this kind of thing with ex-boyfriends and it gives me a little bit of closure, but at the same time, I KNOW that I don’t want them back.) Whereas with a friend, a soul-sister, I like to think I would always keep the door open.
As you said in your other post, there’s also the feeling of losing your dignity each time you reach out, to have zero response. That’s very hard to bear.
I think, if you need closure and know you don’t ever want to be friends again, you can tell her goodbye for good. Otherwise, well, I don’t know. I let it drift away.
(I did email my friend when I heard she got married, which was about a year ago, but again, no response. I didn’t expect one but she knows the door is always open.)
Kelly– thanks for giving this example. It honors the fact that just as we grow and change and mature– so do our friends. You leaving the door open to her is a big gift that she may one day take. And rathe than lose any dignity that you put something out there without a response– I think it upholds your dignity as someone who can bless others, no matter what.
(This one was supposed to be a reply to Malena!)
Wow , I feel better reading all of these comments above ! I lost a best friend recently and have been having a hard time with it. Like the others that have commented here there was no obvious rift between us. She had major problems with her husband and somehow pulled away from me. I’ve missed her horribly and have been sad. Recently I have realized…….it’s too late to repair it anyway so I may as well let it/her go. I have reached out to her many times with little or no response from her. Truth is I could never trust her again like I had the past 8-9 years when were best friends/sisters. So it’s time to move on. I can easily get my feelings hurt because I ‘give it all’ to my friendships. I’m not going to continue to ‘beat myself up’ over it. I know I was a good friend to her and for what ever reason she has decided to isolate her self with her cheating husband. I wish her the best and I’ll never regret all of our great times together shopping, auctions, traveling etc. But it is what it is………over. Thanks to everyones posts here. Its’ always helpful to realize we are not the only ones in a given situation. I welcome new friendships and relationships and cherish even more my husband and son………..
And thanks for yours Susan! These stories break my heart… the things we do to each other that cause pain and grief, often unintentionally. Indeed you’re a wise woman to realize that her actions say way more about her life than about yours….. I’m sorry for the pain. I will say however that it’s never too late… sometimes a note that says “I miss us… is there anything we can do to repair our friendship” can work no matter how many years have passed. And you could trust her again… especially if she could describe why she pulled away to begin with. But, if your gut says it’s time to grieve and let go– then that’s fine too. You will know better than I!
I agree with Shasta, her Blog was perfectly timed (as is this GFC site) as I too have found friends who lost touch or let’s face it, their life changed. You can have a totally different career with an entirely different husband and then, change careers, then husbands – 10 years later, a whole new set of friends are made. It’s tough when you no longer have much in common with those you thought were close or people move away and start new lives.
Email, texting, and phone calls get boring after awhile. I’ll keep in touch with some FB friends (on occasion) and those I’ve been close to in the past, I’m just planning on face-to-face relationships in the future! No more chatting with 800 Facebook “friends” I barely know!
But that’s exactly why I chose GirlFriend Circles to start anew with like-minded people in my new town
Thanks Shasta.
You’re so welcome Camille! And thanks to you for joining in this community and posting a comment. You described it well what happens in our lives– frequently to no one’s fault– life just changes.
The most difficult experience for me was going through cancer treatment. The women who I thought were my best friends were not there for me. After my treatment was over, they wanted to go to lunch or whatever. I have come to believe that they were not true friends in the first place and I have moved on.
Jane– Oh I’m so sorry! I hear that more often than I want to…. as though going through cancer isn’t enough, it becomes so much more painful when we feel like we’re doing it alone.
As a learning experience for the rest of us– what did being “there” look like to you? And did they know that? Did you consider those women “commitment friends” or do you think they were more Common friends where maybe those friendships hadn’t quite built up to that level of commitment and giving?
Congrats on completing treatment. Blessings on you!
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In the last year, i have stopped contacting 2 friends, only because it was my contact that kept us friends. These were long time friends, one 25 years and the other 35 years. It was me that said hi on FB, stopped by their house, set up play dates and basically kept the friendships alive. I have realized that even tho i considered them friends, they have become increasingly negative energies and less supportive when i needed to have support. I miss having those relationships, only because they have been a constant in my life. I moved to the country 13 years ago, and since then, all of the city friends don’t come over because it’s too far, but its ok for me to go to their house, even though its the same distance (45 min., is that really that far?) Again, i am keeping the relationships alive. I have not been able to make friends in the country, and feel horribly alone. My husband is a solitary man, so he doesn’t have or make friends, and he is gone all the time. I love my place in the country, but hate the loneliness. It seems that people don’t invite me for events, because i live “so far”. I don’t get it. I have lots of friends in the “common” arena, but no really close friends anymore, and i don’t know how to make them. I do not have close relationships with family members, because our family is just not tight and we do not stay in contact, so i feel an emptiness there. My husband is a good man, but he isn’t much on communications, or socializing, so again, not a deep connection there. I am close to my 3 sons, but they have their own lives and i understand that.
I don’t feel like contacting those long term friends, and asking to rebuild a friendship that was one sided, on not really supportive. They haven’t contacted me in years, why would i want to save that type of a relationship?
Help! I hate walking this earth alone.