When I’m interviewed by reporters about friendship, I’m often asked about my feelings about Facebook. And then they seem surprised, and a little disappointed, when I simply answer, “I love Facebook as one of the tools we can use for our friendships.”
Facebook isn’t to blame!
Facebook Is a Tool, My Friends
I have read many others rant and decry how Facebook is ruining our relationships, but I don’t agree.
Can Facebook ruin a relationship? Yes, I suppose so. But I wouldn’t say that it is the fault of Facebook, but rather the responsibility of the people who are using Facebook. After an awkward face-to-face conversation with someone, we don’t then declare that we should never meet a friend for dinner. After a phone call ended with someone in tears, we don’t then say that phones are the demise of friendships. And the same is true of Facebook. It is a tool that we can use to maintain (or damage) our friendships.
To say that Facebook can be an amazing tool to help our friendships is not the same as saying that it’s the perfect tool for every setting and situation and person. But that’s the responsibility of the people using the tool, not the fault of the tool. (see my link at the bottom for a post about some Facebook limitations.)
Facebook is Not to Blame for Your 5 Complaints
Here are the five most common complaints I hear from people who have either closed down their accounts in protest or have refused to ever join:
- “Facebook is too shallow–everyone seems to only brag about the good in their lives or talk about inane things like what they ate for dinner.” Yes, that can be true. But how is that different from most of life? Many family get-togethers, high school reunions, networking events, and dinner parties can fall prey to that trap as well. But those events are still valuable for other reasons. There is still a level of bonding and connection that can happen in this realm. We may not be hearing all aspects of someone, but we’re still learning about them. We can’t just refuse to engage with everyone unless it’s really intimate and meaningful– truthfully we can’t maintain more than a handful of those relationships and we need more support in our lives than that. Rather than blame Facebook for simply capturing what we do in real life, react the same way you would if you were at an event– find a couple of people you want to get to know better and engage with them. Comment on their photos, write them a personal message, ask them a follow-up question to their status update.
- “Facebook makes me feel bad about myself.” No,that shows you your areas for growth. A tool is not responsible for your feelings. Yes, Facebook may show us how many more people are having babies, retiring, going on vacation, or hanging out with friends, but the goal isn’t to shut out everything that makes us feel insecure as much as it is to do the work of feeling secure and happy. That is not Facebook’s fault unless we only find our worth in comparing our lives to others. And that is not the life we want. We want to be people whose peace isn’t dependent upon what someone else is or isn’t doing. Rather than blame Facebook for making us feel bad, we can use it as gymnasium for our souls to practice cheering for others (give thumbs up, say congrats!), gather information about what we want more of in our lives, and get clear about how we can show up online and offline with more self-worth.
- “It’s offensive to find out big news from friends through Facebook.” While I do think there are some conversations and friendships where Facebook may not be the best choice of tool, I will say that when it comes to a friend announcing something– that is her moment, not yours. You feeling offended means you’re making this about you when it’s about her. If she gets engaged and just wants to shout it on the Facebook rooftops– then let her. Let her have her moment and express it however it feels best to her. That isn’t about you or your friendship– be very careful that you’re not taking personally what isn’t meant to be taken personally. Rather than blame Facebook, I’d suggest that we remember that the way we find out doesn’t limit the way we respond. Be sure to comment and celebrate her when you see it on the wall– she undoubtedly wants people to know. But if your friendship is deeper than that, be the one who drops a card of congrats in the mail, leaves an enthusiastic voice mail telling her you can’t wait to hear all the details, or shoots off an email to schedule a time to take her out and celebrate her.
- “I hate seeing my friends out doing things without me.” Okay, I get it– it’s never fun to feel like the uninvited person or an outsider. But, again, getting off Facebook doesn’t mean it won’t happen, it just means you won’t know about it. And you’re stronger than that. It’s the meaning we give to those moments that hurt us. If you believe your worth is in being her only friend, then we have bigger issues than Facebook. I always champion that the healthiest friendships are where both women have other friends. It would be nice to get to a place where you could be cheering for her as she builds up her support system, and where you know you’re doing the same. Rather than blame Facebook, be appreciative that you can use Facebook to get ideas of fun things you want to invite people to do, be inspired by her making new friends, and do what you can to keep contributing to that relationship with her. Giving her the space to make friends will benefit you in many ways down the road– she’ll demand less from you and soon enough she’ll be able to introduce you to the people she’s meeting.
- “I got my feelings hurt when she de-friended me.” The number of articles written about this just astounds me. In my opinion we are being way too dramatic about this de-friending option. If you are de-friended– this isn’t your new title, doesn’t reflect your worth, nor does it speak to the future of the friendship you can still have with her. What it does say is that the two of you having something going on between you that isn’t resolved and forgiven. Rather than reacting from your wounded ego, what can you do to help repair this friendship? Facebook is not to blame for our petty fights, disagreements, and frustrations with each other. Every relationship has them whether we’re on Facebook or not. Being de-friended is the equivalent of needing some space– it doesn’t need to be permanent. Much like the shutting of a door or the hanging up of a phone– it simply says that we have work to do in this relationship.
So there you have my thoughts on this subject! (Not that you asked me! LOL!) I’m looking forward to your comments and reactions… (I think?!) 
And, if you’re up for it, be a friend of GirlFriendCircles on Facebook. It will keep you updated with friendship articles in the news, updates on my books, alerts to friendships events in your area, etc. And we’ll never de-friend you. Promise.
On a similar note: A couple of years ago I wrote a blog about the five best purposes of Facebook and the inherent limitations.
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Oh my I absolutely LOVE and ADORE this post!! You said everything that needs to be said on the subject and I am so happy someone wrote it in such a plain and awesome way. I can’t thank you enough. I am SO frustrated when people blame their problems on FB. You are so right….FB is not to blame for real life problems that would be there whether or not there was a FB. I can’t believe people would even think of blaming FB for their problems. REAL people are the ones on FB and your relationship with them is going to be what affects what happens on FB! THANK YOU!! Here I go to share this on FB!!
Sara– thanks for your cheers! I’m sure not everyone will like it– but nice to have the first comment be encouraging.
Have a good weekend!
Big fan of your writing, thinking and all round “being” – thanks for sharing your light with the rest of us Shasta!! xoxo
Awww, thanks Ayesha! Means a lot!
Shasta, perfection. You nailed it 100%. I agree with everything you’ve listed, and it is absolutely how I’ve always felt about Facebook. I’m going on 5 yrs on it, and I’ve found friends from early childhood to high school. It is my “tool” to keep them in my life, and to feel connected to my past. I have no family on Facebook, as I feel I would have to censor myself. I’ve tried explaining this to my young adult son, to no avail. Because I believe he is in a different category of facebooking altogether. And that? Is also the beauty of this facebooking tool–it is so multi-generational, what it is to me, is not what it is to my 22 yr old son….it has it’s tricky bits to it, as my son thinks I should allow his fiance, and her family from Chicago, onto my facebook, but I will not do this, again for the censorship factor that I feel is, and always will be, a factor to me. I am a writer from way back, and I do not wish to change how I express myself online…I am sharing this post of yours. I know of one friend who recently was complaining about how facebook was for HER, and hopefully, this will keep her on FB, and not leave in frustration over what she feels SHE is not getting out of it! Brava!
Julie– thanks for your post! Did you know that you can let family friend you on Facebook and then you can put them into a group together and set them as a unit for what they can see or not see. In other words, if helpful, you can write a status update and select that everyone EXCEPT them sees it. So they can be your friend, and see the stuff that you don’t mind them seeing, but you can limit what you don’t want them to see? Just an idea if it matters.
We all have our own reasons for what we want to say and who we want to say it to!
Well said. I find that FB is like my water cooler talk since I work from home and have a young child, so my social life is less than thrilling. And FB allows me to keep loosely in touch with many more people easily. However, I do notice that my closest friendships are ones that don’t involve much FB interactions. But having FB as a tool actually frees me up to focus my limited in-person or on-the-phone time to just those few quite close friendships. Appreciate this post! One we should all read again as election season intensifies and political posts abound!
Indeed– but speaking as one of your good friends– I actually still like reading your posts as they are often things that help picture your life and aren’t always the things we bring up in conversation. I love keeping in touch with you this way AND other ways!
Good post as usual, Shasta!
I would just like to add to #5 about defriending. It *may not* even have anything to do with your relationship. It may simply be that while the friend likes you in real life, they’re just not interested in the cat videos, politics, religion, recipes, or whatever it is that you may post a lot of. While Facebook does now allow you to be friends with people and filter out some of these things, most people haven’t figured that out yet. Often the easiest thing to do is simply unfriend those posting the stuff that they find annoying. But that doesn’t mean it’s personal at all. It’s just not what they want to see on Facebook!
Excellent point Jill! True! True! True!
I love what you said. All of it. FB is simply the scapegoat du jour. it’s easier to blame a “thing” than work on ourselves. Growth takes work and, often, some pain.
FB has allowed me to reconnect with so many people. I share in their joys, and I support them in their troubles. And they do the same for me. What a valuable precious gift. My son is going through a tough time right now, and I was able to find a friend from middle school who went through the same thing. Getting the two of them together has made a huge positive impact on my son.
As always: focus on the positive, minimize the negative, and be mindful of your words and actions because they impact others in ways you never imagined
Thanks for posting Beth! You’re succinct, clear, and well spoken! (And, huge hugs to you as you go through this time with your son– so glad you found support!)
I disagree with almost everything you wrote. While maybe we cannot BLAME current technology that removes the HUMANITY in our personal interactions we can absolutely decry and lament that same IS happening. And the more female role models suggest that it isn’t right to blame FB the more people, especially women, think the status quo is as good as it gets. For example, the ladies of The Talk were all agreeing the other day that texting has replaced talking and 3 of those ladies said “if my cellphone is RINGING someone had better be dead! Everyone knows not to call me and that I only TEXT.” And people wonder why in a world where we are connected 24/7 we are feeling more isolated and alone than ever before. This blight post seeks to invalidate all of the legitimate concerns people rightly have about Facebook. What about the girl who had 3,000+ so-called Facebook friends and posted that she was in a “very dark way feeling utterly alone and felt like killing herself” Not one of her FB “friends” reached out to her that dark day and she ended up killing herself. Is that Facebook’s fault? Arguably no – but it is the fault of everyone who saw it and ignored it. You wrongly assume tht everyone has close REAL LIFE friends and that Facebook is for “your less close friendships” – not true. There are millions of people who report having “none or only 1 close friend to whom they can confide in” and I DO BLAME the way social media & technology trivializes Human Interaction for that sad statistic
LadyC
I know what you are talking about regarding people. We are not growing actual personal and/or long lasting friendships. This is going to.come back to haunt us; especially now that its been proven with studies of why peopl living over 100. One of the main reasons is a strong social circle of friends.
My father used to tell me “if you have one good friend in your life, you will be lucky”. Always made me feel that I might never find that REAL person that I could call friend. But my mother has long outlived my father. So long that she remarried and has out lasted her 2nd husband. She is close to her 90′s; and she has only been one, of several elder women in my life that has shown me SOCIAL NETWORKS ARE NECESSARY for those who are fortunate to live a long life.
SO true! Lot’s of articles being posted today about this research that shows how important friends are to a long life for women.
I don’t necessarily feel like we’re saying different things…. I don’t disagree with you at all. I would never want to live in a world that was only Facebook and I personally much prefer having close and face-to-face friendships. I think it’s your statement toward the end that makes the best point– we all are responsible for building “REAL LIFE” friendships that really matter to us and feed us. Facebook can’t replace that– it is simply a tool that can, at best, help enhance what we are willing to build offline. Sorry if you thought I was saying anything different than that! I actually am a huge proponent of making close local friends that you can see consistently!
I love the positive outlook you always provide in your articles!
Thank you Sally! Not everyone sees an article like this as “positive” but I’m so grateful you can still read that voice of mine that wants to always give hope and encouragement!
Shasta, I did know that about facebook–but it’s too mentally exhausting for me to even contemplate doing…I thought about it for oh, maybe a few seconds
and then thought, no. One slip, and I’d be cutting my own throat. Husbands side of the fam are mean spirited folks, and I already had a taste of what one of his nephews wives thought of me not accepting her friend request….she then sent a message to my adult son, asked him why I was “dissing her” by not accepting her friend request…so my son was dragged into her social aggressive drama. I hated that. It’s so dang complicated, sometimes, and I knew after that minor hiccup, that I was absolutely not going to even be tempted a teensy weensy bit by what I might be missing out on, by now having family on my fb. My side of the fam is only my brother, and he’s not on facebook, so works out pretty well to say “no family!”.
This post definitely caught my attention (especially because I write about it in my book) – so I wanted to comment!
I go back and forth with my thoughts and feelings about Facebook. I have a negative reaction with how some people use it – either they post every 5 minutes or their posts are information that would have been more meaningful to have shared in person or over the phone.
I feel that’s what Facebook takes away – the personal experiences we have with our friends when we share good news (ie, getting engaged, getting a promotion, etc.). It can be hurtful when a friend posts she got engaged and that’s how you find out. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I like to hear my friends’ voices or even better, see their happy faces and share in those priceless moments.
I realize Facebook provides many positive things – I just wish people were more considerate when using it.
That’s all
Nicole– it’s not old-fashioned to want to hear and see a friend! That’s a basic necessity to a meaningful friendship.
But certainly we can extend the gift to our friends to express themselves however they want (when they get engaged, get a promotion) without it limiting us how we respond? Sometimes telling everyone at once is all the time we have or the most joyful thing we can do. I know I post things that I simply don’t have time to call my top 6 friends and tell… posting it is my way of telling them. It doesn’t speak to loving them any less. I just wouldn’t want anyone to take that personally!
Thanks for the voice you are giving to friendship. Congrats on your book.
Wow. This is a great post because it gives the reader a lot to think about. Although I totally agree with what you wrote, I understand where some of the people who’ve left comments are coming from. It does seem like today’s society is less personal. Facebook is great for updating everyone at the same time about important things in my life. With three kids I just don’t have the time to spend on the phone telling the same story over and over. On the other hand, if I couldn’t say something on Facebook then many people wouldn’t hear it all. At the end of the day I think the important thing is this: we are all responsible for our interpersonal relationships and we can’t expect Facebook to manage our friendships for us.
Well said!
Come back and comment often!
Great blog Shasta! Even the one detractor among these comments (lady c) kind of exemplified your point. It all comes back to the user! If people are going to use a tool like Facebook, instead of complaining about it, they should educate themselves on how to use it to enhance their lives. You can make your profile private so only friends can see it, you can hide posts from those “annoying people” who constantly go on political rants and lastly, you can shut it off or get out all together.
People need to keep some perspective and take responsibility for their actions. I fall into the generation that learned my social skills before the internet (I’m 35) but also utilize it daily to make my life easier. My parents and grandparents are on FB too. My parents have reconnected with old high school friends and my grandparents get to see what all the grandkids are up to. None of this has cut down on our face time together, our phone calls or birthday cards – it’s just another tool to keep up.
The same goes for my friends. I don’t take things personally if I read something offensive. We all have hundreds of FB friends, we can’t consider their reactions to everything we post. And FB hasn’t stopped any of our friendships, old or new from growing and moving forward. I’m speaking about FB as a tool from an adult standpoint, of course. I’m not sure that future generations will continue to have the same interaction abilities. But, I have faith that this is another way of adapting to the new world. It’s not like the invention of the telephone stopped people from interacting via the written word. It’s just a change in how we communicate.
If you asked me 3 years ago, I would have said Facebook is great. I have moved a lot and so it made it really easy to keep up with friends and family who are far away. Then I started finding friends from high school and even further back which was really neat. Without Facebook I probably never would have seen or spoken to them again. However, I’ve really changed my opinion about Facebook over the last year or so. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for 1 1/2 years now. We both love children and are very much looking forward to the day when we become parents. It’s been a very painful journey and it has made me realize how baby-centric Facebook is. I would log on and see post after post of pregnancy announcements, baby pictures, posts about what stroller to buy, potty training, it just never ends. I deleted a bunch of people I barely knew and hid others, but it was still pretty bad. The worst is when someone is complaining about being a parent. I realize some may see this as a very specific situation. Some may think I am being overly sensitive. However, 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility – that’s 7.8 Million Americans!! I know for a fact that many people out there feel the same way. So does Facebook make people feel bad? Yes. Is that their fault? No. The other problem is when you’re going through a life crisis, you need real support from real friends who will actually be there for you. Facebook was making me feel more and more isolated, yet everyone else felt “so connected” to me and thought things were just peachy with me. Obviously I wasn’t going to post about such personal information. My counselor said that it is totally normal and acceptable to stay away from certain things (Facebook, baby showers, etc.) in order to protect yourself. I finally realized that my REAL friends don’t need Facebook to communicate with me. We can talk in person or if they are far away, via phone or email. That is exactly what I’ve done and I feel so much better. The people who REALLY care have communicated with me outside of Facebook and those who don’t want to or don’t want to make the extra effort haven’t. That is fine with me because I’d rather have 3 close friends that 297 acquaintances any day.
Jaimee– thanks for sharing your story… it’s a gift to us that you were open and honest. And my heart aches for you for the journey of infertility that you have journeyed. I’m so glad you have found a path of friendship that feels good to you right now.
I have experienced the de-friending on FB and I must admit it hurt like heck!!! I love the way u touched on that point. I pray that specific relationship will mend in time. Your article gave me and new and fresh prespective on how to look at the positive in this situation. Thank you!!!!!
Hi Shasta – You know I love your work and this article is no exception. I think you really hit the nail on the head about so many issues. Another one I’ve encountered with some people is getting upset w/ me because I don’t accept their friends’ friend requests or distant quote, unquote “family members.” I think this is another complaint I’ve seen. At the end of the day, for me, Facebook is a TOOL and I’ve been saying that to the women in my circle for quite some time. I’m glad to know this is how you feel as well because I strongly support & believe in the strength you are infusing into women. I believe at the end of the day, strength manifests through maturity and time. You touched on this in the paragraph concerning growth. For some, it takes longer to really grasp the importance of these concepts than others, and that’s okay, but we really need to get there. Until we do, we are allowing something that could really be making us stronger to weaken us and our friendships. Thanks for writing as always!