In teaching the 5 Circles of Connectedness last night for a room full of women, I was reminded again how seeing the varying spread of our different types of friends can prove so insightful. There are countless friendship principles that emerge when we can begin to answer questions by looking at the model. One such question is “Where do we find a BFF?”
Our “BFF’s” are the relationships on the far right–our Committed Friends. But where do we find them?
Where do we look for our Best Friends?
When you see that a Best Friend is someone who is on the far right-side of the continuum, in the Committed Friends Circle, and you acknowledge that every friendship starts on the far left-side in the Contact Friends Circle– then you quickly see first that every BFF is developed, not just discovered.
Even if you both fell in platonic love with each other upon meeting– you did not meet as Committed Friends. These Circles don’t speak to how much we admire each other or have in common, but rather to how much consistency and intimacy we have practiced with each other.
It is possible for two of us to meet and both want to be best friends with each other– but that does not make it so. For just as often as that happens, if we never get together again, a friendship we do not have. Time engaging with each other, not just good intentions and high hopes, is a prerequisite to a friendship.
So you’ve heard me say that every friend begins in the Contact Circle. And that is true. Then, as we practice being together– initiating consistency over time and incrementally increasing our vulnerability–we move our friendships from Left to Right.
But one mistake I think many of us are making is that we’re “auditioning” women in that far-left circle for the job of the far-right circle– and that is the wrong place to be looking. While all friendships start in the Contact Circle, that is not where we go picking who we think might someday be our closest confidantes. No, all we should ever be evaluating our Contact Friends on is, “Am I curious enough to keep leaning in?” In other words, is there enough there to keep me open to grabbing coffee with her one more time? Sitting next to her during that class again? Finding her after church to say hi one more time? Making sure I walk by her desk today to ask about her weekend?
In this Circle someone can be twice our age, vote our opposite, or have more kids than we have dates– and that’s okay. We know we want good friends down the road, but we don’t really know who that will turn out to be, and the role of a friend in this Circle isn’t for them to be just like us. (Read #2 of this blog that talks about what commonalities we need to have.)
Contact Circle Friends can only “apply” to become Common Friends– the friends where we practice getting to know each other better in whatever commonality brought us together. They don’t get to skip to any other Circle.
Found them!
If we want more women in the Committed Circle, then it’s only one Circle toward the left, in our Community Circle, where our future BFF’s can be found.
Women have made it into our Community Circle because we’ve been practicing the dance of friendship together over some time and in some different ways. Something originally brought us together–i.e. work, a mutual friend, a class, an event–and from there, we have not only taken our conversations deeper, but we’ve gone beyond that original commonality. We may have met through an association, but now we get together on our own. We may have met when our kids went to school together, but now even if one of them switched schools, we still get together for coffee. We may have met through a mutual friend, but we feel comfortable calling each other directly now.
Our Community Circle has a handful of women– that given just a wee bit more consistency and/or intimacy could develop into the Committed Circle. If you want a few more women who are 9′s and 10′s in your life, then go looking at those who are already 6′s, 7′s and 8′s.
Why This Matters:
Understanding that relationships are developed makes all the difference.
For one, it allows you to show up with less judgment in the early stages of a friendship. We don’t need to dismiss someone because they don’t have kids and we do, or because they’re retired and we’re not yet. We can welcome them into our Contact Circle and just keep leaning in with curiosity. We don’t need to know now, nor could we know, whether this person might someday be on our Right-Side. For now, we can welcome as much diversity into our lives as possible, letting go of the need to weed people out. That’s not our job at this point. We are invited to open our arms wider on the far Left-Side.
Second, this helps us hold healthy expectations about each Circle of Friends. Seeing the development reminds us that we can’t compare people on the Left-Side to the friends on the Right-Side; being disappointed when a new-ish friend doesn’t act like the BFF we’re looking for. Just because a Contact Friend doesn’t call you as much as you wish doesn’t mean she wouldn’t if you two developed the friendship into Community or Commitment Friends. We can’t dismiss people for not acting like the friend we hope to have when we’re not yet anywhere close to having earned or developed that kind of attention, time, and vulnerability.
And third, it showcases how important it is to constantly be inviting people into our Continuums, moving some of them along into more intimate circles. Our Circles shift, people move, life happens. To build a strong social support in our lives, we will need to not just foster the friendships we love right now, but we will also want to continue connecting with others that may prove meaningful down the road.
We want to know that when we are in the market for adding another close friend into our lives (as we are more often than we want to admit!) that we have nurtured the possibilities that will make that search a little easier.
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I found a “best” friend thru GC but she is too busy nowadays to meet with me. Too busy means no time for friends! Well, I can only hope that we will get together again, but I am afraid that it will be on her terms, not mine. :>(
Diane– So hard, isn’t it, to have more time and energy than she does! Sorry for the sadness that provokes… I will say that this is one of the reasons I advocate us having more than one BFF. We are usually better off with 3-5 close confidantes so that it doesn’t fall on any one person to be there for us all the time, and so we can get the support we need from various people. I hope during this time that you’ll take the time to keep loving her well even though she is busy AND that you’ll keep reaching out to new friends, too!
welcome to the club. if she is too busy to be a good friend, then find someone who will make the effort to keep the friendship going.
The issue I have struggles with is…uhmm how to write this and it makes sense!..Ok I know a lady, when we used to bump into each at softball, we always enjoyed talking…well now jump forward 2 years,I have tried to take a more active role in developing new relationships…but she and I no longer have a shared activity where we regularly see each other… I tried to contact her for a few times for different things, each time a great conversation but quick…I invited her to get a pedi, she couldn’t make it…I started to feel kinda pushy…she did also intiate back a few times…it just seemed with out a regular interaction, it felt odd to just keep calling…like I met this lady 2 years ago, and now she calls me aLOT!!!!!….how do you cultivate a friendship with just someone you like??! or feel you have a lot in common??…Any suggestions!
You’re doing it right…. you just have to keep initiating since you have nothing that brings you two together unless one of you makes it happen. So you have to make it happen. What I would suggest is that while you are out with her one time, use that time to set up the next time so you don’t have to call out of the blue again. At the end of your time together, just say “This was so much fun. I’d love to do it again, if you’re up for it? Shall we schedule it now so we can plan around it?” Or, see if she’s open to setting up something regular with you– say the last Friday of every month? Or every other Tuesday evening, etc. But don’t give up! Especially since you like her and you have reason to think she likes you back!
That is agood idea….I was planning on asking her to hit the Chinese buffet, we discussed our appreciation of all you can eat!! So think i will try to set something regular, like maybe once a month try a new buffet…..the next town over has lots! Heck who in their right mind would pass up on that! Just have to put myself out there. I mean gosh, we have lots in common….both have a poodle, love to run, and regularly crave Chinese..thanks Shasta:-)
Ok, I have this so called BFF for almost 4 years, but as I’m getting older (just turned 38), I’m just kind of tired of feeling that people let me down quite often… For example, a couple of weeks ago she called me that she was so depressed thinking about not waking up anymore. I felt horrible, drove to her home with my son on Friday night to do our nails together (I brought it everything in) and drink some wine.
Cool, our kids are close, so they had fun too. However, I was about to have 5 relatives over to visit so it wasn’t the perfect timing for me.
So, 3 weeks later, I’ve been going through something personal and stressful, and all she texts me is “sorry” when I bring that up. Then she goes on and on about her meds and I keep saying positive things to her…
Her bday present to me was a bottle of wine with a cake,and I hate cakes btw. Then a homemade card saying “this card is worth a great time with BFF” whada? Not to mention that she came over because I throw a Halloween PArty every year and she told me her kid threw a tantrum when I tried do cancel it due my issues.
Now, which feels to me like the last straw, she texts me inviting for a gilrs night at her cousins home to watch Magic Mike.
I tell her my husband is working on Friday night (as always), so she tells me ok, we will do it another day just us then.
So, I ask her “how about your kids?” She replies: “well, they are staying with my husband but I can ask him if can handle 4″… PS: She has 3.
I’m like; really??? Is that how important I am to you? Just come if your husband can babysit your child, really????
That just hurt me.
Is it me or this is really selfish and hurtful? I’m really thinking of just cutting them out altogether after that…
PS: I replied to her: Please don’t ask ur husband, we can do another day that my husband is not working and can babysit too and they all can have fun together” and she just replies back: OK>
Btw, I meant that she IS going with the girls anyways this Friday, without me, since her husband “can’t handle” my kid…
Adriana– SO sorry for the frustration and disappointment. My gut is never to end a friendship (“cutting them out altogether”) without first telling the other person how much we like them, want a healthy friendship with them, and what we feel need from them to help make that happen. I know that you have expectations that seem clear to you, but what I see here are two people who are at least trying– two people who keep reaching out to each other and express a desire to spend time together. We all give in different ways and she may need help seeing what ways you want her to give to you. She’s not selfish just because she can’t read your mind or because she doesn’t give in the same ways you would. I applaud you for giving generously to her, and for giving her multiple chances. Now I invite you to forgive her (she’s not purposely trying to upset you or wrong you) and be honest with her. What do you really want from her?
Friendships are hard work. As I think they should be, anything that is worth so much should require effort. We never quite know when we will need our BFF’s to be there for us. There are moments when we will need them so we need to nurture them the best we can. I am always looking for ways to better my relationships with my friends, from this site and these posts and comments I have already learned a lot. I have also been reading Women I Want to Grow Old With, I reccomend this to anyone looking for some good additional insight! The 2 women authors do a great job of giving you ideas and reasons to keep yor friends in your life! I found it at womeniwanttogrowoldwith.com. Thanks again for these posts, they really hit home!
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