9 Principles for Responding to a Friend in an Affair

This time last year I wrote a blog post that quickly became one of my most searched-for articles online: Help! Should I Tell My Friend that Her Husband is Cheating on Her?  In that post I mused that I should probably write a post to guide us through the angst when we find out it is our friend who has cheated. It has taken me a year to want to sit down and write it.

Finding Out That Our Friend Has Cheated

While statistics are all over the board about how many of us actually admit to having extra-marital affairs, it does seem that due to women having more economic and sexual freedom, our numbers are on the rise in the last two decades. It appears that now one in every 5 or 6 of us will end up doing what we all of us swore we never would.  That means if you have 5 friends– chances are high that this issue will impact you.

This is such a difficult subject to cover adequately due to all the possible complicating issues that could be present.  For example, is she confiding in you or are you finding out another way? Does she seem intent on trying to pull it off or is she confessing that it happened and she’s trying to end it?  Do you know her partner and/or her lover?  Is your significant other involved in any way (i.e. as a friend to her partner)? Is she confessing or is she asking you to be an alibi for her and to aid her in the relationship?  Have you been wounded by marital affairs in the past, making it harder for you to come to this one without your own scabs getting pulled off? Are you happy in your own relationship?

Different answers to any of these questions would prompt different insights into the best way for you to respond, but without knowing you or the situation, all I can give are some principles that will hopefully lay a foundation for any choice you end up making.  Having been on both sides of this issue, and journeying closely with several friends over the years who have confided in me the angst of juggling a second relationship, I offer my wisdom with hope and humility.

Nine Principles to Remember:

  1. This is her crisis, not yours.  Yes, it could impact your friendship, your picture of her, your belief in love, and possibly even your own marriage, but, and this is important to remember: getting hit by some of the debris of an accident isn’t the same as being in the accident. Keep this about her as much as possible. See my blog post about helping a friend in crisis to better provide a visual of how to act when you’re in the outer rings.
  2. Nurture yourself and your relationships. With that said, if you are in a romantic relationship, be mindful that it may be impacted.  It may be as a result of conversations that you have with your significant other about the subject of infidelity, the insecurities it brings up in you, or simply the questions it raises about whether you’re happy or not.  Recognize that while your friend is responsible for her life, she is not responsible for yours. Life will throw you a variety of subjects to process, this is your time to do so on this one.  In some ways it’s a gift. Be extra gentle on yourself (and your partner) as you work yourself back to a place of alignment and peace through journaling, counseling, meditation, and other self-nurture and self-growth actions.
  3. Don’t make it personal.  It is not because she doesn’t trust you that she didn’t tell you sooner.  It is not because you were in a happy relationship that she felt tempted to go find that, too.  It is not because you weren’t there for her… blah, blah, blah.  She made choices and you are not to blame.  Additionally, there are a thousand reasons women don’t tell their friends, many of them very valid reasons, so don’t get steamed up about when and how you found out.  Just breathe deeply and acknowledge that in the big scheme of everything she’s sorting through and trying to juggle and process– the last thing she wants is to lose a friend and the last thing she needs is to spend energy now processing yet another relationship in her life. The more you can keep reminding yourself to not take this personally, the happier you (and she) will be.
  4. Draw your boundaries. It’s okay to say that you’re not willing to lie for her, be an alibi for her with her husband, or to talk about it ad nauseam.  It’s okay to tell her that due to your religious beliefs, moral code, or personal history, this is a subject that you are very against or incredibly uncomfortable with.  It’s okay for you to state what you are able to do and what you cannot do right now; but do so in as sensitive a way as possible, with as much respect as you can, and with the intention that you still want to do what you can.  It doesn’t need to be all or nothing.  Perhaps start with something like, “This is such a hard situation for me, though I recognize it’s even harder for you.  I want to love you and support you through this in the ways I can, and be honest with you where I can’t right now.  In what ways do you most need me right now?” And then, ask her to tell you what would be most meaningful.  From there, you can honestly say yes to what you can and no to what you can’t.
  5. You are her friend, not her counselor.  She may be so relieved to finally have you know her secret that she’s at great risk of confiding waaay too much to you.  This is her affair, not yours, you don’t need to hear all the details. Tell her with all the love you can, “I want to try to navigate this in a way that protects our friendship and serves us both as best as possible… and, I think, that includes you making sure you have the expert support in your corner to process this with.”  It’s unfair to put you in a place of counselor. And she needs one.
  6. Acknowledge that she is still a good person.  I really do believe that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have at the time. She didn’t wake up one day with the intention to hurt anyone or to not live up to her own values.  She made bad choices, but that doesn’t make her a bad person.  Be very cautious to protect your thoughts about her, whispering a form of the prayer, “Help me see her the way God sees her.” Or, “I see that part of her that is beautiful, good, and pure.”
  7. Her feelings are real.  We might not like them, but they’re real. Real in that regardless of how we feel about her inappropriate relationship, she is feeling intense feelings of love, hope, and feelings of being valued, admired, and needed.  In other moments she is, undoubtedly, feeling shame, denial, and guilt.  We all know those feelings.  We might hate what is causing her to feel that way or disagree that she should feel them, but far better for us to try to empathize.  We know what it feels like to be torn; we know what it feels like to want to be loved, we know what it feels like to think about breaking up with someone you care about.  We don’t have to condone her behavior to say, “It makes complete sense to me that you’d be drawn to that,” or “I can’t imagine how sad you must feel as you grieve the end of that relationship.”  Love doesn’t have to agree in order to support.
  8. Be mindful of our judgment.  From the Christian scriptures comes a saying: “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” It was what Jesus said to the crowd who wanted to stone a woman for committing adultery.  I invite you to be mindful of the fact that we are all in process and all struggle with actions that are hurtful to ourselves and others.  Yours may not seem as glaring, so be thankful for that!  Then with humility recognize that you, too, have made mistakes, and that you’re still struggling with discontent, jealousy, complaining, greed, criticism, or gossip. We are all learning the lessons we need to learn.  She will learn hers.  And she’ll surprisingly learn it better when compassion is shown (so she doesn’t have to feel defensive) as love is what empowers us to grow.  Shame simply paralyzes people.  We want her to grow so we want to act in as many ways as possible that invite her to courage, compassion, and hope.
  9. Know that this too shall pass.  Yes it will!  I promise.  It may feel like more drama than you can handle right now (and that’s okay, try to be present as you can and honest when you can’t) but someday she is going to wow you with the rebuilding of her life.  She’s going to be laughing again, present again, and hopefully more healthy and mature because of the life lessons she is learning now. And when you find yourself in a crisis, she’ll be someone you know you can trust to not judge you, to support you, and to understand.

This is, by no means, a comprehensive list.  I could keep going for days.  And I’m very aware that you could get done reading the list and still not know the best way to respond.  I therefore write these words with a prayer that accompanies them that anyone who reads this looking sincerely for guidance will find it. May those who seek, find.  May those who are unsure, err on the side of love.  May you be given an extra dose of compassion, energy, strength, and love today… your friend needs it.

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31 Responses to 9 Principles for Responding to a Friend in an Affair

  1. Shasta, This was a very thoughtful blog! THANK YOU! I let go of a friend over a year ago who decided to continue a relationship with a married man – then became pregnant with him. I didn’t have much compassion back then to understand the feelings that had led to her choices. Your blog has helped me uncover those truths today. #Grateful
    Love to you, Turqueya Vincent

    • ShastaGFC says:

      Turqueya– Thanks to you for sharing that response… it means a lot to hear how my words land with different people. It makes complete sense that it would have been hard to have compassion then– these kinds of circumstances cause us to feel like we don’t even know the person we thought we knew. Your honesty is beautiful as you are willing to keep processing it and looking at it differently.

  2. Linda says:

    I continue to struggle with a friend whose affair has been going on for over five years now. He is married, she is not. All details of his circumstances have not been provided to us–separated, etc. but he is very much married and that’s enough for me. No one in our circle of friends have met him.

    I feel bad for everyone involved..her for compromising, him for making bad decisions, her brother who is a good good friend of his and his wife and supposedly doesn’t know about this–think of how this could impact two relationships, the example she is setting for her daughter. She travels to see him and he pays for things…almost like an escort service that delivers.

    It makes me sad that she has compromised so much, given up so much. They cannot be out in public in our city as his son lives here, she cannot talk to him 24/7 or spend holidays or even one day a week with him,etc.

    • ShastaGFC says:

      Oh my that is a very, very hard situation. And you’re right that there are high price tags to their relationship! And sometimes people are willing to pay that high price for what they get from it– it can feel worth it to them. Everyone in that situation is getting some need(s) met or else they wouldn’t stay (even the wife). Humans rarely initiate change until the pain/payment outweighs the gains. I so pray for clarity for all of them, as they keep processing who they want to be, how they want to live, and what they want from themselves and others. I’d be so curious about how its affected her friendships– what have you noticed? What does she ask of her friends in this? How are all of you responding? What’s the hardest part? What comes more easily? Anything you want to share– we’re open to learning! 🙂

  3. Linda says:

    You are right of course. they are both getting something from the relationship. Prayers for clarity are good but I know this person well and know that she rarely listens to others and is perhaps the most unsettled person I know, always changing something, buying something, returning something,

    It has affected our friendship, I know I cannot depend on her. She is a taker, I am a giver. Not everyone knows about the relationship. She specifically doesn’t want one friend to know, he knows and agrees that it’s wrong but it’s not hurting him, his respect for her was gone years ago. He tolerates her at best.

    It makes me angry.I hate the secrecy. They have taken some trips together, great trips that in an honest and open relationship would be shared with everyone, on Facebook, etc. clearly she cannot do that so there is much smoke and mirrors, veiled references to where they were, why she is tan. She refers to him as her significant other or “someone special.” i refer to him, when she is not around, as the adulter, I never say his name. The hardest part is watching her do this to herself and the example it sets for her daughter. I alternate between ignoring it and being angry with her.

    What has she asked us? To pick her up/drop her at the airport. Never ever to provide an opinion or to work through a problem in the relationship…on the other hand I was with three friends on Monday night who were all mad at their husbands/partners and wanted to know if they could get the same cell in prison! They were joking but this friend could never participate in this kind of conversaton.

    Thanks for listening. I attend an amazing church with a great pastor, we are open and of accepting of all. More than once our pastor has said love the sinner, hate the sin, that’s kind of where I am with this.

  4. Peggy says:

    Shasta, this is very wise counsel…I enjoyed the thought you put into it, as well as the good information. A sad and difficult situation doesn’t have to be impossible, thanks to you.

  5. Janie says:

    Thank you for your insightful thoughts. I’ve been on both sides of the stick but I think I’m most affected by feelings I’ve held of judgment for a family member that strayed and this really helped me take a different look at how I was looking at the situation. Thank you.

  6. Deb Lee says:

    OM Goodness……just what i needed!!!!! Thank u so much for writting this….so well put……this is what i have been thinking but couldn’t seem to put it into words……

  7. Pingback: The 4 Best Responses to a Hurting Friend | Shasta's Friendship Blog

  8. Jane says:

    My husband had an affair at work. After I found out, I ended the marriage and ended friendships/friendly terms with anyone who had known about it but failed to do the right thing and tell me.

    In keeping it a secret, these people who purported to be my friends continued to leave me at risk of an STD. That is not what I want in a friend and is not the kind of friend I want to be to anyone else.

    A person who cheats or is involved with someone who is married does not deserve compassion and understanding.

    They need to be told that it is unacceptable behaviour.

    Pop culture loves to romanticise affairs, but the facts speak for themselves.

    Affairs are fantasy, not true love.

    Affair destroy children’s lives.

    Affairs are selfish indulgence by those who believe they are entitled to them.

    Affair are had by people who don’t have the courage to end a relationship with integrity.

    Why would anyone want to be friends with someone who has an affair? You’d have to constantly be watching your back that your husband or boyfriend wasn’t next on their list.

    • ShastaGFC says:

      Jane, I am so sorry for the betrayal you experienced! So incredibly painful! Since you’ve been hurt by this kind of a mistake it makes sense that you would feel judgment toward anyone who has acted in this way, but I hope you someday will whisper the prayer “Help me to see this differently” because people who make mistakes are still deserving of our compassion. I’ve heard a lot of confessions over the years, and my own choices have caused pain to others, too; and I’ve yet to meet anyone who lives perfectly in alignment with their best self at all times. If we only befriended perfect people our friendships would be quite limited, and we’d be robbed of the growth and self-reflection that comes from people who have gone through their crisis. My prayer is that you feel peace where you have been wounded. xoxo

  9. Maggie says:

    I want to thank you for this emotionally very wise post. I’m going through an extremely difficult situation right now with my best friend, who is having an affair (emotional, not physical–they have declared their love to one another) with another good friend of mine. I have been struggling to figure out how to be compassionate–to both of them, but especially to my best friend, who is married to someone else–while not feeling like I am compromising my values. This helped me clarify my feelings and communicate with my friend in a way that will help preserve our friendship. Thank you for giving me this resource right now.

  10. Ann McAllister says:

    Let’s start with morals…..it is morally wrong to have an affair!

    What about wedding vows, do they not count for anything?

    Children! … affairs have a massive impact on kids and other family members

    Affairs ‘fly in the face’ of the10th commandment.

    If you fall out of love then have the basic decency to end one relationship before starting another

    Affairs are based on deception, lies, betrayal, self-gratification etc.

    Why would anyone want to be friends with or even support a friend who was involved in an affair? If they can’t be loyal to their partner what makes you think they’d be loyal to a friend?
    I’ve had friends and sisters who have had affairs and although I didn’t ‘fall-out’ with them I definitely distanced myself from them while the affair lasted. Anyone who knows me knows that I will never condone affairs, under any circumstances. I’m not bitter, hurt or religious, nor am I a ‘goody-goody’ person, I just think that I wouldn’t like it if someone did it to me nor would I want to hurt anyone else with my self-indulgence!

    • Ross says:

      Hello everyone,

      So I’ll start by saying thank you for writing this for everyone. Yes I am the other woman.

      My story is way too long and I don’t want sympathy or understanding. Definitely none of us have the exact same history or DNA to even begin to understand why we do what we do. Why would I expect that? I don’t.

      I just want not to be judged, that’s gods job. I just want to be treated as I used to be. It sucks that yes maybe we choose to accept a married man but at least for me I love him and I don’t want him to leave his kids.

      As I struggle to pull away from my bad choice and friends walk away it makes it even harder. If I am with a man that I shouldn’t be and it’s let’s say because of self esteem issues. Then why push me more in his direction.

      Of course I would respect you because I know you. Shouldn’t you respect and try to at Ieast be there for me? You don’t have to say anything.

      It is only me that can decide which road to take and if a friend is there when a road splits and you decided to ride next to me than I thank you, I would do the same. But if you don’t I respect your decision and wish you the best and if your road splits I’ll be there.

      Sincerely
      Rosa

  11. Michelle says:

    I have a friend who had an affair which ended her marriage and the other marriage. I told my friend as well as her husband I would not choose sides and I haven’t. I loved them both and would be here for both if they needed me. It was not my place to judge to either of them. It takes two and I’m sure they both had their faults, however it still didn’t give her the right to go have an affair and I’ve told her that. My thoughts are if you are unhappy in you marriage and it can’t be fixed then get out. My friend and the guy she had the affair with are now divorced from their spouses and are dating each other publicly.
    This man found out the lows in my friends life and made himself the Knight and Shining Armor in her life. In my opinion he manipulated the whole situation to make himself look good. This is not his first affair, I’m told. I am not ready to meet him and I have told her that in the past. I’m not sure if I ever will be. Well I ran in to them in a public place the other day. I said hello to her from a distance but did not go up to her because he was with her. When I left I sent her a message letting her know I was not trying to be rude or disrespectful but I am still not ready. I know I should have gone up to her but I think I just panicked. I did not mean to hurt her feelings and I know I did. I could see it on her face. I sent her a message telling I meant no disrespect nor was I trying to be rude. I even told her to tell her friend I meant no disrespect to him but at this time I am still not ready to meet him or be near him.
    This affair has taken a toll on our friendship. We don’t talk as much anymore nor do we text like we use too. It’s just an occasional text every now and then.
    Will I ever get past this? How do I deal with this? How do I get past it?

    • ShastaGFC says:

      Oh Michelle– so very awkward and painful, to be sure! I’m sorry for the stress it has caused. The answer to your question about how to get past this lies with you making the choice to do so. Which might feel yucky but is actually really good news– it means you can fix this! It’s never going to not be awkward, and in fact will probably get moreso as you delay meeting him. In this situation, they certainly hurt people with their choices but it doesn’t make them inherently bad people. You’re being invited to forgive him for not being perfect… And you now get the opportunity to meet him and try to find things about him to like. Holding a grudge only hurts everyone, including you. Use this opportunity to practice kindness even in your discomfort. You’re safe. You’re onay. Kindness doesn’t break your boundaries. xoxo

      • Ally says:

        What DOES make someone inherently bad in your eyes? I’m just compketely curious. While I agree with much of what is written here I also believe it is a choice every day to stick with our unwise choices or not. Ans sometimes a little tough love is needed as often people just want to stay in the comfort of denial.

        Also, how can we express our boundaries without tgem coming off as being judgemental. We aren’t supposed to be judgemental but we are supposed to have boundaries. I think that’s bordering on ridiculous. How much more can we manipulate words to come off as the modern days queen of “not judging”?

    • Andrea says:

      In my opinion, it sounds like you are doing the right thing. It sounds like you are coming from a place of love with her and have good communication. You are respecting your own boundaries and letting her know you simply aren’t ready yet. This doesn’t mean you never will be, just not yet. If she cares for you she will also respect your feelings on the matter.

  12. Struggling says:

    Thank you for this advice. It is important to remember it’s never your job to give someone the “right answer.” They’re usually not asking for it and no such thing really exists in life anyway. We’re all trying to figure out our personal paths to achieve happiness in our own ways. My best friend and her husband have careers that cause them to be apart most of the time, and my friend has found a way to alleviate some of the stress of her job and loneliness of her life with an affair going on 6+ months now. Sometimes it comes up and she says I have judgement on my face but honestly I just never know the right thing to say. I want what will make her the happiest and I fear her seeking out an affair is just a manifestation of her regretting her marriage all together. If she wants to be with this other guy or just be single and free to fool around, I’m all for it, but it’s rarely kosher to encourage a divorce when problems short of physical abuse are involved. And if her husband and she do work out, you can’t be the guy who rooted for a divorce way back when. But like you say, she is still a good person. And this too shall pass. I will repeat those words in moments I struggle with this going forward. Thanks again.

    • Friendless says:

      Thank you for your words…when I found out that My husband had been unfaithful repeatedly, I shared the pain with friends, a decision that I now regret. Not only did I hurt my friends by causing them anguish, they were unable to cope with the information or understand my response to stay with him, prayerfully seeking a change that only God can make in him. I now find myself without my best friends and with the knowledge that I caused them pain through my experience…something very difficult as my heart is already rendered due to the infidelity. I hope that they will someday come to realize that compassion and empathy in this type of situation is essential, and am thankful that I will be able to do so for a friend who finds herself in a similar situation in the future.

  13. I am going through this now.My best friend is having an affair.She is married.The guy is a narcissist.He preys on emotionally unstable women who are in unhappy marriages and she is a victim of it.She is soo inlove with him she cant see what everyone is saying.She has become a totally different person since she started the affair.Always irritable, sad and mood swings. I dont her anymore.I did tell her how i am not comfortable with the affair. I am trying my best to support her, because i dont support the relationship, she distanced herself from me.I see my friend completely falling apart and its killing me.

    • ShastaGFC says:

      Oh that breaks my heart, too! SOOOOO hard to watch people hurt, and sometimes worse when we feel there is something they could do to prevent it! It’s hard to love cleanly when we’re judging and hard to not judge when we see people change and treat us differently. Such a hard situation– prayers for you as you navigate with with as much grace, wisdom, and courage, as possible, for her and yourself! xoxo

  14. Ray says:

    My best friend has just told me that she is going to be having an affair with a married man. She’s been betrayed by men in her life but has always maintained the higher road (for lack of better words) of forgiveness and moving on. I don’t know how to support her when she knows what it feels like to be cheated on by a husband and says “it’s just sex,” but to hear her talk, it’s not. She says they have their first “date” planned for tomorrow. I feel upset and very scared for her emotional and physical safety. It’s hard to not get wrapped up in her new life choices. She asks for my opinions, but I feel that she is just asking for my permission, which I don’t want to give my blessing, but I don’t want to turn her away. Just a sad day today. Appreciate your blog.

    • ShastaGFC says:

      Totally understandable that you’d feel concern… I think that’s the hardest part… just knowing how confusing and hard the path ahead of her will be. I had a friend in an affair last year and that hardest part was just knowing that no matter what– her life was going to be uprooted in some way and that it might takes years before she would feel at peace and happy again…. I just had to trust that whatever journey she went on– that what she learned about herself in the meantime (even if painful or messy) was the curriculum she was apparently choosing/needing in order to learn that which she needed to learn. My role as her friend was to ask questions, to try to not judge but to share my concern for how hard it is to watch a friend make choices that I knew would lead to some pain, and try to remember decisions I’ve made in my life where others felt concern for me (i.e. my divorce, my desire to be an entrepreneur) where they hated to see me suffer but that I had to forge my own path. So hard though! Blessings on you for being willing to navigate it with her. xoxo

      • Kris says:

        I am having a hard time with an affair situation. For 2 years I was great friends with an awesome couple, we were always together, and I got his wife a job at my company. She started to have an affair with a co worker of ours (also a very close friend of mine), that went on for over a year. During this time, I was unaware of the relationship, however when I was with the couple (the married couple), they would each complain ablut each other and fight/bicker constantly. Meanwhile, I find out she’s been cheating on her husband for over a year, has met her lover’s patents, discussed leaving her husband, and lied constantly. I called her and told her I knew, and told her to tell her husband. (PS, I found out from someone else, not her, and that she had confided about this affair to multiple other friends and family members). She told her hubby, (only told him it happened a few times, not a full on year) and he was crushed. I have not spoken to either of them since that day he found out, this “messenger” was shot, and they seem to be able to be friends still with others that knew. I’m crushed I’ve been cut out of friendship but ok, however, I’m angry that I tried to do the right thing and it backfired. They are fine with the others that knew about affair though.

  15. rmschaff says:

    What people don’t understand is a lot of us don’t CHOOSE to be told about an affair. I’ve been the messenger before to a person who had a spouse who was cheating and let me tell you I was treated with anger, disrespect, and nasty questions by the hurt person. I understand they were hurt but they demanded to know why I didn’t tell them sooner, they told me to give them a list of names of every person who knew, and they demanded I show them all texts and emails I had gotten from their spouse. Just for knowing a secret I wasn’t involved in, they demanded I hand over my time, energy, and emotions to them at their will.

    That is a big part of the reason people don’t tell about affairs. Once you know about an affair, you get blamed if you don’t tell and you get treated with anger if you do tell. Also, some people cheat to emotionally navigate themselves out of an abusive relationship and even though that’s not the correct way to go about it, I’m not going to tell a husband their wife is cheating if he has a history of hitting her and threatening her life. Instead I will advise that she find a women’s shelter and seek personal counseling to take the steps to end her marriage.

  16. Sarah says:

    Some good advice here some I disagree with.

    I have a friend who has repeatedly told me about her affair even after I said it made me uncomfortable and I didn’t want to discuss it. I don’t know her that well so I really don’t think its my business.

    Unfortunately she has told me so much the last time I saw her that ive decided to end the friendship. I realized she is somewhat sociopathic and has some mental problems and quite frankly, I don’t want to be around when all this blows up. she is disturbed and the affair is a symptom of that.

    I’m sort of afraid for the man’s wife and his kids.

  17. Kaykay says:

    I’m in a slightly different situation, in that I am the betrayed wife, and my best friend has now excluded my husband and I from her life, as she can’t forgive him what he has done.

    We’re over a year down the track of discovery, and the affair came near the end of what had been a very difficult time in our lives, with my husband on strong pain relief for most of that year, and isolated & disconnected from our friends, his work, and our community. My friend was also going through a very rough time, and I wasn’t able to support her as I was working full time, looking after my own husband, then devastated by his his affair.

    My husband and I have worked hard together to be able to plan a future together, and while I know it’ll still be toug at times, the exclusion feels like another barrier to overcome, and that I am being punished further for something that has already caused me so much pain.

    I want to give her time to process her own loss and feelings around this, but also don’t want to dishonour my husband (I’ve decided that what he did doesn’t give me licence to treat him in a way I never would have before). She is a precious friend to me, and I am at a loss as to how to move forward.

    • ShastaGFC says:

      Your beautiful articulation here moves me… Have you been able to say this to her? What if you share your feelings above and basically ask “what do we need, I your opinion, to move beyond this?”

      Hugs to you for showing generosity in forgiveness to both your husband and to her. May you show the same love to yourself as you stand up and express your needs kindly to those around you! Xo

  18. Samatva says:

    Dear Shasta. Yours is the first article that has given me a lot of clarity as to what I should be doing. Thank you!!
    My colleague and I joined this organization together…he got married and soon his wife also joined. They even have their cabins next to each other. Its been almost ten years…and for the past one year he is having an affair with another co-worker who has her cabin next to the unsuspecting wife’s!!! He thinks he is managing well but everyone with cabins in the vicinity know about it. The woman involved is also married and her husband also works in the same office. We as friends were clueless as to what should be done. My friend has two daughters and the other couple also has a child. Two happy families and an affair. Surprisingly the spouses seem to have no idea.
    I gather from your article that we should just keep our mouth shut about the whole thing.