Note from Shasta: For Friendship Month this September I’ve invited some women to guest blog for me, adding their voices and experiences to our journey. Today I'm hosting two posts: one from a therapist highlighting four qualities of emotionally safe friendships, and the other from someone who has never written a blog but was willing to share how she's learned this in her own life. Thanks to both Lisa Brookes Kift and Kelly Cape! _____________________________
What is Emotional Safety?
by Lisa Brookes Kift
Emotional safety is the level of comfort two people feel between each other – and though I’ve written much about how couples can benefit from this, let’s take a look at how this translates to friendship and ways you can be the best friend possible.
Because emotional and relationship health are so intertwined it’s important to take stock of not only how you behave with your friends but how you feel around them. Do you support and lift each other up?
Not everyone is clear in their understanding of what qualities make up a healthy, nurturing, supportive friendship. This lack of clarity may be the result of never being modeled this type of relationship. Whatever the case, it’s never too late to take stock of the people in your life – and how they experience you as well.
Emotionally safe friendships have some things in common. These friends typically:
- Listen well and attempt to understand where the other is coming from – rather than dismiss, appear disinterested or shift the topic back to them.
- Offer validation and empathy when appropriate – rather than behave without compassion when sensitivity is required.
- Respect each other and are supportive - rather than be competitive and undermining.
- Trust each other and feel safe – rather than be unsure of whether the other is there only when it suits them.
Human beings are relational. We are born seeking secure attachment with our primary caregivers and we continue to seek emotional safety through-out our lives, with our partners and friends.
I am very grateful to have a group of girlfriends who I feel totally at home with. Some go back as far as kindergarten and a few I’ve made in the last five years or so. The friendships I put the most energy into are the ones where there is a mutual felt sense of being able to truly relax, be ourselves and know that neither of us would do anything to harm the other. It just feels safe.
It’s like being wrapped in a fuzzy, warm blanket on a cold, winter’s day.
This is a little of what emotionally safe friendships feel like to me. Just like intimate relationships require effort to maintain, the same goes for friendships. You get what you give.
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT is the author of The Premarital Counseling Workbook for Couples and The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook for Couples. She’s also the creator of The Toolbox at LisaKiftTherapy.com with tools for marriage, relationship and emotional health. Lisa has a private practice working with individuals and couples in Larkspur, California. Twitter:@LisaKiftTherapy
What I've Learned About Becoming Emotionally Safe
by Kelly Cape
When one friendship door closes, another opens. But, unfortunately it has to hit you on the ass first.
I didn’t truly realize this until recently. I’ve always hated goodbyes. And I cherish having lots of friends, especially close friends. You know what I mean: the ones who know you in-and-out, and vice versa.
So naturally I felt reluctant to end a friendship even if I wasn’t getting anything out of it. But because I never wanted to say goodbye, I confused myself into thinking that was because it was feeding me, even if it wasn't! Hmm... a curious ego-driven, self-fulfilling cycle indeed. Sometimes, even as the friendships were in full swing, the connections I felt seemed forced or awkward. Meaning that for me, I wasn’t getting exactly what I wanted in the way of a reciprocal friendship but I ignored my gut and just forged ahead making more plans for the next dinner or movie. If these gals were spending time with me then I was getting something rewarding in return, right?
Well, it wasn’t until a fall-out with two separate friends in overlapping periods of time in my life that made me rethink what friendship meant to me and forced me to have my aha moment of discovery. This experience took me down the necessary path of self-introspection, ultimately leading me to new enlightenment and more fulfilling friendships. And most importantly, this included the most significant friendship of all—the one with myself.
I realized that I consciously contributed in the friendships’ demise because I felt needy (hence forcing myself even with internal alarms going off—danger, danger!) and desperate to keep these friendships at almost any cost. In turn that fear gave off negative vibes. Additionally, I was also unwilling to listen to my heart that told me I was putting in way more than what I was getting.
And it wasn’t just about ego. I was keeping these friendships alive at the expense of my self-esteem and value as a person and as a friend. Which wasn’t doing service to them either because when I spent time with them, I wasn’t being fully honest or authentic. I discovered that felt more awful than pretending I was their BFF.
After a lot of journaling, grieving and healing, I have since become not only a more grounded person, but also a more genuine and present friend, which naturally brings about positive and joyful reciprocity. I listen to me more now and let go of forcing or acting like someone I’m not just to have friends, or to be invited to a party.
And as the Universe does so profoundly, I “coincidentally” and effortlessly have forged a wonderful new friendship that is both light-hearted and meaningful at the same time. We are our genuine, honest selves with each other and we laugh a lot together. My friendships of the past are gone... but never forgotten. The lessons they taught me will live on and be carried in me with each new budding friendship.
Kelly Cape, 41-years old, lives in Campbell, CA where she consistently strives for an expansive life, including learning to follow her bliss—personally and professionally. This is her first blog.