The Introverts Way

A Round-Up of Books to Help Your Friendships

A couple of years ago when my agent was pitching my book to publishers, a common response was, "Oh we love Shasta's writing, her platform, and her message, but unfortunately women just don't buy books on friendship." The message we heard repeatedly: women will buy armloads of cookbooks, weight loss books, romance, and parenting... but when it comes to our friendships we think we know what there is to know.  (Either that or we don't care what we don't know?!)  And yet, for all that we want our friendships to just happen automatically, stay easy, and never leave us unsure of how to respond-- chances are high that at any given time, most of us will wish we had a few more meaningful friendships in our lives and wee bit less drama, angst, or uncertainty in the ones we do have.

Furthermore, few things are showing up in our lives as having as much impact on our happiness and health as our friendships are proving to have.  To be clear, all healthy relationships boost our health, but experts acknowledge that our relationships with our kids and spouses are often associated with much of our stress, responsibility, and fear; whereas our friendships can hold the positivity, support, and joy with a little less of the stress and responsibility. So it's that feeling of being connected and engaging in love that boosts our immune system, heals our bodies after surgery, and promotes trust and wellbeing in our lives.  This is no small area of life to leave to chance.

So because most of us want more meaningful relationships AND because few of us have been well-educated on the subject--I decided to offer a little school on friendship this month.  (Did you know it's International Women's Friendship Month! Yes it is!)  And this little Friendship University is opening with an impressive faculty of 13 leading experts (and I plan to keep adding more!) on friendship so that you can have all these psychologists, authors, and experts right at your finger tips!  I'm calling it: The Friendships You've Always Wanted Learning a Better Way to Meet-up, Build-up, and Break-up with Your Friends.  (details at the end to join us! Classes start Monday!)

Here are some of the authors whose books have contributed much to the growing awareness around just how important it is that we courageously keep making new friends, even as adults.

Rachel Bertsche, author of MWF Seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend

  Ori Brafman, co-author of Click: The Forces Behind How We Fully Engage with People, Work, and Everything We Do

Dr. Andrea Bonior, author of The Friendship Fix: The Complete Guide to Choosing, Losing, and Keeping Up with Your Friends

 

Carlin Flora, author of Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are

Dr. Paul Dobransky, author of The Power of Female Friendship: How Your Circle of Friends Shapes Your Life

Porter Gale, author of Your Network Is Your Net Worth: Unlock the Hidden Power of Connections for Wealth, Success, and Happiness in the Digital Age

 

Dr. Geoffrey L. Grief, author of Buddy System: Understanding Male Friendships

Sophia Dembling, author of The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World

Dr. Jan Yager, author of When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal with Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You

 

Dr. Jan Yager, author of Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives

Diane Gage Lofgren & Margaret Bhola of Women I Want to Grow Old With: Grow Old Together with Courage, Health, and Attitude! (Volume 1)

Christine Arylo, author of Madly in Love with ME: The Daring Adventure of Becoming Your Own Best Friend

 

And the best news?  If you don't have 100+ hours to read all of them, over $200 to buy all of them, or an entire empty shelf to hold all of them, then sign up today to access an hour-long interview with each author condensing their best information in our program starting this Monday!  Or, commit to picking one book that you read through this month and put into practice in your life.

But whether it's buy a book or join "The Friendships You've Always Wanted" program where we will deliver interviews to your inbox 4 days a week-- do something this Friendship Month to invest in growing your friendship wisdom.  Because as much as we want it to, friendships don't just happen!  :)

To our growing friendships,

Shasta Nelson, author of Friendships Don't Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends

p.s.  Here's another blog I wrote where I featured fabulous friendship books-- some books make both lists!

Many Introverts are "Coming Out" :)

"I am an introvert.  And there's not a damn thing wrong with me." So says Sophia Dembling, author of The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World on the second page of her book that boasts chapter titles like "I Like People, Just Not All People All the Time," "Hell Is a Cocktail Party," and "Science Says We're Not Necessarily Shy."

Huge thanks to Sohpia Dembling for the good work she's doing for Introverts everywhere!

I had the privilege of interviewing her recently for an entire hour where I asked her all things related to friendship and introversion.  In my work around female friendship, you can appreciate that how we're wired will play a huge role in how we go about fostering friendships. (She's just one of a dozen amazing authors I interviewed for "The Friendships You've Always Wanted.") It was a delightful and thought-provoking conversation where she shared her own illustrations about friendships in her life, while also giving voice to the growing number of introverts who interact with her via her blog on Psychology Today, called The Introverts Corner.

Introverts Coming Out Everywhere!

Fortunately, there has been such a growing awareness and education process around this subject.  We've so needed it!  Our culture has all too often idealized extroverts in our world, often leaving introverts feeling like there is something wrong with them.  (My favorite chapter title of Dembling's is "Introverts Are Not Failed Extroverts".)

In defining introversion, it was often seen as the opposite of extroversion--which was always described with these culture-valued words like outgoing, sociable, and fun--leaving introversion with words that sounded like they were missing something. We've too often confused introversion with a lack of friendliness or people-skills, which simply isn't so.

While I've long understood extroverts to be those who are energized by being around people, needing more external stimulation; and introverts as those who get re-energized primarily by decreasing the stimulation, often by needing to withdraw from people, it does seem to be a definition still in progress.  But there is a fast-growing list of characteristics and descriptors going around that seem to be resonating with a lot of people.

Whether it's Susan Cain in her TED talk that went viral, conferences like the World Domination Summit starting to put Hang-Out Hammock Lounge's in places where introverts can go re-charge away from the crowds, Facebook links with familiar titles like "23 Signs You're a Secret Introvert," or books like Dembling's that validate the introvert life-- the world is waking up to the fact that we are all wired very differently. Hallelujah! Popular bloggers, speakers, and well-known experts are being way more open and vulnerable about their own introversion.  All of this is helping way more people to self-identify with this name and own the parts of them that haven't always been well received.

And I do mean a lot. Following my Facebook news feed has been a bit like a coming-out party with all kinds of people posting articles and blogs about introverts and then saying things like "I finally feel understood!"

In fact, I've had that feeling too.  While listening to Dembling talk during our interview  about introverts preferring a small group to a large crowd, not enjoying small talk, and choosing email over the phone; I found myself thinking, "check, check, and check."  But trying to tell someone in my life that I might be an introvert is a little like trying to sell an igloo in the desert-- my friends and family just roll their eyes and laugh.

And to be fair, I'm definitely not a true introvert, as much as I'm probably more of what some people are now calling an "ambivert" with characteristics of each, sitting somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between extroversion and introversion.  Though I definitely don't feel "middle-of-road" as much as I feel like a person who has some extreme extrovert tendencies and some extreme introvert tendencies. Or, as I listened to Dembling talk about the extrovert/introvert scale, I was intrigued when she also mentioned the separate shy/non-shy scale which is entirely different.  Her descriptions left me wondering if maybe I was a somewhat shy extrovert since I hate walking into a room full of people, can feel anxious about attending conferences, and don't ever talk to people in lines or on airplanes. (Whereas my husband is probably a non-shy/introvert--someone who can carry a conversation with anyone, on any topic, with amazing people-skills, but will then need to come home to re-charge.)  Or maybe, as they keep studying, they'll find the category where I belong.  :)

Introverts and Friend-Making

But regardless of what labels we identify with, or which descriptions best capture who we are; what is clear is that we all need to know ourselves well and be responsible for our own energy management.  We can breathe deeply knowing that there is nothing "wrong" with us, that we're wired how we're wired, that we all have some tendencies that make certain tasks easier than others, and that we each have gifts that are valuable to others.

During my interview with her, we talked about which aspects of friend-making might come easier to extroverts and which ones might come easier to introverts, how we can make friends based on our own preferences, and what's important for us to know about each other as make friends with people who are wired differently from us.

For what is abundantly clear from all research is that no matter how you're wired or what behaviors might be most natural to you-- the truth is that we all need meaningful relationships.  So we're in it together... each of us stepping in to friend-making with our own temperaments, our own style, and our own energy.

How about you-- was it easy for you to identify yourself as an extrovert or introvert? Have you always known or has it been a process of learning?  I'd love to hear your own journey!

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To listen to the interview, join us this September as we embark on a whole month focused on friendship growing: "The Friendships You've Always Wanted."